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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he never wanted to marry me?

111 replies

Changedforaquickquestion · 24/11/2020 09:13

Let me preface this to say, I’m not bothered by getting married, I’ve been married, it didn’t work out. I would have got married for him, but I don’t have a burning desire.

But my boyfriend had been keen since we met. Often asks me in passionate moments, talks about it rationally, has said he would love me to be his wife, what a proposal would be like etc.

My divorce went through this week and all of a sudden he’s had a change of heart. He said last night, ‘I’d love to be married to you, but it probably isn’t worth spending thousands on a ring or a massive wedding’ - I nodded along, but it was a massive shock as it was such a change of heart.

Where did that come from? He doesn’t want to marry me, and probably never did, did he? Sad

YABU - he did/does still want to marry me
YANBU- he clearly doesn’t and never did want to marry me.

OP posts:
WitsEnding · 24/11/2020 09:17

Sounds entirely sensible to me - it doesn’t make sense and you hav3 the perfect excuse to have a small quick wedding.

specialcase · 24/11/2020 09:17

Why would he tell you now he wants to marry you if he’s planning a huge amazing proposal?

Obviously either way he will pretend he’s got cold feet but I very much doubt any man planning a proposal would tell you it’s on the cards. Not exactly going to be a surprise is it?

Ohalrightthen · 24/11/2020 09:18

@specialcase

Why would he tell you now he wants to marry you if he’s planning a huge amazing proposal?

Obviously either way he will pretend he’s got cold feet but I very much doubt any man planning a proposal would tell you it’s on the cards. Not exactly going to be a surprise is it?

...a proposal should never be a surprise!
WitchWife · 24/11/2020 09:19

That’s not saying he doesn’t want to get married is it? It’s saying he wants it to be low key and testing what you think about it?

HopeAndDriftWood · 24/11/2020 09:22

He’s reviewing what he actually wants now that it’s more than a pipe dream. It sounds like he does want to marry you, but he wants a smaller wedding. Is that okay with you? Have your previous chats been implying it would be a big affair, with an expensive ring and all the trimmings, and now you feel like he’s downsizing it?

I don’t really see this as a problem unless you feel he’s been selling you a dream that he never intended to go through with.

BeesAnkles · 24/11/2020 09:24

Could it be as simple as he does want to marry you but doesn't want to spend a fortune?

yelyah22 · 24/11/2020 09:26

It sounds like he means he wants something low key, to me?

CandlesBlanketsandTea · 24/11/2020 09:26

Can you ask him what has prompted this?

Porcupineinwaiting · 24/11/2020 09:29

Do you only want to get married if there is an expensive ring and a big do involved? If youd be happy with a small wedding say that. And then you'll know.

MaskingForIt · 24/11/2020 09:34

He probably doesn’t want to marry you, but you can find out by asking him how he feels about a small register office do, and affordable wedding bands. You don’t need an expensive engagement ring.

Original poster
Changedforaquickquestion · 24/11/2020 09:35

So I haven’t at all implied that I want a big wedding or a huge engagement ring, but thinking about it, my previous engagement ring was large (and from Tiffany & Co Blush), perhaps that makes him thing he’d need to match it all? I just can’t believe the change of heart, I nodded through the whole conversation as I don’t want him to feel that he has to marry me if he doesn’t want to Grin

OP posts:
Porcupineinwaiting · 24/11/2020 09:37

...but if you think you might like to get married then it's worth a conversation yes?

Sunshine1235 · 24/11/2020 09:40

Could he just be trying to throw you off before actually proposing?

(Although clearly he’s never seen how well that went in Friends)

ScotchBunnet · 24/11/2020 09:40

It doesn’t sound like he’s opposed to marriage - just a big, expensive wedding. The marriage and the wedding are two different things!

