To think 3 children sharing will have to do for now

[GrubBug]

2DSC, 1 DC between us.

2DSC are 9&11, DC is nearing 3. All same sex.

We were hoping to be able to move before the need came but unfortunately that hasn't happened due to a few reasons and now Covid too on top putting some strain on finances.

So far, DC has been in our room. I no longer think this is viable.

DSC have second bedroom which is still a big double. It's enough room for their current arrangement which is two separate beds, floor space, dressers, TV, and seating (two pouffe).

My plan is to have one side with bunk beds for DSC and the other side with a toddler bunk (low down and space underneath for toys etc...). Also means there's no need to get rid of any of the other stuff in there so set up would be the same, only difference being bunks rather than separate.

DH is hesitating because DSC don't want bunk beds and don't want to share room.

I know it's not ideal but our child needs their own space now. We are likely not going to be able to move now for another 2-3 years.

AIBU to say it will have to do for now and put my foot down?

It's not fair imo to have a resident child in with us, having no space for their things just to avoid DSC having bunk beds for a couple of years.

DSC are good kids. They aren't kicking up a huge fuss just have made it known they don't like the idea. But I believe if explained to them properly why this is the case that they will get over it and be fine.

@aSofaNearYou

*Best ensure a child who had no say in any of that sleeps on the floor in the corner of their parents room throughout growing up then, just in case the step kids irrationally link them having an equal (not greater) share of the bedroom to these things.

Of course, it's not at all worth considering that not being allowed to have your own space outside of your parents bedroom so it can be reserved for your older half siblings who aren't there half of the time, might have just as much of a detrimental effect on a child's mental well being as your parents being separated and having to move between them. The younger child does not have feelings and will not be adversely affected by anything.*

Oh come on, the child is three, they'd sleep on a slide given the opportunity. They're not the one who is bothered, it's the parents wanting to have a shag in their own bed of a night. And it's not 'throughout growing up', talk about melodrama. According to OP it will be a matter of months.

The majority of 3yos I know would be thrilled to room in with their parents anyway.

The only people being inconvenienced by the present situation are the adults; and they chose the situation.

My point was, none of the children chose this situation.

The adults did.

My husband and his ex chose to split up meaning their kids would have to live between homes.

We chose to have a child, albeit we'd hoped the space situation wouldn't be a problem at the time, that was our choice.

All kids in this scenario are having to deal with things through no choice of their own. We're just trying to limit the impact on all equally, not just one pair of children.

@GrubBug

I think as I've said, my DSC are pretty well rounded kids. They are very kind young people and as mentioned before they've often surprised me with how selfless they can be sometimes. In fact especially the oldest. They are, (obviously I'm biased but plenty of people mention it too!), one of the sweetest kids you could meet.

It's lovely you have so much affection for them, honestly that will make such a difference to them. I shudder with sympathy sometimes reading about how some stepparents on here perceive their partner's kids - as a total inconvenience who they want to marginalise as much as possible, especially once their own kids come along. Being loved in both homes will be so beneficial for them. Good on you!

And the situation must be an utter pain, so sympathies. I hope you can all work something out.

@GrubBug

But is your 3yo bothered? In many cultures it's perfectly normal for children that age to still room in with their parents. Is he desperate for his own space? Because if not, he's not being 'impacted'!

@VeniceQueen2004

In her OP she wrote that they would not be likely to be able to move for 2-3 years, so their child would be 5 or 6, more than old enough to notice they don't have a bedroom.

I don't agree that the adults being inconvenienced by this doesn't matter, they should be able to have privacy and sex in their room, parents deserve space from their children to unwind after all they do for them all day every day. But besides that, a younger child shouldn't be constantly forced to put up with ridiculous, unfair concessions to compensate for their half siblings having separated parents. They are people too and that is not their fault.

And I would say it's apples and oranges here. Think about what you'd want for your own kid; if you had to choose him needing to shar with you guys long term in a happy, stable home with both his parents, or having to split his life between two homes, which would you prefer? Your son is already luckier than them by dint of having parents who love each other and are together. From a mental health risk perspective he is already streets ahead (assuming your relationship stays strong).

It's the only option, unless your DH has another plan then there is no alternative but that all 3 kids share.

I can't really see how it would work any other way to be honest. If all 3 were your bio kids together there's no way they wouldn't be sharing by now.

@VeniceQueen2004

Oh FFS. Some people are so blinkered they only seem to be able to comprehend the idea of one situation being damaging to a child's mental health.

There is so little thought put in to how it could affect a child to have older half siblings that are constantly put above them, whilst their basic needs and wants are neglected so it doesn't upset the PFBs. It's like you hear "separated parents" and in your head that is the only thing that could ever be bad for a child's mental health.

@aSofaNearYou

Fair enough, my brain has clearly not taken in the OP today on many fronts.

I'm just coming at this from the stepchild perspective here because I am one and I know how hard it can be, even in a relatively good arrangement. It's a fundamental psychic wound to have no stable home, to feel how everything in your life can just be snatched away without you having any control, to find you suddenly have new parent figures and half-siblings whose wishes will always mean more than yours in any situation because 'they live here all the time'. To slot into lives designed for a separate family unit. Even an apparently reasonable change like this one, done for the best reasons, can hit that insecurity, that lack of sense of self, and cause a lot of emotional pain.

