Foraging flatmate

[Pers]

I need some advice, I moved in with a flatmate a few months ago. We share a kitchen and bathroom but are on separate housing contracts. Things were going well at first and we got on well, she's a bit over curious about my life, needing to know my plans etc.

I noticed things have been moved in my room, door open when I left it shut and things like that. I bought a new phone and used the old one occasionally, left it switched on and went to work all day. Came back, noticed it had moved and it had been picked up five times.

Suspicions raised, I have set up a video camera using my old phone and every day that I've been out, my flatmate has been in my room looking around my room, at the letters on my desk, and yesterday I put my letters away in the cupboard and on the video she was going in my cupboards to have a look.

We get on well generally, but I really feel my privacy has been violated, and like an abuse of trust. I don't want to start locking my door as I feel it will change the atmosphere in the house.

She doesn't work but starts a new job on Monday and hopefully it will stop, but somehow I think she'll carry on snooping about in my room.

I've been thinking about getting a glitter bomb to see if she'll open it, which will then open the conversation. I feel like a creep for filming but I wanted to prove my suspicions correct.

How would you recommend to deal with something like this, where the person is perhaps suffering with anxiety, and I don't want to humiliate her but I'm also really annoyed! Would it be unreasonable to deal with this with an explosion of glitter

OP I don’t really know what reaction she could possibly give to you locking the door that would be even slightly justified. For her to even say anything would be an admission of her trying to get in your room! If she does dare to say anything just say “why were you going in my room?” - she can’t have any reasonable answer to that question!

@ImpossibleGirl

I'd be doing a credit check on yourself. I'd also be checking all transactions on every account I have.

Would any of the paperwork she's been through give her enough info to apply for credit in your name? If she's home, she can intercept cards / letters arriving.

My first thought

You aren't spineless, you just want to resolve this without causing unpleasantness which you then have to live with. It's a good thing to be a nice person OP.

@Pers

She's started her new job today. I've moved the vacuum cleaner, so that won't be a problem.

I'm wfh til Wednesday.

She will notice me locking my door because she'll hear me locking it...She will also ask why, and probably get shirty like I don't trust her and be really upset.

I know she's done a shitty thing by going around my room when I'm out, is it unforgivable? Do I have to live in a house now where I lock my door every time I go out because of this?

I'm so sad about this whole situation. And yes I'm being "wet" because I have to live with this person. I'm not about to get into a slanging match with her. Because I know that's what it'll be.

I will lock my door on Wednesday and let you know what happens.

If she gets shirty, like you don't trust her. Good! Tell it to her straight. "I've noticed you've been going in my room and I just think it's better if I lock my door. No hard feelings." It is up to her how she deals with it. I get that it's a tough situation and not ideal to live with a bampot though.

She’s a practical stranger, you have no reason to trust her and now she’s proved herself to be untrusted. Please check your insurance!

The only reason she'll kick off is that she's guilty. I don't understand why her wants are more important than yours. She created this situation

I think this may be a hang up from your previous controlling relationship. If you walked on eggshells to prevent them from reacting angrily and causing an atmosphere you're probably trying to do the same here. Afraid to stand your ground in fear of the other persons reaction.

You can't live like that any more. She's not your ex, she's a house mate who is in the wrong and crossing your boundaries.

You need to re-fix your personal boundaries and defend them when she oversteps. If she slams doors and gets mad she's being ridiculous but that shouldn't control your behaviour.

Op I get the not wanting to lock your door and the glitter bomb thing - it leaves you with nothing to explain after all.

But if she is nervy and anxious imagine the panic when she's covered in glitter? I get you're angry (understandably so) but I would not do this.

She has a lot of problems and isn't behaving like a reasonable person with the aggressive reactions. I think what is stressing you out is trying to fit around this dynamic. Instead, could you just get comfortable in it?

Don't bother tiptoeing around her if she's in a mood, just behave as normal and leave her to it. If she is making life difficult try having some phrases like "you're being rude to me, I live here and am entitled to a pleasant atmosphere" or "I'm not answering your questions, I've told you my reasons and I don't intend to keep repeating myself."

Given the robot vacuum cleaner is yours, you aren't obligated to share it. You could point this out to her.

Personally I would be more inclined to say "I don't want you going through my things" with no further explanation but I get this is not your communication style so the insurance excuse might be better. But do NOT apologise.

Stop being to bloody nice and tell them to pack it in, and lock your door.

You are not invading their privacy at all, you are videoing your private room which should always be empty unless you invite someone in.

I would struggle to share accommodation with someone like this.

You didn't think she'd be going through your things in your bedroom, how do you know she won't steal anything? If you can bear clearing up glitter forever then do a glitter bomb, but the simplest thing is to lock your door. She won't ask, I'm sure, but if she does just say things keep moving in your room and leave it at that.

