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Original poster

To really be angry/upset by DH white lie

118 replies

Plantyplantasaurus · 24/11/2020 11:07

I had an appointment at the time I usually walk the dog and asked him to take instead while I was out, said yes. I come back and dog is still in house and is perfectly clean and dry. Where we live and with recent weather there is nowhere to walk where coming home clean and dry is remotely possible.

Asked if he had actually taken dog, to which he said yes and started getting arsey that I am questioning him. I said I think you are lying. Took the dog and am now even more 100% certain they hadn’t been for various reasons.

I know it’s not a huge deal although disrespectful and annoying, he probably just couldn’t be arsed and I was back earlier than expected...but I really hate lying, he knows this, it really eats away at trust for me as I have had some pretty monumental lie situations in previous relationships. This isn’t the first time he’s told a little lie to smooth things over for himself or avoid a conflict (he really hates conflict, like I really hate lying).

I’ve left it for now as I’m busy but how would you approach this? It is going to wind me up all day I think!

Anyone who is about to shout LTB please don’t as our relationship is good, we are happy and he is not a generally awful person. Doesn’t mean I want to let it slide, just to react proportionately.

OP posts:
vanillandhoney · 24/11/2020 20:34

[quote Plantyplantasaurus]@vanillandhoney because they would need to go to the toilet Hmm[/quote]
Yes, but surely your dog will let you know if he/she needs to go out? Or would your DH just let them go on the floor?

My dog will tell me if he needs to go out. If he asks to go, he'll get let out. Surely that's normal?

Cherrysoup · 24/11/2020 20:36

Not a white lie, a plain lie. Saying that, my dh does actually towel dry then blow dry our two otherwise they’d be confined to the kitchen rather than with us in the lounge. Spoilt mutts!

vanillandhoney · 24/11/2020 20:44

Thinking about it, it sounds like you just don't trust your DH to look after the dog properly.

If I asked my DH to take the dog out, I would just let him get on with it in his own time. Whether he took him out at 9am or 11am or 3pm would be entirely his choice. The dog would say if he wanted to go to the toilet or if he needed to go for a walk, and I trust him to pay attention and look after the dogs' needs without checking up on him.

Can he not be trusted to make his own decisions about timing and walking the dog?

BlueThistles · 24/11/2020 21:34

Yes, but surely your dog will let you know if he/she needs to go out?

and surely the Dogs daily routine matters as much to its bladder and bowel movements ? without it having to 'make it known he is desperate' .... how sad you don't share the same affections for your Dog as OP does 🌺

Eckhart · 24/11/2020 21:41

Can he not be trusted to make his own decisions about timing and walking the dog

Missing the point. He told OP he'd done it when he hadn't. If he was yet to do it, he shouldn't have said he'd done it.

vanillandhoney · 24/11/2020 21:44

@BlueThistles

Yes, but surely your dog will let you know if he/she needs to go out?

and surely the Dogs daily routine matters as much to its bladder and bowel movements ? without it having to 'make it known he is desperate' .... how sad you don't share the same affections for your Dog as OP does 🌺

On the contrary, I don't believe a set routine with absolutely no space for flexibility is good for dogs. They are more than capable of letting us know they need the toilet and I'm sure OP's husband would take the dog out if the dog asked to go.

No two days in my house are the same, so having a routine of "Fido needs to go to the toilet/for a walk at 11am each day" would be completely pointless. At 11am, he could be doing any number of different things - sleeping, walking, travelling in the car, at work with me, at my in-laws house, at the beach, the vets...

I also trust my husband to look after our dogs' interests and wouldn't dream of micro-managing him to the point of telling that he has to take the dog for a walk at a certain time!

vanillandhoney · 24/11/2020 21:47

@Eckhart

Can he not be trusted to make his own decisions about timing and walking the dog

Missing the point. He told OP he'd done it when he hadn't. If he was yet to do it, he shouldn't have said he'd done it.

I don't think I am missing the point.

OP said in her post at 18:52 that she'd have been annoyed if he'd said that. Maybe he thought it was easier to lie than face getting moaned at because he can't be trusted to do things on his own.

If I was going out around the time the dog needed walking, I wouldn't even think to tell him to walk the dog, let alone tell him it had to be done at a certain time. He's a responsible adult and more than capable of taking the dog out without my interference.

BlueThistles · 24/11/2020 23:22

I also trust my husband to look after our dogs' interests

well there's the issue right there... and unless your both married to the same man.... then OP cannot trust her Husband to look after THEIR dogs best interests..

vanillandhoney · 25/11/2020 06:51

@BlueThistles

I also trust my husband to look after our dogs' interests

well there's the issue right there... and unless your both married to the same man.... then OP cannot trust her Husband to look after THEIR dogs best interests..

