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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he never wanted to marry me?

111 replies

Changedforaquickquestion · 24/11/2020 09:13

Let me preface this to say, I’m not bothered by getting married, I’ve been married, it didn’t work out. I would have got married for him, but I don’t have a burning desire.

But my boyfriend had been keen since we met. Often asks me in passionate moments, talks about it rationally, has said he would love me to be his wife, what a proposal would be like etc.

My divorce went through this week and all of a sudden he’s had a change of heart. He said last night, ‘I’d love to be married to you, but it probably isn’t worth spending thousands on a ring or a massive wedding’ - I nodded along, but it was a massive shock as it was such a change of heart.

Where did that come from? He doesn’t want to marry me, and probably never did, did he? Sad

YABU - he did/does still want to marry me
YANBU- he clearly doesn’t and never did want to marry me.

OP posts:
ThatsMeChickenArm · 24/11/2020 12:05

I think in your shoes I would go quiet too.

It depends on the context and your gut feeling. I think I would leave it and not talk to him and just see what my spidery senses tell me over the next few weeks and months but yes, it is hurtful if you feel like now it's actual possible he is rowing back from it.

Think carefully about marriage of you stand to lose more than you gain though. Don't put all your savings into a house or something that he then gets half of in a later split for example. You might be better to agree with him if he raises it again and leave it at that. Over things like this it's best to trust your gut above all ther things.

SimonJT · 24/11/2020 12:05

Why didn’t you just ask?

We’re getting married in April, I’d rather just go down the registration office with the minimum number of people allowed and my little boy and just get it done. He would rather have something a bit bigger with a few guests and a little party after.

We’ve compromised, but he has mainly ‘won’. We don’t see the point in a proposal etc, so a ring I own (from a previous engagement) will become my wedding ring and we have ordered him an identical one. There have been lots of conversations about when, where, what etc.

Even if he did say “lets get married in June” you would still needs lots of honest conversations about what you both want out of the day to come to a compromise. You also need to have conversations about what you want out of the marriage, as that is of course more important than the wedding day.

LilyLongJohn · 24/11/2020 12:13

I think the next time he brings it's up, simply tell him you're fed up with him talking about it all the time and changing his mind. You don't want to talk about it unless it's a proposal.

Cheeseandwin5 · 24/11/2020 12:15

@OwlOne
Id be annoyed that he thought i wanted nothing more than to believe i wanted to get married. You deserve more than being "played" even if getting married isnt important to you.

But who is getting played here. The OP has let him talk about marriage without seemingly contributing nothing about how she feels on it.
He is allowed to have a change of heart especially if he thinks both are happy as their are.
It seems to me that the OP is the one playing her DH and definitely judging him without giving him the tools to make a different decision.
For me the OP is not ready for this relationship and is looking at ways to sabotage it

liveitwell · 24/11/2020 12:17

How would anyone but your partner know what he's thinking?

Times have changed. Maybe he's concerned about planning for a longer life with you now you're divorced. Marriages are fine but weddings are expensive and often end anyway. Maybe he's realised the money would be better spent on joint investments/fun?

You've only just got divorced. Enjoy your relationship for what it is. I wonder why you're both a bit obsessed about marriage? I've been with my partner 14 years and we hardly ever talk about it despite being engaged. We just don't feel we need it or to talk it about it so much. We're just as committed as we would be if married.

TheNoodlesIncident · 24/11/2020 13:12

"I don’t actually mind that he doesn’t want to get married"

But he hasn't said he doesn't! You're just assuming that, either based on something you haven't mentioned or not based on anything. Is it that you are having second thoughts yourself but you'd rather dress it up to yourself as "oh he's changed his mind"?

If you want to know how he feels about it, ask him. If you're content to let it lie for just now - as you don't seem distressed by it - then do that, and discuss it sensibly next time he brings it up, instead of nodding away like Churchill!

MoreLikeThis · 24/11/2020 13:24

It must be difficult being in a relationship where you can’t talk to each other easily. It all sounds so vague and wishy washy.

Original poster
Changedforaquickquestion · 24/11/2020 13:32

I’ve had a huge delivery of flowers this afternoon, so he either feels guilty about last night or I was unnecessarily dramatic in my interpretation of our conversation last night. Either way, I’ve decided to forget about it and move on. Thank you to everyone who shared their thoughts, I was feeling extremely discombobulated this morning.

OP posts:
Cheeseandwin5 · 24/11/2020 13:55

Wow - so he feels bad that he has upset you and gets flowers and your response ' is to forget about it and move on'??
How about apologising to him??
Maybe, I dont know using this as an opportunity to open this up, so you can have a conversation and talk about your feelings and listen to his.

The more I think about it, the more unhealthy this all seems to be.

frazzledasarock · 24/11/2020 14:06

@Cheeseandwin5

Wow - so he feels bad that he has upset you and gets flowers and your response ' is to forget about it and move on'?? How about apologising to him?? Maybe, I dont know using this as an opportunity to open this up, so you can have a conversation and talk about your feelings and listen to his.

