To think 3 children sharing will have to do for now

[GrubBug]

2DSC, 1 DC between us.

2DSC are 9&11, DC is nearing 3. All same sex.

We were hoping to be able to move before the need came but unfortunately that hasn't happened due to a few reasons and now Covid too on top putting some strain on finances.

So far, DC has been in our room. I no longer think this is viable.

DSC have second bedroom which is still a big double. It's enough room for their current arrangement which is two separate beds, floor space, dressers, TV, and seating (two pouffe).

My plan is to have one side with bunk beds for DSC and the other side with a toddler bunk (low down and space underneath for toys etc...). Also means there's no need to get rid of any of the other stuff in there so set up would be the same, only difference being bunks rather than separate.

DH is hesitating because DSC don't want bunk beds and don't want to share room.

I know it's not ideal but our child needs their own space now. We are likely not going to be able to move now for another 2-3 years.

AIBU to say it will have to do for now and put my foot down?

It's not fair imo to have a resident child in with us, having no space for their things just to avoid DSC having bunk beds for a couple of years.

DSC are good kids. They aren't kicking up a huge fuss just have made it known they don't like the idea. But I believe if explained to them properly why this is the case that they will get over it and be fine.

It sounds like it's really the bunk beds that are the issue rather than the sharing and you say they're lovely kids so I'd really try and find other options to the bunk beds (without people switching beds/rooms on different nights!).

As it's a decent sized double room, is it possible to get 3 single beds (with storage under maybe - like the great cabin beds someone posted: furniture123.co.uk/Images/WND008_1_Supersize.jpg?width=937&height=937&v=12&wgu=272155_54264_16062969165643_75337e962a&wgexpiry=1614072916&utm_source=Skimbit%20LTD&utm_medium=webgains&refsource=webgains).

Maybe a toddler bed/cot bed for the 3 year old for now. Get rid of seating and dressers as the cabin beds have enough storage under. TV goes on the wall. Don't worry too much about floor space. Even in my DS's pretty small double bedroom, I think there'd be enough room for 3 beds if really needed.

I've never liked sleeping in bunk beds so I do get how the DSC feel - you feel the person on the other bed roll over and you feel like you can't roll over because it'll impact on them!

Not read the full thread sorry but I think a useful guide is, what would you do if all 3 were your biological children? Probably they would all share - while not ideal, it's the only option at the moment. So I would say it is also fine in the case of step kids!

Thanks Starlight, I've actually just said to DH to get his tape measure out to see if there's a way we could work it so all 3 beds are separate. I'm sure we could do it, just as you say not much floor space but if they have space under beds it's not end of the world.

I just saw your latest post - if the sharing is an issue you could divide the room with bunk beds, maybe give 3 yo the bottom bunk and their own space (so they can go to bed earlier etc) and one DSC has top bunk and one has a bed in the second "room". Something like this:
www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/12334045/mum-splits-daughters-room-in-two-bunk-beds/

We can ask DSC what they'd prefer that way then. Floor space or separate beds, they can feel more involved then as well.

Is it not a dangerous precedent to set though when you start giving in to every 'I won't come then' when having to do something they don't particularly like? Not that I think this would happen anyway tbh. As I say, until they are older they wouldn't have a choice but to come whilst mum works. And personally, I don't believe my DSC are like this.

Absolutely agree.

And even if they were that way inclined, I would absolutely not go along with denying my own child things they should have and that it is perfectly fair for them to have (such as a share in the bedroom) due to the threat that the step children might stop coming. As sad as that is that would not be my priority, I'm not going to litter my own daughter's childhood with unfair limitations so they don't threaten to stop coming.

What about something like this OP? bedzandbeyond.co.uk/product/triple-sleeper-bunk-bed/

Hope you can work it out @GrubBug, sounds like there's just some clever use of space and furniture needed and that maybe it won't be completely exactly what the DSC would choose but at least they'll feel their feelings have been taken into account which I think is important. You could also present them with a couple of options that you have worked out and see how they feel about them.

Or this? I mean it's a fairly pricy solution but feels less 'bunk-beddy' and offers a bit more privacy for everyone?

[quote CandyLeBonBon]What about something like this OP? bedzandbeyond.co.uk/product/triple-sleeper-bunk-bed/[/quote]
That's pretty cool.

I think if we managed to get bunks that were 'cool' in some way, they'd actually be okay with it haha.

Thanks for the suggestions. I'm feeling more positive that there is something we can work out that works for everyone, as PP said, maybe not what everyone would choose, but a satisfactory compromise!

We'll have a brain storm and then offer some ideas up, see what kids think. I'm not usually very creative so I don't always think outside the box but DH is pretty good at stuff like that so if I can get him on board I reckon he could come up with some good ideas.

I like that @CandyLeBonBon. It doesn't look too claustrophobic or as rickety as some bunk beds do!

I think if we present it with multiple ideas, they will feel like they are getting a choice still, even if it still means sharing.

@CandyLeBonBon

Or this? I mean it's a fairly pricy solution but feels less 'bunk-beddy' and offers a bit more privacy for everyone?

I reckon if DH actually put his mind to it, he could do something like this himself. He's extremely handy! It's quite similar to the stuff he does as work tbh. Not creating bunk beds 😂 but making things for homes!

It's doable @GrubBug - and as you say if the beds aren't the cheap rickety looking ones they might feel differently- the stairs on the triple one make getting in and out of bed a lot easier and they can still see each other. And little DC has a cosy snug area too! I reckon you'll sort it! Let us know how you get on!

