To think 3 children sharing will have to do for now

[GrubBug]

2DSC, 1 DC between us.

2DSC are 9&11, DC is nearing 3. All same sex.

We were hoping to be able to move before the need came but unfortunately that hasn't happened due to a few reasons and now Covid too on top putting some strain on finances.

So far, DC has been in our room. I no longer think this is viable.

DSC have second bedroom which is still a big double. It's enough room for their current arrangement which is two separate beds, floor space, dressers, TV, and seating (two pouffe).

My plan is to have one side with bunk beds for DSC and the other side with a toddler bunk (low down and space underneath for toys etc...). Also means there's no need to get rid of any of the other stuff in there so set up would be the same, only difference being bunks rather than separate.

DH is hesitating because DSC don't want bunk beds and don't want to share room.

I know it's not ideal but our child needs their own space now. We are likely not going to be able to move now for another 2-3 years.

AIBU to say it will have to do for now and put my foot down?

It's not fair imo to have a resident child in with us, having no space for their things just to avoid DSC having bunk beds for a couple of years.

DSC are good kids. They aren't kicking up a huge fuss just have made it known they don't like the idea. But I believe if explained to them properly why this is the case that they will get over it and be fine.

@andtheHossyourodeinon

*t's a fundamental psychic wound to have no stable home

Oh stop it. The drama!!
They have 2 stable homes. They're fine.*

How on earth would you know if they're fine?

@Bibidy

*They have their own space at their mum's house, a shared space at their dad's house - they have no home of their own. This is not a minor issue!

I don't understand how they are considered not to have a home of their own when they actually have 2?

Yes they aren't in the same place every night but equally they likely still consider both places home. Not sure what the alternative is unless they never spend overnights with one of their parents?*

Did you grow up with two homes and stepparents as a child? If not, why do you think your interpretation is more valid than mine who did?

It would be utterly ridiculous for your child (who lives there full time) to not have a bedroom so that two children (who already share a room) and don’t live there 4 nights a week don’t have to share with their third sibling. Put foot right down.

@VeniceQueen2004

There is also the option of nesting (where the children stay in the family home and the parents come in and out for their contact time). Not so convenient when parents prioritise moving on with their new relationships however.

Or if one home is more suitable/stable than the other, the every other weekend thing might work better so they have a main home and then visit the other parent (while not ideal this does at least acknowledge the reality of the situation and give them some consistency. Being a suitcase kid who splits every week, especially in a home which is no longer large enough to accommodate them, seems like the worst of all worlds to me.

But people do what they do, and the best must be made of it - I just don't think it should be done without at least acknowledging the potential impact on the kids.

have you heard yourself? this is nothing to do with moving on with new partners, the fact is "nesting" is absolutely batshit and works for almost nobody.

*Meh. My friends have 11 people in a 4 bed

My father had 26 people in a 2 up 2 down! After the war. When a lot of Britain was bombed. Many people. Like my grandmother. Took in neighbours. So that meant lots of overcrowding.

Both my father and my friends family love it. They say there’s always someone to talk too and someone to play with.

So for me. It’s fine to have 3 in one room.*

eyeroll

And my grandad's dad used to take the belt to him, so it's probably OK for me to slap my kid around a bit sometimes right?

The 'it could be worse' line is very old and tired.

@TrustTheGeneGenie

It works for the kids better than them being pushed from pillar to post every week.

[quote VeniceQueen2004]@Bibidy

*They have their own space at their mum's house, a shared space at their dad's house - they have no home of their own. This is not a minor issue!

I don't understand how they are considered not to have a home of their own when they actually have 2?

Yes they aren't in the same place every night but equally they likely still consider both places home. Not sure what the alternative is unless they never spend overnights with one of their parents?*

Did you grow up with two homes and stepparents as a child? If not, why do you think your interpretation is more valid than mine who did?[/quote]
well i did, and i am not psychologically scarred from it - in fact i went between 3 homes at one point and that didn't bother me either!

not everything needs to be a massive life ruining drama - if you play it like that of course itll feel worse, if you play it as a minor change - which it is, it's unlikely to psychologically scar them.

drama llamas galore today.

[quote VeniceQueen2004]@TrustTheGeneGenie

It works for the kids better than them being pushed from pillar to post every week.[/quote]
how many children have you surveyed who are living in that position?

i personally think that is likely more psychogically damaging for children because the lines are all blurred.

i also think it would cause more problems than it solves.

@NailsNeedDoing

I think them sharing is fine in theory, but 11 is a bit old to start having a bunk bed. It won’t be long at all before they get too big for bunk beds to be comfortable.

Adults are fine in bunkbeds. They are just the same as single beds.

as long as the beds are normal length there is no reason not to use beds that are 2ft 6inches (ds & I had these - we shared room until our oldest sibling married we were in mid/late teens). Or get cabin beds with slot in storage (gets rid of storage space & often with desks) Or this size beds which slot under each other when not in use. with curtain or barrier to put round little ones bed for sleeping or book case barrier between the two areas - second pinterest (love that site) & repeating idea of small conservatory?

by the way bunkbeds are used on submarines - you could build on this! or angled bunks with storage underneath the empty end?

