To not be able to forgive myself for the way I treated my babies?

[Notmyusual80]

They're 11 and 7 now but when I think back to how I was when they were babies, I absolutely despise myself. Having young babies turned me into someone I didn't recognise- so angry, a control freak, completely and utterly obsessed with sleep.

To be clear, I never did and never would hurt them. But my god I used to shout a lot. And lose my temper. When they were tiny. My first was an absolute angel of a baby, so easy. But I didn't know that at the time as I had nothing to compare her to. I had a really hard few months getting her into a sleep routine and I'd lose my rag if she wouldn't go to sleep/ had unexpected night wakings. I was so obsessed with the knock on effect it would have if sleep didn't go just right. The poor little thing was and still is such a good girl.

I thought I'd be better with my 2nd but he was more hard work than my DD and I think that made things worse because I thought I'd know it all the 2nd time around and it would be easy. I frequently lost my temper with him. What an awful thing to admit. And I'd snap at my sweet DD who was a toddler as I was wound up. One time, the baby had been unwell with tonsillitis but was almost fully over it. He kept waking one night but rather than thinking he might still be feeling poorly and therefore being sympathetic, I got cross with him and was swearing and huffing. It was almost like I felt he was doing it on purpose?!!! My mum reminded me of it the other day and said she wanted to shake me at the time. Another time, I'd had a few really bad nights and the baby woke in the night and when i went to settle him, i realised he'd pooed and I said something like "great, you've pooed,course you have you dirty little xxxxxxx". My DH had a real go at me and rightly so - I apologised straight away. I feel so awful and ashamed admitting to all this.

I clearly remember when my second was a baby feeling really angry a lot of the time, where my whole body would be clenched and I'd be almost shaking. What the hell was wrong with me? I must say, I wasn't like this all the time - just when sleep was going badly and I was feeling anxious about it. I completely love and adore my children and I did and do show them a lot of love.

The thing is, there was so much about the baby years I absolutely loved - playing with them, taking them to baby groups, watching them interact with other babies and toys, just feeling like I had these little sidekicks with me. I'd give anything to go back and be the mum I should have been. It completely haunts me and I pray they don't remember any of it.

I spoke to a friend the other day who has just had her second (3 weeks ago) and she just sounded so thrilled and kept saying she can't believe how happy she feels. She was expecting it to be awful because her 1st was really hard work but this baby is really easy and she just feels so happy. I voucher cried remembering what a snappy, stressed, nasty cow I was at that stage with my two.

I'm scared to post this as I expect a lot of people will think I sound like an absolute monster. But i just need to know if anyone has had a similar experience at all and if so, how they've learned to live with it?

pictish I don’t want to derail and to a certain extent I understand your point of view. But being a stress head comes from somewhere. It is rarely a parenting choice. Who would choose to be a mess of anxiety about feeding and sleeping? It’s not much fun. Maybe a tricky baby, lack of support, used to being in control etc etc. It rarely comes from nowhere. It just sounds a little patronising and not very understanding when you call people who were struggling for whatever reason ‘stress heads’. I was very aware of not being perceived as that person so put on the perfect facade of easy going parenting. I was a mess.

Sorry I didn’t realise that would end up so long!!

Oh, OP it's stressful and difficult! I think you're taking handful of particularly horrible occasions where you were burnt out and blowing them up in your mind. There is not one parent who doesn't feel like you describe at some point. It sounds like you did lots of lovely things with your children! They're loved and cared for and you're a wonderful mother, you're just not a perfect mother - none of us are! Even your friend who is so happy right now will hit a patch where she's mentally and physically burnt out and having a bad day or time of it.

I'm currently in therapy for PTSD partly because of the trauma of childbirth followed by years of infertility and then more years of miscarriages.

One of my "issues" was that (once they were actually here) i would get angry with my children (now 5 and 9)and having (what I felt) was an inability to find joy in being with and looking after my children.

I replay a couple of incidents over and over again. I once got so riled by them splashing water all over the bathroom when they were having fun in the bath I had to walk away before I screamed at them. The other is being in the loo once and my youngest followed me in and I shouted at him to leave me alone. My DP pulled me up on it and at the time I had no recollection of saying it. I sought help not long after that incident.

