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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he never wanted to marry me?

111 replies

Changedforaquickquestion · 24/11/2020 09:13

Let me preface this to say, I’m not bothered by getting married, I’ve been married, it didn’t work out. I would have got married for him, but I don’t have a burning desire.

But my boyfriend had been keen since we met. Often asks me in passionate moments, talks about it rationally, has said he would love me to be his wife, what a proposal would be like etc.

My divorce went through this week and all of a sudden he’s had a change of heart. He said last night, ‘I’d love to be married to you, but it probably isn’t worth spending thousands on a ring or a massive wedding’ - I nodded along, but it was a massive shock as it was such a change of heart.

Where did that come from? He doesn’t want to marry me, and probably never did, did he? Sad

YABU - he did/does still want to marry me
YANBU- he clearly doesn’t and never did want to marry me.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 24/11/2020 10:01

You're not married, and have a house together; he's not the father of your kids. So you most definitely need a Will to protect your childrens financial interest in it.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 24/11/2020 10:02

I think there is a large difference between reality after the divorce and musing hypothetically. Honestly I can understand it and it may well not have been intentional.

My divorce has just come through earlier in the year. Prior to that I vaguely mused as did DP about getting married but it wasn't real for either of us.

Now in my case since the divorce I don't want to get married. However that's honestly just about my circumstances but even if I did (I go back and forth a bit but don't discuss it with DP as it's unfair to vacillate) i do now realise i wouldn't want the reality of a big wedding now. A small sensible one would be far better if i change my mind.

I hope stay did find a big difference between the reality of after the absolute came through and before but in fairness all our conversations were very pie in the sky

I'm not sure its remotely a case of having never really wanted to do it. Just changing life and priorities I would say unless there are other red flags.

UndertheCedartree · 24/11/2020 10:03

But he wasn't saying he didn't want to marry you just he doesn't think it is worth spending thousands - which as a 2nd marriage I assume you agree? It's certainly how I feel.

thepeopleversuswork · 24/11/2020 10:08

It doesn’t sound to me like he has got cold feet or changed his mind! He just doesn’t want to blow loads of money on a fancy wedding! And I am with him on that.

I can’t know for sure but his approach sounds down to earth and sensible to me!

GroundAlmonds · 24/11/2020 10:13

Crikey, talk to each other properly and find out what he meant. All this dancing around each other and guessing what he means sounds exhausting.

movingonup20 · 24/11/2020 10:15

I think what he's saying is he wants a no fuss wedding and not to spend a months salary on a bit of sparkly jewellery for your finger, very sensible. Certainly what I'm thinking for us

DryRoastPeanut · 24/11/2020 10:18

I’d interpret that as him saying he wants a small, cheap wedding. So don’t expect the big dress, reception for 250 ‘close friends and family’ and a banquet with whole hog roast later, fire jugglers and live band.

shitinmyhandsandclap · 24/11/2020 10:19

2bazookas really? He's done fuck all wrong

Katgolde · 24/11/2020 10:22

Nothing wrong with someone saying they'd prefer a smaller wedding, as long as it's a genuine choice rather than for virtue signalling or meanness reasons

But... I think it's odd to say "it isn't worth..." as though something/someone else would be "worth it".

Surely he should propose first, then you discuss the details ?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 24/11/2020 10:23

@WitsEnding

Sounds entirely sensible to me - it doesn’t make sense and you hav3 the perfect excuse to have a small quick wedding.
As above.

It's not the wedding he doesn't want - it's excessive expense.

TeenPlusTwenties · 24/11/2020 10:24

I’d love to be married to you, but it probably isn’t worth spending thousands on a ring or a massive wedding

Sounds to me like he'd love to be married to you but thinks it isn't worth spending thousands on a ring or a massive wedding....

…. so he was waiting for you to say I agree, how about something nice and low key, we can use Covid as an excuse for family if needed.

stschiap · 24/11/2020 10:24

He didn't say he didn't want to marry you.
He said he would love to be married to you but thought it not worth spending thousands on a ring and expensive wedding (and I agree with him). It's a waste of money.
If you love each other and want to be married, then get married but there's no need to have a massive tralala and chuck away money.

