Foraging flatmate

[Pers]

I need some advice, I moved in with a flatmate a few months ago. We share a kitchen and bathroom but are on separate housing contracts. Things were going well at first and we got on well, she's a bit over curious about my life, needing to know my plans etc.

I noticed things have been moved in my room, door open when I left it shut and things like that. I bought a new phone and used the old one occasionally, left it switched on and went to work all day. Came back, noticed it had moved and it had been picked up five times.

Suspicions raised, I have set up a video camera using my old phone and every day that I've been out, my flatmate has been in my room looking around my room, at the letters on my desk, and yesterday I put my letters away in the cupboard and on the video she was going in my cupboards to have a look.

We get on well generally, but I really feel my privacy has been violated, and like an abuse of trust. I don't want to start locking my door as I feel it will change the atmosphere in the house.

She doesn't work but starts a new job on Monday and hopefully it will stop, but somehow I think she'll carry on snooping about in my room.

I've been thinking about getting a glitter bomb to see if she'll open it, which will then open the conversation. I feel like a creep for filming but I wanted to prove my suspicions correct.

How would you recommend to deal with something like this, where the person is perhaps suffering with anxiety, and I don't want to humiliate her but I'm also really annoyed! Would it be unreasonable to deal with this with an explosion of glitter

@Pers

Locking the door will create an atmosphere, maybe I know she'll start being shitty with me because she wants to have a rummage through my stuff.

I can't move out at the moment as it's not financially viable. We have separate housing contracts so equal tenancy rights.

No locking the door wont create an atmosphere, her lack of personal boundaries already has.

I refuse to believe anyone is this wet.

It's a great way of her having to admit she was in your room. It will be interesting to see what excuse she comes up with.

Flatmate vacuums the floor and has a shower before OP get home from work.

OP - "Did you see a glitterbomb in my room?
Flatmate - "No."

@lovelovelove2020

Definitely glitter bomb. It's a great way of her having to admit she was in your room. It will be interesting to see what excuse she comes up with. I've lived in loads of house shares. Never have I or someone else snooped in others rooms. So bloody cheeky. I think you are handling it really well.

Don't be daft! She's not handling it at all!

There is already an atmosphere as you know she is going through your stuff and she is not aware of that. All the feelings are on you and she is merrily going along snooping. I would lock the door and if she queries it then confront her. Yes it may make an atmosphere but her mental health is not an excuse for her to go rummaging through other peoples stuff. She may not even say anything as she would surely have to admit she was trying to get in your room. In the long run though you may need to move out.

@ImpossibleGirl

I'd be doing a credit check on yourself. I'd also be checking all transactions on every account I have.

Would any of the paperwork she's been through give her enough info to apply for credit in your name? If she's home, she can intercept cards / letters arriving.

Never thought of this but very possible! Lock your door, trust is gone anyway. Plus she’d only know it was locked if she tried to get in, which she shouldn’t be doing.

Lol please video the glitter bomb if you do it.

This advice isn't going ignored, im just trying to figure out what will be the best way to deal with this with minimum friction, the insurance idea
does seem to be the best actually.

I did kind of want to catch her red handed though

@Pers

Glitter bomb would be intended for someone else (a friend who is a fan of practical jokes) but her nosiness would backfire on her

This. There has to be respect and boundaries even with just flat mates. To look once isn't good but to keep repeating that means it will never stop

A glitter bomb you could say wasn't intended for her but she'd have some explaining to do and you need never say you'd videoed her and already knew she was snooping

How is her fragile mental state and anxiety going to deal with being caught (red) glitter-handed? She’ll be furious and blame you for having something so volatile in your room that “went off accidentally” when she went in to borrow the vacuum.

Hey, if she plays it right you might even have to buy her some new clothes just to make it up to her. As she’ll be so upset and shaken, obviously.

Although it’s a good excuse to store the vacuum somewhere less dangerous to her in the house.

And then lock the door.

