To really be angry/upset by DH white lie

[Plantyplantasaurus]

I had an appointment at the time I usually walk the dog and asked him to take instead while I was out, said yes. I come back and dog is still in house and is perfectly clean and dry. Where we live and with recent weather there is nowhere to walk where coming home clean and dry is remotely possible.

Asked if he had actually taken dog, to which he said yes and started getting arsey that I am questioning him. I said I think you are lying. Took the dog and am now even more 100% certain they hadn’t been for various reasons.

I know it’s not a huge deal although disrespectful and annoying, he probably just couldn’t be arsed and I was back earlier than expected...but I really hate lying, he knows this, it really eats away at trust for me as I have had some pretty monumental lie situations in previous relationships. This isn’t the first time he’s told a little lie to smooth things over for himself or avoid a conflict (he really hates conflict, like I really hate lying).

I’ve left it for now as I’m busy but how would you approach this? It is going to wind me up all day I think!

Anyone who is about to shout LTB please don’t as our relationship is good, we are happy and he is not a generally awful person. Doesn’t mean I want to let it slide, just to react proportionately.

I don't know.
Even though you know that he's lied, you've no actual definitive proof so if he digs his heels in, you've no way of ending the discussion without him admitting it. Only you know your husband and whether if you confront him, he's likely to say "OK, you got me, I'm sorry, it was because..."

Alternatively, If he doesn't have form for it, I'd let it go and assume he was feeling guilty or embarrassed that he hadn't taken the dog out and hoped you wouldn't notice.

I might not be able to resist a sarky comment to the dog about being so lucky to have ALL these walks today and see if he laughs

Lies corrode love.

@Smallsteps88

Is it too late to say “don’t have children with him”?

Because the dog= baby. He’s lazy with the dog...

Now now, I'm sure he'd take the baby out for a wee and a walk round the block if it needed it.

Or at least open the back door!

Tell him how you feel. If it festers it'll get worse. If he continues the lie, it should get worse, if he knows he's upsetting you, and persists.

He might just say 'I'm sorry, I thought I'd get away with that, I won't do it again', and then you'll feel better.

Just stay calm in the discussion. Don't make a drama about it. Have a conversation about it.

Are you really getting worked up over not walking the dog?

I suppose I think you could have said 'oh I see you haven't had a chance to walk the dog yet', as that's an observational statement he could agree with calmly. One of you could then have said 'I'll take him now, shall I?'. No blame or lying required.

So I do understand your annoyance. Lying is terrible and is usually far, far bigger than the thing being lied about.

But there are ways of avoiding conflict by not setting conversation up in ways that create it.

@GalaxyCookieCrumble

Are you really getting worked up over not walking the dog?

No, she’s very clearly explained why she is worked up.

This isn’t the first time he’s told a little lie to smooth things over for himself or avoid a conflict (he really hates conflict, like I really hate lying).

This isn't the first time, so it's not such a molehill. How often does he do it?

And I don't buy he hates conflict. What it means is he won't accept being in the wrong, whether it's over something small like this or something bigger. The lie is in the hope (expectation?) that you'll just swallow it and go away, and he doesn't have to accept any consequences.

But there are ways of avoiding conflict by not setting conversation up in ways that create it

Yes but this shouldn't have to be the norm. Only something you'd have to do if you knew you were talking to a liar. Shame if you have to be doing that with your spouse.

And I don't buy he hates conflict

Same here. I would assume he doesn't like to admit he's wrong and/or he doesn't like dealing with OPs feelings if they contradict his own.

What kind of walk did he claim to have taken the dog on? A five minute leg stretch staying on the lead whilst sticking to streets could mean the dog is still clean and dry afterwards. Not my idea of a walk though!

It's not a white lie, is it? It's just a lie. I would be very annoyed too.

I mean, it's slightly annoying that he lied but it's not worth getting riled up over imo. Maybe he couldn't be bothered? Maybe he thought the dog didn't need a walk? Maybe he was going to do it later?

