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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Foraging flatmate

516 replies

Pers · 22/11/2020 14:18

I need some advice, I moved in with a flatmate a few months ago. We share a kitchen and bathroom but are on separate housing contracts. Things were going well at first and we got on well, she's a bit over curious about my life, needing to know my plans etc.

I noticed things have been moved in my room, door open when I left it shut and things like that. I bought a new phone and used the old one occasionally, left it switched on and went to work all day. Came back, noticed it had moved and it had been picked up five times.

Suspicions raised, I have set up a video camera using my old phone and every day that I've been out, my flatmate has been in my room looking around my room, at the letters on my desk, and yesterday I put my letters away in the cupboard and on the video she was going in my cupboards to have a look.

We get on well generally, but I really feel my privacy has been violated, and like an abuse of trust. I don't want to start locking my door as I feel it will change the atmosphere in the house.

She doesn't work but starts a new job on Monday and hopefully it will stop, but somehow I think she'll carry on snooping about in my room.

I've been thinking about getting a glitter bomb to see if she'll open it, which will then open the conversation. I feel like a creep for filming but I wanted to prove my suspicions correct.

How would you recommend to deal with something like this, where the person is perhaps suffering with anxiety, and I don't want to humiliate her but I'm also really annoyed! Would it be unreasonable to deal with this with an explosion of glitter Glitterball

OP posts:
RightOnTheEdge · 22/11/2020 15:31

Fgs! She doesn't care about your feelings does she? She is massively taking the piss and you are walking around on egg shells!

You both sound very immature and ridiculous.
You are obviously determined to glitter bomb her and are rejecting pages of sensible advice so just go get your glittery revenge if you want to so much and stop fannying around.

I am the most feeble person when it comes to confronting people or awkward conversations but even I would be locking the door and telling the nosy cow to piss off and buy her own hoover!

HollowTalk · 22/11/2020 15:31

Just say, "Were you in all day yesterday? Only someone's been in my room and I wonder whether it was the last tenant. I'm going to keep my door locked from now on - I can't stand the thought of someone going through my things." Then leave the vacuum cleaner outside your door when you go to work.

BuggerationFlavouredCrisps · 22/11/2020 15:31

Surely no-one is their mid thirties is this pathetic?
Glitter bombs and cards that make sex noises.
I think it’s either a sad Troll post or a 10yr old.

DetectiveRandySomething · 22/11/2020 15:32

You're dealing with this in an immature and ridiculous way.

Just lock your door.

The glitter bomb thing is malicious and doesn't solve the problem.

Goldensnitchy · 22/11/2020 15:33

Well this is all very...odd.

You seem determined to let her walk all over you. So just continue as you are. She will find a way round the glitter “trick” I guarantee it. But this all reads very weird. You enjoy glitter so don’t mind about the mess? Hmm

ElspethFlashman · 22/11/2020 15:33

SHE'LL DENY ALL KNOWLEDGE OF THE GLITTER BOMB FGS!

Jesus

Shivering

Christ!

She'll just say she heard a noise from inside the room! And some glitter bomb had somehow gone off!

And you'll go "...... Oh...... Right......" because you're as wet as a haddock!

And she'll keep on going into your room because she'll know you'll never ever say anything!!!!

Aaaaaaah! Angry

Babysharkdoodoodood · 22/11/2020 15:35

Being glitter bombed and humiliated will be far worse for her MH than you locking your bloody door!

And don't tell her in advance. She won't ask why.

CatFaceCats · 22/11/2020 15:35

This is beyond weird!

Look the bloody door and stop pissing about with glitter bombs and sex noise cards.

ToDoListAddict · 22/11/2020 15:35

If you're not going to lock your door, could you buy a lockable trunk instead and put all personal stuff in that, lock it and put in a cupboard. That way she can't get in a mood as she'll have to explain why she knows all your personal stuff has been moved?

MadamFlutterby · 22/11/2020 15:36

@Pers - your answer should confidently be "no she doesn't go in my room when I'm asleep"

How can you possibly know this for sure - unless you film whilsy you are asleep also?

Do you not even lock your door for privacy?

thewalkers · 22/11/2020 15:36

You should
Leave the door unlocked
Leave some money out now and then for her
Leave your best jewellery out for her
Leave a snack out for her
Leave your personal info out so it's easier for her to clone your identity
Leave all log in details so it's a more interesting snoop

RightOnTheEdge · 22/11/2020 15:37

And you'll go "...... Oh...... Right......
because you're as wet as a haddock!
🤣🤣

nicky7654 · 22/11/2020 15:38

Leave a written note on your bed saying 'if your reading this please stop snooping in my room!'

