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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU about his kidd xmas day?

383 replies

MyWitzEnd · 25/11/2020 20:57

DH has two kids aged 21 and 18. This year they are coming to is supposedly for xmas. DH has just told me that his DD wants them to come on the 23rd and go home on the 25th. This would mean i would be in my own for nearly three hours xmas day as he does the round trip. I had bo choice other than to agree and now feel mean at feeling cross.

OP posts:
LH1987 · 26/11/2020 10:50

Could they not book a taxi?

PatriciaPerch · 26/11/2020 10:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadinMarch · 26/11/2020 11:18

Youre getting a very hard time here OP.
I can see that a three hour journey when your husband will be away from the house does really impact on Christmas day.
I think you all need to talk and find a solution here. You could have your Christmas day on Christmas Eve maybe? Or that your husband drives them back at 6 in the morning so he's back home by the time you wake up?

Dontbeme · 26/11/2020 11:22

@SBTLove

Do neither drive? I’d suggest home in Boxing Day. Is there a particular reason you want him glued to you? after visitors for a few days I’d be glad if the peace and quiet.
Tut tut, they are not "visitors" this is the stepchildrens home too! You forget the first rule of MN stepmother club.

If you come back OP what is the set up here, are they leaving in the morning and not having dinner ( in that case I would be blagging a turkey dinner for myself off someone) or are they going to eat and run leaving you to clean up? Will you be expected to be the hostess with the mostess while simultaneously being told you don't matter to them?

Calmandmeasured1 · 26/11/2020 11:24

You did have a choice and did not have to agree. If you feel cross at anyone, feel cross at yourself for not saying what you really wanted to. Is communication between the two of you usually poor?

aSofaNearYou · 26/11/2020 11:37

Typical MN responses but I don't think you are being unreasonable, it's unkind to leave you alone on Christmas Day without a second thought (unless you happen to be the kind of person who doesn't mind that which everyone on MN likes to brag about being). It's been a lonely year for many and there's no shame in not wanting to feel lonely on Christmas. If you have somebody else, I would be tempted to spend christmas with them instead.

burnoutbabe · 26/11/2020 11:55

depends on the timing.

Say 9am-12pm fine, can do a late lunch when hubby gets back, depending on who does cooking.

Leave at 2, meaning a rushed xmas dinner, worry about timing, people gobbling food as "want to get off" - not ideal. Leaves you with all cleaning up etc.

LadyR77 · 26/11/2020 11:59

Wouldn't bother me at all - I'd be glad of 3 hours to relax at the end of the madness of Christmas day!

MyWitzEnd · 26/11/2020 12:32

Thank you to the people who have taken a moment to understand and not take the opportunity to troll someone they dont even know. It has been a massively tough year for all - but ive had several periods of self isolation (teacher) and a bout of covid so have spent a lot of time alone in this house. All I wanted was to not be alone xmas day. Is that such a crime?

For those of you sending recommendations as to what to do in that time - umm thanks.

For those of you who would love to be alone at xmas - I hope you never have to experience it.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 26/11/2020 12:48

Tbh OP I think the comments on here have been highly unsympathetic and somewhat idiotic. It isn't a big stretch of the imagination to comprehend that lots of people have struggled with being isolated this year and time alone is not a welcome feeling to them.

Where is "home" to his kids? Their mum's house? If so, could she be involved in the lift giving? I don't honestly think adult children should expect to be ferried around on Christmas Day at the expense of their hosts. They need to either learn to drive or pick a place for the day and go when it is convenient.

DressingGownofDoom · 26/11/2020 12:55

I'm trying to think of a polite way to say 'grow up' but I just can't think of the right words.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 26/11/2020 13:01

3 hours isn't that long OP! And if that's the time it usually takes, then on xmas day it may well be a lot less as the roads will be a lot quieter.

Whoever suggested DH may be absolutely exhausted and fall asleep after a 3 hour drive Shock, unless he's in his 80s/90s, I don't think many people would find that too strenuous!

nearlynermal · 26/11/2020 13:12

For those of you who would love to be alone at xmas - I hope you never have to experience it.

Oh, do chill out, OP.

Feedingthebirds1 · 26/11/2020 13:18

But it's not just the three hours, is it? It's going to potentially impact the structure of the whole day, the timings of everything. And if the DCs want this arrangement so that they can have a drink (as a PP suggested) then that means the DH can't. So apart from maybe the evening, in effect the rest of the day is going to be about them, even if they're not there.

CastleOfDoom · 26/11/2020 13:30

I get it OP and I think it's totally wrong of your DH's 'children' to expect him to drive them home on Christmas Day, it's not like it's just 30 mins away is it?!
I would tell them to either go home on the 24th or 26th, they are not children and shouldn't dictate to him what to do.
Your poor DH can't have a drink and can't eat that much either with such a long drive, let alone leaving you for all that time on Christmas Day.
I have a SS and he would never expect his Dad to give up his Christmas Day, he just wouldn't be so selfish.
Of course it would be different with younger DC and I would be first in line telling you yabu if that was the case.

