To expect a share of the money

[mixedmama]

I probably am being unreasonable but has just been swimming around in my head.

Up until April this year DH, DS and I lived with BIL, or rather he lived with us as the flat was under DH name.

They lived there before DH and I got together. When we had DS I had hoped that he would move out as we were now a family and he is more than able to afford to be able to do so, we were less able to do so. He didnt. He is also quite rude and arrogant, which I suppose is a separate issue but it made living in the same house quite difficult. For this and a whole load of other reasons DH and I moved to a much smaller place which will not accomodate our growing family quite as well, but is fine as we are living by ourselves which i love.

The problem that I have now is that there are two rooms spare in the old flat (which is half the rent of our new place) and BIL has noow decided to rent these rooms out. He earns at least £1000 more than Dh and I combined and I will soon be on mat lleave to have baby no 2 and sort of feel that DH should be getting half of the money from the rooms being let as the tenancy is still in his name and even an extra £200 or whatever will really help us.

Am I right in thinking this or do you think I am just being greedy. You can be honest, I just wonder really.

You should be living in the house your BIL is staying in. Your DH should be telling him to get out.

What really annoys me is I bet your BIL isn't in the least bit bothered about your financial situation, the fact you had to spend the time looking for another place to live, and that you have a baby on the way. All he is bothered about is himself and how he can make more money from sub-letting. Where is his concern for his brother's welfare and yours?

Your BIL had no right to put you in this situation in the first place.

I hope you get back into your old home soon.

unless i have the wrong end of the stick here - BIL lived there before you and DH met? the sub sub sub letting aside (...) he morally might have an equal claim on the property to your DH - he was there first!

I do see your point that you need the space, and you have DS ( and that this should all have been sorted out when DS was on the way)

but BIL could be attached to the place and might not want to move out of his home just because his brother got married.

( I'm trying to see it from his POV and probably be a bit devils advocatey as well. but really he should have been given the push when you knew you were pg and you shouldn't have moved out - now that you have i guess you & DH should decide between yourselves wheteher you want to live where you are, or whether you want to move back into the old flat. I'd be annoyed at your BIL making £ from it too, especially if he has a good wage - that would be illegal and you could inform the council, but that would probably open a huge can of worms)

Journey I think you have hit the nail on the head. I think actually I am annoyed that he now going to be making money out of our misfortune and my DH being too nice about letting him stay there.

You ladies have made me realise I need to speak to DH about this properly tonight.

Bottom line

We cut our losses and we move back. Incidentally, altho not his name BIL actually owns the place we now pay double the money on, so he could live here very easily himself. But I insist BIL moves out.

DH tells the council we have moved and whatever happens happens.

Either or.

oh you're pg as well! you poor thing - all this stress and upset. do hope it all gets sorted out. think you just have to tough itout and tell it straight with DH about your feelings.

ppersonphone - to be honest with you it has crossed my mind to inform the council myself to force everyone to actually do something.

In terms of him being there before me. I see your point and that is the point DH tries to make but circumstances changed and he iis able to pay the rent on that place about 8 times over. Had I not been so unhappy I would never have returned to work in order to move etc and would be a very happy SAHM.

His living there actually consists of:

Going to work and sleeping there.
Bringing random (yes random) girls back for the night, which I feel is unsuitable for DS anyway. He does everything from his bedroom hardly uses the rest of the house. He doesnt even eat there he eats at hiis mums.

Mixedmama, you better act before some of the neighbours complains to the council that a single man lives in a large property on his own. They might come to inspect who lives there, and then your DH will be in trouble.... There will be trouble wheter Bil is or is not part of the tenancy agreement, as the situation has changed.

if you moved back, could you SAH again? if you're miserable working and miserable about the house it's going to have an effect on everything else -

BIL owns the house you're in now? have i got that right?

what is your ideal situation though? and how will you make DH think it's his idea? ;)

My ideal situation is difficult.

I have a very hard time with my ILs who live alot closer (dropping in distance) if we move back and I was on the verge oof nervous breakdown when we left, mainly because I couldnt stand living with BIL who would open the door to us and coompeltely ignore us both.... fellt like i couldnt go int he kitchen when he was there, the gilrs coming back and the noise on aa night out. Ils completely took over with Ds which resulted in me going back to work at 4 monthhs as I was determined to move and be close to my parents who live 30 minutes drive (dont drive and difficult public transport to get there). Since I went back to work Ils were childcarers which made everything of course worse.

