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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he never wanted to marry me?

111 replies

Changedforaquickquestion · 24/11/2020 09:13

Let me preface this to say, I’m not bothered by getting married, I’ve been married, it didn’t work out. I would have got married for him, but I don’t have a burning desire.

But my boyfriend had been keen since we met. Often asks me in passionate moments, talks about it rationally, has said he would love me to be his wife, what a proposal would be like etc.

My divorce went through this week and all of a sudden he’s had a change of heart. He said last night, ‘I’d love to be married to you, but it probably isn’t worth spending thousands on a ring or a massive wedding’ - I nodded along, but it was a massive shock as it was such a change of heart.

Where did that come from? He doesn’t want to marry me, and probably never did, did he? Sad

YABU - he did/does still want to marry me
YANBU- he clearly doesn’t and never did want to marry me.

OP posts:
HappyDays10101 · 24/11/2020 10:53

Sounds to me like he was enjoying the fantasy, when your divorce made the reality impossible. Now that it could happen... he's not so keen.

Lweji · 24/11/2020 10:53

Also, for you OP, but also so many people on MN, start using this sentence in such conversations:
"what do you mean?"

Cheeseandwin5 · 24/11/2020 10:55

@2bazookas

Troll alert- looks like someone is trying to get ppl to talk to them by talking rubbish.

Butchyrestingface · 24/11/2020 10:55

I’m happy to live together without marriage, him not wanting to is fine, it’s just the sudden change of heart now that it really is, for the first time, an option. It had really thrown me.

Nothing in what you have quoted him as saying indicates any change of heart. He just doesn't want a big fancy Gypsy wedding, imminently sensible in these heady times, I would have said.

Presumably you do agree that he should have some say in what he's prepared to spunk £££ on?

Tonightstheteriyakichicken · 24/11/2020 11:01

10:24 stschiap said,
Don't know why you just nodded along. Why do people do this? If you're not sure what he meant you should have asked for clarification
^^This.

Original poster
Changedforaquickquestion · 24/11/2020 11:02

All very reasonable comments. I probably should have queried his comment. His next comment was ‘although the DC might want us to, mightn’t they’ again, probably looking for me to actually have a view on his train of thought Blush I was so thrown though that I just retreated into my own thoughts and offered almost no reaction. I definitely, definitely didn’t help the situation.

I think the person that said if I’m actually not that bothered about getting married, I should probably drop it and stop feeling hurt. I think that was good advice. I don’t actually mind that he doesn’t want to get married, I think it just threw me and hurt my feelings (and ego probably) Blush

OP posts:
ravenmum · 24/11/2020 11:03

I also don't understand why you keep calling it a "change of heart". He said he'd love to be married to you, that's what he's said all along. (Bit odd if he really said that "from the start" but that's another question!)

Do you mean that in the past, he was talking about having a huge wedding and now he's changed his tune?

Cheeseandwin5 · 24/11/2020 11:04

I have to say I am a bit bemused by this post/ relationship.

In the middle of a pandemic he has quiet sensible, either delayed it or mooted the idea of having a small wedding.

And you somehow see this as a slight on you and death nail for your relationship.
You have just got divorced, with all the agonies that comes with it, and you dont even want to get remarried and yet amazingly you are now having a go at him!?!?!
How about putting the poor bloke out of his misery and tell him what you think, instead of judging him on things you don't even want.
Honeslty your post sounds crazy to me.

WeAllHaveWings · 24/11/2020 11:05

If YOU think you want to spend the rest of your life with him then ask him straight out.

Is it the wedding rather then the marriage he doesn't want/Does he want to get married and when.

Maybe he doesn't want to now he knows it is possible, maybe he is going off you, maybe it is a bad bluff because he will ask soon.

We have no idea!

Original poster
Changedforaquickquestion · 24/11/2020 11:10

It’s a change of heart in the sense that he takes about it all the time, he talked about practical wedding issues and seemed genuinely keen on the idea. It’s the distance he’s moved SINCE my divorce that has confused me. I’m being ridiculous though, you’re all right. I’m going to let it go and carry on life as though last night never happened and proactively tell him that marriage isn’t at all important to me, because it definitely isn’t. Thinking about it really honestly, I want to be with him always, but I don’t feel any need to be married Grin

OP posts:
ClaireP20 · 24/11/2020 11:10

If you wanted to get married, now is actually the perfect time..