On the subject of feeling like you have no home, I would like to add my own experience.

I was a step child, of separated parents although my parents admittedly never had other children so I can't comment on that part.

I understand the need to have a home base. But I personally just felt like that about my resident parents home (which was my Dad). I saw my mum regularly, never felt pushed out or anything. But I did feel like my dad's house was home and my mum's was my mum's house. I still definitely felt like I had a home though, I just didn't feel it about both houses, just my dad's.

It wasn't to do with either of them making me feel any sort of way or not enjoying being in one more than the other. It's just thats where I spent majority of my time.

I certainly didn't grow up feeling like I didn't have a home. I did. To me it was my dad's.

@TrustTheGeneGenie

*how many children have you surveyed who are living in that position?

i personally think that is likely more psychogically damaging for children because the lines are all blurred.

i also think it would cause more problems than it solves.*

Well you are at least entitled to a view having been a child on the move week to week. I have a different view from a similar place of experience.

There's not much research on this option as few parents opt for it (I think because supporting three households on 2 peoples' income is not usually doable, so it's expedient for the parents to move the children rather than the other way around, and also because sadly few parents at the point of divorce have a good enough relationship to carry it off). But certainly if you'd asked me what I would have preferred at that age this would have been it. To me it stands to reason that it would be simpler for children to see both their parents one at a time in their own home than it is to have to move between two homes and get enmeshed in whatever new family arrangements their parents choose to make. Not sure why you think it is easier for kids to have to travel between homes every week, not have all their things in one place etc. The only reason I can see this being psychologically damaging for kids is if the parents choose to make their problems with it the kids' problems.

@GrubBug

I certainly didn't grow up feeling like I didn't have a home. I did. To me it was my dad's.

But did you split the week as your SC are doing? This is quite unusual in our generation, usually it was EOW with the non resident parent. Whih does give the option of feeling like you have 'home' and then 'dad/mum's house' where you visit but don't necessarily feel too attached to. Which I think is a lot healthier tbh.

i think there is more emphasis now on 'equal time', partly because of societal expectations of parenting and partly, baldly, because it means less maintenance to be paid to the resident parent. But I'm not sure it's good for children.

What about a bunk bed and a high sleeper with sofa underneath to create a den area? Littlest could sleep on the bottom on the bunk bed with older two in higher beds. Theres bunk beds with shelves that are nice and low to the ground plus they give DC a personal space each on their beds.

Depending on the reason they don't like bunk beds, a truckle bed that stores under a single might work to have floor space in the day.

[quote VeniceQueen2004]@GrubBug

I certainly didn't grow up feeling like I didn't have a home. I did. To me it was my dad's.

But did you split the week as your SC are doing? This is quite unusual in our generation, usually it was EOW with the non resident parent. Whih does give the option of feeling like you have 'home' and then 'dad/mum's house' where you visit but don't necessarily feel too attached to. Which I think is a lot healthier tbh.[/quote]
No one's situation is going to be identical to someone else's but yes, I did see my mum a couple of a nights a week.

The point is, it doesn't mean that they definitely feel they have no home.

Your experience has obviously helped form your opinion, it doesn't mean other people's experiences of the same or similar are any less valid.

I am a step child myself, my parents were divorced, I went between two houses and I don't and never did feel like I was wounded by it and never had a home growing up. I appreciate you did feel that way, but clearly it is not universal.

Fair dos. Everybody's different. But statistically MH outcomes are worse for children with divorced parents. Glad your experience was more positive.

I'd also be interested to know if either of your parents had new partners (I know you said they had no more kids). I do think that also changes the dynamic. Can be for good or ill, and it's not static - I was miserable in my dad and stepmum's home as s child, but now I'm grown up my stepmum and I have a great relationship (only slightly marred by the ongoing favouritism to my brother, but to be fair that could just as easily be because he's "the baby" and the only boy - I only assume it's because he's the child they share). I'm glad she's inyvlife as she's a great friend and role model. But if I were to split up with my partner, no way would I move in with anyone else until she was out of the house, because of my experience.

Sorry by she I mean my daughter

So yes, I would probably have waited until I actually had a home with enough space for my intended family before creating the child.
That’s not the point though, the child is here now, and is as deserving of consideration as anyone else.
Even if the house was big enough, you were saying the main problem is that they live across two homes, in which case the square footage of those homes is neither here nor there.
So what’s your answer to that? Just not seeing one parent for overnights? They could have them at Buckingham Palace for all the difference it makes to your argument that they must come first in all things, regardless of the cost to others, because they were born first.

www.dreams.co.uk/erin-bunk-bed/p/423-00125?gclid=CjwKCAiAnvj9BRA4EiwAuUMDf5B_cph5EgVBTfenVacaEoK6WHNHogO6T-miEZbkR5HM3zaC80GfzxoCjbUQAvD_BwE

We have this. Its nice and low to the ground for toddler and draws are handy. We got mattress from ikea

@Standrewsschool

Could you give one of the dcyour bedroo, and have a sofa bed in the lounge to sleep on. You could still have your stuff in your old bedroom.

Thats a bonkers suggestion, what happens if op or dp want an early night?