To really be angry/upset by DH white lie

[Plantyplantasaurus]

I had an appointment at the time I usually walk the dog and asked him to take instead while I was out, said yes. I come back and dog is still in house and is perfectly clean and dry. Where we live and with recent weather there is nowhere to walk where coming home clean and dry is remotely possible.

Asked if he had actually taken dog, to which he said yes and started getting arsey that I am questioning him. I said I think you are lying. Took the dog and am now even more 100% certain they hadn’t been for various reasons.

I know it’s not a huge deal although disrespectful and annoying, he probably just couldn’t be arsed and I was back earlier than expected...but I really hate lying, he knows this, it really eats away at trust for me as I have had some pretty monumental lie situations in previous relationships. This isn’t the first time he’s told a little lie to smooth things over for himself or avoid a conflict (he really hates conflict, like I really hate lying).

I’ve left it for now as I’m busy but how would you approach this? It is going to wind me up all day I think!

Anyone who is about to shout LTB please don’t as our relationship is good, we are happy and he is not a generally awful person. Doesn’t mean I want to let it slide, just to react proportionately.

It's nothing to do with walking the dog or not walking the dog, it's the fact he'd rather make something up than just hold his hands up - like a five year old would do. Mine does this. I often drink half a can of coke and leave the rest in the fridge so I can have it later, and on more than one occasion (which makes it worse) it has mysteriously disappeared, and when I've asked "oh, did I not leave my coke in the fridge??" he'll say "I dunno..." It's OBVIOUS he's taken it, but I don't want to make anything of it so I just leave it. But it drives me mad, because it's just childish. Like you, @Plantyplantasaurus I won't bring it up later because the moment has passed, but then I'm just holding onto the annoyance, which can then grow into worse. YANBU.

Because the dog= baby. He’s lazy with the dog

Do people actually beleive the horseshit they post on here or is it all for shitz and giggles?
Can't believe this needs saying but a dog is not a baby and is no indicator of how someone might look after a baby.

@WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo

There is no hysteria in OP's posts. Where have you got that from?

why are you treating him like kid?
If my partner questioned me like that I'd be very pissed off.
The problem here is:
you don't trust him so treat him like a child.
He lies to you so you don't trust him.
This is not a healthy partnership of 2 adults.

It's nothing to do with walking the dog or not walking the dog

I don't think the dog would see it like that

@andtheHossyourodeinon

Because the dog= baby. He’s lazy with the dog

Do people actually beleive the horseshit they post on here or is it all for shitz and giggles?
Can't believe this needs saying but a dog is not a baby and is no indicator of how someone might look after a baby.

It’s a very good indicator. Both are dependent on adult human beings to fulfill their needs.

@Strike000 I hear you

@Eckhart @WeAllHaveWings interesting perspectives. It probably is a bit of disliking my disagreeing. I can see this dynamic in his parents a little bit - they don’t ever really disagree with each other and he has said there was none of that when he was young. His mum appears to just do what she likes though and it’s a given .

I definitely seem to have to instruct on a lot of stuff for it to happen, this 100% impacts on the mental load I have to deal with especially as I can’t completely trust he will then do what he has agreed it appears. It’s usually when it’s ‘my job’ though - it wouldn’t strike him to do it instead when I’m not here. But in fairness there are things he just does which I wouldn’t know to do/how to do either

Avoids conflict? My arse.
His response to his failure to do what he said was to (a) lie and (b) get cross with you

A man who wanted to avoid conflict would say, “I’ve not been out with him yet actually - fancy a walk together? / I’ll do it now / would you mind taking him for xyz reason / do you think he’ll be OK to just have a big walk later?

However you feel about the lie, whatever you decide to do - don’t be taken in by some “hates conflict” bullshit.

My XH lied all the bloody time, if it was something he could be “blamed” for. Not as a result of my behaviour, or certainly anything he said about his previous girlfriends, or childhood 🤷🏻‍♀️ He just wouldn’t take responsibility for anything.

Stuff like - were you able to call the mortgage people today? “I tried 4x and it was constantly engaged” (in the days of call queuing...)

Did you get the bananas? “They didn’t have any”.

I love my second husband, because he’ll say, “I couldn’t be arsed with life admin today, I’ll call tomorrow.” or “Bananas? Bloody hell, they’re even on the list - how stupid am I?!”

I don’t know the answer OP. It’s not what I divorced mine over... but it was on my mental avoid list for my next marriage! I had the conversations - I don’t care if you forgot bananas, I have never and I will never shout at you or punish you in any way over something like that, but I hate the lies. But he was totally entrenched. Would not take responsibility.

@WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo

He probably lied because even on here you're managing to come across as hysterical.......chill the hell out. And he probably won't feel the need to lie. 💁🏻‍♀️

Hysterical. Mmmmm I’m not sure what you are used to reading but the OP’s post is hardly “hysterical”. Your post, on the other hand, comes across as extremely aggressive.

Just out of interest, are you aware of the misogynistic origins of the word hysterical?