The more I think about it, the more unhealthy this all seems to be.

what is she meant to apologise for?

Her boyfriend has made grand romantic plans of being and wanting to marry her, she's nodded along.

Her boyfriend announced he didn't want to a big marriage/marriage, this bit isn't entirely clear, and she nodded along.

Privately OP was hurt at the sudden change of heart on her boyfriends part, she's talked it through here, and he's sent her flowers.

What is she meant to apologise for? She didn't object or argue with her boyfriend, neither did he with her.

Maybe he just wanted to send her a huge flower bouquet as he seems to be into big overt gestures of affection.

If OP wants to forget about it as she is in a financially secure position and the children are hers and she wants them to inherit then really she's better off not marrying. OP if you marry in the event of a divorce regardless of your will you're husband could end up walking away with half of everything. Also your will pre-marriage is rendered void after marriage, unless you draw up a will stating your intentions of getting married.

I'd get proper legal advice on inheritance and assets if you do plan on marrying

VeniceQueen2004 · 24/11/2020 14:14

Nothing some (twat) men hate more than a woman who isn't fussed about marriage. Takes all their power away.

ViciousJackdaw · 24/11/2020 14:24

it probably isn’t worth spending thousands on a ring or a massive wedding

Spot on. It really isn't and especially not now when life is so precarious. Perhaps he feels he has to 'outdo' your ex in some way, you know what men can be like. My own wedding cost about £250 in total. No rings (DH is a joiner and I've got hand problems),registry office and dress from Debenhams. Doesn't make it any less legal or meaningful.

I’d love to be married to you

There you go...

MacbookHo · 24/11/2020 14:52

I’m so confused.

BF has always been open about wanting to get married. You get divorced. He then says he’d love to get married, would rather have an inexpensive wedding. You nod. He then asks you what your DC would prefer, and you say nothing. Then he sends you flowers.

Eh??

Original poster
Changedforaquickquestion · 24/11/2020 15:04

Sorry to clarify, he talked about what a waste of money a large wedding, big ring etc would be, and that marriage isn’t really that important/ doesn’t change anything. Then he said about it being important to the DC possibly. He was definitely, definitely backtracking Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Changedforaquickquestion · 24/11/2020 15:13

But I do love the flowers, and I don’t disagree with his views on marriage. I was just confused by his sudden change in outlook Smile

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 24/11/2020 15:14

Omg, he literally said he’d love to be married to you. That’s what you should want, it’s far more romantic to actually talk about this stuff openly and honestly than one person making all the decisions and the god awful surprise proposal crap.

You’re being weird. Do not just let it go. Why are you saying that? He’s trying to have a grown up dialogue with the woman he’s told he wants to be married to. He has no reason to feel bad or apologise while you could do him the courtesy of treating him like an adult and a serious partner. However, if the man you love outright telling you he wants to marry makes you retreat into your thoughts Hmm I’m not sure you’re ready anyway and you owe it to him and your children to get your head in the right place to talk about things instead of being so bloody passive.

ravenmum · 24/11/2020 15:23

I thought he said that he said the children might want you to have a big wedding?

If he's sending flowers it sounds as if maybe he is able to work out your thought process and understand what your silences mean. Considering the confusion on this thread alone, a man who's that empathetic and understanding sounds perfect for you!

Original poster
Changedforaquickquestion · 24/11/2020 15:50

Not a big one, just that they might want us to be married at some point.

OP posts:
MacbookHo · 24/11/2020 16:53

marriage isn’t really that important/ doesn’t change anything

Oh ok, yes. Yikes! This is similar to the shit that married men spout. There’s nobody more romantic than a man who can’t marry you... until suddenly he can.

MacbookHo · 24/11/2020 16:55

And it makes the flowers SO ANNOYING. What are they meant to signify - “Sorry that I don’t want to marry you”?

MacbookHo · 24/11/2020 16:57

Anyway, financially you really don’t want to marry him. So it’s fine. It’s just really annoying.

Lweji · 24/11/2020 17:19

Talk to the man. Don't try to guess (what he said, the flowers, whatever).

grassisjeweled · 24/11/2020 17:21

Plenty of stealth boasting on here

OMGisthisforreal · 24/11/2020 17:26

It sounded to me more like he was testing the water about asking you to marry him, what sort of wedding you would like and so on, rather than the impression you’ve had of him doing an almost u-turn.

flaviaritt · 24/11/2020 17:32

Probably a hugely unpopular view, but I wouldn’t be keen on marriage with someone who couldn’t be bothered buying a sensible engagement ring. Wouldn’t have to be massive, but it’s the tradition, and I like tradition, so if that didn’t mean enough to him, I wouldn’t believe I meant enough to him.

But it’s hard to tell what’s happening in this case.