If you'd come home and he'd said "no, I couldn't be bothered with the weather how it is" (for example) would you have been furious with that answer too?

I think the other point of making a neutral, factual observation e.g. 'I see you haven't walked him yet', rather than an accusation, is that it keeps the power in your hands. The sword of truth is yours!!

An accusation immediately becomes a plea, for a satisfactory response. It usually won't generate one, so leaves the accusor feeling angry and frustrated.

I do agree that this isn't a white lie, because it's not harmless. It matters to the dog.

I mean, it's slightly annoying that he lied but it's not worth getting riled up over imo. Maybe he couldn't be bothered? Maybe he thought the dog didn't need a walk? Maybe he was going to do it later

But if these all seemed quite feasible to him, then why didn't he just say? Why feel compelled to deceive?

The lie would bother me, but also the welfare of the dog. Not that missing one walk is cruel, but if he'd rather lie than make sure the dog gets its usual toileting opportunity, that's not demonstrative of a caring set of priorities.

If he does this kind of thing regularly OP, and you suspect he's lying, can you ask more questions? 'Where did you get to on your walk with the dog? How did he stay so clean and dry, have you found a new route? I suppose I don't need to take him out, now, then? That's great...'

If he'll string you along with a whole fictitious story when you know he's not telling the truth, that would draw the line between whether he really is just telling you the odd white lie or is capable of fully bsing you.

@GalaxyCookieCrumble

Are you really getting worked up over not walking the dog?

Well I would do.

Dogs need looking after!

It doesn't necessarily avoid conflict does it though Op as you are now worked up & want to speak to him about it.

What would have happened if when you had got in he had said that he hadn't got around to it yet?

Your problem isn't him lying about not walking the dog (or whatever other reason when he lies), the problem is the dynamic in your relationship where you give instruction and then ask if he has followed your instruction. If he hasn't he has a choice, admit it and get into trouble, or lie and it is 50/50 if he gets away with it or gets into trouble.

It sounds like your dynamic is you are the one that needs to think the dog needs walked, work out the solution, implement that solution (give instruction) and then check after your instruction is followed through o you can fix it if it hasn't. It is more a parent/child relationship that that of equal partners. The dynamic of a relationship is the responsibility of both partners and you personally should think too why you have had this similar issue in previous relationships.

It is not as easy to fix as telling him (another parental instruction) that he shouldn't lie. Maybe think about professional relationship counselling to work through the relationship dynamics, not just the lying, as they won't change themselves.

Yes it’s indicative of his care of the dog, and I don’t have any time for people who would lie about taking the dog out. It’s not fair on the dog and it’s taking the other person for a mug. Neither of which are acceptable

@Eckhart

I mean, it's slightly annoying that he lied but it's not worth getting riled up over imo. Maybe he couldn't be bothered? Maybe he thought the dog didn't need a walk? Maybe he was going to do it later

But if these all seemed quite feasible to him, then why didn't he just say? Why feel compelled to deceive?

The lie would bother me, but also the welfare of the dog. Not that missing one walk is cruel, but if he'd rather lie than make sure the dog gets its usual toileting opportunity, that's not demonstrative of a caring set of priorities.

I'm just wondering what OP's reaction would be, that's all.

I think they're all perfectly good reasons for not walking the dog, but other people clearly don't think they're good reasons and would be really angry if the dog wasn't taken out as per their instructions.

He probably lied because even on here you're managing to come across as hysterical.......chill the hell out. And he probably won't feel the need to lie. 💁🏻‍♀️

Bit mean of him not to take the dog out if it needed to go out. This would bother me a lot more than being white lied to tbh.

Yep, I'd be more bothered about the poor dog

Be honest OP, would you have had a good old moan/whinge at him if he had said he hadn't taken the dog out or done a passive aggressive 'fine I'll do it then'?

@WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo

He probably lied because even on here you're managing to come across as hysterical.......chill the hell out. And he probably won't feel the need to lie. 💁🏻‍♀️

I’m pretty sure Jesus wouldn’t have called her hysterical! Not least because she isn’t.