Discussion on inheritance - is it sometimes ok to give children different amounts.

[Whattheactual20201]

Was talking to parents the other day and then DB
We are a family of 3 siblings, I am the youngest at 28 then the eldest is 36.
I have 2 children soon to be 3, my own house with a very small mortgage and not much left to pay. We survive and have luxuries. I do have savings
DB who is a few years older has 1 child but they are trying for number 2 and has a house with an affordable mortgage and a great income.
Eldest is DS who has one child and one on the way. She has always worked as hard as us but does earn a lot less and rents has no savings and lives a bit more day to day than we do.

My parents have always told us the grandkids will have their own “ pot “ which will be equal.

However us as their children will get different amounts due to circumstances.
They would want to leave the house to sister
With w smaller cash inheritance
Then a bigger cash inheritance to me and DB ( it wouldn’t be as much as what the house is worth by any stretch )

I am ok with this and see their point in a way however DB feels a bit hurt they would leave the house to only one of us ?

I think it's fair. Your brother doesn't need it. Your sister does. Parents want to ensure all their children are provided for and secure in the long term. They know she'll never be in a position to buy a home on her own and that could put her on a very socially vulnerable situation if she ever lost her job, had reduced earnings or the rents skyrocketed.

Each according to their need...

There’s a values question. Sister is a midwife, it’s an important career. If I were well paid and a sibling had a career that was important to society but not well paid, I wouldn’t be surprised if my parents wanted to balance it out a bit. Owning a house makes a massive difference to poverty or lack of in retirement. I will own mine. Pretty shitty approach of a sibling who would also own theirs to say no it’s not about your penury and possibly living hand to mouth in retirement it’s about loving us equally. Loving your children equally means wanting them all to be able to pay the bills. A sense of values means understanding that career choices are not just money.

I'm getting a bit less than my sibling as I had a larger deposit to buy a house.

Equal.

No one knows what may happen.

People get sick, divorce, die.

If I make poor life choices, my siblings should not be disadvantaged.

Should I get a free house while my siblings pay a mortgage.

Where does it end.

[quote Whattheactual20201]@AnotherEmma I have said multiple times that I don’t mind allocating the 50k however just to clarify, I already hade my house at that point.
I would have been in the exact same position as I am now if my daughter did not go in to heart failure

The 50k went in to me living in the hospital / food / making sure DS was looked after and provided for during the 2 years that I was unable to work. I have already said it doesn’t bother me if I got nothing at all. However I 50k didn’t even put a dent in my mortgage and if that hasn’t if happened I would be in the exact same position as I am now.

Just to clarify that.[/quote]
It doesn't matter how you actually used the money; the fact is that if your parents hadn't given you £50k you might not have been able to keep up with mortgage payments so you might have had to take a payment holiday or sell your house.

I'm not criticising you in any way for taking the money; it sounds like a very difficult time and I'm glad your parents were able to reduce some of your stress by supporting you financially.

I'm just saying that you did benefit from that money, it enabled you to survive and to continue paying your mortgage. How can £50k not make a dent in a mortgage?!

Large cash gifts are most helpful when you actually need them; in your case you absolutely did need it at that time. But my point is that your siblings would also benefit from receiving a £50k gift sooner rather than later.

"My parents suggested leaving their house to my youngest sister. I had a chat with them and mentioned what if DS and her loser husband were to divorce he would from the house. They changed their mind and the cash and house has all been split equally."
this is avoided by leaving life interest to the sister - it isn't owned it is in trust for sister to benefit from and is separate from divorce as it is in trust for grandchildren or the cat sanctuary - whoever is specified under the terms.
Also, it doesn't have to be the same house - it can be sold and the money used to buy another house - which will be the property in the trust etc to be sold/shared out when the sister dies.

What does your sister think?

DH and I are both in teaching. He is a headteacher and I have a senior role, currently part-time. We will never be millionaires but we are paid well and have a combined household income in the (very) low six figures.

My sister and BIL are both in the City, earning probably 3x or 4x what we do. My pride would be genuinely insulted if my parents felt that I ‘deserved’ the charitable gesture of an uneven inheritance which benefited me.

Your sister is in a reasonably well paid, well-respected profession. Your previous posts gave the impression that she was in a very low-income job.

I'm with @Dastardlythefriendlymutt. Midwifery is really hard, I'm grateful that there are people in the world who want to do it, but I'm not one of them.
I'm the well off sibling (senior public sector, own my house with a small mortgage, bought before prices in London became totally unaffordable) and I said to DM years ago that I didn't want to inherit anything and she should split her estate between my siblings. I suspect she hasn't done anything about a will, so if we inherit under the intestacy rules I'll give my share to DB and DSis,

(Probably with an excellent pension)

Between my sister and I, I am the higher earner with a small mortgage left on a good house. She works hard and rents. Her chosen career does not have the same security and progression as mine.

I would expect that she would receive significantly more. It would make far more difference to her than me, and I would not begrudge her that. In fact, I'd feel guilty, because the inheritance would probably mean an upgraded car or a really nice holiday for me, whereas for her it could mean a significant difference to the type of house she eventually buys. I wouldn't want to see my sibling wanting, especially as our different circumstances is mostly luck. To me, it is like levelling out the playing field again.