Parenthood is hard. It changes you in ways that you could never have planned for or imagined. I feel like I lost myself and became a shell. I adore my children but felt guilty that after all the trauma I went through to have them I couldn't enjoy them. But I've worked through it with help.

What I'm trying to say is, you're not alone. Don't be hard on yourself. x

You sound like a lovely Mum. Those early years are HARD so please don’t feel bad and try and remember the things you did well and focus on that. Everyone has moments they’re not proud of as a parent but the main thing is that they’re loved and you’re trying your best.

Sorry, I agree with penny

I am NOT trying to make you feel worse, OP, but this is where mn can be a little bit unhealthy, with all the cheery posts saying it doesn’t matter and she sounds normal. It does matter, and it isn’t normal to shout at babies.

It is a difficult one to answer as I do want to be supportive to the OP. I think is great she’s recognised this and I think it’s probably not had any long term effects if the relationship is good now, but I do think it’s worth pointing out that this sort of behaviour can be really harmful.

All the best OP smother them in love.

OP I could have written this myself! Please don’t think yourself as the only one I went through this too . I think hormones and lack of sleep and support have so much to do with it especially if you are breastfeeding and have no rest from that.
I used to hear all these other mums seem like they were so perfect and happy and getting so much done as well as being perfect mums I’m sure it wasn’t the case but it’s still how I see it to be honest. I’ve have one child 7 years old and I’m scared to have another one in case I’m like that again but maybe it is PND and I didn’t realise?
Don’t feel bad please your a great mum I’m sure if more people were honest we would hear people say the same thing! Also your mum should not be reminding you like that it is not helpful at all. 💐

Don't be hard on yourself OP sleep deprivation does horrible things to you. It's a form of torture. You can't change the past and it's easy to look back and forget how it felt in that position and how impossible it was to keep your cool when you were so tired and stressed. So don't worry about it, just start afresh now and be the mum you want to be.

The best thing you can do OP is close the door on the past. It's over. There's absolutely nothing you or anyone can do about it.

What you CAN do is be here, be now, be present with your DC and be the mum you know you want to be.

Leave the past alone, you drive a car looking in the rear view and you're guaranteed to crash. Don't waste another second on it.

@changingnamesandkeepingsane

I agree with a lot of whats already been said. A. Could have been a symptom of undiagnosed PND B. Regardless, early motherhood is a fucking shitshow, and the biggest lie ever told to women C. By mother had the quickest temper, she shouted a lot. I still flinch if I sense someone is irritated by me. My love for her is only eclipsed by the love she had for me. She was absolutely 100% devoted to me and my sister. And I loved and still love her to bits. Her parenting wasn't perfect, neither is mine, neither is yours. And neither is the person's who never shouts at their kids. Nobody gets it right.

This is a lovely post . All of us make mistakes. We moved house when we had a toddler and a newborn. I was in this new place, with no friends, nobody to talk to apart from DH and I was getting woken four times a night. I was so tired that I was mixing words up, DH and I were short and snappy with each other, it was really hard. I remember being cross and snappy with my children, the pp who mentioned rushing her dd who was trying to show her a flower, I remember just that. Later when I had an illness that causes fatigue and was really struggling, and my smallest had turned into a tantrummer who still woke through the night, that was another hideous time. I once tried to go out and walk around the block to calm down (dh was here, I wasn’t leaving them alone) as I felt so angry and short tempered and wanted to re-set and have a minute to feel calmer , and they both just clung to my legs and wanted to come with me, so we all ended up walking round the block.... I miss those tiny years too, but at times they were incredibly hard. I have teenagers now which I always thought would be the hardest bit of motherhood, but so far (early days at 13 and 15, I don’t want to tempt fate) I am really enjoying this stage. We can’t do anything to change the times we were exhausted, overwhelmed, snappy, miserable. All we can do is love and talk to the children we have now. Forgive yourself OP, and enjoy your children .

