To think he never wanted to marry me?

[Changedforaquickquestion]

Let me preface this to say, I’m not bothered by getting married, I’ve been married, it didn’t work out. I would have got married for him, but I don’t have a burning desire.

But my boyfriend had been keen since we met. Often asks me in passionate moments, talks about it rationally, has said he would love me to be his wife, what a proposal would be like etc.

My divorce went through this week and all of a sudden he’s had a change of heart. He said last night, ‘I’d love to be married to you, but it probably isn’t worth spending thousands on a ring or a massive wedding’ - I nodded along, but it was a massive shock as it was such a change of heart.

Where did that come from? He doesn’t want to marry me, and probably never did, did he?

YABU - he did/does still want to marry me
YANBU- he clearly doesn’t and never did want to marry me.

@frazzledasarock

What was he meant to apologies for?? Having a change of heart?

The OP says she feels the flowers were for him being guilty or her over reacting. Don't make up big gestures of affection just to fit your narrative, as the OP would know.
As far as I can see he has don't nothing to feel guilty about so I in my view it must be because he thinks he has upset her.
She allowed him to think that marriage was on the cards when she didn't want to ( I hope she wouldn't have just nodded and gone along with it). She still doesn't want to get married but somehow thinks him not wanting a big party is a rejection of her. It makes no sense.

She has primed herself as the victim here when the OP really isn't.

I am sorry OP I don't want to be critical, but the cause of this situation is you not speaking up. As such the fault lies squarely on your shoulders.
The fact is he probably still thinks you want to get married with a big wedding and you are letting him live with this ignorance and sadly treating him badly and judging him.

Op. You know if you want to get married you should be honest.

For a woman who isn’t fussed, you’re doing a good impression of a woman who really wants to get married,

I’d also say he’s been lying to you. He has led you to believe he wished to marry you and he didn’t even wait a week after your divorce to clarify that wasn’t happening. I mean, he was straight in there

I think that would bother me more.

@Cheeseandwin5 I didn’t think he had anything to apologise for either.

From OP’s description he sounds like a man who’s prone to being OTT about being in love and wanting to get married etc 🤷🏻‍♀️

Both OP & her DP need to properly talk to eachother and say what they want. At this rate their both dancing around eachother and nobody seems to know what’s going on or who wants what.

I do think he needs to apologise.

He’s been going on to thr op about how he wishes to marry her. As soon as her divorce is finalised he rushes in and make it clear he doesn’t wish to. He’s been lying to her all along and he knew it.

[quote frazzledasarock]@Cheeseandwin5 I didn’t think he had anything to apologise for either.

From OP’s description he sounds like a man who’s prone to being OTT about being in love and wanting to get married etc 🤷🏻‍♀️

Both OP & her DP need to properly talk to eachother and say what they want. At this rate their both dancing around eachother and nobody seems to know what’s going on or who wants what.[/quote]
He sounds like a future faker, not remotely like being OTT about love. It's very damaging in any relationship.

Hello everyone, OP here. I’ve had time to reflect now and I think that the reality of the situation did, indeed cause him to review his thoughts, as some of you suggested. I don’t think it was a case of future-faking, but rather his pre-divorce thoughts were a bit of a fantasy. He is a lovely person, he’s open and I know he loves me, so I think he probably wanted to share with me in a sensitive way that his thoughts had changed as soon as he realised (the timing was definitely unfortunate ). I didn’t challenge his musings or clarify, which is definitely on me, and you’re right that I could’ve and perhaps should have done that, but in reality, I was never as into the idea as he was and so, I have little to benefit from clarifying what happened/ why his thoughts have changed. Base line, he doesn’t want to now and that really is ok with me.

I think he felt the flowers because he feels guilty that he has changed his tune, we didn’t argue and I didn’t make him feel that way, I just think he wanted me to know that although his thoughts have changed he still loves me and wants to be with me.

I do have a friend who thinks that he’s trying to throw me off the scent of a proposal but that isn’t at all how the conversation came across, so I’m pretty sure I’m right

Gosh, that was long. I just wanted to thank you all for your views and let you know how it all ended.

Thanks again everyone.

But he constantly and since the beginning has been sharing this "fantasy" with you and didn't have the emotional intelligence to realise that it was just a fantasy until your divorce went through? He sounds very immature to me. I would be furious, but it's entirely up to you.

If he did ask you, what would you say?

I think you know him, but yes, him changing his mind literally as soon as you’re able to be married is very very suspect. But if you believe it was just a co incidence it doesn’t really matter that no one else does.

@Lweji based on our discussion this week and his change of heart, I definitely wouldn’t say yes if he asked me. If I’m honest, I would have floated along with it if he’d asked me before, because I love him, but as he’s put his sensible head on, I’ll join him in rational thought

I don't understand why you don't just have an open conversation about it. This is ripe for a double misunderstanding where you would each quite like to get married but keep deferring to the other in the belief you don't!!