I do understand though why it feels odd to be discussing the cost / size of a potential wedding when you aren’t even engaged, but maybe he feels he’s over-promised and needs to reset expectations.

andfurtively · 24/11/2020 09:41

How long are you together? What joint commitments do you have? Kids together? A mortgage?
We might need a bit more context before commenting.
But in saying that, you need to be honest with him, and not just nod and accept things. If you want to get married you need to tell him

Hwory · 24/11/2020 09:41

Well it's an easy one to solve. Have a conversation with him. Tell him yes you agree you don't want to spend thousands on a ring and party. That you would rather do a low key registry office day with your closest.

What he does after that will show you.

PoppyOppy · 24/11/2020 09:45

He said last night, ‘I’d love to be married to you, but it probably isn’t worth spending thousands on a ring or a massive wedding’ - I nodded along

And then you said...?

It could have been along the lines of ”we can now think about our cosy wedding, because it's not about the party it's the marriage”

zigaziga · 24/11/2020 09:46

This is what my DH and I both thought, which is why we had a tiny wedding and didn’t do the whole engagement thing.

I think you need to clarify what he means. If you’re in a solid, long term enough relationship to be considering getting married then you should be able to have a conversation. Is he saying no huge wedding or no wedding whatsoever? If the second, what are your plans as a couple?

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 24/11/2020 09:47

Tbh I find interactions like this baffling. I've nothing against the concept of a proposal, but it just seems bizarre how much dancing around and bluffing goes on with them. It's fair enough for him to say that he doesn't think an expensive wedding is a good idea, but the fact that this didn't lead to a straight conversation about what he means, does he want to get married, do you even want that etc, is so bizarre to me. It doesn't sounds from your post like you even want to get married at all, and at worst you actually seem to view it as something that happens to you, not with you. Like he might ask, he might not, but your role in the decision is limited to nodding and smiling and hinting and waiting etc. Sounds to me like you could do with having an honest conversation with yourself about what you want, whether you are an active participant and have an equal voice in your own relationship, whether the communication between you is good enough etc. I know that I wouldn't be happy in a relationship where I felt I couldn't have any input on such an important decision and just had to nod and smile and not ask questions.

Original poster
Changedforaquickquestion · 24/11/2020 09:47

I’m genuinely not bothered at all with getting married. We have a house together, the DC are mine, he’s great with them. I have quite a lot of money which would be protected by not marrying him (I’d have a will if we did of course), and we both have healthy salaries. His pension is much, much better than mine. So actual life context, marriage probably isn’t the best option for either of us Grin

I’m happy to live together without marriage, him not wanting to is fine, it’s just the sudden change of heart now that it really is, for the first time, an option. It had really thrown me.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 24/11/2020 09:52

Either he has got cold feet about the idea since it became a real possibility due to your divorce.

Or he’s doing a very weak bluff and has bought a fancy engagement ring and is planning a Christmas proposal under the tree.

I would have to ask him what has changed his mind but I’d be asking curiously rather than emotionally.

SleepingStandingUp · 24/11/2020 09:55

Well does that mean let's do it but we don't need to spend 35k or let's not do it?
And if he'd asked you to marry him during sex then surely at the point you answer "yes yes yes oh god yes" you became engaged?

2bazookas · 24/11/2020 09:57

He has a very shallow immature understanding of marriage ; he thinks its all about The Proposal, The Ring, The Wedding. What nonsense.

I'd say you've had a lucky escape from a second bad husband. He'd probably be equally useless as a dad so best to stay free and move on.

zigaziga · 24/11/2020 09:59

But are you sure he’s changed his mind??
He said last night, ‘I’d love to be married to you
Talk to him!!!

CakeRequired · 24/11/2020 09:59

Could he just be trying to throw you off before actually proposing?

(Although clearly he’s never seen how well that went in Friends)

I've voted yanbu, because that's how it's coming across, that he doesn't actually want to and it was a nice fantasy while he legally couldn't marry you.

But the above could be true too, he's mentioned it so much that it's no longer a surprise. Maybe he does want to throw you off the scent.

What did you say to all of this though, or did you literally just sit there nodding? I don't get why people don't say something in the actual moment, like asking him why he's changed his mind.