Foraging flatmate

[Pers]

I need some advice, I moved in with a flatmate a few months ago. We share a kitchen and bathroom but are on separate housing contracts. Things were going well at first and we got on well, she's a bit over curious about my life, needing to know my plans etc.

I noticed things have been moved in my room, door open when I left it shut and things like that. I bought a new phone and used the old one occasionally, left it switched on and went to work all day. Came back, noticed it had moved and it had been picked up five times.

Suspicions raised, I have set up a video camera using my old phone and every day that I've been out, my flatmate has been in my room looking around my room, at the letters on my desk, and yesterday I put my letters away in the cupboard and on the video she was going in my cupboards to have a look.

We get on well generally, but I really feel my privacy has been violated, and like an abuse of trust. I don't want to start locking my door as I feel it will change the atmosphere in the house.

She doesn't work but starts a new job on Monday and hopefully it will stop, but somehow I think she'll carry on snooping about in my room.

I've been thinking about getting a glitter bomb to see if she'll open it, which will then open the conversation. I feel like a creep for filming but I wanted to prove my suspicions correct.

How would you recommend to deal with something like this, where the person is perhaps suffering with anxiety, and I don't want to humiliate her but I'm also really annoyed! Would it be unreasonable to deal with this with an explosion of glitter

If you really don't want the confrontation tell her you know that someone is going in your room. Ask if she thinks anyone has been in hers. Suggest it must be the landlord and your going to keep your door locked in future.

The more I read the more I think you're liking the attention of her being interested enough to snoop through your things

She'll probably be angry.... I'd rather just have a peaceful household,

I read a thing about teenagers once: “Petulance is their only weapon.” It’s your flatmate’s only weapon too. I reckon it’d play out like this:

Step 1: you move the hoover and lock your door
2: flatmate says WTF
3: you calmly explain about insurance
4: flatmate makes a huge deal out of tripping over hoover/sighing at hoover/rolling eyes at hoover/bitching about hoover in its new spot.
5: you suggest you keep hoover in your room and she asks when she wants to use it.
6: she... actually, I don’t know what she’ll do next.

OP has something happened before which makes you think she's going to kick off and be angry?

[quote Pers]@RedToothBrush

I don't want to hurt her, I just want her to think twice about what she's doing [/quote]
Yes.

What says keep out of my room best, wise readers of MN?:

a) A glitterbomb booby trap
b) A grown up adult conversation about a problem
c) A locked door

Place your votes here.

Hmm. Yes. Difficult decision this one.

@MacbookHo

You're spot on, thanks for the advice

I'm just worried it will change the relationship to the point where it'll be miserable to live here (more than now). Constant slamming doors and atmosphere, and it will remain that way until I find somewhere else to live, I have no idea when that will be.

Lock the door and if she asks just say your Christmas present is in there.

That can be kept up until Xmas then just keep it locked. If she says anything just say "Habit sorry"

@slashlover there's many examples of petty things which have resulted in door slamming, and silent treatment, and paranoid behaviour. She asked if I was mad at her and I said "no, I'll tell you if I am" she said "I don't believe that you will" I don't know what to do then... there's no right answer

We've had 'grown up' conversations but the behaviour seems to be getting worse, there's no easy solution.

A locked door creates paranoia, a conversation doesn't seem to resolve anything, and a glitter bomb also probably won't lead to an admission of fault either, that is true.

@PepsiLola

This is actually a really good suggestion, thanks!

@veeeeh

I don't know who is worse, OP or the flatmate.

LOCK THE FKN DOOR.

But I think you are spinning a yarn and enjoying all the attention you are getting from readers.

This. Don't believe a word of this. Then again, there are some strange people around. What's difficult to believe is the passive behavior. Grow up and grow a backbone.

So she's going to kick off whatever you do so just lock the door then.

@slashlover

This is true, but I'm looking for the option that will get the least reaction

This is true, but I'm looking for the option that will get the least reaction

I would have thought the option which doesn't let her know that you're aware she was in your room, leaves her with some dignity and allows you to blame it on someone else. If only there was an option which did all of those things.

I know, maybe blame is on the insurance and locking your door? Honestly, there are nearly 300 posts and this is clearly the most sensible option.

Stop boobytrapping your room like a child and lock your bloody door.

If I left my front door unlocked and someone wandered in and went through my stuff I wouldn't glitter bomb my own front room I'd lock my door.

I'm looking for the option that will get the least reaction

What reaction do you think a glitter bomb would elicit from this anxious, paranoid, mentally fragile person?

“Whoops! Ah, ya got me! Welp, lesson learned I guess, good one. Shall I put the kettle on?”

Did you grow up in a shouty household, or with a parent who withdrew their love and approval if they were annoyed by you? I did, and I grew up to be a peacekeeper/atmosphere-avoider like you. So I do get it. But this is not your fault, you’ve done nothing wrong! That might make it easier for you to withstand the atmosphere because you’ll know you’re in the right.

And that Xmas present suggestion is GENIUS.

I did kind of want to catch her red handed though

you did better ..... you caught her red handed and on film... police can use this as evidence...

Leave this is your top drawer.

@MacbookHo

That's a really astute observation and true for me. I do think going forward that I'm just going to have to withstand the fallout from this, and leave when I can.

Thanks so much for your wisdom, everyone

@NettleTea

I lock the door and it causes a confrontation and I'll be the devil of the piece

see this IS mental.

she will confront you about locking your own private room?

Put the roomba in the kitchen cupboard. Lock your door. Say insurance if she asks why if you dont want to accuse, because with the glitter bomb 'forcing her to admit it' you are going to make any confrontation 100x worse. Humiliating someone who you suspect of having fragile MH is never going to be a good look, and far more the villian

Agree with this. It's not on to humiliate someone who you say may be vulnerable with mental health issues.

It seems you don't actually want to have this conversation, it doesn't have to be confrontational ?? Just lock the door and if she asks why ask her why it matters?

@Pers

I only wanted to see if I was right, which I was but yeah she'd be super embarrassed to find out I'd filmed it.

I'm not really sure why she keeps going in my room? Has anyone experience or knowledge of this? Is it a mental health thing?

Not everything is a 'mental health thing'! Some people are nosy and have no boundaries.

Confront her and lock your door!

[quote Pers]@RedToothBrush

I don't want to hurt her, I just want her to think twice about what she's doing [/quote]
Why do you care?

She's crossed so many lines it's not even funny.

If you're old enough to live on your own you're old enough to set boundaries and not allow people to invade your privacy.

[quote Pers]@slashlover

This is true, but I'm looking for the option that will get the least reaction [/quote]
As a matter of interest, OP. How old are you?