You already have, on video, ffs

Just lock the door!

I really can’t see how setting up a glitter bomb trap would be any better if your aim is to avoid bad feeling. Embarrassing / humiliating her isn’t going to improve the atmosphere in your flat.

If you won’t be open about the real reason why you’re locking your door then just say it’s about insurance as pp have suggested.

Everything you've written is batshit.

Her mental health will be far more affected if you play tricks on her and humiliate her with glitter than if you just say, "oi - I know you go in my room, pack it in"
And how in the hell is discretely starting to lock your door worse than having a massive Barney about it?

You're not a creep for filming your bedroom & you didn't invade her privacy by doing so - she would never have been caught on camera if she wasn't invading your privacy. Locking your door would not make you the "weird one." I get the impression you are wary of confrontation & living with strangers that is wise, you never know how she might react. A tense atmosphere could be the least of your worries. Like pps have said, lock the door & if she mentions it just say it's insurance related. I doubt she will make a fuss about that because she is the one in the wrong & she knows it. As pp have said, trying to catch her out with glitter bombs or anything else could shame & humiliate her & cause any tension & her creepy behaviour to escalate dramatically. You also seem worried that if she mentions you've started locking your door to anyone that they are going to think something is wrong with you. Trust me, most people either won't be interested or more likely will start wondering how your room mate knows you have suddenly started locking your door & will be wondering about her not you!

At 35 aren’t you a bit old for glitter bombs?

Leave the hoover out and the door locked or tell her straight that you have noticed your stuff has been moved repeatedly and you would prefer her not to go into your room at all as it is making you feel like you need to lock the door and you don’t want to live like this.

I did kind of want to catch her red handed though

You either catch her or you don't cause an atmosphere, you can't have both.

I think that OP is having a bit of fun with us. If you lock your door your flatmate would not know unless she tried it (which she knows she shouldn't) Why would she know?

This flatmate (that you don't want to upset!) will be far more upset if you glitter bomb her and then tell her why........................

I think having someone on video tape doing something they shouldn't oughta is pretty much the definition of catching red handed isn't it?

No need to come out with any explanation about locking your door, just lock it. Like a pp said she won't even know it's been locked unless she tries to open it.

Everyone typing out replies is wasting their time.

I did kind of want to catch her red handed though

Why? How will that help your situation? It will make it worse. Keep your eye on the target - keeping your room private. That’s what you want out of this.

Mid 30's?
Fucks sake.
Grow up, grow a pair and lock your door.
Despite dozens of suggestions from normal, sentient people the glitter bomb is the best way forward for you here?
Lock door.
If confronted you don't even NEED to explain.
This is so childish and stupid I'm having trouble believing it's a genuine post.

I know the glitter bomb is a bad idea, but it was a way of providing evidence rather than admit "I've got you on camera"

Why do you want to catch her?

If you are too frightened to lock the door in case it causes an atmosphere what on earth do you think will be the result of the glitter bomb?

And if you lock the door is she really going to ask you why? . Do you share a kitchen, living room ? Surely the hoover can go in there.

Of course she'll ask why, and make me out to be paranoid and unfriendly... I'd rather the fallout landed on her

@Pers

This advice isn't going ignored, im just trying to figure out what will be the best way to deal with this with minimum friction, the insurance idea does seem to be the best actually.

I did kind of want to catch her red handed though

Like a grown up perhaps?

Lock your door, make a point about insurance and fraud and then ask, "Just, why have you been going through my things? I know you have. And if/when she denies it, show her evidence and for the explanation?

You need to hear the truth about why she's doing it, even if its 'uncomfortable' for your own protection. The idea that you have any kind of salvagable relationship at this point is pretty funny.

[quote Pers]@slashlover yes, it seems like I attract these kinds of people, or I must be interesting...

Nice of you to trawl my previous threads though [/quote]
Advanced Search is a very interesting tool.

Often used when people are suspicious.

HTH.