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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Foraging flatmate

516 replies

Pers · 22/11/2020 14:18

I need some advice, I moved in with a flatmate a few months ago. We share a kitchen and bathroom but are on separate housing contracts. Things were going well at first and we got on well, she's a bit over curious about my life, needing to know my plans etc.

I noticed things have been moved in my room, door open when I left it shut and things like that. I bought a new phone and used the old one occasionally, left it switched on and went to work all day. Came back, noticed it had moved and it had been picked up five times.

Suspicions raised, I have set up a video camera using my old phone and every day that I've been out, my flatmate has been in my room looking around my room, at the letters on my desk, and yesterday I put my letters away in the cupboard and on the video she was going in my cupboards to have a look.

We get on well generally, but I really feel my privacy has been violated, and like an abuse of trust. I don't want to start locking my door as I feel it will change the atmosphere in the house.

She doesn't work but starts a new job on Monday and hopefully it will stop, but somehow I think she'll carry on snooping about in my room.

I've been thinking about getting a glitter bomb to see if she'll open it, which will then open the conversation. I feel like a creep for filming but I wanted to prove my suspicions correct.

How would you recommend to deal with something like this, where the person is perhaps suffering with anxiety, and I don't want to humiliate her but I'm also really annoyed! Would it be unreasonable to deal with this with an explosion of glitter Glitterball

OP posts:
Throckmorton · 23/11/2020 18:55

If your door isn't locked I doubt your insurance is valid. Even if it is, use that as an excuse if she asks why your door is locked. The glitter idea is spectacularly terrible - that is an absolutely cast iron way to create an awful atmosphere in the house and also make you look like the crazy one.

louisejxxx · 23/11/2020 19:00

@SpeckledFrogsLog

Ok, sensible advice (not that it will be listened to!) If she asks you about your locked door, answer with a question “why? Is there something you need from in there?” Or just look confused and ask her why she is asking? And every question she asks, answer with a question about why she wants to get into your room!
This is what I was trying to get at too - every time she asks about it flip it back around to her.
EddyF · 23/11/2020 19:06

I guess we will have to wait until Wed to see what happens.

firedragon101 · 23/11/2020 19:30

You are worried she is going to ask you why you are locking the door. You owe her no explanation, you are being too nice and courteous you can simply say "because I want to" no further discussion needed.you need to start being more assertive if she starts to badger you, you say something along the lines of "I'm not having this discussion now; I'm not having this talk; I don't want to discuss it let's talk about something else etc etc"
op start to take back control of your own life, don't appease her, you don't need to be rude, but need to start having boundaries. Ignore her 'bad' behaviour, she has no power or control over you.
Good luck, I know it's far easier said than done, but you can and will do it.Smile

Lsquiggles · 23/11/2020 20:05

Out of curiosity OP why don't you want to lock your door? I know you've said in your update you will now, but it seems a strange situation. You'd lock your front door of a house (I'd hope) when leaving for work so why not your bedroom door, which in your situation is essentially your front door?

Pers · 23/11/2020 20:10

she'll take it personally, then take it out on me. I know I'm not in the wrong but it will change the relationship probably permanently. We do get on quite well despite this having happened.

I know I'm a people pleaser but I don't want to cause friction.

It's quite funny when I said I'd moved the hoover she said "oh good then I won't feel bad for having to get it out of your room"

It's unbelievable. But how can you continue to live with someone after confronting them. It doesn't seem like something which will be forgotten. Especially since she seems to enjoy looking through my personal things so much.

I am obviously looking to move out as soon as I can but it's pretty difficult, I live in an expensive city with a housing shortage

OP posts:
PrincessNutNut · 23/11/2020 20:17

I know I'm not in the wrong but it will change the relationship probably permanently.

And her going through your room didn't?

doubledeckersarethebest · 23/11/2020 20:23

You didn't film her you had a camera in your room which is not her room. She shouldn't have been in there. End of.

Pers · 23/11/2020 20:26

@PrincessNutNut

Well yes, but I can kind of sympathise with her, she's bored and a bit neurotic.

I'm really laid back, she's really highly strung.

I'm not going to make drama and continue it, however I think she will. It will be my fault for locking the door not her fault for going through my stuff... she'll see me locking the door as being passive aggressive.

Can't argue with crazy though, I know. I could confront her but I don't want a blazing row that will ruin what sense of safety I have left living here.

OP posts:
8obbingabout · 23/11/2020 20:26

Omg that sound horrific and rather creepy. What is she up to?? You have nothing to feel bad about its your bloody room!

Lock the door and find a new house share asap.

You cant trust her. Simple as that.