I'm sorry, op, but you are being spineless. You're a grown woman and you are allowing this person to access your room without permission, rifle through your personal belongings, and you are concerned about her feelings? Are you mad? Do you have no sense of boundaries? Whatever issues or mental health problems this woman has are completely irrelevant. You should have read her the absolute riot act when you confirmed what she was doing. You would rather a pleasant "atmosphere" and just allow her to continue to invade your privacy? Honestly, I'm gobsmacked by the absurdity of this. You should confront her, inform your landlord and lock your fucking door.

I can't believe this is 16 pages long.

You live in shared accommodation. You have a right to privacy and security for your belongings when you are not there. What if there is a visitor when you are out or a friend of a friend to your room mate etc? basically a stranger who may steal. You don't need to explain. Not everything has to be ran through the mental health/trigger, snowflake detector.

Lock the fucking door. What about your own stress levels? Surely this would greatly reduce them?

Lock the door, lock the door, lock the door-or-or
Lock the door, lock the door, lock the door-or-or
Lock the door, lock the door, lock the door-or-or
Lock the door, lock the fucking door.

^to the tune of the William Tell overture^

Pretend u think there is a ghost in your room and start talking about being freaked out by it. In fact you are so paranoid that you announce to her that u have set up a hidden camera. That should sort the problem out no need for any messy glitter

Pretend u think there is a ghost in your room and start talking about being freaked out by it. In fact you are so paranoid that you announce to her that u have set up a hidden camera. That should sort the problem out no need for any messy glitter

Right. Make up some ridiculous woo woo bullshit story instead of dealing with this like an actual adult. That makes perfect sense.

If you lived in a house or flat on your own you'd presumably lock the door when you went out; so locking your room is just a scaled down version.

I know she's done a shitty thing by going around my room when I'm out, is it unforgivable? Do I have to live in a house now where I lock my door every time I go out because of this?

Everyone I know locks the door every time they go out. If it's not unforgivable then let her carry on rummaging through your knicker drawer and stealing your identity.

I'm so sad about this whole situation. And yes I'm being "wet" because I have to live with this person. I'm not about to get into a slanging match with her. Because I know that's what it'll be.

It doesn't need to be a slanging match, you have every right to lock your door.

Good god 🤦‍♀️

All the responses to OP's post have been so constructive yet OP keeps repeating the same excuses not to address. Am wondering if this is a genuine post.. or someone bored to get attention.

No one would put up with this situation let alone grown women in their 30's.

If genuine lock your door .. but stop letting good decent peoples advice go ignored. That's actually pretty foul.

I know absolutely no one who would accept this, let alone anyone who would do this.. both parties seem co dependent. I truly hope people's good gestures will and care are not being taken advantage of here

All the responses to OP's post have been so constructive yet OP keeps repeating the same excuses not to address. Am wondering if this is a genuine post.. or someone bored to get attention

Well quite !
You would just put a lock on the door, job done.
Very similar to the missing laptop one.
Ignored all the advice so it ran for days.

You realise her getting shitty about you locking your own door (see how ridiculous that reads) is manipulative behaviour. She knows you won’t do anything.

@Pers

She's started her new job today. I've moved the vacuum cleaner, so that won't be a problem.

I'm wfh til Wednesday.

She will notice me locking my door because she'll hear me locking it...She will also ask why, and probably get shirty like I don't trust her and be really upset.

I know she's done a shitty thing by going around my room when I'm out, is it unforgivable? Do I have to live in a house now where I lock my door every time I go out because of this?

I'm so sad about this whole situation. And yes I'm being "wet" because I have to live with this person. I'm not about to get into a slanging match with her. Because I know that's what it'll be.

I will lock my door on Wednesday and let you know what happens.

Not sure some read this, the advice to lock my door will be followed.

I honestly don’t understand why you’re being so reserved about this. You’re not willing to do anything because she’s in fragile health and might ‘go mad’? Then you can’t do anything can you? Accept your stuff is going to be rummaged in and take anything private out with you, as clearly a lock box would trigger her

If she asks why you’re locking your room, just look at her and say ‘because I want to’. If she pushes then tell her because you know she’s been in there. If she gets dramatic so be it.

Ok, sensible advice (not that it will be listened to!) If she asks you about your locked door, answer with a question “why? Is there something you need from in there?” Or just look confused and ask her why she is asking? And every question she asks, answer with a question about why she wants to get into your room!

@BumBurnerBum

You are both invading privacy but in your position I would be cross. Why on earth is she rummaging through your things??

I suppose that because you are only filming in your own room you are probably within your rights though.

OP isn't invading privacy.

She is filming in her own room...where her flatmate should not be!