Foraging flatmate

[Pers]

I need some advice, I moved in with a flatmate a few months ago. We share a kitchen and bathroom but are on separate housing contracts. Things were going well at first and we got on well, she's a bit over curious about my life, needing to know my plans etc.

I noticed things have been moved in my room, door open when I left it shut and things like that. I bought a new phone and used the old one occasionally, left it switched on and went to work all day. Came back, noticed it had moved and it had been picked up five times.

Suspicions raised, I have set up a video camera using my old phone and every day that I've been out, my flatmate has been in my room looking around my room, at the letters on my desk, and yesterday I put my letters away in the cupboard and on the video she was going in my cupboards to have a look.

We get on well generally, but I really feel my privacy has been violated, and like an abuse of trust. I don't want to start locking my door as I feel it will change the atmosphere in the house.

She doesn't work but starts a new job on Monday and hopefully it will stop, but somehow I think she'll carry on snooping about in my room.

I've been thinking about getting a glitter bomb to see if she'll open it, which will then open the conversation. I feel like a creep for filming but I wanted to prove my suspicions correct.

How would you recommend to deal with something like this, where the person is perhaps suffering with anxiety, and I don't want to humiliate her but I'm also really annoyed! Would it be unreasonable to deal with this with an explosion of glitter

OP I suggest that you hand over all your banking and personal details to your flat mate immediately. Get an extra debit card for your account and make sure you give her the pin.

or just lock the fucking door

Glitter bomb! Do it!🤣

Just mention causaully that things are being moved, has she been in your room. The if she denys it and carries on, say its stressing you out as you think there is a ghost. Then glitter bomb. She will get the hint

leave her your payslips bank statements bank cards ... car keys ... hell let her shag your boyfriend...

and why not... because saying no might offend her right 🤔

I think you need to think about Why you so scared of her becoming angry?

Unless you're living with Nurse Ratched... you need to say SOMETHING !?

If you keep the vacuum cleaner in your room she has a reason to go in there.
So, first of all put the vacuum cleaner somewhere else in the flat
Second of all, buy a lockable box to keep valuable documents in so she can't rummage through those
Third of all grow a spine and LOCK THE DOOR

The insurance reason is a perfectly valid one, and she has no right to sulk about that.

I haven't looked at your other threads, but if you have had this happen to you before it is because you have "treat me like a door mat" written all over your face.

How about you continue filming.. eventually she will pick up the phone and see her face staring back at herself. You will get a notification and also see her face in real time.

Then when you get home, just ask: “Hey, what do you feel like for dinner?”

No conversations needed.

@Pers do you suffer with social skills? A glitter bomb or any other trap is a terrible idea. Just have an honest conversation like adults.

Can you tell your landlord? Surely that is enough for him to revoke her tenancy agreement.

She'll take offence and I'll have to live with her if I just lock my door

This is utterly ridiculous. She’ll take offence that you have locked you own door preventing her from rummaging.

The glitter bomb thing is just silly, not only because you’re going to have to clear it up but also because she’ll probably just say she was looking for the hoover. It will backfire.

Just lock the door for goodness sake.

Lock your door.
If she has the cheek to ask about it say "I noticed some things have been moved in my room, and my insurance is invalid if I don't lock my door"

A locked briefcase for any documents is a good idea in any house share. You can hide it under your bed/back of the wardrobe.

What do you think she’s looking for?

Is she just curious/bored? Is she suspicious of you or paranoid you’re hiding something in your room?

It’s odd she’s looking through your paperwork. I could understand her coming in to look at artwork on your walls, or a collection of something that fascinates her eg books or rocks or clothes or fancy ornaments or whatever she’s into. But looking at private paperwork suggests she might be after something less innocent!

Has she ever taken anything or just looked?

My XMil used to come in and feed our pets while we were away, she had a habit of wandering around our bedroom and moving things, tidying up, dusting, once she even tidied XH’s and my sock drawer! But she was open about it, saying we left it in a mess. She had no concept of privacy.

Your flatmate sounds a bit sinister. As she has to go in your room to get the hoover it’s understandable she might stop and look at something but going in daily and searching for letters rings warning bells.

