Would you let your teen son's girlfriend move in?

[Busymum45]

Basically ds19 met this girl a while back (sort of knew from school) and she came to stop over one night mid October and hasnt left. She gradually moved in and is just here, on my son's small bedroom with him. She isnt working much, ds has a pt time as on a year out, when he goes to work she just sits in his room all day in the dark. Started piling her washing on the washing basket now. I'm cooking for all of us each night and her food vegetarian, (5 of us in the home).

I asked about some money but apparently she has none, doesn't come out of son's room as she is depressed.

Son and my dh have had a few clashes and heated run ins lately too and not sure if her being here so much is causing more problems, i,e dh jokes about and ds doesn't like it around the gf, ds also texted my dh and said dont touch my gf....

Dh unable to do much atm as had major surgery and more to come so I am doing everything. My younger child 16 wants her to go back home.

I am now feeling at the end of my tether and thinking about saying enough is enough time to go home now but can stay over a few nights a week if she wants.

AIBU??

No chance would she be staying, she probably used the same behaviour to her parents.
Either she moves home. Or she gets a job and pays rent.
Your son also needs to do more

Pack all of her dirty clothes into a bag and tell your son that she is not to stay any longer because they are both just taking the piss

Have you not got any compassion. You can approach it more tactfully than this. Your home might be a sanctuary for her escaping abuse in her home or human trafficking etc

@BubblyBarbara I've seen some hyperbole and conjecture on MN but suggesting human trafficking takes the

What I find strange is the complete lack of discussion about this after night one. So OP's DS not asking if she can stay a lot longer.
That just would not happen in this house I would have told DS no she can't stay any longer or indefinitely.

And the fact that the adult DS seems to think that inviting someone to stay rent free with meals and washing done by his Mother is perfectly normal. It's really not.

@CoronaIsWatching

Throw her out today, if your ds doesn't like it throw him out too

Healthy approach...

I agree that human trafficking is quite a leap.

Well OP seemed to have little idea of this girls back story. She’s depressed. But yes, chuck her out on the street without a second care. You would treat a stray cat better..

It wasn’t that long ago everyone was shouting out about being kind to each other.

@Busymum45 I’d suggest she gets support for her mental health. And tactfully ask her to move back home if it isn’t suiting you and your family dynamics.

Also remember finding work at the moment is difficult- we received 350 applicants for a warehouse job last week!

Also don’t you think the weird comment from DS to DH about “not touching her” comes from somewhere? I think the DS might not even be in a typical relationship with her but is protecting her from something and you need to find out what

There's no need to be harsh. You can have a calm chat and explain that the gf doesn't actually live there and it's now time to go home.

@BubblyBarbara

Well OP seemed to have little idea of this girls back story. She’s depressed. But yes, chuck her out on the street without a second care. You would treat a stray cat better..

If OP's DS had explained there was a massive problem in the GF's family home and she was very depressed please could she come and stay and could OP help her then that would be one thing.

But to go from staying one night, nothing explained at all about a back story and adding an extra member of the household to one where there is someone recovering from major surgery and about to have more is entirely another. Without any discussion at all? Nope not on.

Not read the whole thread, but I would be worried your son is in out of his depth. He met her recently and she has moved in, is depressed, hardly leaves his room and seems totally dependant on him. That is an awful lot for a 19 year old (who has also suffered MH issues) to take on. I wonder if this has escalated and he doesn't know what the heck to do. I do worry for the girl, but your priority is your son. Could you talk to him alone and ask him if this is what he wants?

Sorry OP, my mistake, it’s her REAL dad she lives with and her STEPmother. Well that’s a bit better.

Ok in that case sexual abuse at her home is less likely however she could have been abused elsewhere.

I’d still tell your DH not to touch her at all. The girl is allowed to have boundaries. Although it sounds like she’s got no confidence to say it to him herself.

Speak to your son. See if he sees a future with her. Or if it’s friendly concern that’s keeping them together as he doesn’t love her. That if her mental health was better that she’d be able to deal with life better. And get her down to the doctors for meds, preferably anti-depressants.

And remind your son that no form of contraception is 100%. That if they have sex there is a good chances she may fall pregnant and they could be tied together forever and his life would become much more expensive providing for the baby for many years. Use condoms as well as whatever pills or implants she’s on.

If he sees a future with her get him and her together and tell them that they can’t stay with you forever and this was a temporary thing. That in future you expect the both of them to start doing chores and taking a turn doing cooking. That this will prepare them for when they get their own flat. (At least cooking for just themselves or you can say for all of you, it’s up to you, but I’d say just themselves and you’ll do DH and your own tea as you can serve it when it suits you not them!). Their own cooking. Even when they are tired. Because once they live together that’s what life will be like and they need to learn.

