Foraging flatmate

[Pers]

I need some advice, I moved in with a flatmate a few months ago. We share a kitchen and bathroom but are on separate housing contracts. Things were going well at first and we got on well, she's a bit over curious about my life, needing to know my plans etc.

I noticed things have been moved in my room, door open when I left it shut and things like that. I bought a new phone and used the old one occasionally, left it switched on and went to work all day. Came back, noticed it had moved and it had been picked up five times.

Suspicions raised, I have set up a video camera using my old phone and every day that I've been out, my flatmate has been in my room looking around my room, at the letters on my desk, and yesterday I put my letters away in the cupboard and on the video she was going in my cupboards to have a look.

We get on well generally, but I really feel my privacy has been violated, and like an abuse of trust. I don't want to start locking my door as I feel it will change the atmosphere in the house.

She doesn't work but starts a new job on Monday and hopefully it will stop, but somehow I think she'll carry on snooping about in my room.

I've been thinking about getting a glitter bomb to see if she'll open it, which will then open the conversation. I feel like a creep for filming but I wanted to prove my suspicions correct.

How would you recommend to deal with something like this, where the person is perhaps suffering with anxiety, and I don't want to humiliate her but I'm also really annoyed! Would it be unreasonable to deal with this with an explosion of glitter

If you just start locking your bedroom door, that’s likely be all you need to do.

Best case scenario is she’s basically honest but a bit nosey and inclined to push boundaries if she thinks she can get away with it. She’s maybe got a bit of a cusps borderline personality disorder or adhd or something and has a habit of secret risky behaviour that she is in denial about. Trying your door and finding it locked will make her blood run cold, cause she’ll realise you know and she’s fucked up and she’ll be scared you’ll confront her and feel really really bad about herself. Likely if you never mention it, she’ll never mention it. Too deep in denial.

Next scenario, she’ll worry herself silly and eventually fess up and apologise herself with lots of tears. That’d probably do her good. She maybe needs a wake up call to resist temptations and risky behaviour in her life, before she gets into worse habits.

But If you lock your door and get a confrontational negative response, then you’re dealing with a sociopath and I’d probably start looking for a new place to live pronto.

@SnowdogFarts

I know! It's mad, but I just don't want the grief

I just came out of a controlling relationship, from
The frying pan, into the frying pan... maybe I attract these kinds of people

I had sympathy for you at the start, OP, but now I'm thinking that if you won't lock your door, even while blaming the insurance company, then maybe you deserve to have her going through all your stuff because you won't do even the simplest thing that can easily be pinned on a load of faceless people in suits.

If you want your calm and easy atmosphere (for whom?) then you've got it. You don't NEED to get underhanded and blame-dodging with booby traps, which, if they work, will set off whatever behaviour from her that you claim you can't handle if you lock the door. Even if she believes you when you say the glitter bomb wasn't a trap for her (and she would have to be an idiot to believe that), she's still been shown up. You think she'll react better to that than a locked door?

You could just LOCK THE DOOR AND BLAME THE INSURERS. If you aren't prepared to do even that, if you think that'll set off reactions that a glitter bomb and sex noise card won't, then I guess you have to either set the booby traps or just put up with her invading your privacy, because those appear to be preferable to you!

How is her behaviour when she's looking around in your room? Is she searching like she's looking for something in particular or just mooching about? If it's the latter she sounds like she could feel a bit lonely or bored and snooping through your life makes her feel better. It's not right on her part but if nothing is missing or damaged then glitter bombing her may make her feel worse about her life. She may not even realise she's doing anything really wrong if she shared a room growing up. She may think you two are close enough to be allowed to cross lines like this. Maybe it's best to just keep your door locked and don't mention it.

Lock the door. If she asks why the door is locked ask her why she tried the door to know it is locked.

@wendywoopywoo222

I'll have to move the hoover first and deal with the million questions and aggro as to why I'm doing so...

[quote Pers]@Horsemad thanks for the advice, I will once I have the money to [/quote]
You're welcome OP

@Floridana

This is a really nice, genuine reply, and part of my dilemma. She's just bored and lonely I guess.

I kind of want her to get caught red handed then there's no denying it but I thought you wanted a harmonious relationship and didn't want to affect her anxiety?

As opposed to me just locking my door and being the weird one

Yeah well that ship has already sailed OP

Oh and is this thread the glitter equivalent of the poo troll?

You're not really coming at this problem as an adult, OP.

Just lock your room from now on, as you have every right to do. If she questions it tell her that things had been moved around in your room and it made you uneasy.

@CooperLooper

God this is like that super soaker thread, but rather than the OP being obsessed with a super soaker this OP is obsessed with a glitter cannon and isn't listening to anybody's advice 🙄

Why hasn't anyone suggested a bucket of water on top of the door? I think we are missing all the sensible suggestions here.

Or a booby trap that will burn her hand when she puts it on the doorknob, plastic wrap is covered with glue or a pet tarantula in the drawer

If she gets caught maybe she'll admit fault, rather than looking at me as one who is locking doors and creating atmosphere

But I'll lock the door tomorrow and see how it goes

Thanks for the suggestions, it's been helpful!

www.wikihow.com/Make-a-Beginner-Boobie-Trap
How to Make a Beginner Boobie Trap

@RedToothBrush

I don't want to hurt her, I just want her to think twice about what she's doing

maybe I attract these kinds of people

Yes, because they know that you will be reluctant to confront them, so you are an easy target.

Take control. Lock your door.

If she's paranoid enough to get anger that you locked the door, even when blaming the insurers, she's paranoid enough to think any booby traps was indeed laid for her. And she would be right, because she knows what she's doing is wrong and she should indeed be paranoid about it.

Good to see you've decided to own your absolute perfect right to protect your privacy without attempting to dodge any responsibility for it through sex cards and glitter bombs in your own room and what the fuck. It goes without saying that you also need to move out and get away from this loony as quickly as your circumstances allow.

"Locking the door will create an atmosphere" so does rummaging through someone else's things surely?!

Just lock the door and tell her your mum said it's better to do this as there was an incident with someone keep going through their flat mates things whilst flatmate was out

Lock. The. Door.

The thought of tip-toeing around someone like this when it's not even a loved one!

I'd be infuriated that she thought she could go through my things without permission. Lock the door or get out of this situation. Unless you find it livable. It takes all kinds.

Sorry that this is happening to you OP.
I know you just want an easy life - not an unreasonable ask at all is it.

You will have to be a little bit brave though.
Saying something like "I'm going to lock my room from now on. I know you've been in there. I'm not going to discuss it because we live together so I'm going to be the bigger person, but it's stopping now, ok?"

Just lock your door! Asserting your boundaries isn’t wrong. She’s changed the atmosphere in the flat by violating your privacy, you’re just preventing her from doing it again.

It's not livable but I'm stuck, just trying to figure out the best way to deal with this, with the least anger directed at me, as possible

This all sounds horribly immature and I don't believe it's true. If it is, you want to glitter bomb her to embarrass her and catch it on camera for good measure which is a shitty thing to do to someone (especially someone who isn't in a good head space and you call a friend).

You're an adult, you don't need an excuse to want privacy and lock your own door.