I would want personal effects, like sentimental jewellery or books to be shared equally.

Because the 50k never went towards the mortgage and we live in border London/ Surrey ( tech now London but some will still say Surrey ) 🤣
I paid more than 50k just for the initial deposit and have 18 months before I am mortgage free on the house.
However yes you are right I am extremely grateful for their help at that time and I would not bat an eye kid at they removing it from my inheritance.

My parents have skipped me and DB and left 50% to his DC and 50% to mine.

I'm really hurt tbh, hurt that despite the fact they inherited they have decided I don't need it/won't benefit especially when DB has had a lot more support from them and is a much much higher earner and they get loads of childcare help from
SIL family. Then just as hurt that my DC aren't treated equally to DB just because they have more siblings....

I think disability aside make it equal.

Also when DB had DC all of a sudden there were large gifts of money for all the DC, I was told how I should invest it - 2 of my children were of 16 by then!! Had mine got that money to invest yearly from birth they would have had a tidy lump sum by now

I accept my feelings are totally illogical and that there may not be any inheritance but for some reason it hurts and it's probably a lifetime of feeling 2nd best and not good enough...

Her wage does not go far as a one wage in London.

Bat an eye lid not kid obviously 🤣🤣🤣

@RandomMess, that doesn't sound like unreasonable or illogical hurt to me, it sounds like genuinely being treated as second best. , so sorry. It doesn't sound like the situation the OP is describing at all, unless there's a back story of the brother always feeling he was left out or disregarded.

I think it sounds fair. Your sister has worked hard in a worthwhile career that arguably is not adequately remunerated - she hasn't just been sitting on her backside waiting for an inheritance to drop into her lap. I don't hold with the implication that she choose to learn less. People have different skills and life circumstances.

Do you think your brother will cause trouble if the inheritance isn't divided equally?

I think the pension is a red herring, myself: NHS pensions aren't what they were and you have to work a long time to get the full pension - I wouldn't fancy midwifery at all, but still less into my 60s, still doing 13-hour shifts.

I agree with @Butchyrestingface, "chose to earn less" is really disparaging. We'd all be up the creek if everyone skilled and talented who would otherwise have been a midwife decided they owed it to themselves to earn more money doing something else.

Have they considered inheritance tax? How will the tax be divided?

@ProfessorRadcliffeEmerson
Absolutely not as kids we were all rested as equal, we all had luckily a great upbringing and take for instance the 50k I received my parents would do that in a heart beat for any of us and their grandkids.
My grandparents had provided childcare to DB and if he needed anything they would never let him struggle.
He was provided with a good education ( he was far more academic than us 🤣)

He is also a really great guy by the way they both are great people.

@AlexisIsMySpiritAnimal

Your sister now knows that if she just bides her time she'll get the dream house with no effort while you and bro get nothing in comparison despite working your arses off.

That is a pile of shit

Works both ways. All three have worked their arses off, yet two own houses, the third doesn’t.

It’s something I struggle with. Of our four kids, two are minted. Set up for life by 30. The other two work equally hard but are far worse off. My instinct is to even things up.

Ahh - treated
Sorry I’m pregnant and had 0 hours sleep last night 🤣

Fascinating to see how differently people view this. I feel very strongly that parents should resist the temptation to play god and try to “even up” their children’s lives based on however things appeared to them at the moment they wrote their will.

One child might have made sacrifices to earn their money, another may have consciously wanted job satisfaction rather than a higher salary. To try to “even things up” from beyond the grave is effectively lobbing a grenade into the relationships of the family you leave behind.

Most likely siblings who previously got along fine will end up bitter and resentful, with nagging grievances or insecurities that will keep coming up for the rest of their lives.

Imagine if your legacy was to have unintentionally fucked up the relationships of your children because you were conceited enough to play god with their lives - how awful. Keep it equal.

Equal unless there is a very good reason.

And I'm the poor sibling by a long factor.

It comes across as judging, so either could be insulted-the sister because she feels she's being assessed as unable to earn enough, when presumably she chose that career, and the brother could equally well take it as a measure of love or that they don't think his career is worthy enough.

@GreenlandTheMovie

You are not U to be discussing it as its good to plan for IHT issues. But inheritances should be equal and not compensate some children for their poor life choices.

Former PIL were quite irresponsible - they stayed in their 6 bedroom house until it was beyond practical for them to manage. During their lengthy retirement (late fifties early retirement packages and 2 decent sized inheritances) they lived a life of luxury, buying 2 holiday homes, multiple cars and motorhomes and having luxury holidays and cruises each year. Money on gardeners and cleaners for their big house. Nothing to their 3 children and no IHT planning. Former MIL died and PIL immediately decided he couldn't manage on his own, so moved into a care home and the entire lot is being used up to pay his care home fees. Obviously, it would have made sense to downsize into a smaller house earlier as leaving it when they went for months at a time to one of their holiday homes caused them a lot of stress. Its also a shame for their kids, as their grandfather and uncle who left the parents money wanted their grandchildren to get a share of it and trusted PIL to do that, but they got nothing as they spent it on themselves.

I think that is a rather entitled post. An inheritance is what is left when those who have earned/inherited money have finished with it. It is not a given.

Care is not equal and if you can afford to pay for better care rather than leave money in your will, that is what you should do.