ChetChet · 22/11/2020 15:39

I don't understand your thought process, OP, even after your explanations.

Go on, use your reasoning against your house mate - you go and pilfer through her private belongings on the sly. When she has had enough and locks her room, confront her and say "what you playing at locking me out, how dare you. I can look through your stuff". Then have the right hump with her for her audacity.

AtLeastThreeDrinks · 22/11/2020 15:40

She’ll probably clean up the glitter and shower before you can “catch” her.

And honestly? Just say “hey I know you’ve been going in my room – it’s not a big deal but I’d prefer you didn’t so I’m going to lock my door and we can draw a line under it. I’ll move the vacuum into the living room, ok? Cuppa?” And then carry on as normal and stop worrying so much about her reaction – she obviously doesn’t give a shit how you’d feel about her snooping. Breeze over and carry on with your life.

Horsemad · 22/11/2020 15:40

OP, do you know - there are saner people locked up than the ones wandering loose and posting on MN... Hmm

You've been given a reasonable 'excuse' of insurance should you want to use it, yet you seem to consider a puerile joke to be the answer.

Are you sure YOU aren't the one with fragile mental health? And if you are, then please, please seek some help; you could even put a post up here asking for some relevant agencies.

BlueThistles · 22/11/2020 15:40

Locking the door will create an atmosphere,

okay 🙄

You should
Leave the door unlocked
Leave some money out now and then for her
Leave your best jewellery out for her
Leave a snack out for her
Leave your personal info out so it's easier for her to clone your identity
Leave all log in details so it's a
more interesting snoop

so do this then....

and hopefully Santa will bring you a back bone for Christmas 🎉

RedToothBrush · 22/11/2020 15:40

@Pers

I do have a lock on my door, and I know she won't steal but I didn't think she'd be so nosy!

I don't want to live in a house where there's tension either though, but perhaps it's too late and the trust has already been destroyed

Just grow a backbone and confront her. You don't know why she is snoping. Can you think of a reason to do so which isn't dodgy or potentially criminal and doesn't need challenging?

Stop being too nice to do something. Something needs to be done.

Make sure you have a lock on your door before you do so. Worrying about 'an atmosphere' should be the least of your worries.

lovelovelove2020 · 22/11/2020 15:41

Definitely glitter bomb.
It's a great way of her having to admit she was in your room. It will be interesting to see what excuse she comes up with.
I've lived in loads of house shares. Never have I or someone else snooped in others rooms. So bloody cheeky.
I think you are handling it really well.

RedToothBrush · 22/11/2020 15:42

@Pers

I'm not a student! We're both mid 30s
Jesus fucking wept.
Sally872 · 22/11/2020 15:42

Don't glitter bomb her that will definitely make things worse. There is already an atmosphere as you know she has been in her room. Just start locking your door. If she is bold enough to ask why just say "I just prefer it locked."

If she asked why "I just do. Makes me feel more secure"

HappenedForAReisling · 22/11/2020 15:42

She's massively taking the piss and you're letting her.

You have a very simple solution - lock the door - yet you seem to find every excuse you can to do do it. It's like you enjoy the drama.

If you're not going to do the most logical thing and lock your door then crack on. i have no sympathy for you.

Simarilion · 22/11/2020 15:43

I've lived in many shared flats & it is awful if you have a strained relationship with a flatmate, so I understand why you don't want to confront her. On the other hand, I would be really upset & on edge if I knew someone was searching my room, and seriously concerned about identity theft. I'd probably come up with a bullshit reason to lock your door- avoiding mice or deterring burglars when you're both out. Just do it - hopefully she won't have to nerve to say anything.

GeorgiaMcGraw · 22/11/2020 15:43

@bluethistles I was just about to suggest that! I'd actually go one step further, OP, just take your door off completely, then she will know how welcome she is! Boundaries are for meanies, so possibly remove the bathroom door as well. What 30-something year old women can't make eye contact while taking a shit? That's true friendship. Let us know how it goes!

Twigletfairy · 22/11/2020 15:43

You're worried about upsetting her by not allowing her to invade your privacy?

Right.

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