Foraging flatmate

[Pers]

I need some advice, I moved in with a flatmate a few months ago. We share a kitchen and bathroom but are on separate housing contracts. Things were going well at first and we got on well, she's a bit over curious about my life, needing to know my plans etc.

I noticed things have been moved in my room, door open when I left it shut and things like that. I bought a new phone and used the old one occasionally, left it switched on and went to work all day. Came back, noticed it had moved and it had been picked up five times.

Suspicions raised, I have set up a video camera using my old phone and every day that I've been out, my flatmate has been in my room looking around my room, at the letters on my desk, and yesterday I put my letters away in the cupboard and on the video she was going in my cupboards to have a look.

We get on well generally, but I really feel my privacy has been violated, and like an abuse of trust. I don't want to start locking my door as I feel it will change the atmosphere in the house.

She doesn't work but starts a new job on Monday and hopefully it will stop, but somehow I think she'll carry on snooping about in my room.

I've been thinking about getting a glitter bomb to see if she'll open it, which will then open the conversation. I feel like a creep for filming but I wanted to prove my suspicions correct.

How would you recommend to deal with something like this, where the person is perhaps suffering with anxiety, and I don't want to humiliate her but I'm also really annoyed! Would it be unreasonable to deal with this with an explosion of glitter

I've read the whole thread and, at first, I was completely in agreement with everybody saying "For goodness' sake, just lock the door" - but I can see that it really isn't that simple - and I don't think all the people saying you sound like a child, you need to grow a pair, this can't be true as nobody is that wet, you're enjoying the attention etc. are actually being very helpful at all.

Just because you're both women and you're not a couple, this sounds to me like it has all the hallmarks of a controlling, abusive relationship. She's been going DARVO on you: gaslighting you, calling you paranoid and getting angry when you try to do something utterly reasonable such as wanting to maintain your privacy - when it's only her hugely overstepping boundaries that have necessitated this in the first place. Her behaviour is making you scared of her and thus wanting to placate her and use silly jokes as a way of sort of making your point, rather than direct confrontation which you are frightened will likely make her kick off.

If your relationship were a different format and she were your husband, of course you wouldn't be locking doors inside a family home, but the same controlling behaviour would just manifest slightly differently: going through your phone and demanding to know who every male name is; suggesting that meeting a friend out for a coffee is a cover for having an affair; telling you you look like a slut and you're clearly trying to impress men every time you don't dress like a nun etc. Every protest you made would be taken as an admission of your own guilt and confirmation that he has very good reason to want to keep you on a short leash and dictate/control your 'acceptable' behaviour.

I may have misunderstood or overreached the situation, but she sounds like she's really toxic and not somebody you want to live with at all. You either want a friend to live with or a neutral housemate who respects your privacy and agency as you do theirs. You certainly don't want somebody who sees it as her house - and your life as an extension of hers - and gets angry at you for having any basic consideration made for you and your needs/preferences.

I know finances are difficult, but I'd look towards leaving as soon as you can. Even if you end up in a less nice place, with more housemates and a smaller room, until you can afford somewhere better - it's got to be worth it for your own peace and sanity and not to have to live treading on eggshells all the time.

OP you have a very great many more years to live, and this crippling compulsion you have to be a doormat is going to mean a miserable existence unless you start to tackle it.

There a plenty of bastards in the world who will sense your weakness and prey on you. It is high time at your age to decide whether to continue as you are (endless placating only to lead to further abuses) or to be brave and start standing up for yourself.

It's your life, so your call. But don't have unrealistic expectations that people will behave with decency when you are bending over backwards trying to accommodate their terrible behaviour. They really won't.

I'd originally hoped that we'd be good friends and we could trust each other and live in a household where I wouldn't have to lock my door and feel like I live in some kind of institution.
Locking your door in a shared house is a totally normal thing to do, you seem to be making it into a far bigger thing than it is and both of you seem to be putting weight on unlocked doors. She's going to kick off if you lock it, you are considering doing all these random pranks to avoid locking the door.
Just give her a heads up that your moving the hoover to wherever as you want to lock the the door for security when you are out.

maybe I attract these kinds of people

in honesty, no. you dont attract them, because chancers try with everybody, but only those who have no boundaries can be chanced.

what you have is a lack of assertion, and a falling over yourself to not cause any problems at all, to the detriment of yourself, rather than confront someone elses out of order behaviour.

I do realise that there may be repercussions because she may kick off - but actually she is right, isnt she - she asked if you have problems and you are 'being nice and saying no' but I suspect the things that caused the other 'adult conversations' and her resultant behaviour are all niggling. she has you walking on eggshells and wasting tons of your time trying to think about how to stop her.

Its not very healthy. Not for you, and she is carrying on because, to be blunt, she can. Having MH issues doesnt excuse her stropping and sulking and slamming.