Hard luck, you might say. And maybe it is. But it is hard. So I just wanted to push back against the 'don't pander to them, spoilt brats' narrative on here, as the OP to her credit has also been doing. They are already at a massive disadvantage, and at a much higher risk of poor mental health outcomes, just by dint of having no home of their own. Having any other toe-hold on security they may have interfered with or taken away, especially in favour of the child who has their dad all of the time, may be harmful.

I think OP will manage the situation well though as she clearly loves the stepkids.

@aSofaNearYou

There is so little thought put in to how it could affect a child to have older half siblings that are constantly put above them, whilst their basic needs and wants are neglected so it doesn't upset the PFBs. It's like you hear "separated parents" and in your head that is the only thing that could ever be bad for a child's mental health.

It's not the only thing. But it's a big thing. This is well documented. If you can show me evidence that the children of parents with children from previous relationships are severely impacted by favouritism to the stepkids, I'd be fascinated to see it. But the evidence goes the other way.

Totally reasonable. You'd be doing the same if they were your own so it's not an issue.

I think that's fair. And I cant imagine decent kids refusing to see their dad just because they dont want bunk beds. If they did, the problem would be the previous parenting not the bunk beds.

Could you let them deocate their half of the room as they want and decorate DSs differently so there is a boundary. And make sure DSs things dont take over the whole room. And make sure he doesn't mess about keeping them up and making you go into their room to settle him, I cant imagine they'd be comfortable about you going in in the night.

Hi op, would it be possible to replicate something similar to this if the room is large? You could put the bunks in the middle and use mdf to board out the sides so the little one could have her own room? Or you could get dividers from b and q that are tension rod and let the girls decorate them

Oooh Robette that's a brilliant idea!

@VeniceQueen2004 of course it can be hard, but it should not be dealt with by denying the younger children perfectly reasonable things to compensate. Nobody is calling OPs step kids spoilt brats because they aren't acting like it, but if they genuinely expected and demanded OPs child not share the bedroom until they were 6 then the answer should be no, regardless of how hard their parents split is on them.

I can tell you are viewing it from the point of view of a step child but it is not a balanced view in this case.

And make sure he doesn't mess about keeping them up and making you go into their room to settle him, I cant imagine they'd be comfortable about you going in in the night.

This would be a big issue for me as well - but then my 3yo is a nightmare sleeper! OP's may be one of these unicorns who actually goes to bed when told and stays there until morning

My little half-brother always used to come into my room and wake me up on weekend mornings (9 years younger) and it used to drive me potty. Parents certainly weren't going to get up before they were ready so someone had to watch him. Once I got a tv in my room it was OK though - just used to tuck him in with me and stick on Teletubbies while I dozed!

If your DC is an early riser OP would be worth trying to ensure he doesn't disturb the other two every morning!

I can tell you are viewing it from the point of view of a step child but it is not a balanced view in this case.

It may not be 'balanced' whatever that means, but it is informed and supported by the evidence on mental health in children from separated homes vs that of children whose parents stay together.

DC isn't too bad for sleeping tbh. Can get up early-ish but not ridiculously. I'm thinking we'll have them closest to the door so if I have to nip in its just quick in and out.

Also perhaps a thin pull across divider or curtain between the two halves if we did go for bunks on one side, toddler bed on the other to separate it a little.

We've got a few ideas to work with anyway thanks to suggestions here so me and DH will have a brainstorm, get the tape measure out and see what we can plan.

Also @aSofaNearYou, do you think there is anything it is reasonable to do to try and protect step-children's mental health given the risk factors? And if so, what? Or do you think they need to just get on with it?

I think it's fine for the 3 children to share - it's not ideal because it means the stepchildren don't have a space they can withdraw to, but it's not an unusual situation and not the end of the world.

I do think it would be unwise to add a further DC to the mix until you have sorted out a better living situation.

@VeniceQueen2004 Of course there are things that can be done, but not things that rely on other people having to compensate in ways that are objectively totally unreasonable, especially (but not limited to) younger siblings.

I do think it would be unwise to add a further DC to the mix until you have sorted out a better living situation

This will definitely not be happening!!

Absolutely do what needs to be done here, with a view to moving as soon as you possibly can.

The other children have their own space more than 50% of the time when they're at their mum's house.

It's a fundamental psychic wound to have no stable home, to feel how everything in your life can just be snatched away without you having any control, to find you suddenly have new parent figures and half-siblings whose wishes will always mean more than yours in any situation because 'they live here all the time'. To slot into lives designed for a separate family unit. Even an apparently reasonable change like this one, done for the best reasons, can hit that insecurity, that lack of sense of self, and cause a lot of emotional pain.

And yet it’s ok for the younger child to have no proper space in their one and only home?
Because their sibling doesn’t want a bunk bed three days a week they must have no bedroom 7 days a week? And expect to be on with being at the bottom of the heap always because their parents are “still together”, although when and where is anyone’s guess if they still have a 5 or 6 year old in their bedroom.
I’m sorry but this is definitely one of those situations where everyone has to get over themselves and make do with the best Overall balance that can be managed, which is not perfect for anyone, but still a masssive improvement on completely disregarding the needs of the 3 people whose one and only 24/7 home it actually is

The other children have their own space more than 50% of the time when they're at their mum's house.

I say again, this is not an advantage!! They have their own space at their mum's house, a shared space at their dad's house - they have no home of their own. This is not a minor issue!