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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you let your teen son's girlfriend move in?

327 replies

Busymum45 · 22/11/2020 11:17

Basically ds19 met this girl a while back (sort of knew from school) and she came to stop over one night mid October and hasnt left. She gradually moved in and is just here, on my son's small bedroom with him. She isnt working much, ds has a pt time as on a year out, when he goes to work she just sits in his room all day in the dark. Started piling her washing on the washing basket now. I'm cooking for all of us each night and her food vegetarian, (5 of us in the home).

I asked about some money but apparently she has none, doesn't come out of son's room as she is depressed.

Son and my dh have had a few clashes and heated run ins lately too and not sure if her being here so much is causing more problems, i,e dh jokes about and ds doesn't like it around the gf, ds also texted my dh and said dont touch my gf....

Dh unable to do much atm as had major surgery and more to come so I am doing everything. My younger child 16 wants her to go back home.

I am now feeling at the end of my tether and thinking about saying enough is enough time to go home now but can stay over a few nights a week if she wants.

AIBU??

OP posts:
Original poster
Busymum45 · 22/11/2020 13:31

My son has not seen any friends on his own since he got with her, she clings to him all the time, making a cup of tea, watching tv etc

OP posts:
user68634 · 22/11/2020 13:33

You need to sit them down and talk to them. It might well be that your son has convinced her it's absolutely fine and you won't mind a bit, encouraged her to put her washing in the basket etc etc she might be mortified to find out that he hasn't discussed any of this with you. She may well have an abuse situation at home. You need to sit them down and just point out the obvious to gauge their reaction. Say that you agreed to one night staying over and now it has been 6 weeks, that moving in as an adult couple into a communal living situation is a huge decision and not one that should have been done by stealth and how they have gone about it is disrespectful. Ask the girlfriend gently what the exaxt situation is at home. If it's just general teen parent drama I would explain that she had 3 days to make a plan to move back home and maybe she can stat at your home on weekends. If they want to live together, they need to be mature enough to make a plan to finance it themselves, right now they are not even paying for their own food.

Ginfordinner · 22/11/2020 13:34

It does sound rather unhealthy, and needs addressing. Talk to your son first and then talk to them together.

MrsBrunch · 22/11/2020 13:34

I it's a big leap to say she's being abused by her step father but I do think she is entitled to ask your dh not to touch her and he should not be offended by that.

We had to teach ds's gf a lot of things that I would assume most people know like saying thank you for a lift, not just getting out of the car and walking off.

She just hadn't had very good guidance growing up. We told them both that they had to contribute to the household jobs and join in with the family, not lock themselves away. They did things like clean the cars, re-paint the fence, that sort of thing. And they took their turn to cook, etc. but even so, we wouldn't let her live with us fulltime as ds needed to have a break and some space even if he didn't know it, it was best for him and, I believe, very necessary for him to learn that it's healthy to have time apart from each other.

KarmaNoMore · 22/11/2020 13:35

I guess it is time to start moving from AIBU (you are not), to find a way to tell your son to send her home without much damage.

Suggest them to get their own place?

user68634 · 22/11/2020 13:36

At 19 why are you cooking for them every night anyway? And doing your son's laundry? I absolutely would not be doing the girlfriends laundry, but now is the time to stop doing his too. You are very passive and treating them like children so it's not particularly surprising they are acting so entitled.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 22/11/2020 13:37

Argghhhh ‘you’re’

badluckbuddy · 22/11/2020 13:41

I moved in with my teen boyfriend and his family. We were 18.

It was the making of me - showed me what a family should be like, my self esteem blossomed and I felt a sense of security & belonging.

It didn’t start off that way but everyday I was there it got easier.

But I did my own washing, I helped with housework and dinner, I paid rent and I made an effort to be part of the family.

We broke up after a couple of years but I always look back on that time as a blessing.

I wouldn’t be me today without them (I came from a very broken home)

If she wanted it to work - she would make it work. So it sounds like they’re taking advantage and it’s becoming toxic Flowers

Ginfordinner · 22/11/2020 13:42

And doing your son's laundry?

When DD is home from university I do her laundry. I separate clothes by colour not by person.

Krampusnacht · 22/11/2020 13:42

I would and I did. It worked just fine for us and it gave them chance to save for their own place, which they moved into in January after 2 years of her living with us. Currently doing the same for my eldest DD and would do if for my younger ones when the time comes. I can't see a problem with it, and it's helped them out massively with being able to save to rent their own place.

Joswis · 22/11/2020 13:42

She might not get on with her stepmum, but she's also having issues with your husband. Now, I don't know how touchy feely he is, BUT it is his home, not hers. Now she's staying in the room all the time. It sounds a bit to me as if the problem might be her, not the stepmum.

My blokes daughter is mid 30s and has NEVER moved out. She has moved boyfriend, after boyfriend in (gaps in between). She didn't ask the first time and now a precedent has been set. Everyone thinks he's nuts and he doesn't like it, but he's made a rod for his own back.

I've always been clear with my daughter. An overnight is OK, but not on my work nights. And I am not supporting anyone I'm not related to.