I think you should have further discussions with him. Don't know why you just nodded along. Why do people do this? If you're not sure what he meant you should have asked for clarification. "So are you saying you don't want to get married at all or you do want to get married but in a simple ceremony?" Then depending on his answer the conversation would progress further. Communicate!

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 24/11/2020 10:28

His actual words were around the financials of an engagement and a wedding, not that he didn't want a marriage. It's hard for us to read into what he said without knowing him and how to the point he normally is. If he is now trying to imply that he doesnt actually want to get married after all then I'd be a bit hurt by the change of heart and why he was banging on about something that he didnt actually mean

MacbookHo · 24/11/2020 10:28

He’s reviewing what he actually wants now that it’s more than a pipe dream.

100% this.

CandlesBlanketsandTea · 24/11/2020 10:35

It doesn't bode well for your relationship that you can't just talk to him. Some people (mostly women) are like passengers in their own lives and let the men in their lives determine the course. Get a grip of the steering wheel and take back control this isn't the eighteen hundreds.

MacbookHo · 24/11/2020 10:37

If he didn’t want to marry you, he’d be silent about it completely. Like the entire concept of marriage had never been invented. If he saw a Tiffany advert on TV he’d look confused, as if he were thinking “What is that twisted lump of metal and mineral?”

unmarkedbythat · 24/11/2020 10:42

TBH I would take that as wanting to be married but not wanting to waste loads of money on a wedding, which would make me very bloody happy indeed.

If you want to marry this man, talk to him!

MGMidget · 24/11/2020 10:43

I think he is saying lets not splash out on a big wedding but lets get married. However, clearly if it was meant to be a proposal it came across as pretty unromantic and low key in your eyes and wasn't to big deal you had hoped for. However, I would probably ask him what he means given what he has said to you previously and last night and have a proper chat about it. If you have lots of money from your divorce and wish to protect it for your children in case a marriage doesn't work out then you need to get some legal advice on how to protect it in the event of marriage if you are thinking of going ahead.

knittingaddict · 24/11/2020 10:44

The voting is crazy. How are we supposed to know.

I think it the conversation went exactly as you said then you probably shouldn't get married as marriage (and relationships) require good communication.

You said that you nodded along. It seems strange that it was the extent of the conversation. You didn't say "oh no, I wouldn't want to spend £££. Let's have a small wedding". You said nothing? Does only his view matter? What about you?

knittingaddict · 24/11/2020 10:45

Having seen other threads like this on mn, I'm not as sure as others that it's just about the money. If it looks like backtracking then it often is exactly that.

fashu · 24/11/2020 10:46

My initial reaction was he doesn't want you to be expecting a proposal straight away. He might want to start saving up, or he may have actually looked into how much it all costs and realise its a waste of money.

canigooutyet · 24/11/2020 10:49

You just sat and nodded along.
Is there any reason why you didn't think you could speak up?
Seems daft to not jump in and say along the lines of phew me neither.

You sitting nodding along with him, he might now be thinking you do want a big wedding.

TheNoodlesIncident · 24/11/2020 10:50

Some people are very indirect and fluffy in their speech, and if they said this it might well mean they have cold feet and don't want to go ahead and get married after all.

Some people are quite direct and say what they mean, and so "I’d love to be married to you, but it probably isn’t worth spending thousands on a ring or a massive wedding" actually means they do want to marry but not spend a lot of money on unimportant details.

You know your partner, you should have an idea which of those is the truth. Either way, you really should have a talk with him about where on the page you both are.

(If I said this, I would mean that I really did want to marry, but a register office do with smart clothes (rather than meringue dress) and a party/restaurant afterwards would suffice. It would in no way signify that I had changed my mind and didn't want to marry at all.)

Lweji · 24/11/2020 10:51

I'd probably have replied that I agreed and set a date for a small wedding, no need of an engagement ring or anything. Wink

But, seriously, that would be the proof of the pudding.

Unless YOU don't want to get married. In which case, just let it go.

canigooutyet · 24/11/2020 10:52

How the divorce was handled might have given him cold feet, and he started thinking, shit I could be next!

And wills are great if you are still together when you die. Alive, married and seperated, well you know the rest.