To think 3 children sharing will have to do for now

[GrubBug]

2DSC, 1 DC between us.

2DSC are 9&11, DC is nearing 3. All same sex.

We were hoping to be able to move before the need came but unfortunately that hasn't happened due to a few reasons and now Covid too on top putting some strain on finances.

So far, DC has been in our room. I no longer think this is viable.

DSC have second bedroom which is still a big double. It's enough room for their current arrangement which is two separate beds, floor space, dressers, TV, and seating (two pouffe).

My plan is to have one side with bunk beds for DSC and the other side with a toddler bunk (low down and space underneath for toys etc...). Also means there's no need to get rid of any of the other stuff in there so set up would be the same, only difference being bunks rather than separate.

DH is hesitating because DSC don't want bunk beds and don't want to share room.

I know it's not ideal but our child needs their own space now. We are likely not going to be able to move now for another 2-3 years.

AIBU to say it will have to do for now and put my foot down?

It's not fair imo to have a resident child in with us, having no space for their things just to avoid DSC having bunk beds for a couple of years.

DSC are good kids. They aren't kicking up a huge fuss just have made it known they don't like the idea. But I believe if explained to them properly why this is the case that they will get over it and be fine.

I'm late to this thread and I'm sure this has already been said but could you divide the room with some storage dividers? You could keep all their things in there but have a corner for the little one and a bigger space for the other two.

Something like this....

Though make sure properly attached to the wall of course so it doesn't fall on anyone!

Haven't RTFT so apologies if it's been said, but you can easily put internal windows in stud walls if you did want to split the room into two. It's done in offices all the time and we actually looked into it when we thought about splitting a room –it wasn't very expensive to do.

Otherwise, I'd definitely try trawling Pinterest for clever interior ideas so the girls all feel like they have their own space. And get them involved once you have a rough idea of what you want so it's exciting for them! It's all about the spin

I say again, this is not an advantage!! They have their own space at their mum's house, a shared space at their dad's house - they have no home of their own. This is not a minor issue!
If it’s not an advantage to have this at one house how can it be such a disadvantage not to have it at the other?

And also, what’s your answer?
A) no contact with dad so that they only have one home
B) continue to deny the needs of everyone else in the family

It's a fundamental psychic wound to have no stable home, to feel how everything in your life can just be snatched away without you having any control, to find you suddenly have new parent figures and half-siblings whose wishes will always mean more than yours in any situation because 'they live here all the time'.

I do sympathise but equally think, certainly in this case, it's often a case of practicality rather than anybody's wishes being put above someone else. It's madness that OP's 3-year-old is still sharing a bedroom with her and her DH when there is a room they could be sharing with other children AND which is empty 4 days out of 7 each week.

They have their own space at their mum's house, a shared space at their dad's house - they have no home of their own. This is not a minor issue!

I don't understand how they are considered not to have a home of their own when they actually have 2?

Yes they aren't in the same place every night but equally they likely still consider both places home. Not sure what the alternative is unless they never spend overnights with one of their parents?

The other thing I’ve seen work as a divider is a large Kallax (secured to the wall). Then you get storage but you could leave the top squares open which might let in a bit of light if you’re worried about the window.

t's a fundamental psychic wound to have no stable home

Oh stop it. The drama!!
They have 2 stable homes. They're fine.

If you could put a blackout curtain up between the divider and wall, you could make a nice cosy corner for your 3 year old so she wasn't woken up if the older two wanted to read in bed at night.

Honestly, I don't think it's going to harm these girls particularly to have to share with a younger child for a while until the OP can move to a bigger home. Especially with a step-mother who cares so much about them. It will be an inconvenience, but a few nice things for their new "room" and lots of praise for how considerate and sensible they are should go a long way towards making it up to them.

For those who I know who have blended families were the older children start staying in just one home it been gradual, no instant drama but always comments of feeling like a visitor rather than a family member in the other home. A child’s perspective will always be through their lens, a feeling that is difficult to be reasoned away. There may be no solution other than the three sharing and it may be perfectly fine. but it has to be acknowledged that there may be long term consequences and even resentment.

@Boulshired it is acknowledged, it just ultimately should not be prioritised at the expense of OPs child having a bedroom before the age of six.

Ultimately, there is no correct answer to this. All they can do is discuss things and try and come to the best compromise. What I wouldn’t do is sell it as temporary and promise a move in a few years as no one can know whether they will definitely be in a position to move then or not.

Sleeping layout can be solved. If there is space I would partition the room, giving more space to the older ones since there are two of them. You can make an internal window in the partition to let in some light.