I wouldn't worry too much about your son leaving. He probably won't leave but if he does, he will get sick of her clinging to him all the time before long. Probably quicker if they DO leave together. It works for him while you are doing all the work, but it'll get to be too much if he does take total responsibility for her on his own.

ShopTattsyrup · 22/11/2020 13:44

I would have a frank conversation with both her and your DS, are there real and valid reasons why she was so keen to leave home swiftly and move into yours by stealth? Abuse etc. If not then it's time for her to pack a bag and bugger off.

If there is some issue at her home that means she is unsafe or unwilling to go home to her Dad's house then plan accordingly with Housing Association, UC, womens shelters etc. She doesn't have to go home but she can't stay at yours indefinitely for free!

If there are no issues and it's time for her to go home, make a clear list of rules and expectations if she's staying over again: "only X no. Of nights a week and you buy and prepare one evening meal for that day for the whole household." Or similar.

Anothermother3 · 22/11/2020 13:50

What stands out for me is your 16 year old not wanting her there either. I think it’s too much to expect of a 19 year old to be supporting her and isolating from friends too. Doesn’t sound terribly healthy. Good luck I hope the discussions go well. I can see how you didn’t quite foresee her still being with you and it’s just dragged on to semi permanency.

Ellmau · 22/11/2020 13:53

The girl doesn’t like a man touching her. Either he is the problem, or he is the problem AND she’s been abused/sexually abused in the past.

This is the one red flag which would make me reluctant to send her home.

But even if you allowed her to stay, she should be doing her own washing and paying rent/food out of her job/benefits, and she and your ds need to share in household jobs generally.

user68634 · 22/11/2020 13:55

@Ginfordinner Yes, but your ds is at university the majority of the year so presumably has been taught to do his own laundry and is capable of it during term time. The OP has two adults who clearly aren't at university learning how to be independent the majority of the year so why should the OP do it full time? Entirely different situation to cooking for and doing adult dc's laundry when they are effectively guests in their family home during holidays.

MrsBrunch · 22/11/2020 13:56

@badluckbuddy

I moved in with my teen boyfriend and his family. We were 18.

It was the making of me - showed me what a family should be like, my self esteem blossomed and I felt a sense of security & belonging.

It didn’t start off that way but everyday I was there it got easier.

But I did my own washing, I helped with housework and dinner, I paid rent and I made an effort to be part of the family.

We broke up after a couple of years but I always look back on that time as a blessing.

I wouldn’t be me today without them (I came from a very broken home)

If she wanted it to work - she would make it work. So it sounds like they’re taking advantage and it’s becoming toxic Flowers

We did become very fond of ds's gf and even though they broke up four years ago, we still have her shoebox of her 'precious' things that she kept here because they weren't safe at her house. They are just dolls and things that she valued as a child but her family would have given them away.
iswhois · 22/11/2020 13:57

Is she getting any support/help for her MH?

dottiedodah · 22/11/2020 13:57

I would say to your DS privately, that the situation cannot continue like this! Its not fair on any of you TBH.He will probably protest but thats his problem! At 19 he is of an age where he could look for a flat /room and she visit him there .Its also not healthy for him to have her leaning on him so hard either.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 22/11/2020 14:00

Jesus Christ. Send her home today. And send her dirty washing home with her. They are both massively taking the piss.

EmeraldShamrock · 22/11/2020 14:06

No definitely not in this situation she is free loading.
I'd consider it if she was genuinely homeless I'd expect her like any adult to contribute to the house cleaning, cooking and social. Not sitting in the dark in his room
It seems to be a new trend.
My friends teen started a business he is out 12 hours a day his gf sits in the family home hanging out with my friend it does her head in.

KatieB55 · 22/11/2020 14:17

We have one adult child living at home & working. Partner comes to stay (in our bubble) but we made it clear that they do their own shopping, cooking & laundry, clean their room & bathroom. It's fine but we set expectations before he came to stay.

BlueThistles · 22/11/2020 14:18

Time to pull on your 'big girl pants' OP...

MrsBrunch · 22/11/2020 14:19

@KatieB55

We have one adult child living at home & working. Partner comes to stay (in our bubble) but we made it clear that they do their own shopping, cooking & laundry, clean their room & bathroom. It's fine but we set expectations before he came to stay.
@KatieB55 Why does she need to stay at yours if she has a place of her own?
BlueThistles · 22/11/2020 14:21

Get up those stairs (assuming you're not in a bungalow) and tell her firmly and directly it's time to go home..

If you Son threatens to go too then so be it... lets see how welcome he is round at her Dads with free board and lodgings.... I think he'll be back home before sunrise OP...

but you must stand firm...

She has a Dad who can support and guide her 🌺

HollowTalk · 22/11/2020 14:22

Pack all of her dirty clothes into a bag and tell your son that she is not to stay any longer because they are both just taking the piss. Who the hell does she think she is that she can just plonk herself in someone else's family home, not pay any rent, give them all her washing to do and expect them to buy her her own special food?