To think 3 children sharing will have to do for now

[GrubBug]

2DSC, 1 DC between us.

2DSC are 9&11, DC is nearing 3. All same sex.

We were hoping to be able to move before the need came but unfortunately that hasn't happened due to a few reasons and now Covid too on top putting some strain on finances.

So far, DC has been in our room. I no longer think this is viable.

DSC have second bedroom which is still a big double. It's enough room for their current arrangement which is two separate beds, floor space, dressers, TV, and seating (two pouffe).

My plan is to have one side with bunk beds for DSC and the other side with a toddler bunk (low down and space underneath for toys etc...). Also means there's no need to get rid of any of the other stuff in there so set up would be the same, only difference being bunks rather than separate.

DH is hesitating because DSC don't want bunk beds and don't want to share room.

I know it's not ideal but our child needs their own space now. We are likely not going to be able to move now for another 2-3 years.

AIBU to say it will have to do for now and put my foot down?

It's not fair imo to have a resident child in with us, having no space for their things just to avoid DSC having bunk beds for a couple of years.

DSC are good kids. They aren't kicking up a huge fuss just have made it known they don't like the idea. But I believe if explained to them properly why this is the case that they will get over it and be fine.

We could find somewhere for a desk either in living room or our bedroom once DCs bed is out of there.

Don't mind then chilling in our room watching TV until bed if that's what they want. At the moment they prefer to stay downstairs with us in the lounge tbh but I appreciate that may change soon.

YANBU because it's the best solution you can offer at the moment. But I would try to move ASAP - in 2-3 years one of the children will be a teenager and sharing with a very young child could be pretty horrible.

Where would the consistency and routine be for the resident child, to be moved about because siblings are staying?!

Yes I don't really want people moving around the house sleeping in different rooms depending on the day of the week, defeats the whole purpose of them having their space.

Also not sure how me and DH could sleep in the lounge just for the nights the DSC are here? If we're giving our room to the children we'd need to get rid of our bed. Unless they mean we then move to DSC room and sleep in two singles for the rest of the week?

I'm just imagining my parents faffing about like this when I was younger 😂 they definitely wouldn't have.

There's no way an eleven year old should be sharing with a three year old. It is a perfect opportunity for sexual abuse

Please tell me I didn't just read that.

OP, the needs of your stepchildren don't come above the needs of your own child. They all have needs, and at the moment they are all going to have to compromise. I dare say the expectations of the 3 yr old to be quiet and not disturb their siblings are going to be far higher than they would be if they weren't sharing a room, just as the siblings would have to be more careful not to wake the 3 yr old up. But it is only temporary.

If you get on with the DSC's mum, OP, could you possibly discuss this with her openly? If she's a reasonable person, she would be telling her DC that it will be fine for them to share with their half-sibling temporarily, what fun they will have choosing beds, etc, etc, etc, and generally putting a positive spin on it. In the same way divorced parents have to be smiley and positive when their DC come back from their ex's house saying how huge it is, how they have their own bathroom, etc, etc, etc. The job of all the parents/adults is to set a positive and agreeable example.

We definitely intend to move as soon as we can.

Haven't read the thread but absolutely.

It's your home full time.

You don't get to not have a bedroom for children who come 3 nights a week. That means a bedroom is standing empty for 4 nights a week. Such a waste of space.

I could have a chat with their mum yes. We speak quite a lot, get on very well. I actually know she is currently TTC with her partner in a 2 bed house! The horror. No idea what she intends to do. Maybe we can swap ideas 😂

11 is too old for bunks what utter tosh. Adults in barracks or hostels sleep in bunks. Soldiers on ships sleep in tiny bunks sometimes triple high. Madness. If they're likely to be tall for for European bunks at 200cm long like a U.K. king is rather than U.K. at 190cm.

The children may stop coming anyway regardless of room sharing.

Teenagers, friends, plans etc

When contact is no longer rigidly enforced on older children you might find they don't come as much anyway

I think it will be fine. Explain to them there is no choice and that you are going to move when you can.

Get them involved by letting them choose some new bits for their room when you change to bunks. New duvet covers, fairy lights maybe some wee shelves or wall stickers or something.

Is it not a dangerous precedent to set though when you start giving in to every 'I won't come then' when having to do something they don't particularly like?

Not that I think this would happen anyway tbh. As I say, until they are older they wouldn't have a choice but to come whilst mum works. And personally, I don't believe my DSC are like this.

This constant pandering to children

Are they working or paying the mortgage, the bills or the food?

Tell them that's the way it is.

I guess my question would be, why did you have another child when you were already pushed for space for the children you did have?

If you intended to move to a 3 bed and that is still your intention, why not wait until you were closer than 3 years away from that goal before conceiving?

If this was an accidental pregnancy then I suppose nothing you could have done - but to plan this situation (or to arrive at it my a lack of planning) doesn't seem very sensible to me. It does smack a bit of "this isn't your REAL home, so it doesn't matter where you sleep". But I say that as a stepchild whose half-sibling was very favoured, so take with a pinch of salt.

😂 @GrubBug

I think the DSC's mum could be your secret weapon. Thankfully most people are reasonably sane in real life, and it sounds as if she is (which means her DC are likely to be, too). Her DC can help to choose beds, bedding, decorate their bit of the room, etc, etc, etc. If all the adults turn it into something new and fun and exciting, the children are still young enough to follow suit.