The great thing at the minute is living so close to mum and dad - they are now my childcarers which has made me more relaxed about work. However, if we move back I could be SAHM for as long as I want so no childcare issues. ILs do not actually pop in but relatives did when DS was little which stressed me out.

I guess there is no ideal solution as it all presents issues, but from a financial perspective, moving back, BIL moving out and becoming a SAHM and being able to not stress over money is the ideal solution. If I did return to work I would make learning to drive a ppriority and get a job local to my parents.

making DH think it is his idea... that is a tad more difficult.

So, BIL owns the place you rent?
and he lives in a local authority place?
and he wants to sublet?

Where does he live?

I'm on my way round [pushes sleeves up emoticon]

He makes me sick!!!

Manxmum - of only someone could teach him a lesson would make me very happy.

Does this place have two or three bedrooms? Would you be applicable to go on the housing register for overcrowding, if you dh, ds, bump and bil are all there?

congrats on pg btw. have seen you on other threads didnt know you were expecting.

why are you paying soooomuch rent ?perhapsyou could ask dh to tellhis brother that the rent must be decreased or you will have to move backinto the flat and ask him to leave and if he won't then you will inform the councilthat he lives there alone and is subletting

Thx littleducks.

three beds. altho the room that was DS will not fit two children in esp as DS is still little himself.

I am defo going to go through the options with DH tonight and whatever happpens the tenancy on the council place has to be sorted one way or the other (in terms of our involvement).

Our current rent (i believe) just covers the mortgage so cannot be decreased. I loove my new place so much but if we cant affoord it then i guess that sort of makes half the decision.... if we move back we will have to ask him to move out as we will not have enough space as even if DC share (which they will do at current place) they will need his room as they will not fit in the smaller room.

mixedmama - you and DH are in a very vulnerable situation here.

BIL has proved himself to be both insensitive and selfish.

So, you might think, not the best person to be in a flat for which your DH is responsible. If he fails to pay the rent, if his sub-tennants do damage, if he gets done for sub-letting fraud, your DH will be held responsible for the lot.

Get a transfer to a flat that is more suitable, or move back and throw BIL out! Although throwing him out might be hard if he is listed as a tennant.

but if doing the morally right thing is not an option then let tell BIL if he makes any money from subletting then he has to cut you rent. If he earns a grand a month more than your dh and only has council rent to pay then why can't he afford to pay his own bloody mortgage?

I would like to think that DH would be able to have a decent man to man chat with him and say look this is our situation, we need to be a family etc etc.... dont want to resoort to trying to chuck him out.

Mixedmama, sounds like there is a very difficult underlying situation here, in terms of dh obviously being quite closely involved with his family of origin, and you feeling very unhappy about them being part of your life. How are you and dh going to deal with that in the long term, do you think?

Well we have since moving been fantastically happy in all areas. He is not actually close to them, I know it doesnt sound that way, but I would be surprised if any of them knew what colour eyes each other had. They only ever came to our house once (and a few times my SILs camme when DS was born) but hardly ever but when they do it is unannounced. BIL ignores DH in the same way he ignores me unless he has something specific to say and genrally looks down on DH.

In the long term if I am a SAHM (or had been a SAHM) most of the issues that occurred would never have happened. Buut living with BIL made that feel like an impossible option. so if I go back to being SAHM then most things that caused the problems last time wont this time.

BILhas it covered..not only does he get cheaphousing when he doesn't needit...he is going to make even more money from it...and he has you and your poor dh paying hismortgage on a house he pretends not to own!!

What a slug

problem is how to make DH see this.

thanks Nursey Jo Just makes me so mad to hear of family members treating each other so badly and dishonestly.

Mixedmama I could understand DH's reticence to upset his brother if they had a close relationship,but you say this isn't the case.

I can't belive that your dh can't see how twisted this is, you have had toleave the cheaphousingthat you need and he doesn't.Not satisfied with that he has you paying for a house that is an asset forhis future -notyours and your childrens...but this isn't enough either he wants even moremoney by illegally subletting...

He needs a kick upthe arse!! And your DH (as nice as he sounds) needs a huge spoonfulof reality check.

Just spent whole lunch hour talking to various debt people....

The conversation is definitely going to happen tonight and by Monday morning we will be having a plan of action.