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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Overreacting?

108 replies

Sarahlp21 · 22/11/2020 15:59

Hi, I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years we have a very nearly 3 year old. We moved into our new home at the start of lockdown and I’ve been on furlough since then. I pay the rent (£1000), council tax, the internet and the water and our daughters savings account. He covers the gas/electric and shopping. He earns triple what I do and by the time I’ve finished paying the bills I’m left with hardly any money. He has a lot of finance, an expensive car that costs £400 a month plus the insurance and tax, a motocross bike which is £170 a month. That’s the first issue I have. He does absolutely nothing to help with our daughter or the home. He will come home from work, sit on his phone, eat dinner and then go to bed. Then a lot of the weekends he goes to see his friends, or is out doing things with his car. This month he has brought new stuff for his car and then said he doesn’t have enough money to cover shopping, so I’ve had to pay the extra. He won’t help with putting our daughter to bed, bathing or feeding her. Won’t help with any of the housework, I cook, wash up 7 days a week. If I ask for his help he simply says “I don’t do that, you do that” or “you’re better at it then me” or “I’ve been at work all day and I’m knackered and you’ve been indoors dossing” “I would love your life”. He’s favourite line is “shall we...” basically meaning I have to do it. For example he said to me “shall we clean our daughter up and get her bathed and tidied up because it’s stressing me out you know how I hate mess” and when I said you do it then I’m busy, he said I don’t do that, you do that. He transferred me lower than the usual amount (£100) for the weeks shopping today and said he was going to do his car and I was to go do the weeks shopping on my own. I’ve had enough, I feel like a single Mum of two children. But he always makes me feel like I’m overreacting or being unfair, please can someone enlighten me if I am or not 😞

OP posts:
KittenCalledBob · 22/11/2020 16:01

You are not overreacting OP. He sounds like a complete waste of space.

Lazypuppy · 22/11/2020 16:01

Why dont you get a joint account and all bills come out of that.

Then each move a proportion in to cover costs depending on your income?

I never understand why couples split bills like that, just easier to have them all coming out of same account

Aquamarine1029 · 22/11/2020 16:03

What's the point of him? Selfish and useless are his main attributes, apparently.

You deserve far better than him.

Joswis · 22/11/2020 16:03

He's a cocklodger. One you have a child with, but still.

tiredybear · 22/11/2020 16:06

so what DOES he bring to the relationship? He sounds like an absolute waste of space to me, too.

Why on earth did you agree to such an unequal financial contribution?

I honestly don't understand why so many people on MN make so many similar posts...OF COURSE you are not unreasonable to expect a PARTNERSHIP as an adult.

You need to have a serious chat with him about expectations and sharing of responsibilities. You are being seriously taken advantage of.

Thewoodfromthetrees · 22/11/2020 16:08

Bin him and get child maintenance. You pay most of the bills and the child maintenance will cover the shopping

LuaDipa · 22/11/2020 16:10

You pay the bulk of the bills and do all of the child raising. You may as we’ll be a single mum, at least then he would have to pay maintenance.

Honestly, get rid. You can do so much better than this.

HollowTalk · 22/11/2020 16:11

Oh god, get rid of this absolute lazy cocklodging bastard. Your life will improve so much overnight.

conduitoffortune · 22/11/2020 16:11

You are grossly under reacting

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 22/11/2020 16:13

Get rid of the man child.

EyelinerRocks · 22/11/2020 16:16

He sounds awful

Leaannb · 22/11/2020 16:22

YABU...For putting up with this

Sarahlp21 · 22/11/2020 16:23

Thank you for all your replies. I know it may seem silly me questioning it but he always makes me feel guilty, says he works hard and I’m just home all day with our little girl so I should do it. I asked him to move out a few weeks ago, that I had enough of being treated like a slave. He refused, said it was his home too. I am so so unhappy. When I think of buying something I don’t think of “us” I always think can I afford it because he always complains if I ask. I asked to go garden centre last weekend to get some Christmas decorations, even saying I’ll spend my own money, he said no we have to save my money as he doesn’t have a lot, and we might need it, later that day he spent £100 deposit and set up finance for stuff on his car! I have done all the Christmas and birthday shopping for our daughter. And it’s left me with nothing, but I much prefer her to be happy. I shouldn’t be living like this, he earns £3000 a month, and I struggle to get by month by month.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 22/11/2020 16:25

I would be making plans to get out as soon as possible.

Mollyboom · 22/11/2020 16:25

If it's his home then he should pay some of the rent the useless bastard. Honestly you would be financially better off as a single parent. You are worth more than this arse wipe.

Thewoodfromthetrees · 22/11/2020 16:27

How is it his home too? Are you both on the tenancy agreement? This feels like financial and emotional abuse

RandomMess · 22/11/2020 16:29

I would be giving notice on the tenancy and moving without him.

He earns £3k and doesn't even contribute 50% of joint costs Shock

Someonesayroadtrip · 22/11/2020 16:29

Sorry OP. He sounds really useless. I'd personally be looking to leave but I appreciate it's not as simple as that.

Joswis · 22/11/2020 16:29

Can you go to family while you get stuff sorted out? He can't afford to live there without you paying the rent, given that he fritters all his money elsewhere.

Your life will be a lot easier, with just you and your daughter. He sounds emotionally draining.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 22/11/2020 16:32

He is a massive arsehole. Have you got relatives you can move in with?

If not demand half of the rent money. Tell him you are not paying it. What else does he not do? He is controlling you by not contributing.

HiyaMeAgain · 22/11/2020 16:34

He is stating it is his home too, which he is correct, however, if he wants to share the house, then he has to share the household bills. He can only afford his "toys" (car, motorbike etc.) because he isn't acting as a grown up and providing for his family the same way you are.
Cancel some of the bills, such as gas electric and water, tell him he needs to pay them or they won't get paid.

I moved out from an ex years ago, as soon as I realised he only wanted me there to be his maid and pay bills. Nah, weren't sticking around for that.

What do you get from this relationship? Is it really worth it?

UsernameChat · 22/11/2020 16:36

What are you getting out of this relationship? He sounds like a lodger, not a partner. My ex was like this...which is why he is now an ex...

Pumpertrumper · 22/11/2020 16:40

In your situation OP I would honestly just pack a bag and flee. Speak to CAB, speak to anyone and everyone you can. Let them know you’re in a financially abusive/ cohesive control situation with a man who has refused to leave the family home and you don’t think you and your DD are safe to stay.

Let your landlord know you’ve fled an abusive relationship but that partner earns plenty to pay the rent himself. I’d make it clear he’s been paying nothing until now. You never know they may be willing to remove him from the lease if the payments have been coming from you.

This cocklodger has you trapped. He won’t release you whilst it’s not in his best interests and given your comments I worry about his reaction if you simply went on protest and stopped doing everything you are.

PandaBabyJuly · 22/11/2020 16:41

You said "our home"
But then you pay the rent

Are both your names on the tenancy?

I'd kick him out; your basically a single parent already; bet you'd have less stress and more money if you were to do it ok your own!

What exactly does he bring to the table?

I've just left my ex partner for him behaving like a cock lodging child and I'm pregnant with his child ....

Merryoldgoat · 22/11/2020 16:42

There is nothing that’s ok about this situation.

You need him gone.

Are you both on the tenancy? Do you have family you can stay with? Is his job PAYE?