Yes, there's so many things I regret in my Dds early years. She had breathing issues and thus never slept for very long at all. She was exhausted. I worked ft and was a single mum, and I too was exhausted. I crashed two weeks after she had the op to correct her breathing. She had a horrendous infection post op and then things settled down, and I just disintegrated. I ended up on a psychiatric unit for a few weeks.
I didn't really get better though, until she was about 7, I was harsh and I followed in my mum's footsteps of how she treated me.
She's now 17, and my mum can't believe the relationship we have now, compared to the relationship I had with her at the same age. Ever one to stick the boot in she says my DD is easy and I don't know I'm born. It's not that, it's because I stopped myself going the same way she did and really made, and still do, an effort. But with hindsight I can see she was in poor mental health, and was treating me the way my grandmother treated her. I am losing my resentment of how she was as I recognise these things.
But I digress, my point is so many people feel they have, or have been bad parents at some point. The key I think is to recognise it and face it and change it. You, or I cannot change the past, we can change the future though. I did with my DD.
Can I forgive myself? Well I don't know, I know I was ill, I know the pressure I was under was immense, but maybe it's not about forgiveness for me, I wish with all my heart that both of us hadn't had to live through that, I wish I didn't have those memories. I wish she didn't have some of the memories she does too. I wish I could go back and be the mum I am now to her then - but, what happened then has shaped who we both are today.

MsTSwift Agree totally. No Dads on here have to go through a difficult birth /emergency Caesereans . Breast feeding /months of being sick/feeling tired /and so on! Bet they would be slapped on the back if so! As it is they do one or two night feeds ,or take baby out to give Mum a break and are seen as fucking heroes! Mum loses her shit and shouts and is beating herself up about it years later, something wrong here I think!

my critical mother had left me with a critical inner voice, which I didn’t really spot until I was desperately seeking the inner reserves of kindness that my baby needed

That's so well put @NellWilsonsWhiteHair ! It really resonates

The early years are really hard, don’t beat yourself up. Concentrate on being the best mum you can be now.

This post resonated hugely with me. With dd1 who barely slept til she was 3 i desperately needed help but didn't know how to ask coz it felt like I should be able to deal with a tiny baby & couldn't. I used to sing go the fuck to sleep to her & got angry a few times. I can't explain my relief when I went to stay with a friend & her husband said that she regularly threatened to launch hers into the canal (which obviously she didn't do😄) I barely left the house for 4 months because I was worried about "doing it wrong" - we need to talk about how hard so many people find the first few months.
With dd2 exh was cheating, went away for the weekend after 2 weeks leaving me with a 3 year old & a baby. It was messed up for different reasons - I used to cuddle her to sleep whilst bawling my eyes out, we were in a fog of hospital appointments so dd1 didn't get enough attention, but I was
so much more relaxed because I knew she'd get there in the end & it wasn't deliberate.
Even now I get frustrated with a 9 & 6 year old usually about getting out of the house in the morning but they know how awesome & loved they are.
Was it ok op - of course not. Can you change it now? Also of course not.
Unless you are still doing it give them an extra cuddle & show them how loved they are now.
Well done for raising this topic. Be kind to yourself.

Not a monster OP, just human. I say this as somebody who was abused in my childhood. The enormous difference is my own mother continued this behaviour until I went NC, yet insisted she was a perfect mother. There was a time when I'd have done anything for her to reflect in the way you are. Honesty is key here - if your DCs remember, be as honest and authentic as you can about it all with them. Like others have said, "good enough" is fine.

I wonder how many of the perfect parents making the nasty comments you’ve received on here are also among the 1% of women who exclusively breastfed for six months. Seems statistically unlikely. I wonder whether they’d take kindly to the suggestion that their parenting clearly wasn’t so perfect, then

I’m not criticising women who don’t breastfeed, by the way

Lol what the fuck?!

“Women who don’t exclusively breastfeed are crap parents. No offence.”

I know the feeling op. I had PND and when I think back I was horrible - to my DC, mum, friends. I was so angry all the time. I shouted at my dc a lot. I loved them and never hurt them but my god to I feel guilt now

Buddy how you've managed to shoehorn in some 'breast is best' propaganda on a thread like this must've taken some mental gymnastics. So any spiteful posters on here are in the 'oh well they didn't breastfeed their babies'. Have a think why you would come to that conclusion or how it would even occur to you. Speaks volumes about you.

OP I’m sorry your little ones went through this but it really sounds like you were unwell. Your post has clearly brought some strong reactions looking at all the deleted comments.

