Discussion on inheritance - is it sometimes ok to give children different amounts.

[Whattheactual20201]

Was talking to parents the other day and then DB
We are a family of 3 siblings, I am the youngest at 28 then the eldest is 36.
I have 2 children soon to be 3, my own house with a very small mortgage and not much left to pay. We survive and have luxuries. I do have savings
DB who is a few years older has 1 child but they are trying for number 2 and has a house with an affordable mortgage and a great income.
Eldest is DS who has one child and one on the way. She has always worked as hard as us but does earn a lot less and rents has no savings and lives a bit more day to day than we do.

My parents have always told us the grandkids will have their own “ pot “ which will be equal.

However us as their children will get different amounts due to circumstances.
They would want to leave the house to sister
With w smaller cash inheritance
Then a bigger cash inheritance to me and DB ( it wouldn’t be as much as what the house is worth by any stretch )

I am ok with this and see their point in a way however DB feels a bit hurt they would leave the house to only one of us ?

@Bluegrass I have found it interesting to.

My view is it is your parents money and they can leave it however they like, it doesn't have to be fair, doesn't have to be approved by anyone. In this case I think it does sound reasonable but as I said even if it wasn't it is their money.

I think it should be split equally otherwise it’ll likely cause resentment further down the line. Your sister chose her career knowing she wouldn’t be earning as much as some other careers. She shouldn’t get more just because your brother chose a different career path. Also circumstances can change very quickly so I think it should be split equally.

It should be equal (disabilities etc apart). What if after the Will is made someone loses their house/job or someone becomes much more successful?

I disagree that inheritances should be scrupulously equal. As pp’s have said, sometimes the circumstances of siblings are very different and that can influence decisions. As can the relationship between the siblings and the parents.

Also need to take into account the future needs of the parents between now and their eventual demise.

I have a couple of friends (sisters) who spent years pretty much counting on inheriting a 50% share of a substantial family home. Their parents both went into residential care, the house was sold to pay for care and there was very little left for them to inherit. All remaining funds were left to the grandchildren, missing them out completely.

You never know how things will turn out.

With the caveat that nobody should actually expect anything, I agree this is unfortunate - deeply unfair even

Apart from anything else, who knows what all your positions might become in future? Things can change in an instant, and while the DPs could always change the wills accordingly, actually doing it is something else

Much better, IMO, to have made it equal right from the start unless there's a very strong reason not to

My inheritance will be less than my sister's because she needs it more- half of our expected inheritance wouldn't make much of a different to me either way and wouldn't be enough to buy her a house, whereas 80% of it or more would set her up nicely in a little house with a garden in a nice area. She's worked no less hard in her life than I have, she just had a different path and hasn't been able to earn as much money. I am happy for her to be the main beneficiary and have made our father (mother isn't living) well aware of that.

So yes, it is 100% OK.

Even splits all the way, and equal pots for the grandchildren.

I can understand why your DB might feel hurt and I don't think it's anything to do with him being grabby or entitled (a favourite insult on MN). Even splits avoid any lingering sense of unfairness that can eat away at family relationships.

I think I might offer 50k of my Inheritance and see whether he would give it to my sister now for a deposit.

Always equal imo

What if after the Will is made someone loses their house/job or someone becomes much more successful? You are allowed to change your will and I assume the parents could do that.

Wroxie you sound like a lovely sister.

You’ve said nothing about what your sister thinks, OP. Do you know?

One child might have made sacrifices to earn their money, another may have consciously wanted job satisfaction rather than a higher salary. To try to “even things up” from beyond the grave is effectively lobbing a grenade into the relationships of the family you leave behind.

Two of ours have received a life changing legacy, the other two haven’t. I wouldn’t dream of “lobbing a grenade” from the grave. It would be discussed in my life time.

"take for instance the 50k I received my parents would do that in a heart beat for any of us"

They haven't, though, have they? They only gave you £50k and haven't done the same for your brother or sister.

Your brother sounds very spoilt and greedy. Is he equally as vocal about the unfairness that he stands to be paid £263000 more over his lifetime than your sister just for being born male? Or does he only care about "inequality" when it's towards him?

That's really unfair.

I feel that circumstances can be very important and inheritance should not necessarily be split equally. Often a situation can become clearer if it is taken to the extreme, so here goes:

2 children, Child 1 has just won £100million on the lottery, child 2 has just come out of marriage, penniless and having to look after 2 children.

Parents have £10,000 to leave.

In this situation it is evident to me that I would not split the financial inheritance equally, but I may well split the personal items equally.

@EmilySpinach this is based on literally a phone call this morning with DB

One thing I can say about them both is they have never asked for a single thing

Our parents have money and growing up we were lucky but they was also very strict on standing on our own 2 feet and finding our way and having work ethic.

I was actually the one who fell of path and fell pregnant with DS and I was told very quickly get a job we are not paying for him 🤣
However as we all got older and settled in to our careers they become more generous.

Fascinating thread - it's clear that some people would be absolutely fine with what your parents are proposing, some wouldn't.

Obviously your brother isn't happy about it.

What any parents might want to consider when making a will is what kind of relationship they hope the siblings to have with each other once the parents are no longer around, and how vastly different financial gifts might end up destroying those sibling relationships completely.

What's interesting is that there have been several posters saying even though they are the "poorer" sibling they still think inheritance should be split equally.

There have been no posts (unless I've missed them) saying they are the poorer sibling and yes, they think they deserve/should get more inheritance.

@WoodliceCollection

Your brother sounds very spoilt and greedy. Is he equally as vocal about the unfairness that he stands to be paid £263000 more over his lifetime than your sister just for being born male? Or does he only care about "inequality" when it's towards him?

How does he sounds spoilt? His two sisters stand to benefit considerably more from their parents than he. The OP already and their sister after their parents die.

@AnotherEmma I meant in the situation
Neither of them have been in that situation.

@Bluegrass

Fascinating to see how differently people view this. I feel very strongly that parents should resist the temptation to play god and try to “even up” their children’s lives based on however things appeared to them at the moment they wrote their will.

One child might have made sacrifices to earn their money, another may have consciously wanted job satisfaction rather than a higher salary. To try to “even things up” from beyond the grave is effectively lobbing a grenade into the relationships of the family you leave behind.

Most likely siblings who previously got along fine will end up bitter and resentful, with nagging grievances or insecurities that will keep coming up for the rest of their lives.

Imagine if your legacy was to have unintentionally fucked up the relationships of your children because you were conceited enough to play god with their lives - how awful. Keep it equal.

All of this with bells on. The warning sounds are already there.

If any of their Grandchildren fell sick they would do in a heart beat.

Some of the money even went to surprising daughter with a life time experience neither of my siblings including DB begrudged that at all. We never knew If she would make her next birthday.