I’d tell her you’re worried somebody’s breaking in and suggest changing the lock on the front door as your stuff keeps being moved. See if she confesses. Or say you think your room must be haunted!

And move the hoover, so she has no reason to enter your room.

I think you are getting a bit of an unwarranted pasting here OP.

Have been in your shoes before and found there is no way to reason with the unreasonable i’e someone with the mindset of your flatmate.

Whatever route you go down, she will find a way to make it your fault & be the victim.

The only way to truly deal with it is to get away from her & this living situation.

Pain in the backside considering that the accommodation suits you perfectly for financial reasons but your peace of mind is important too.

Could you start to entertain the idea of moving out at all, just having a look around places such as spare room to see what is possible/available?

Best of luck & strength to you in the meantime.

I think you’re very fixated on catching her ‘red-handed’ but as others said this glitter bomb won’t be the answer you think it is. She’s going to go into panic mode once this bomb goes off (so not great mental health wise for a start). She’s going to use the hoover to vacuum up all

Even tho I suggested the present idea, I'm an immature cow who would probably do the glitter bomb first.... 😂

Take the hoover to work with you, glitter bomb, and film it just to watch her panic 🙈 sorry

Move hoover, lock door.

Its your room. Not a shared room of the house so just lock it. Glitter bombs, sex cards etc is ridiculous.

If she takes the hump over you locking the door, ignore it or ask why she cares.

Does she have friends over? Can you talk to her and say you've noticed that someone has been in your room, maybe someone she's had over, and that you are going to start locking your door?

Or, just lock your door, because she will only know if she tries to go in your room, which of course she doesn't!

Or, leave a massive sex toy on in pride of place. See if she mentions it.

Sorry! Vacuum up the glitter and she’ll have a shower.

What do you say then? ‘Uhh where is my glitter bomb?’ ‘Oh I don’t know’ or ‘it must have rolled off your desk and gone off.’ Locking the door is right, you just need confidence that you are in the right and also find a bit of your own ‘door slamming’ anger that she has been so cheeky as to invade your personal space. She obviously is not at all worried about you getting upset?

@NettleTea

why would there be an atmosphere if you lock the door. She has no need to go into your room, and therefore no need to be trying the door.

Yes, I mean I know she IS going in there, but why an atmosphere? Whats she going to say ' why cant I get in your room??'

Just lock it

This with bells on.

The suggestion that she is selling your details on the dark web is bloody funny.
If you do the odd business of sex cards and glitter bombs, she will just say she set the vacuum off by accident and it nudged your stuff. She isn’t going to say “busted!” whilst shedding sparkly dandruff for eternity.

I'd originally hoped that we'd be good friends and we could trust each other and live in a household where I wouldn't have to lock my door and feel like I live in some kind of institution.

This has proven not to be, and I'm really sad that it has come to this and I'm sad that it's lead me to entertaining ideas of revenge, to catch her red handed so I can deflect the anger from doing something so arbitrary as locking my door (which I shouldn't really have to do).

@BibiBlocksberg thanks for the wisdom, it's appreciated, and yes I'm working on trying to leave.

I think she's just nosy and bored, I don't think there's much more to it, but it does make me feel extremely uncomfortable. So I guess I'll just have to suck it up for now.

I'd rather just have a peaceful household, and by suddenly locking the door it's going to upset her and make her ask me a million questions.

So? Why aren't you allowed to be upset about what she's doing? Either use the insurance excuse or tell her the truth. And if she keeps on at you, tell her you've already answered and don't want to keep going over it. If she wants to sulk, then let her.

I am angry about her looking through my stuff, but I don't think confrontation will help and she'll be in a grot for a month, and accuse me of not trusting her, it's hard to explain the situation anyway.

Look, I get it. Living with someone like this must be awfully trying, but you shouldn't have to just supress your feelings and rights to privacy just to appease her. That way madness lies.

You might find that sticking up for yourself gives you a bit more confidence, and maybe when she realises you're not actually as wet as an otter's pocket and you aren't going to roll over and let her do whatever she wants it might make her think about her actions.

Just lock the door. Unless she sees you doing it, she's not even going to know unless she tries to get in. What's she going to say? Hey I tried your door but couldn't get in as you locked it? 😆