Id take a look into getting a bit of therapy around assertiveness and getting that guilt monkey off your back. There is another thread going on at the moment - a girl who has been having an affair and tried to end it, and it might be worth reading through. It has a similar feel around a different subject. But basically someone acting really inappropriately, and the OP seemingly frozen by the guilt of notr being nice is being walked over

Ok OP I’ve read all your posts and you’re right, it’s a hard situation to be in. To be honest she sounds like she could be a fragile and volatile character anyway and you’ll be treading on eggshells about something or another until you end up moving out.

So you need to take control. Lock my door as PPs have said. When she asks about it look confused as if you consider it to be a perfectly normal thing to do. If she gets shitty about it calmly explain that it’s what you would ordinarily do. It’s nothing to do with what you think about her, or anything else, just that you have the right to lock your door and you have. Then end the conversation. If she carries on, ask her why she has a problem with it. Reiterate it had nothing to do with you not trusting her. She can either say there’s no problem or she can ‘fess up. Either way the door is staying locked. Offer to move the vacuum cleaner to a communal room and tell her she’s welcome to use it.

Don’t fuck about with plans to catch her out. Be direct, nip it in the bud. Let her know you’re not the one to play games with.

calling you paranoid and getting angry when you try to do something utterly reasonable such as wanting to maintain your privacy

The flatmate hasn't called OP paranoid, in fact, the OP has called the flatmate paranoid.

@Pers

I find that the glitter bomb will be the only way for her to actually admit what she's done

I don't want to admit to filming her actually because I feel like the creep

Her excuse will be, "There was something making these weird noises in your room, so I went in to see what it was and see if I could stop it..."

A glitter bomb is probably the worst thing you can do.

1. it will embarrass her
2. it will be obvious it was intended for her unless you regularly have friends coming over with a key letting themselves into your room
3. it's really immature.

Just lock your door and be done with it. She clearly has no respect for you anyway so it's nothing lost.

The only way there won't be an atmosphere is if you let her continue and you just pretend you don't know. Which obviously isn't possible.

The atmosphere is all on her.

Ps... Give up on the idea of the glitter bomb. It's a bad idea!

The flatmate hasn't called OP paranoid, in fact, the OP has called the flatmate paranoid.

That's how gaslighting and DARVO work. As I say, I might be massively over-reaching, but she sounds controlling to me. Acting unreasonably towards somebody and then turning on the tears or anger at 'how they could treat you like this' when pulled up on it is a real red flag.

It's not normal for those type of house shares with separate contracts not to have Yale locks on the rooms. I would speak to the landlord and get it sorted asap.

Lock the door. If she asks why then tell her that you know she's been going through your stuff. That you set up a camera because stuff had been moved and you wanted to know who had been coming in. It is this easy. If she takes issue with it then its on her.

I agree with everyone else about looking the door, but you sound uncomfortable about that. would another option be to buy a lockable strongbox and putting it in your room? You can then store your personal docs safely. Can't see how she can be annoyed about that...

Oh God.

Both parties are problematic in their own way I think.

I'd move out asap OP. Locking the door is not working for you, simple as it is.

would another option be to buy a lockable strongbox and putting it in your room? You can then store your personal docs safely. Can't see how she can be annoyed about that...

As she seriously lacks boundaries, she could easily still make it all about her and accuse OP of being petty and ridiculous and (justifiably) not trusting her.

She will make a million excuses as to why she was in your room when a glitter bomb went off. She is not going to admit it.

So you lock your room, what’s she going to do? Say ‘why are you locking your room now?’.

I don't understand why you need to get evidence other than the video, when you can just mention the skate phone being used...

Spare!

Lock the door and say you've changed contents insurance providers.

If she gets angry just get angrier!
Woman up, you are being pathetic.

I cannot help posting here although I think it is all rubbish.

So for the last time OP...... LOCK THE FKN DOOR.

If you refuse to do that, there is no other sensible solution other than you move out stat.

I guess you are enjoying the attention anyway, lol.

Lock the door, and tell her that it's because you don't want her going in your room.

Simples.

So I guess I'll just have to suck it up for now.

Why? Why do you just have to suck it up?

She has no right to be snooping through your personal possessions. If she doesn't realise that this is not on, then you need to tell her.

You asked for advice and you have had lots of it, but you are adamant that you will just let things carry on as they are.

Stop being such a bloody wimp.

I know you said you’re on different contracts, but can you not complain to your landlord? They can perhaps intervene and say for insurance doors must be locked and then you get a locked door but no bad atmosphere?

@Pers

So I've ordered two things which could potentially be both cruel but hilarious...

A card which is rigged to play sex noises when opened, and it won't stop, for 4 hours until the battery dies. When ripped open to shut it up, the hidden glitter will come out. A bit evil though.

Another possibility is a glitter cannon when unscrews unleashed a shit ton of glitter...all over my room though.

What go to such extremes as a first point of call.

Plenty of other things you can do as an intervention before you trash your own belongings.

Tell her to keep out of your room.

Show her the evidence.

Lock your door.

Move.

Could you dismantle her room while she’s out and replace her bedroom door with a one-way locking one. Then when she enters her room she will be outside and you can quickly dress as a clown and when she attempts to come back in the front you could scream “glitter bombs are too good for you Satan!”

Or something sensible like that.