CSIblonde · 23/11/2020 20:32

Just buy a mini lock box for papers & valuables . If she asks why say you don't know if they're covered on any house insurance you have/don't have. When I rented in a dodgy area I took out separate insurance : cheap, £6 a month as I didn't have much compared to a homeowner. It's a nosiness/ power & control thing I'd say.

MLMbotsgoaway · 23/11/2020 20:55

You know the glitter will be all over your OWN room right?Hmm

simonisnotme · 23/11/2020 21:03

its YOUR room
put a lock on it and tell her to stop being a nosy cow

Hidinge · 23/11/2020 21:22

Can you say you read something about home security/your mum's been badgering you about it...? Then buy a lock for each of your rooms

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 23/11/2020 21:25

Say "omg I was talking to someone today and they said if you don't lock your doors in a house share you invalidate your insurance... So from now on I'll just leave the vacuum in the hall if you need it "

Depending on your acting skills it might still sound made up, but it's still better than glitter bombs

PrincessNutNut · 23/11/2020 21:30

Well look, OP, these are your choices:

  • Do nothing. Housemate will continue to go through your room. You will have no privacy, you will live in a horrible atmosphere, but she'll feel fine.
  • Lock the door and blame the insurers. You get privacy. She will be angry for no reason.
  • Set a booby trap in the room. You'll make a mess in there, she'll be angry and defensive and you can try to convince her that it totally wasn't intended for her. If she's a complete idiot, she might believe you. But you've still got your atmosphere, plus a glittered room, and how are you going to stop her continuing to go into your room after that? What's the post-glitter plan?

Honestly, there is nothing admirable about letting her trample all over your privacy like this. Don't call it people pleasing, that's a terrible term for people who knowingly enable horrible behaviour. If you really don't want to face her being shitty about your door then you're just going to have to put up with her intrusions and tell yourself it's worth it.

LilyLongJohn · 23/11/2020 21:44

I can't believe that you won't lock your door in case you upset her but she's the one going through your stuff!

And this obsession with glitter, if you use this you'll make her look incredibly stupid, she may have to admit it, but it's a forced confession and will create an even bigger rift.

Either talk to her or lock your door. It's her problem if she has an issue with it

MotherWol · 23/11/2020 21:53

I could confront her but I don't want a blazing row that will ruin what sense of safety I have left living here.

Being assertive isn’t the same as being confrontational. Imagine the tone you’d use with an angry/frustrated child: calm and quiet. If she asks why you’ve locked the door, just say my room is private. Please don’t go in when I’m out. If she gets upset and slams the doors, calmly ask her to stop. Never rise to it. Your boundaries are reasonable, and learning to assert them confidently is important.

Ginfordinner · 23/11/2020 22:18

she'll take it personally, then take it out on me. I know I'm not in the wrong but it will change the relationship probably permanently

Are you really sure she will take it personally and massively over react? Or are you catastrophising? Why don't you contact your contents insurer tomorrow when she is at work and ask them to confirm that you need to leave your room locked when you go out. See if you can get it in writing from them, then maybe you will feel validated and have proof that you aren't being horrible to her.

Pers · 23/11/2020 22:24

I moved the vacuum and she said

"Oh good, now I won't have to feel bad about going in to get it"

Unbelievable

OP posts:
Sevo7 · 23/11/2020 22:27

There’s a simple solution to this OP. Buy a pet bird of some description, a Budgie or similar. Lock your door.

When flat mate asks why the door is locked simply explain that Joey is stretching his wings while your at work and you don’t want him to get out. Problem solved.

PrincessNutNut · 23/11/2020 22:30

@Pers

I moved the vacuum and she said

"Oh good, now I won't have to feel bad about going in to get it"

Unbelievable

Why are you surprised?
Bettysnow · 23/11/2020 22:46

Seriously OP you really need to man up here! What she is doing is disgusting and absolutely she should be called out on it!
I imagine if this was you poking through her stuff she would go nuts at you!
How dare she do this! This will get worse unless you put a firm stop to it!
People like this only get worse and quite likely she will start taking your stuff.
If theres an atmosphere after you call her out then that's too bad for her because she created it!
There will be an atmosphere anyway whether you confront her or not because now you know what she's been doing it will be impossible for you to behave naturally around her. Time to stand up for yourself

liveitwell · 23/11/2020 22:58

@Pers

I moved the vacuum and she said

"Oh good, now I won't have to feel bad about going in to get it"

Unbelievable

This post is like speaking to a brick wall. You're not interested in solutions.
N0tthe0nlyfruit · 23/11/2020 22:59

Lock your door, end of the issue.

If she takes umbrage, too bad! She should be ashamed of herself, invading your privacy like this.

OP seriously u need to be firm, assertive and stop anticipating WW3 for doing a VERY reasonable thing in a shared house.

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