To really be angry/upset by DH white lie

[Plantyplantasaurus]

I had an appointment at the time I usually walk the dog and asked him to take instead while I was out, said yes. I come back and dog is still in house and is perfectly clean and dry. Where we live and with recent weather there is nowhere to walk where coming home clean and dry is remotely possible.

Asked if he had actually taken dog, to which he said yes and started getting arsey that I am questioning him. I said I think you are lying. Took the dog and am now even more 100% certain they hadn’t been for various reasons.

I know it’s not a huge deal although disrespectful and annoying, he probably just couldn’t be arsed and I was back earlier than expected...but I really hate lying, he knows this, it really eats away at trust for me as I have had some pretty monumental lie situations in previous relationships. This isn’t the first time he’s told a little lie to smooth things over for himself or avoid a conflict (he really hates conflict, like I really hate lying).

I’ve left it for now as I’m busy but how would you approach this? It is going to wind me up all day I think!

Anyone who is about to shout LTB please don’t as our relationship is good, we are happy and he is not a generally awful person. Doesn’t mean I want to let it slide, just to react proportionately.

Erm... it’s a tricky one, OP. Maybe he towel-dried the dog? I wouldn’t be appreciating this sort of interrogation, tbh.

Maybe he sent dog into garden - clutching at straws here!
The lying is more upsetting than the non dog walking isn't it?

Tell him you know he hasn't taken the dog out. Don't let it slide if you don't want to.

Well the moments gone now so I wouldn't know how to bring it up again. I'd have probably said "where did you take her because she's always wet and muddy where I take her?" At the time.

Bit mean of him not to take the dog out if it needed to go out. This would bother me a lot more than being white lied to tbh.

I know you say you hate ANY lying in relationships due to past experiences, and it is quite a weird thing for him to do. That said, a full scale quest for the truth, over every small thing, can become a bit obsessive sometimes and isn't all that healthy. But at the same time, yes, it is very weird if he did in fact lie.

I understand why you’re upset, I would be too- lying drives me mad!
However - why did you ask him if he’d walked the dog, when you knew that he hadn’t? I’m not saying you’re in the wrong at all, he definitely is for both not walking the dog and lying about it! But sometimes it helps to just think about the language you’re using and not giving him the opportunity to tell an instant lie when put on the spot.

This would piss me right off. Why didn’t he just say “I haven’t had time yet” ?
If you indicate that it’s acceptable he will keep on telling stupid, pointless lies that just make life messy and have you having to over-think everything.

It erodes trust in the long term, not good.

@Freixene I guess I was expecting him to say he hadn’t been yet...but then he lied. I’m not sure how I could have phrased differently

My DH does this. Usually I pick up the conversation later in the day and say something like “I’m not mad but why did you lie about that?” (Obvs I am a bit angry about it) and it always results in him saying that he just told me what I wanted to hear. 🤷‍♀️

Once he lied about what time he was leaving the house for a trip he planned with a friend, because they hadn’t agreed a time so he just made one up because he thought I wanted to hear a definite time. So I made my plans based on his answer and it resulted in him having to ask his mum to travel up and look after our daughter while I was at work. Honestly I cannot fathom why someone would lie about trivial things.

@StumpedOnceMore exactly! Now he’s dug himself into a hole where I am only going to be madder than if he had just said he hadn’t been yet

ignore, go and have a nice walk with the dog.
taking the dog out "again" will make your point

I’d be concerned that he didn’t see walking the dog as a priority. That would be a dealbreaker for me

Of course you wouldn't leave him over telling a fib about walking the dog.

Tbh I would find it annoying as id need to walk the dog now but I wouldn't find the lying half as bad as you do. He just couldn't be arsed to walk the dog and didn't want you moaning at him.

I'd just leave it. Hardly crime of the century.

It does erode trust. Stride000’s story illustrates what can happen and why it means you end up over-thinking. So in my case, having had it happen loads of times, you end up thinking “now can I ask him to walk the dog or should I just walk her myself .. because if he doesn’t and my appointment runs late it means I won’t have left myself enough time & I’ll be last for work ..” etc.
So your mind can’t rest because you can’t trust him. It increases the mental load/anxiety.
I’m not trying to stoke you up and I’d love to say “just forget it and enjoy your walk” but I don’t find that easy to do.
I think they do it so that one stops asking. And they can do what they want on their own terms.

@Costacoffeeplease

I’d be concerned that he didn’t see walking the dog as a priority. That would be a dealbreaker for me

Really? A deal-breaker as in breaking up over it?! Over the dog missing one walk??

That must be so irritating!

I'd explain to him, maybe another time when you're no longer angry, that lying is worse than simply forgetting to do something and annoying it. It may in fact lead to a much bigger confrontation, in the long run.

I'd promise to try not to overreact (or however you want to phrase the"conflict" he's avoiding) if he'll promise to be honest with you.

These types of lies are what you expect from a child avoiding punishment, not your adult partner. You need to be able to trust one another on issues big and small.

*admitting, not annoying!

Really? A deal-breaker as in breaking up over it?! Over the dog missing one walk?

Yeah...I can’t imagine telling the solicitor you want a divorce over that!!!
I doubt my DH would have lied about that but if he had I would have given him the side eye and challenged him “ Hmmmm and yet he seems suspiciously clean” with a pointed look. “ are you bull-shitting? You need to get your lazy arse out” Job done. He knows you know. It doesn’t have to become a “thing”.

Leave it alone and get over it. Mountain and Molehill come to mind with this one. Far worse things happen.

The most annoying part is that he thinks he can take you for a fool.
I would find it completely disrespectful. Sorry, but he sounds like a kn*b.

Can't see that this is a white lie - which is usually to avoid upsetting someone - rather than just a plain, less excusable, downright lie.
Wonder what he thought the poor dog was going to do. Git.

Actually it told a lie about breaking something not that long ago and was really grateful DP let it go as I was super embarrassed I’d broken it and then super embarrassed I’d lied. I never lie and don’t really know why I did.

So I’m going to give your husband the benefit of the doubt unless it’s a pattern of behaviour.

Is it too late to say “don’t have children with him”?

Because the dog= baby. He’s lazy with the dog...

My ex lied all the time, about everything. Trivial things, big things, things where I could walk to the other side of the house, point at X and prove he's just lied. Some men just can't help it. But he's my ex now.