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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Overreacting?

108 replies

Sarahlp21 · 22/11/2020 15:59

Hi, I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years we have a very nearly 3 year old. We moved into our new home at the start of lockdown and I’ve been on furlough since then. I pay the rent (£1000), council tax, the internet and the water and our daughters savings account. He covers the gas/electric and shopping. He earns triple what I do and by the time I’ve finished paying the bills I’m left with hardly any money. He has a lot of finance, an expensive car that costs £400 a month plus the insurance and tax, a motocross bike which is £170 a month. That’s the first issue I have. He does absolutely nothing to help with our daughter or the home. He will come home from work, sit on his phone, eat dinner and then go to bed. Then a lot of the weekends he goes to see his friends, or is out doing things with his car. This month he has brought new stuff for his car and then said he doesn’t have enough money to cover shopping, so I’ve had to pay the extra. He won’t help with putting our daughter to bed, bathing or feeding her. Won’t help with any of the housework, I cook, wash up 7 days a week. If I ask for his help he simply says “I don’t do that, you do that” or “you’re better at it then me” or “I’ve been at work all day and I’m knackered and you’ve been indoors dossing” “I would love your life”. He’s favourite line is “shall we...” basically meaning I have to do it. For example he said to me “shall we clean our daughter up and get her bathed and tidied up because it’s stressing me out you know how I hate mess” and when I said you do it then I’m busy, he said I don’t do that, you do that. He transferred me lower than the usual amount (£100) for the weeks shopping today and said he was going to do his car and I was to go do the weeks shopping on my own. I’ve had enough, I feel like a single Mum of two children. But he always makes me feel like I’m overreacting or being unfair, please can someone enlighten me if I am or not 😞

OP posts:
Mustbe3ormorecharacters · 22/11/2020 16:48

YABU to still be with him, stop enabling this wankstains life style.

Nunoftheother · 22/11/2020 16:56

Yes, total waste of space. Selfish, lazy, mean and unpleasant.

DrManhattan · 22/11/2020 16:59

Get rid. ASAP.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 22/11/2020 17:19

Absolutely get rid of him. He's a user but how on earth are you paying for all those things? You say he earns 3x more than you a month and he earns £3000 a month, so you earn £1000? And your rent alone is £1000? How are you paying council tax or anything else?

TheDowagerDuchess · 22/11/2020 17:23

Why are you paying for so much more than him on a much lower income? Doesn’t make sense for starters.

And what’s his logic for thinking you have to do everything for your dd and for the house?

He sounds an utter waste of space and as though you would be better off without him!

CandyLeBonBon · 22/11/2020 17:25

Is he named on the tenancy agreement op? If not, you can dump his bags on the doorstep, change the locks and start proceedings with cms etc. This is no life.

AntiHop · 22/11/2020 17:27

I've always earned more than my DH, and we've always shared our money, before we had dd, and before we got married.

Your dp is a selfish arsehole.

ChorltonWheelie · 22/11/2020 17:30

Oh OP, this is no way to live, he is bringing nothing to the relationship apart from extra work for you. Have my very first LTB

Ilovechinese · 22/11/2020 17:33

Another one saying kick him out or leave! When he says he works all day you should say "yeah what for? Cos it certainly isn't to provide for your child is it!" What a selfish prick! So basically he works but barely contributes anything and doesn't help around the house or with your child either. You definitely would be better off financially and emotionally without him

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 22/11/2020 17:33

@UsernameChat

What are you getting out of this relationship? He sounds like a lodger, not a partner. My ex was like this...which is why he is now an ex...
Lodgers pay rent!

If the tenancy is in your name alone, check when you can give notice & get out. Joint tenancy - notify the LL you're leaving abusive relationship & partner needs to pay , and tenancy in his name solely.

victoria0132 · 22/11/2020 18:00

How does he earn £3K/month and not even contribute to the rent or any of HIS daughter's costs? His excuse with not helping being that he's working hard does not cut it when none of that income is being used to help the family finances. At the moment he's using all of it for his car and motorbike. Absolutely get rid of this man child, he has no respect for you and is gaslighting you - you are absolutely not over reacting. You and your daughter deserve so much better.

