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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Overreacting?

108 replies

Sarahlp21 · 22/11/2020 15:59

Hi, I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years we have a very nearly 3 year old. We moved into our new home at the start of lockdown and I’ve been on furlough since then. I pay the rent (£1000), council tax, the internet and the water and our daughters savings account. He covers the gas/electric and shopping. He earns triple what I do and by the time I’ve finished paying the bills I’m left with hardly any money. He has a lot of finance, an expensive car that costs £400 a month plus the insurance and tax, a motocross bike which is £170 a month. That’s the first issue I have. He does absolutely nothing to help with our daughter or the home. He will come home from work, sit on his phone, eat dinner and then go to bed. Then a lot of the weekends he goes to see his friends, or is out doing things with his car. This month he has brought new stuff for his car and then said he doesn’t have enough money to cover shopping, so I’ve had to pay the extra. He won’t help with putting our daughter to bed, bathing or feeding her. Won’t help with any of the housework, I cook, wash up 7 days a week. If I ask for his help he simply says “I don’t do that, you do that” or “you’re better at it then me” or “I’ve been at work all day and I’m knackered and you’ve been indoors dossing” “I would love your life”. He’s favourite line is “shall we...” basically meaning I have to do it. For example he said to me “shall we clean our daughter up and get her bathed and tidied up because it’s stressing me out you know how I hate mess” and when I said you do it then I’m busy, he said I don’t do that, you do that. He transferred me lower than the usual amount (£100) for the weeks shopping today and said he was going to do his car and I was to go do the weeks shopping on my own. I’ve had enough, I feel like a single Mum of two children. But he always makes me feel like I’m overreacting or being unfair, please can someone enlighten me if I am or not 😞

OP posts:
TeachesOfPeaches · 22/11/2020 18:49

I don't under rand why you are paying all of the rent OP? If you leave at the end of the tenancy do you have friends or family you could stay with until you find somewhere?

Sarahlp21 · 22/11/2020 18:56

My mum is supportive but doesn’t have the room for me and my daughter. I definitely don’t intend to get a loan. I was originally getting a loan for deposit and rent on a new place to which he found the email and said if you’re getting a loan I’m going to need that money. So I cancelled it and made my excuses that COVID had caused the loan to be cancelled. I know that he would leave me in debt without a care in the world. He’s also got his motocross bike in a garage getting new things done with no means of paying the £400 to get it out. He always used to say I have no responsibility with money, and checks with me every month that I’ve paid the rent, but now I realise he was projecting! If I ever moan about having any money he always says neither do I. I saved £1000 over the year as our daughters birthday is on the 23rd and then Christmas, when he realised I done this he said said he had no money and could I do some food shopping with it. I never spend any money on myself it all goes on bills and my daughter.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/11/2020 18:58

Please speak to woman's aid that's financial abuse Thanks

Sarahlp21 · 22/11/2020 19:05

The rent comes out of my bank account every month when we moved in he agreed to transfer me the money. But first it was “I paid for the first months rent and deposit” to why he wasn’t transferring and then it was he does his fair share as he pays for shopping and gas and electric. He will do something every now and then like buy our daughter clothes and then he will remind me of that anytime I mention it, saying you forget all the good stuff I do like get her clothes. Which then makes me feel guilty.

OP posts:
victoria0132 · 22/11/2020 19:05

This just gets worse the more I read. Financial abuse, you need to get out of there as soon as possible. Please speak to women's aid as a previous poster has said. Why is he going through your emails anyway?

BananaFlavouredPancakes · 22/11/2020 19:08

OP you and your DD deserve so much better than this sorry excuse for a man. Please keep on track to get yourselves away from him and go via CMS to ensure he pays you what is due. Good luck to you!

AntiHop · 22/11/2020 19:12

You know the answer op. End the relationship.

Tistheseason17 · 22/11/2020 19:19

Save money and DO NOT TELL HIM ABOUT IT.
Then get out.
He's a gas lighting jerk.

