Foraging flatmate

[Pers]

I need some advice, I moved in with a flatmate a few months ago. We share a kitchen and bathroom but are on separate housing contracts. Things were going well at first and we got on well, she's a bit over curious about my life, needing to know my plans etc.

I noticed things have been moved in my room, door open when I left it shut and things like that. I bought a new phone and used the old one occasionally, left it switched on and went to work all day. Came back, noticed it had moved and it had been picked up five times.

Suspicions raised, I have set up a video camera using my old phone and every day that I've been out, my flatmate has been in my room looking around my room, at the letters on my desk, and yesterday I put my letters away in the cupboard and on the video she was going in my cupboards to have a look.

We get on well generally, but I really feel my privacy has been violated, and like an abuse of trust. I don't want to start locking my door as I feel it will change the atmosphere in the house.

She doesn't work but starts a new job on Monday and hopefully it will stop, but somehow I think she'll carry on snooping about in my room.

I've been thinking about getting a glitter bomb to see if she'll open it, which will then open the conversation. I feel like a creep for filming but I wanted to prove my suspicions correct.

How would you recommend to deal with something like this, where the person is perhaps suffering with anxiety, and I don't want to humiliate her but I'm also really annoyed! Would it be unreasonable to deal with this with an explosion of glitter

Wow OP, you do seem to have problems with people rummaging through your personal stuff.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3614733-dp-s-sister-cleaning-our-house?msgid=87882616#87882616

Sounds to me like your the one with anxiety

She could easily have stolen your identity if nothing material gets taken. You are bonkers to leave your door unlocked. Lock your door. Who gives shit about the atmosphere in the house which SHE has caused not you.

@Merryoldgoat

I’d tell her I know.

‘Sandra - I know you look around my room when I’m not here. You’re invading my privacy. Please stop. Otherwise I’ll tell the landlord why I’m looking for a different place to live’

This.

You don’t need to tell her you filmed her. You’ve given many examples here of things you noticed had been moved, door open, etc. Just mention those.

If you don’t nip this in the bud, it will continue, regardless of her new job. She may just be snooping but if she is looking for things to steal then you will be in an even more awkward position.

Personally I’d lock my bedroom every day - and night!

You're so passive op... think you need to take q long hard look at your boundaries are why you're more afraid of upsetting her then you being upset she has been in your things! Afraid to rock the boat? She's already done that and more!!

@slashlover yes, it seems like I attract these kinds of people, or I must be interesting...

Nice of you to trawl my previous threads though

🤦‍♀️🤐

Does she also go in your room when you are sleeping?

Just put a lock on your door, I don’t see why you are messing around trying to cover her in glitter etc.., just put a lock on your door, she’s not likely to say anything as that will out the fact she’s been going in there.

Locking the door will create an atmosphere, maybe I know she'll start being shitty with me because she wants to have a rummage through my stuff.

Let her continue going through your stuff then

Jesus.

@MadamFlutterby

Not that I'm aware of

Ok you need to move out.

Every other post is about something you can't do because she will 'go mental' 'won't like it' 'will make your life difficult'

Those are your red flags right there!

She's way out of order and you're hesitating to even pull her up on fucking going through your room every time your back is turned because she will be 'funny' with you Funny? Her feet shouldn't even touch the fucking floor - you should be able to tell her straight that you know, it stops now, you've recorded it and if she so much as looks at you sideways about pulling her up on this, you'll be moving out, sending the recording to your landlord and advising him that he should terminate her contract too as she's clearly an untrustworthy snoop.

But I say all that brave stuff because I know that I'd be one foot out already. You really can't live with someone so dishonest and sneaky.

@MadamFlutterby

Does she also go in your room when you are sleeping?

This. My daughter once woke up at night, to find her flat mate standing, staring at her. Very creepy. She locked her door after that.

Lock the door. She will only know if she tries to go in, and surely she wouldn’t be brass necked enough to then ask you? Why on earth would you tell her? If she does say you have taken out some new insurance policy which requires secure storage. Fin.

But you haven't got a harmonious relationship now! You're concerned enough to come on here and ask a bunch of strangers for advice and to defend to the hilt why you wont take the action suggested.

Have you mentioned this to anyone at work ? Bet if you do you'll get the same advice.

Ok, so let's say I move the vacuum, lock the door and I tell her I'm doing that because I know she's been going in my room.

Do you even bother reading some of the more helpful replies @Pers? Lots of posters have given you some good get outs.

By now I don't believe this thread is true any more. No-one is this wet.

Ok, so let's say I move the vacuum, lock the door and I tell her I'm doing that because I know she's been going in my room. How do we then continue from there? Is it possible for us to have a harmonious relationship? How would it make her feel, and what would that do for her anxiety?

Don't tell her why you're doing it? You've already had the suggestion to tell her it's because of your insurance. FFS.

"Hey flatmate, apparently my insurance says that I'm not covered if I don't lock my room door. I'll put the vacuum in the kitchen so you can still use it."

There. No confrontation. No atmosphere. No accusations.

Lock the door.

If she asks why say "you know why" and she asks again "you know why"
Asks again "you know why, you have overstepped boundaries" - I wouldnt give a shit about being difficult.

She keeps on " grey rock" -you know why, you over step boundaries. Over and over.

MarchionessofActon

I think you both sound unhinged, actually.

Absolutely. It's actually unnerving, reading this thread.

You've been shutting down every solution offered.

If this is true, there is no need to 'open the conversation', whatever the way you broach it. She will find an excuse for this time and it might be quite for a while but eventually she will come back.

You need to be clear about your objectives there: Do you want her to stop? Do you want to keep the peace? do you want retaliation?

I don't think the OP is reading the really helpful replies @slashlover

Lock the door = cancel the cheque of 2020.

I dont understand the issue with simply locking your door? How can it cause an atmosphere as she shouldn't be trying your door in the first place. All this stuff about glitter and sex noises is bonkers.

why are you so frightened of confrontation that you feel bad about telling her to stop going through your actual cupboards, phone and proivate correspondence. Thats actually just as bonkers on your part as it is on hers. Shes not your naughty little sister. This is a grown ass adult that is snooping, tresspassing and potentially stealing from you. Ask her why the fuck she is going through your stuff when youre not there, or speak to your landlord to get rid of her. Thats outrageous.

If you want to give her wiggle room in order to save face - always important in negotiations - use the insurance excuse, as Pp have said. Your idea is the worst of all options. It will humiliate her and definitely create a bad atmosphere. This is not what you want.