ScotchBunnet · 22/11/2020 18:05

Fucking hell, what’s the point of him?

GlummyMcGlummerson · 22/11/2020 18:07

Leave.

He's a lazy tightwad and it will only get worse. Leave him in the expensive rental and find a lovely home with you and your DD.

I'm so sick of reading these threads about these vile men - who do they think they are?! What makes them think it's ok to get away with this?

HollowTalk · 22/11/2020 18:15

He can't refuse to go if he doesn't pay rent. If you're paying the rent, surely he's not on the contract?

VettiyaIruken · 22/11/2020 18:25

He is a selfish, cruel arsehole and you would be happy without him

Ploki · 22/11/2020 18:30

What a scumbag he is! I have never said LTB before because, ahem, I put up with a lot myself, and it's all so complicated. But that combo of "you do that" and "shall we,,,?" meaning you do it, that would be intolerable even if he were paying for everything!

Sarahlp21 · 22/11/2020 18:31

Unfortunately he is on the tenancy and just refuses to leave! I earn £1500 in a month due to being furloughed and it barely covers the bills. I do think I would be better off in every way if he wasn’t here. I am looking at new homes, a house. We live in an apartment at the moment and I’ve been wanting to move into a house anyway so our daughter has a garden, he’s always refused and says it’s better to live in an apartment as it’s cheaper 🙄. So I’m thinking of saving and just starting a fresh. He’s been bugging me to take out a loan as apparently he needs it to pay off his overdraft, and says he can’t get one as he has too much out, which I refuse to do, and keeps causing arguments. His answer is “when the pot runs dry then we won’t be able to eat” “next month I’m not spending a penny”. It’s always been the same, we’ve only ever been on one holiday, which I paid for. I feel so drained.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/11/2020 18:34

Do not take out any loans. Check the tenancy agreement presumably you can serve notice now?

Please seek advice on how to get your name off the tenancy ASAP then leave. Do you have family or friends you could stay with?

Do you claim the child benefit?

Melamine · 22/11/2020 18:36

OMG op please leave him. Trying to force you to get a loan out in your name and threatening you with further financial abuse?! Please do not spend any significant time saving up - just get away from him. Do you have a friend or family member you can stay with?

HollowTalk · 22/11/2020 18:38

Oh god, hand in your notice on the place and just leave at the end of the tenancy. He's really terrible. Also make sure he doesn't use your details to get a loan - if he does, go straight to the police.

Alonelonelyloner · 22/11/2020 18:38

I took on a number of loans because of my waster ex. It was and still is awful. Please listen to the people here.

It does not improve. Little things get better, but the overall picture stays permanently shit.
Get sorted and go.

He should be ashamed. When you leave, print all of these replies out and put them in an envelope for him to mull over. Loser!!

thepeopleversuswork · 22/11/2020 18:40

What an absolute prince.

I can't imagine any scenario in which staying with him would be worthwhile. I'd bin him off now.

Minikievs · 22/11/2020 18:41

He sounds like a right arsehole. Do NOT take out a loan for him!

GenevaL · 22/11/2020 18:42

He’s a disgusting waste of space. Since you pay pretty much all the bills, I guess you have no fear of him punishing you by withholding further money, since he barely shares any to start with. You’ve made it clear you want the relationship to end but he refuses to leave as it’s all so convenient for him. He refuses to be a parent. So, can you treat him as if he’s no longer a partner and refuse to do anything for him? No laundry, no food buying, no cooking. Let him live like a tenant in a flat share and not a partner. Honestly, he’s vile.

seriousandloyal · 22/11/2020 18:47

You are really underreacting! Do not take out any loans for him. From what you have described here he does not care for you or his daughter one bit. No wonder you feel down, that's no way to live.