SpaceOp · 22/11/2020 19:22

You are paying the bulk of the household expenses and are earning less PLUS are furloughed? WTAF?!

Leave. Leave now. This man is completely and utterly taking the piss. I guarantee he has a huge savings pot and that when he can't afford to pay for shopping, it's not impacting his savings.

He sounds awful.

Thewoodfromthetrees · 22/11/2020 19:27

Contact Women's Aid to help you to get a court order to get him out of the house.

Rollingpiglet · 22/11/2020 19:45

Your life will be so much easier without him in it!

KatharinaRosalie · 22/11/2020 19:49

you earn 1500 and pay for everything. He earns then 4500 and pays..400 a month shopping? And even that he's trying to weasel out of.

You'll be better off without him, he probably eats three times the amount you and DD do, just to get his money's worth.

DO NOT TAKE OUT any loans for him!!

KatharinaRosalie · 22/11/2020 19:50

Oh and yes, you are massively under-reacting.

oatmilk4breakfast · 22/11/2020 20:02

This is terrible. You are being taken advantage of. Look at your daughter and stop feeling guilty. Just take every action you need to to get away from him safely. Know he will try every trick to stop you. Because he’s a kept man at the moment. Why would he want to give up his golden goose? So sorry this has happened to you. Good luck.

ZombieAttack · 22/11/2020 20:08

Do not take out any loans. Try and get your name removed from the tenancy. Leave. Leave. Leave.

LuaDipa · 22/11/2020 20:10

He is abusive scum. Please leave.Flowers

2GinOrNot2Gin · 22/11/2020 20:20

You need to leave.. you will be so much better off alone.

Speak to women's aid and/or local council they can offer advice

Is there anywhere you could go temporality? I know your mum doesn't have space but could you make it work until you find your feet? I'm sure she'd want to help you get out this situation. What about other family and friends? If anyone I cared about approached me in this situation I would take them in without a second thought.. even if there wasn't room.

Have you told people close to you what's happening.. you need people to support you.

S111n20 · 22/11/2020 20:30

YANBU he sounds horrible. You will be better off without him.

DrManhattan · 22/11/2020 20:54

Hes a financial abuser.
Aim to get out ASAP. As the posters above have put, don't take out any loans.
If you can get any financial help in the short term, end your lease where you are now and get a deposit on somewhere else. Take care

FloreanFortescue · 22/11/2020 20:55

Goodbyeeeeeeeeeeee!

And good riddance.

Ploki · 22/11/2020 21:01

Where is his money going, though?

WhenPushComesToShove · 22/11/2020 21:24

You know what you need to do. He's scum and you deserve better. Bite the bullet and sort it out for the sake of your DD if not for yourself. He is a horrific example of what a male (or anyone actually) should be. Good luck OP

justilou1 · 22/11/2020 21:42

Stop feeding him, get his name removed - I’m sure you could bore him into signing some papers when he’s playing x-box, and kick him out.

Sarahlp21 · 22/11/2020 22:17

I’m definitely getting out tomorrow with my daughter. He’s come back, I’ve cooked dinner as usual and then he’s sensed something is wrong, he’s then belittled me For half hour about how he’ll never forget that I didn’t give him the “little bit” of money he has asked for (meaning the loan) and that he’ll remember whenever I need anything (I’ve never asked for anything). He’s said that I can’t be normal, and waited for me to start crying, told me I’m only crying because I haven’t got anything to say and I would stick vinegar in my eyes to make myself cry as I know I’m in the wrong. Whilst I was sobbing he went to sleep. I’ve organised to stay at my friends for the next few days and then I’m going to try and get him removed from tenancy. I’ve always done what he’s asked but clearly this is what happens when I don’t.

OP posts:
Thewoodfromthetrees · 22/11/2020 22:27

Good OP that you are going to stay with a friend for a few days with your son. Don't tell him where you are staying or when you will be back. Message him when you are at your friends to say you will be spending a few days. Expect him to ramp up the abuse. Contact women's aid in the morning