Tell them food and bills are expensive so for their own sake they need to be both working more hours. And you will take digs money off them of x amount per week/month as in the real world that’s what life is like. You may find that’s enough pressure that she decides she has it easier at home and leaves!

If she’s given anti-d’s by the doctor they take 3 weeks to kick in. After that she should feel better. Perhaps your moving out plans could be for round about that date. So she’s better placed mentally.

If your son doesn’t see a future with her you need to get a leaving date sorted out. Perhaps for her to go home in time for Christmas. If he does see a future then that leaving date could be accompanied by a number of overnight stays you will allow in future.

Not saying that if it is then you should accept it, but I would talk to him first.

How did the situation even come about? Did either of them ever actually ask if it was ok for her to stay long term? If not then I would be having a conversation with ds first asking why he never asked permission to move her in. I appreciate she has mental health problems, but if she’s just stayed and neither have ever thought to ask you and your dh if anyone minds, then ds is a bit rich to be throwing a strop about things.

I'm not sure I'd like your DHs joking around either, nor would my 9 year old and I don't think it's a big deal saying don't touch. Your DH should respect that.

Sounds like a family meeting with expectations is well over due. Let both your boys know what the score is with friends / girlfriends staying over. Once or twice a week with permission first and not on a school / work night or whatever you're happy with.

Same with rent / board and work expectations. Are you happy that your son only works part time during his gap year? In our home it was always full time work (and pay board) or full time employment.

@louisejxxx

How did the situation even come about? Did either of them ever actually ask if it was ok for her to stay long term? If not then I would be having a conversation with ds first asking why he never asked permission to move her in. I appreciate she has mental health problems, but if she’s just stayed and neither have ever thought to ask you and your dh if anyone minds, then ds is a bit rich to be throwing a strop about things.

Exactly. I have a nearly 19 year old DS and he wouldn't dream of doing this. He would know without even asking that it would be a no from me. And I don't have a DH in surgery recovery or a 16 year old to consider.

I'm not sure I'd like your DHs joking around either, nor would my 9 year old and I don't think it's a big deal saying don't touch. Your DH should respect that.

I call bullshit on this...

its a deflection of the fact his GF has way over stayed her welcome... and when your Son has his own home or pays his and GF's way... then he can determine whats a joke and whats not 🌺

I'm another who thinks your husband should have a good long think about the way he is with people in general, never mind his son's girlfriend. Not many girls would like someone to act like that. However it's up to her to get out of your house.

Your dh sounds like my FIL. It feels creepy even if it’s not intended to be.

I'd have said, "Isn't your mother expecting you back?"on Day 2. Your son will probably be relieved as I can't imagine any 19-year-old wants a depressed girl hanging around 24/7. And I wouldn't have her back several nights a week - she has out-stayed her welcome and they can live together when they can pay their own rent.

You can also offer to sit down with them and help them to work out a budget of how to get their own place, if that's what your DS wants.

He may be creepy but to be honest, if you don’t like your hosts, don’t move in with them

She may be having her own problems at her house but OPs home us not a support agency neither does she has any duty of care/obligation towards this girl.

This happened to someone i know. The girlfriend is still there, 5 years later. Neither of them pay rent. No keep is being paid and parents want them out but every time the topic comes up either the son or the gf suddenly have a bout of depression come on so the conversation goes away.
I know that will come across as hugely cold and unsympathetic but unfortunately thats whats happening and the parents are so scared of 'upsetting them when they are already fragile' they are letting themselves be manipulated - the son and gf spend all their money on fancy gadgets etc so there's 'no money' to move out. Its driven a huge rift between the parents and the other siblings who have offered to support the son and gf in moving out/getting MH support but nothing ever changes. This isnt the only family i know with this issue either.

If this post said that it was a DD whose bf had moved in and refused to let her out of his sight, spent all his time with her, never let her see friends etc people would be saying she needs to get him out as this is a red flag and the DD is likely being abused by this guy.

Yet a DS moves a girl in who is exhibiting the exact same red flag behaviours and she deserves sympathy and the DH is out of order?

OP your DS sounds as if he’s in an abusive relationship with this girl.

More importantly, your sixteen year old is also being affected by it.

you need to get her out today and if your DS decides to go with her, well he’s an adult and there’s not much you can do about that. But I would get her out, and if DS doesn’t go (I suspect he won’t,) then you need to make it clear that he now has the space to be away from this potentially abusive relationship.