I think as a society now, we’re so conditioned by social media to have a perfect child that anything less feels like failure. My brother in laws ridiculous girlfriend is always posting absolutely shite about how wonderful her kids are and what a happy little family they are (totally forgetting the fact that he left his own family to be with her). Generally these posts are smoke and mirrors.

Children and babies are exhausting work but you never see people posting about this. It gives a very skewed idea of motherhood.

You really need to forgive yourself and allow yourself to move forward. Just remember your life could be so much worse. Just imagine how desperately unhappy @pennypinchh must be to continue baiting you. Imagine having so little empathy.

Best of luck moving forward 💐💐

OP please be kinder to yourself. Mktherhood is hard. Your DC wont be holiding onto those memories you have. If you are beating yourself up about the past the chances are yoi arent living in the moment and enjoying your DC at these ages.

Like PP has said it may have been post natal depression, it could have been anxiety or it could have been somwthing without a label - a mum just struggling with lack if sleep and feeling overwhelmed.

Stop beating yourself up and move on with your life

Ps - the friend may well be doing amazing but there is still a taboo of new mums feeling like a failure unless they are gloriously happy with a newborn. Its a front a lot of the time

The past is the past. You cannot move forward in a positive way unless you let go of what went before - if you don't you will not be able to make a good job of parenting in the future.

You clearly had post-natal hormonal effects on your psychological state. But why allow that to taint when happens now and in the future?

Wipe the slate clean and forgive yourself for simply being human.

If it's any consolation, I spoke to one of my AC about an incident in her childhood that I felt really bad about ......... and she could not even remember it!!

I've not got through all the messages yet but thank you so much - there's a lot of kindness here which I'm so grateful for.

To be clear - my mum and DH were amazing and supported me hugely. I completely understand why they said what they said on the occasions I mentioned - they were struggling to understand my behaviour.

I do often wonder if I had some kind of PND but I never felt depressed or low - and I wonder if I'm just looking for an excuse for my behaviour. By that I absolutely do NOT mean that women with PND use it as an excuse or anything like that before anyone jumps on me.

I wasn't screaming and swearing at my kids til they were toddlers. When DS was a baby and I was struggling, yes, I would sometimes snap at my toddler too but I think some PPs have got the idea that I screamed and swore my way through the first few years of their lives. It was the very young years I struggled with - the times when you cant communicate/reason with them. Again, absolutely not an excuse- just trying to explain more. When they could talk, if ever I shouted unnecessarily, I would apologise to them and explain why my behaviour was wrong. No, that doesn't make it ok but that was me trying to control my behaviour and I'm nothing like that now.

My relationship with them now is brilliant. They're adored and I'm confident they know that.

@Fuckingterriblemum your story struck a chord with me - I totally understand how you feel. I guess we both just need to try to do our best from now and not obsess about the past - even though im clearly doing that now.

The PPs who asked about my own childhood. It was very happy. I remember being smacked occasionally like most kids of my generation but the memory doesnt seem to bother me at all. One thing I have thought about recently that troubles me - my mum and stepdad both worked and there would be times I'd be left with my older and younger brother for a few hours. I was 7 years older than my younger bro and adored him - I would assume the role of mum on these occasions. If he was "naughty", I would completely lose the plot with him and shout at him a lot (which was not appropriate- I was a child too). I dont know why I overreacted so much. I feel terrible guilt about it. But it worries me that that is the kind of behaviour that resurfaced when I had kids - do I just have a temper? And just with children??? I've never got angry with an adult in that way? Is it a fear of losing control - which confuses me because normally I'm the most laid back, uncontrolling person ever. God, I just sound even worse now.

To be honest though that doesn’t matter really mischance, on that logic we can leave our babies wet and cold and scream at them and it’s okay because they won’t remember it.

For that matter, elderly people with dementia won’t remember it either so we can speak to them however we like.

No, sorry, it does matter. It might not be something people want to hear, but it’s not okay.

Oh op I feel you girl, I love my kids to death and I would think I am a very good mother and others have said the same but have I cursed at my 6 month old baby during the night when he has woken for the 15th time, yes, ive felt ashamed but he obviously didn't know what I had said, sleep deprivation can make anyone a bit zany, forgive yourself and concentrate on loving them as much as you have been from now on, stop beating yourself up, sending you hugs