There seems to be a jump on the band wagon thing going on which is the par for the course on here when the chance to abuse a DH but I think posters are missing a salient point here. There is no actual proof the DH didn't take the dog for a walk. I have had dogs all my life (currently have 3) and have fostered close to 80 and I can tell you sometimes I take one out and she will some how come back muddy on a dry day and others who will been clean on a muddy day.
The OP has no idea but is making the assumption based on her own ideas. She doesnt know the route he took, how long for, what happened on it and
It seems to to me there are two reasons for this :
a) She is unhappy she couldn't shout at him for muddy foot prints in the house.
b) She doesnt trust him and only asked so she could shout at him afterwards.
Sorry I can't imagine my DH asking me if I had done something and then questioning about it and calling me a liar. I would be furious.
If this was the other way round your DH would be accused of bullying controlling abuse and you would be told not to do anything he asked again.
Honestly this is not about LTB to you. I would be saying to him, is this the kind of relationship he wants to be in and I wouldn't be surprised if that is exactly what he is thinking!

@Cheeseandwin5 I know 100% the dog hadn’t been for a walk, there is no possible scenario in the time available and with the evidence in front of me that this was true. We are having work done and even stepping out of the house at the moment involves mud

christ- this has nothing to do with whether the dog was walked or not.
OP babies her partner and he feels the need to lie to her. That is the issue.

His mum appears to just do what she likes though and it’s a given

That's his relationship template. That would explain it. He doesn't expect to be questioned, and has no idea what to do when he is, so he just does the quickest thing possible to make the situation vanish. In today's situation 'Did you walk the dog?' 'Er... yup!!'

Sorted. I loathe lying, but in his defense, if this sort of thing doesn't cause an issue between his parents, he has been set an example that it's ok. Calm chat about it, perhaps, to tell him how it makes you feel (ie, it's leading away from harmony rather than towards it), and asking him to please stop doing it?

It's not a white lie, is it? It's just a lie.

This.

OP, why do you call it a white lie? Are you trying to defend him?

Why are pps saying that OP is babying her partner? She asked him to walk the dog because he didn't have time, he said yes, and then didn't, but said he had.

I don't see the babying, but perhaps I missed something?

@Eckhart

Why are pps saying that OP is babying her partner? She asked him to walk the dog because he didn't have time, he said yes, and then didn't, but said he had.

I don't see the babying, but perhaps I missed something?

Perhaps the questioning of whether or not it had been done?

If I asked my husband to do something as important as walk the dog, it wouldn't occur to me that he wouldn't do it tbh.

So if I asked if they'd had a nice walk or where had they been it would be just conversation rather tan checking up/accusing.

PPs are right that this is not about the dog - though the dog and its needs are important, of course.

OP and her DH have a fundamental difference in attitudes to the truth and that really matters. DH has been raised with rather a casual attitude to honesty in small things - perhaps large ones, too, for all we know - and OP has a healthy relationship with truth.

My DH was the same - stupid, pointless little lies that were bound to come out! I just didn't get it. It turned out, when we really had a D&M about it at a calm time, that he lied for an easy life in the short term. He lied to avoid negative responses, he lied to end a conversation he couldn't be bothered with, he lied to avoid engaging with me. This was not going anywhere good!

I had always told him how much I valued the truth and that I would much rather he were straight with me, that I wouldn't be angry with him for being honest. He eventually explained that he simply didn't believe me. He thought it was just fine words. In other words, he was judging me by himself.

So I explained that his flimsy lies were really damaging my respect and trust for him and harming our relationship. I asked him how I was supposed to believe anything he ever said. If he would tell small, unimportant lies that would easily come to light later, how did I know he was telling the truth about really big things that wouldn't?

I tried to convince him that the benefits - to him - of routinely telling me the truth instead of habitually lying outweighed any disadvantages. We all like to be respected and believed and he just wasn't getting that from me. I'd like to say he was a changed man from that moment, bit of course that wasn't the case. He did understand that I meant what I said, though, and that it mattered to me and since he loves me, he makes the effort. He certainly got to the point where he could accept that I had my own set of values that were different from his and I wasn't an internal clone of him pretending to be different! I do think a lot of people think everyone else is just like them on the inside, so it was high time he realised that isn't true.

It has to be worth having that conversation with your DH! And when he does tell you a truth you aren't thrilled to hear, remember he's taking a risk, taking you at your word and trying to change, so be sure to acknowledge the honesty before you respond to the issue.

There is no hysteria in OP's posts. Where have you got that from?

Who said there was? Certainly not the person who said there was a lot of hysteria, who was clearly not responding to the OP.

That's not a white lie (I hate the term anyway) but a deliberate untruth.
I'd be upset too and wonder what else he would lie about, not to mention his lack of responsibility and care for the dog.

PPs are right that this is not about the dog - though the dog and its needs are important, of course.

But it IS about the dog. How many times has she been told the poor thing has been walked when it hasn't?

@WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo

He probably lied because even on here you're managing to come across as hysterical.......chill the hell out. And he probably won't feel the need to lie. 💁🏻‍♀️

Not very pleasant.

@andtheHossyourodeinon

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo

He probably lied because even on here you're managing to come across as hysterical.......chill the hell out. And he probably won't feel the need to lie

I was responding to this comment, which does plainly accuse OP of hysteria.

the dynamic in your relationship where you give instruction and then ask if he has followed your instruction

But the OP didn't give an instruction. She asked him to do it and he said yes. If there were so many good reasons why he may not have done it, why didn't he say? The OP's request wasn't unreasonable - presumably it's their dog, not just hers.

@NewlyGranny maybe I need to have a D&M along those lines, I can really identify with your points