That's pretty much my point, though.

This isn't about the dog getting walked (or not getting walked) it's the fact that OP doesn't trust her husband. If she did, she wouldn't have had to question him over what happened - she'd trust he knew the dog would need a walk and that he would take him when he was ready.

Whether the lack of trust is because he lies, or whether he lies to avoid an argument is something only they know the answer to.

NewlyGranny · 25/11/2020 07:07

I think the point is that when someone habitually lies to you about little things, you just can't believe anything they tell you, big or little, can you?

The problem isn't with the person being lied to and it's ridiculous to suggest they should suppress all their prior knowledge every time they're told something and take the liar's word as truth. That demands living in an alternative reality or a state of constant cognitive dissonance.

The dog incident, though significant, especially to the dog, is just one facet of the whole situation. Blaming the person being lied to because the liar might be afraid of their reaction to the truth is pretty convoluted and starts to look like a version of the "of course women are really to blame for everything men do" school of thought.

I don't buy it.

NewlyGranny · 25/11/2020 07:47

How can you scold someone for lack of automatic trust in someone who has shown over and over that they are not actually trustworthy?

"You should trust your spouse." No. You should be ABLE to trust your spouse.

NoSquirrels · 25/11/2020 07:56

I'm sure OP's husband would take the dog out if the dog asked to go.

As you don’t know him, or the OP, or the dog, this seems a bit of a strange statement, vanillla. For instance, my dog doesn’t have a set ‘routine’ either, but I know many dogs do. It’s a perfectly choice. My dog mostly won’t relieve herself in the garden and would rather hang on until absolutely desperate- and as she has a bladder and bowels of steel, it’s really bad to leave it until she asks, because she isn’t a fussy, demanding sort of dog. All dogs - and husbands - are different.

OP, I think NewlyGranny has great advice and I relate to that too with my DH. And I’d be mad about the dog, as you asked him and he agreed, so the least he could do was say ‘oh I’m so sorry, time ran away with me and I didn’t manage to.’ Sometimes posters on here jump to blame bad dynamics where you’re ‘treating him like a child’ but if someone acts like a child then ... Confused

NoSquirrels · 25/11/2020 08:05

Whether the lack of trust is because he lies, or whether he lies to avoid an argument is something only they know the answer to.

Lying ‘to avoid an argument’ is still lying, and if he’d not wanted to be in a situation where he might ‘get in trouble’ like a child for not doing something, he should’ve said up front he wouldn’t be walking the dog. I really don’t get how you can possibly say the OP is to blame for asking her husband to do something. Don’t you ever ask your husband anything at all? Blimey, elsewhere on MN people are quick to the ‘he’s not a mind reader, you need to tell him what you expect/want/need’ and yet if you are explicit you’re also wrong.

Eckhart · 25/11/2020 08:30

Lying ‘to avoid an argument’ is still lying

Exactly. If he feels OP is nagging or causing arguments or getting upset with him too often... Well, if he started a thread asking what he should do, how many of you would say 'You should just lie to her, for a quiet life.'?

If he lies regularly, I'm not surprised OP is starting to get fed up and narky with him. That's what happens when someone regularly treats you like you were born yesterday.

billy1966 · 25/11/2020 09:27

Whatever the reason, lying is lying.

I think it really damages the relationships of people who value trust as a fundamental of a relationship.

I have come across a few people who lied in the work environment and I completely wrote them off as people.

I couldn't be bother with with them because it tells me so much about a person.

Someone who lies to get out of something or to cover their arse is not a trustworthy person.

They are not someone I could rely on.

A white lie is IMO, a lie when you can't be arsed to tell the truth. You are asked in a restaurant was everything ok and did you enjoy the meal? You answer yes because you can't be bothered getting into it with them that the meal was a bit meh. That's a white lie.

BlueThistles · 25/11/2020 09:56

white lies...

if anyone lied to me about the care of my dog.... then I consider that way more than a white lie.. its cruelty

ProfessionalWeirdo · 25/11/2020 15:36

A white lie is IMO, a lie when you can't be arsed to tell the truth. You are asked in a restaurant was everything ok and did you enjoy the meal? You answer yes because you can't be bothered getting into it with them that the meal was a bit meh. That's a white lie.

No, that isn't a white lie. A white lie is a lie you tell when to tell the truth would be hurtful. Not the same thing at all, I'm afraid.

Daphnise · 25/11/2020 16:09

It's quite probable he is lying quite regularly about anything that may lead to unpleasantness or confrontation, or even just to have an easy life.

So you would have to adjust your expectations or prepare to be driven totally mad by his lies.

In the end you'll only believe about 30% of what he says- which is likely to be the same % of times he is actually telling the truth.

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