RedskyAtnight · 24/11/2020 11:11

Based on your reaction to his comment, he probably thinks you don't want to get married.

Agree with just about everyone else. You've been married before. You have DC. You know that marriage isn't some wonderful fairytale romance. Just have a conversation about it?

IJustWantSomeBees · 24/11/2020 11:12

I disagree with most here. If someone wants to marry you, they will. It's that simple. I think he thought you wanted him to marry you and so told you how much he wanted to be married too, but now that it is actually an option he has decided not and is trying to justify it by talking about money/effort. Without knowing a whole lot about your situation is think this is subtle future-faking as he led you to believe that marriage was on the horizon when in fact it is not (although this would be a wrong assumption if you have had a clear conversation where you stated that you have no intention to marry him).

You sound sensible and put-together financially though, and if you genuinley don't want to get married I suppose it doesn't really affect anything.

ravenmum · 24/11/2020 11:14

Poor bloke presumably thinks he's told his gf that he'd prefer a small wedding, even though the kids might want a big one, and that his gf agrees with him.

GroundAlmonds · 24/11/2020 11:15

You wally OP. He’s sounding YOU out, and you’re just nodding along.

Have a proper conversation.

Viviennemary · 24/11/2020 11:15

He might have thought he wanted to marry you but now your divorce is final there's nothing standing in the way. So he's backtracking. Or maybe he's not keen on spending lots of money on a big wedding. First is more likely. I'd say he sounds a bit of a pain in the neck all round.

ravenmum · 24/11/2020 11:15

What is this distance he's moved since the divorce? What's the difference? You haven't told us.

Seeingadistance · 24/11/2020 11:16

@RedskyAtnight

Based on your reaction to his comment, he probably thinks you don't want to get married.

Agree with just about everyone else. You've been married before. You have DC. You know that marriage isn't some wonderful fairytale romance. Just have a conversation about it?

This.

And to be honest, given that you are financially secure, already have children, and are financially independent of him, marriage isn’t in your best interests anyway.

Have a conversation with him.

OwlOne · 24/11/2020 11:18

Id be annoyed that he thought i wanted nothing more than to believe i wanted to get married. You deserve more than being "played" even if getting married isnt important to you.

LilyLongJohn · 24/11/2020 11:19

It sounds very much like another thread on here where someone's sister has told her that she'd give her part of an inheritance, up to the point it came to fruition. She wasn't fussed about the money, just that her sister had, in essence, been lying to her for years.

I think sometimes people like to say the right thing when it's not possible. However as soon as it is a reality, that it could happen, the enormity of it becomes real and all of a sudden they realise they don't want it.

It's a very cruel thing to do imo. I class it as leading people on at best, at worst lying to either make themselves appear what they aren't.

As you said op you're not bothered, however it's not right to mislead people

AcornAutumn · 24/11/2020 11:23

@BeesAnkles

Could it be as simple as he does want to marry you but doesn't want to spend a fortune?
Seems possible.
RainingBatsAndFrogs · 24/11/2020 11:31

The change of heart is more important than the marriage.

I presume you have everything sewn up financially and legally - own the house as tenants in common, have wills and POA, life insurance to take care of the kids / mortgage if one of you dies, pension beneficiaries specified, your pension OK and building towards an OK retirement etc?

In which case, marriage not important.

But his commitment to you is. I would talk this through.

But I wouldn't be wanting to go into another marriage anyway, in your shoes.

LindaEllen · 24/11/2020 11:31

Honestly, I'm not being funny, but if you're in a long term relationship with this man and would happily get married to him, you really should be able to talk to him about what he wants, and what he meant by his comment.

Communication breakdown is responsible for so many relationship problems.

You shouldn't be here on Mumsnet thinking 'what does he mean?'

Have an open and honest conversation about how you both feel about marriage, and if you want to do it, how you envisage the day itself.

Then suggest you just go for it. There's no point waiting for him to propose if you've both already decided to get married. Get it booked, get it done, get on with your lives.

That might sound unromantic but I'm not a marriage person so I see it as making your relationship legally official more than anything else.

FiddlefigOnTheRoof · 24/11/2020 11:43

For goodness sake - please just talk openly and clearly with him about this.

haircutsRus · 24/11/2020 12:00

Just talk to him. Tell him how you feel.