I reckon if DH actually put his mind to it, he could do something like this himself.

I wish I could've done this for my lot when they were smaller! I was in a similar bind to you - it could be a new sideline for your DH!!

@GrubBug it'd be like staying at Hogwarts!!

@CandyLeBonBon

I reckon if DH actually put his mind to it, he could do something like this himself.

I wish I could've done this for my lot when they were smaller! I was in a similar bind to you - it could be a new sideline for your DH!!

😁😁😁 good practice as well as he might need to make another for their mum in a few years! 😂

@BoudiccaD

Your child lives there all the time and doesn't even have their own bedroom over children who are there less than half the week who have their own space at their other parents house

The children didn't choose to have two homes, and I daresay do not percieve it as a luxury.

[quote VeniceQueen2004]@BoudiccaD

Your child lives there all the time and doesn't even have their own bedroom over children who are there less than half the week who have their own space at their other parents house

The children didn't choose to have two homes, and I daresay do not percieve it as a luxury.[/quote]
And ours didn't choose to be born.

You could say that about anything.

@contrmary

There's no way an eleven year old should be sharing with a three year old. It is a perfect opportunity for sexual abuse. It's perhaps OK for the nine and eleven year olds to share, but the age gap is too big for the three year old.

Could you give your room to your child and sleep on the sofa when the step children are around, and use their room when they're absent?

Did I really just read that!!

@andtheHossyourodeinon

*I guess my question would be, why did you have another child when you were already pushed for space for the children you did have?

OP didn't have another child. as she only has one. Ask her husband, but she's a mother of one.*

Yes, husband is at fault here too (although actually in this case no-one is as OP has kindly explained to me - just life happening). But the OP knew her husband had children when she chose to have a relationship with him, when she chose to meet them, when she chose to have a home with them. You can't just pretend that your presence in their lives and any further children you have with their father has no impact on them because they're 'not your kids' - as the OP seems well aware as she rightly says 'We have three children'.

Honestly your attitude Boudicca is why step parents get such a bad rap. It's all me me me. I want this partner, I want to have a child with him I won't consider for a minute what that means for his existing children because they're NOT MY KIDS. Yes ultimately it's the parents' responsibility to ensure, if they choose to partner up again while their kids are small, that the partner is someone who will care for their children and have a positive not negative impact on their lives; but surely it's the responsibility of every adult to put the needs of small kids ahead of their own wants? If you want your life to be all about you and your kids there are plenty of childless potential partners out there.

to be clear I'm talking to @andtheHossyourodeinon not Boudicca, sorry! and definitely not the OP who from her posts is coming across as a really lovely stepmum. Sorry for picking you up earlier OP, I hadn't read right and was very wrong to.

*It's different with stepkids though. Their lives are already incredibly disrupted for the convenience of adults. Your parents don't love each other any more? Just the way it is. You no longer have a single permanent home to call your own? Just the way it is. New adults you don't know and didn't choose now have parenting role towards you, possibly bringing their own kids into the mix? Just the way it is. New half-sibling who gets to live with the parent you only see part of the time all of the time? Just the way it is, suck it up, you don't pay the bills, deal with it. It's a lot to ask of kids IMHO.

Sharing a room may not be an issue in itself; feeling like you have a real place in the home you only spend half your time in, and are a real priority to the parent you see only half the time, is a big deal, and it can be shaken by seemingly small issues like this unless managed properly.*

Best ensure a child who had no say in any of that sleeps on the floor in the corner of their parents room throughout growing up then, just in case the step kids irrationally link them having an equal (not greater) share of the bedroom to these things.

Of course, it's not at all worth considering that not being allowed to have your own space outside of your parents bedroom so it can be reserved for your older half siblings who aren't there half of the time, might have just as much of a detrimental effect on a child's mental well being as your parents being separated and having to move between them. The younger child does not have feelings and will not be adversely affected by anything.

@GrubBug

*And ours didn't choose to be born.

You could say that about anything.*

No-one's blaming your child for any of this. But at 3 they don't feel the need for their own room (albeit you and your husband might!). Whereas at 11 and 9 your SC will be all too aware of the abnormal situation they are in, will probably still be harbouring impossible fantasies of their parents getting back together and being a 'proper family'... My parents split before I was 2 and I still did this until early teens. It's HARD being from a broken home, no matter what parents and step parents tell themselves to make it feel OK, no matter how well adapted to it your kids seem to be.

If as you say you're nearly there with the new house, why not just wait a bit longer? After all for shagging purposes, you have the whole rest of the house and even the stepkids' room on their off days once 3yo is asleep. You don't NEED your bedroom for privacy and intimacy; it seems like it's creating a short term problem for a short term need when a bit of patience would sort everything out long term with no need for anyone to be put out (except the people who have created the situation!).

Thanks Venice. I do feel I am quite a reasonable SM! I certainly don't expect DSC to come last or not feel at home with us etc... I would just like to find a happy medium where no one comes last, but that does include our DC too.

I think as I've said, my DSC are pretty well rounded kids. They are very kind young people and as mentioned before they've often surprised me with how selfless they can be sometimes. In fact especially the oldest. They are, (obviously I'm biased but plenty of people mention it too!), one of the sweetest kids you could meet.

I think if we can come up with some 'cooler' options, they may get on board