Coffeepot72 · 26/11/2020 13:36

“I think it's totally wrong of your DH's 'children' to expect him to drive them home on Christmas Day, it's not like it's just 30 mins away is it?!
I would tell them to either go home on the 24th or 26th, they are not children and shouldn't dictate to him what to do. “

..............

Exactly.

Carrotcakey · 26/11/2020 13:40

My DH does a 3 hour round trip every Xmas day as his sister would otherwise be on her own. She works in retail and always works late Xmas eve and always on Boxing Day. Might work be the reason. Your SD has to go home Xmas day?

I have kids now so I’m not alone but we’ve done this for the past 10 years. You’re not the only person in the house or family and I think you’re being childish and selfish tbh.

Coffeepot72 · 26/11/2020 13:40

“They’re step children. Presumably being from a broken home and having to put up with the horror or having a stepmum means whatever they want goes forever more. If dad doesn’t jump to their tune he’s failing them. If OP objects she’s evil. Hopefully someone’s saving for therapy for them. Being a step child is more significant than being an adult.”

..............

Sad but true

Carrotcakey · 26/11/2020 13:41

Oh and she can’t drive and there is zero public transport on Xmas day so it’s not like her options are plentiful! She’d come on the train if it ran.

KiposWonderbeasts · 26/11/2020 13:43

So she’s wanting to spend half her time with her dad and half with her mum? That’s pretty even-handed.

And both parents get to see their children on Christmas Day. Inconvenient for you but fair on both families.

Could her mum meet them halfway so no one’s day is disrupted quite as much? We often swap cousins at a car park outside Manchester as halfway between my family’s house and mine.

eenymeenyminyme · 26/11/2020 13:44

I've done 2 Christmas Days on my own and my reaction to start with was much the same as yours, but I found that once I started planning how I'd spend that time (going for a run, bucks fizz in the bath, watching a tear jerker film, etc) I actually found that I enjoyed the peace.

We've all had a shit year on some way or other and I totally understand your sadness, but the best thing you can do is plan for how you're going to make the time special for you. Good luck!

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 26/11/2020 13:47

But it's not just the three hours, is it? It's going to potentially impact the structure of the whole day, the timings of everything. And if the DCs want this arrangement so that they can have a drink (as a PP suggested) then that means the DH can't. So apart from maybe the evening, in effect the rest of the day is going to be about them, even if they're not there.

Exactly. The person I know who relies on her parents for lifts and school drop-offs and pick-ups probably thinks that it's only half an hour out of their day, but it's the restriction on what you can plan for the whole day (you can never arrange any full-day trips/jobs/errands) and, as you say, it means no alcohol, should you have otherwise wanted to have a glass of wine or a pint. Everything you might want to do on the day has to pass the 'will I be finished by the time they want to leave' test.

Whoever suggested DH may be absolutely exhausted and fall asleep after a 3 hour drive shock, unless he's in his 80s/90s, I don't think many people would find that too strenuous!

Plenty of older folk, not to mention those with disabilities, do find driving tiring - and not just those over 80 (a great many of whom no longer drive at all). I know it's a MN trope that driving for 3, 4, 5, 6+ hours is no different from a 2-mile trip to the supermarket, but irl, it's a long time to have to concentrate fully and it is often tiring. I know you can have regular stops, but of course, the more of those you have, the longer the journey takes you.

In fact, it's not unknown for men people of a certain age to have an afternoon snooze on Christmas Day, without any driving, with all the buzz of the day itself and the busy build up, along with a huge meal. I suppose that may partly be down to the booze, which he won't have an option to partake of this year.

MyWitzEnd · 26/11/2020 14:17

@ttcchapter1

I dont think the OP will be returning to this thread 🤣
Im still here. Glad it amuses you
OP posts:
Cheeseandwin5 · 26/11/2020 14:19

DH has two kids aged 21 and 18. This year they are coming to is supposedly for xmas.- OK so far although I do wonder where the kids usually live, Are they with their DM or are they planning to visit?

DH has just told me that his DD wants them to come on the 23rd and go home on the 25th. who is DD in this?

This would mean i would be in my own for nearly three hours xmas day as he does the round trip. Why cant you go??
I had bo choice other than to agree and now feel mean at feeling cross You had a choice but chose the one that made you sound less of a selfish control freak.

BorderlineHappy · 26/11/2020 14:20

I do get it @MyWitzEnd and i think you have got a hard time on here.

People on here sometimes just dont have any empathy.They like putting the boot in.