Foraging flatmate

[Pers]

I need some advice, I moved in with a flatmate a few months ago. We share a kitchen and bathroom but are on separate housing contracts. Things were going well at first and we got on well, she's a bit over curious about my life, needing to know my plans etc.

I noticed things have been moved in my room, door open when I left it shut and things like that. I bought a new phone and used the old one occasionally, left it switched on and went to work all day. Came back, noticed it had moved and it had been picked up five times.

Suspicions raised, I have set up a video camera using my old phone and every day that I've been out, my flatmate has been in my room looking around my room, at the letters on my desk, and yesterday I put my letters away in the cupboard and on the video she was going in my cupboards to have a look.

We get on well generally, but I really feel my privacy has been violated, and like an abuse of trust. I don't want to start locking my door as I feel it will change the atmosphere in the house.

She doesn't work but starts a new job on Monday and hopefully it will stop, but somehow I think she'll carry on snooping about in my room.

I've been thinking about getting a glitter bomb to see if she'll open it, which will then open the conversation. I feel like a creep for filming but I wanted to prove my suspicions correct.

How would you recommend to deal with something like this, where the person is perhaps suffering with anxiety, and I don't want to humiliate her but I'm also really annoyed! Would it be unreasonable to deal with this with an explosion of glitter

I wouldn't.
If you aren't going to lock your door, get a lockable box to put papers and valuable in. It will send the same message.

WTAF 🤯

The OP has already confirmed she is going to go with locking the door (from Wednesday, when she isn’t WFH), not the glitter bomb. She is just feeling apprehensive about it - understandably in view of the fact that the flatmate doesn’t sound especially reasonable.

OP, if she challenges you when she sees you locking the door, would it help to say, “I thought that now we were both out of the house with you at work too, it would give an extra layer of security in case anyone tried to break in?” If she later suggests you don’t need to lock the door on a day when she’s in, maybe just say it’s force of habit, and you don’t want to risk forgetting when you’re both out.

Just say you have just took out room only contents insurance and is stipulated your door must be locked whilst not at home or it invalidates the cover.

Not sure you want to read the supersoaker thread, NutNut, its even more infuriating than this one, I imagine its in classics or something though.

Does she just stand staring at your door all day then, OP? what a load of old nonsense.

No rubbish about contents insurance. Just 'im locking my door because you go through my room' ffs.

Her room is next to mine, I don't see how that is difficult to understand

Normal people lock their doors. It's why your door has a lock. Any door leading to your private space from a communal area, such as a shared flat, flat hallway, the street. Will have a lock on it, and you're meant to lock it.

If she asks say it came up in conversation with some friends/family and everyone locks their door and thought I was insane for not locking it, guess I never thought about it before. And shrug and change the topic. She's hardly gonna complain she cant root through your stuff anymore!

Hi OP I’m curious about this – why can’t you just tell her that you’re locking the room because someone’s been in there? Or even tell the landlord?

Is it just to avoid the stress and agro of confrontation?

I’m thinking back to houseshare days and In fairness I think it’s easy to forget how stressful house politics can be in a shared place, and how much a horrible atmosphere can affect you getting on with the things you need to do.

Also, I think your flatmate‘s fucking mental and would be seriously considering presenting the evidence to your landlord. What a horrible, privacy-invading creep.

She doesn’t worry about making you feel awkward- so why are you disadvantaging yourself to protect her feelings?

Locking your room is reasonable. You don’t need to explain. If she asks why- you say “I want to leave it locked’.

There doesn’t need to be a confrontation.

"Well yes, but I can kind of sympathise with her, she's bored and a bit neurotic.*

That fucking doesn't mean she should be allowed to go through your personal stuff. Jesus.

You'll lock your door. Good. But you really should examine why that wasn't your first thought instead worrying about atmosphere. She's walking all over you. And you're letting her. You're only getting on because you're allowing this outrageous behaviour.

Following to see what happens tomorrow....

@SweetCruciferous

We don't have a landlord per se, it's a housing association type setup. I'm not in the U.K. actually, but am from there, she's also half british so should know better, maybe it's cultural? :s

Yes, it's to avoid the stress and what I believe will be a sea change in the way she interacts with me. I'd rather keep things friendly and civil, than have total ignorance as I'm expecting. She also slams her door when annoyed and I feel like this will go on for some time after this. It sets my nerves on edge.

Personally, I would just start locking my door and shrug off any interest from her as not being important. Its your door and your choice - you don't need to justify yourself.

But if you don't feel you can do that, there are ways to do it without causing a bad feeling. You could just say you'd read an article on the internet about how poor safety in HMOs is.

Or, you could wait until New Years and make a resolution to form new habits so you can have a healthy and safe 2021:

• always going to bed by X o'clock
• doing some exercise each day
• ...and always remembering to lock your door when you go out.

www.ericberne.com/games-people-play/why-dont-you-yes-but/

Yes, it's to avoid the stress and what I believe will be a sea change in the way she interacts with me. I'd rather keep things friendly and civil, than have total ignorance as I'm expecting. She also slams her door when annoyed and I feel like this will go on for some time after this. It sets my nerves on edge.

It's mad that you're worried about upsetting her when she's been going through your room!

I appreciate that she may feel a little awkward as she might put 2 and 2 together as to why you've started locking the door, but surely her reaction to that is going to be less harsh than if you utterly humiliate her by using a glitter bomb or any other type of booby trap?

In her shoes I'd much rather try the door and find it locked than be completely caught out in such an embarrassing way.

@Pers

I wrote a long reply but it got deleted. Pfff.

But sorry to hear you don’t feel able to report her for breaking into your room. It sounds like a horrible atmosphere to be living in. It’s not cultural. It doesn’t matter what neuroses or mental illnesses she may or may not have, or what her motivation is. It’s all totally irrelevant. Her behaviour is completely unacceptable.

She also sounds quite manipulative and it sounds as though you are walking on eggshells trying to avoid her unleashing unpleasantness and a tense atmosphere. You have solid evidence to have her moved elsewhere. If you choose not to report her I would simply not respond or engage. She sounds absolutely awful.

Could you just cough really loudly every time you turn the lock? 😂

I'm following this excitedly for updates

If I understand this right, if she knows you know she will be embarrassed and might stop, yet she might lash out at you too, which you want to avoid.

I would avoid letting her know you know. Tell her your insurer has sent you a reminder that the door must be kept locked when you are out if your insurance is to be valid. Therefore you are going to start locking the door. You are letting her know because (a) you will have to move the robot hoover out and (b) she might want to start locking her door herself. Stress avoided!

It must be a really loud lock if she can hear you locking it.

I would tell her straight. The older I get and after my experiences it is no good being reasonable with unreasonable people

If she asks why you're locking your door, tell her exactly why.

"You have been snooping round my room. You are my friend but I am entitled to privacy."

Since this is a situation where you know in advance you are likely to face anger, you have an opportunity to find out some techniques to control the situation and your feelings. Even if you still end up feeling uncomfortable, which you shouldn't because your feelings are as important as hers and she is the one in the wrong, ride it out. You will realise that those feelings will pass eventually. You need never be walked over again.

Why are you so scared of her?