The problem is going to be all the stuff as 3 yr olds are not compatible with older kids’ stuff really and the 9 and 11 year olds are not going to love having a bunch of toddler stuff in their room.

In your shoes I would let the older ones have access to your bedroom as a quiet space if they need to do homework or play something that the 3 year old would ruin. I would also try to keep the 3 year old toys downstairs, presumably they are too little to play in their room anyway.

There may be no solution other than the three sharing and it may be perfectly fine. but it has to be acknowledged that there may be long term consequences and even resentment.

I think it depends largely on how it's presented. "We love having you guys here, but X is not a baby now and needs some space so we're going to try to figure out something that works really well for all three of you" is totally different to "we've given your room to the toddler". Especially if backed up with "do you want to choose some new things like a night light or new rug for your space?"

Here, it sounds like the adults involved are all on the same page as regards parenting the children and there is good communication between them. So the children are less likely to feel pushed out and an afterthought, especially if mum is completely uninterested in sowing the seeds of resentment in the children.

I really wanted a younger sister when I was 11, btw OP. My own DSis is only 18 months younger than me so, although we were great friends growing up, that didn't count as "younger" . I tried to bully my parents into adopting (also had a DBro so there were already 3 of us!) and offered to share my room with the new child, but funnily enough they didn't go for it! So your DSC are very lucky imo and will hopefully grow up to have a great relationship with the LO.

I've been the child in this situation. I didn't object to it in theory but it did become an issue in practice. The main issue I remember was bed times - 3 year olds and 12 year olds have very different bed time needs, and it gets worse! My youngest sib would be tucked up in bed at 7 and I wouldn't have access to my room in case I woke her up. I then had to go to bed at 9 so my parents could get "adult wind down time" and had to sneak in and get undressed in the dark, which was a pain, and then normally for woken up early by the sib. Plus it meant I couldn't have friends over, didn't have anywhere quiet for homework etc. I did resent it a bit.

Re having friends over for sleepovers, they've always preferred to do this in the lounge. Usually just set them up with airbeds, sweets, movies etc... in the living room and me and DH make ourselves sparse!

Definitely see your points though.

Last time we made a den for them in the living room, it was awesome. Me and DH used it the following night when they were at their mums 😂😂

@Youseethethingis

I say again, this is not an advantage!! They have their own space at their mum's house, a shared space at their dad's house - they have no home of their own. This is not a minor issue!
If it’s not an advantage to have this at one house how can it be such a disadvantage not to have it at the other?

Missing the point much? The point is they are already disadvantaged by mot having their own home. So pointing out they have their own room in another house they only spend half their time in is not a trump card.

Meh. My friends have 11 people in a 4 bed

My father had 26 people in a 2 up 2 down! After the war. When a lot of Britain was bombed. Many people. Like my grandmother. Took in neighbours. So that meant lots of overcrowding.

Both my father and my friends family love it. They say there’s always someone to talk too and someone to play with.

So for me. It’s fine to have 3 in one room.

@Youseethethingis

And also, what’s your answer?
A) no contact with dad so that they only have one home
B) continue to deny the needs of everyone else in the family

Personally if I was their dad I would have thought very carefully about whether I could have another child with a new partner and still accommodate their needs, recognising that these would be different needs than if he had stayed with their mum and provided them with a stable home. So yes, siblings share all the time and it's no problem; but if a child doesn't have a stable home of their own, it's all the more important that the space that is 'theirs' in each home they have is something they can rely on, and that they don't feel shoved aside to accommodate new arrivals. So yes, I would probably have waited until I actually had a home with enough space for my intended family before creating the child.

The point is they are already disadvantaged by mot having their own home

They do have their own home. Two of them in fact.

The Dsc have to lump it with (nice) bunkbeds. But you can perhaps sweeten the medicine by offering them their own storage boxes which slide under the bunkbed , which they can decorate as they wish , keep their private stuff in, and the 3 yr old will NOT be allowed to fiddle with the private boxes. Or maybe, three matching duvet covers chosen by the big girls, or new bedroom decor chosen by a committee of 3 girls.

There is also the option of nesting (where the children stay in the family home and the parents come in and out for their contact time). Not so convenient when parents prioritise moving on with their new relationships however.

Or if one home is more suitable/stable than the other, the every other weekend thing might work better so they have a main home and then visit the other parent (while not ideal this does at least acknowledge the reality of the situation and give them some consistency. Being a suitcase kid who splits every week, especially in a home which is no longer large enough to accommodate them, seems like the worst of all worlds to me.

But people do what they do, and the best must be made of it - I just don't think it should be done without at least acknowledging the potential impact on the kids.

@andtheHossyourodeinon

have you ever had to live like that?