As for desk space: given that your situation is temporary, I wouldn't worry unduly. And even if it weren't, desks aren't compulsory. I only have one DC still at school, and a small house; prep has always been done at the kitchen table because we've only got space for one desk, which is occupied by my computer and work stuff. But, again, you just turn it into a positive thing - the kitchen is nice and warm and friendly and a lovely place to do your prep (far nicer than being shut away in your bedroom). Even if that's not necessarily true!

@GrubBug

Is it not a dangerous precedent to set though when you start giving in to every 'I won't come then' when having to do something they don't particularly like?

Not that I think this would happen anyway tbh. As I say, until they are older they wouldn't have a choice but to come whilst mum works. And personally, I don't believe my DSC are like this.

Well if their mum is ttc you might actually get that they want to come to yours.

Yours is 3 I think? If their mum got pregnant now yours would be 4-5 by the time it came?

They might not want to be tiptoeing around a screaming baby and exhausted parents

I hate bunkbeds..... how about you take out the beanbags??

You could even use stackable beds for the DSCs so there's more space in the bedroom when they're not there.

@Newuser991

*This constant pandering to children

Are they working or paying the mortgage, the bills or the food?

Tell them that's the way it is.*

It's different with stepkids though. Their lives are already incredibly disrupted for the convenience of adults. Your parents don't love each other any more? Just the way it is. You no longer have a single permanent home to call your own? Just the way it is. New adults you don't know and didn't choose now have parenting role towards you, possibly bringing their own kids into the mix? Just the way it is. New half-sibling who gets to live with the parent you only see part of the time all of the time? Just the way it is, suck it up, you don't pay the bills, deal with it. It's a lot to ask of kids IMHO.

Sharing a room may not be an issue in itself; feeling like you have a real place in the home you only spend half your time in, and are a real priority to the parent you see only half the time, is a big deal, and it can be shaken by seemingly small issues like this unless managed properly.

All the comments about 11 being too old for bunk beds are making me laugh. My high school/uni boyfriend had a single loft bed at his parents’ house the whole time I knew him. We used to share it when I stayed over with them during uni holidays, and neither of us was particularly short either. It might not be anyone’s bed of choice but if two grown adults can share one, then one 11 year old can definitely manage.

I thought all the posters saying it's unfair on the step kids and to get a sofa bed were being dramatic, until a read the sexual abuse comment. Yes they can share for a few years it's not the end of the world. The person saying the courts will let the 11 year old decide where she stays even tho the mum works nights. Do you honestly think the courts would turn round and tell the mum to quit her job and get a different one, so an 11 year old doesn't have to share a room with siblings for 2 years. No.

I guess my question would be, why did you have another child when you were already pushed for space for the children you did have?

I guess my question would be did you read the OP?

We had fully intended to move. If you require a further explanation, we actually got half way through a purchase before the baby came. Unfortunately circumstances outside of our control, job loss if you must know, meant we weren't able to carry on with it at the time.

We'd then hoped this year but Covid has affected us too, especially DH who is usually the main earner.

You can plan all you like, as we've discovered the last couple of years, life doesn't always play ball. It's been a slog and quite hard tbh but we are nearly at the other side.

*Another thread where the demands of step children are far more important than the actual needs of resident children Of course they have to share. They'll have to suck it up like the millions of other kids sharing a bedroom who might perhaps prefer their own. Your child lives there all the time and doesn't even have their own bedroom over children who are there less than half the week who have their own space at their other parents house. I'm only surprised he's been in your room for so long to be honesty

This.

On a practical note: all bunk beds are not equal!

We actually bought a bunk and put it up before fully realising this.

It IS possible to get a proper full size single bunk bed with room for an adult 6 foot man to sit up in the bottom bunk - but they really aren't all like this. It's also possible to get a bunk where the mattress in the top bunk isn't so high that there's only a inch or so ledge to stop you falling out (same bed from a large well respected kids furniture manufacturer)

In the end we sent back the once-slept in £700 poncy bunk (because they admitted it wasn't safe with the mattress they sold us on the too bunk) and bought a second hand Habitat 'Ando' one for £100. It's a standard single and a really good height in the bottom bunk.

I guess my question would be, why did you have another child when you were already pushed for space for the children you did have?

OP didn't have another child. as she only has one. Ask her husband, but she's a mother of one.

Just to clarify, DSC aren't demanding anything, they aren't being grumpy or having tantrums over this. They've expressed that they don't want bunk beds or to share yes but they haven't done so in a strop or demanded their own anything or they won't come again etc...

It's DH who never likes to say no. He's a bit of a soft arse tbh!

@GrubBug

Is it not a dangerous precedent to set though when you start giving in to every 'I won't come then' when having to do something they don't particularly like?

Not that I think this would happen anyway tbh. As I say, until they are older they wouldn't have a choice but to come whilst mum works. And personally, I don't believe my DSC are like this.

Yes I really really agree. This can go down a very dark road and has done in our situation. Have a read through my posts if you want to see how awful this can get. I met my DP later, his kids were older and this negotiation was firmly in place.

Anyway there is nothing to suggest your step children won't accept this. Just really focus on them understanding that they are part of the discussion / plan and you're all in it together as a family.