Discussion on inheritance - is it sometimes ok to give children different amounts.

[Whattheactual20201]

Was talking to parents the other day and then DB
We are a family of 3 siblings, I am the youngest at 28 then the eldest is 36.
I have 2 children soon to be 3, my own house with a very small mortgage and not much left to pay. We survive and have luxuries. I do have savings
DB who is a few years older has 1 child but they are trying for number 2 and has a house with an affordable mortgage and a great income.
Eldest is DS who has one child and one on the way. She has always worked as hard as us but does earn a lot less and rents has no savings and lives a bit more day to day than we do.

My parents have always told us the grandkids will have their own “ pot “ which will be equal.

However us as their children will get different amounts due to circumstances.
They would want to leave the house to sister
With w smaller cash inheritance
Then a bigger cash inheritance to me and DB ( it wouldn’t be as much as what the house is worth by any stretch )

I am ok with this and see their point in a way however DB feels a bit hurt they would leave the house to only one of us ?

@HMSSophie

If my Bro gets equal to me I'll be fucking livid. One of us has cared for our DM and one of us has not even bothered to call her during lockdown. If you're NC with a parent why would you expect to inherit anything at all?

I have watched this happen. Everything was left to the eldest son on the understanding that he would ‘look after’ his siblings, including his sister who had taken on the necessary care. Guess what he did? It was like the opening of Sense and Sensibility.

@HMSSophie, I think it likely your bro will get the same as you...

@HMSSophie

If my Bro gets equal to me I'll be fucking livid. One of us has cared for our DM and one of us has not even bothered to call her during lockdown. If you're NC with a parent why would you expect to inherit anything at all?

I understand your point, but as a parent, I would very likely share my inheritance equally between the 2 of you. Whatever estate I am leaving to my kids is not a reward, a pat on the back or an approval of their lifestyle choice.

If you were caring for me and I didn't hear from the other, I would happily thank you and do what I can to help you out

but inheritance is completely different for me.

"the bankers pay for midwives"
No they don't. I hate this argument and it inevitably leads to (some, not all obviously) arrogant high tax payers thinking that public sector workers owe them, somehow. Nope.

You sound really nice OP.

I'd understand parents splitting their assets based on need.

My parents are divorced. My Mum told me a few years ago that one of my siblings would get more. He has some specific learning difficulties and isn't as financially secure as me or my other sibling. I didn't give it a second thought as it seemed logical to give more support to the one that needs it.

My Dad has given money to all of us for house deposits - however this is for differing amounts. The understanding is that this will be made right in our inheritances. I trust both my brothers to sort it out fairly. My Dad also gives my brother quite a bit of financial support aside from this, however that is his business and again it would never even occur to me to think that this could be seen as unfair. My other brother also thinks like me - I'm honestly quite surprised that so many people think differently.

@HMSSophie I think you might be in for a shock, I agree with @PeggyPorschen unless there has been an irreparable rift, I suspect the inheritance will be divided equally.

It might be worth broaching the subject with your mum, but I feel very similar to PP in that inheritance is very different to offering day to day help to someone who cares for you. I hope she is appreciative of what you do.

. If you're NC with a parent why would you expect to inherit anything at all?

You shouldn’t.

OP, why can't your parents help your sister with a deposit on a flat and then split the rest? Otherwise she will be the only one of the three of you to own a property outright - that's really unfair.

If your sister is pregnant then presumably she has a partner as well. Do they want him to benefit more than you and your brother?

@Porcupineinwaiting

Hmmm. I dont think dh should inherit more from his parents because he works for a charity whilst bil went into IT (and made a packet). It was a choice, after all.

In this case maybe, but most people can't be successful IT people and that's not a choice.

@VinylDetective

. If you're NC with a parent why would you expect to inherit anything at all?

You shouldn’t.

I suppose that depends what NC means. I took the post to mean that during lockdown the son hasn't contacted his mother leaving the day to day care to the daughter. I didn't take it to mean long term NC, but I could be wrong.

Tararararara I did say"equal sibling". You are lucky to have been able to go to university. How come your siblings weren't able to go?

Most didn't want to, didn't feel they were academic enough. Sister didn't even do a levels, neither did youngest brother, the others did though and could have gone. Sister sort of regrets that now but couldn't go now due to family circumstances- they need her to work full time.

We'd all consider ourselves "equal siblings" though!

I don't think it should be equal. There are many examples in my family and social circle where one sibling takes the burden of taking care of the elderly parent/s and the rest live their life and when it comes to inheriting, they start popping up right, left and centre while the one sibling had to make lifestyle changes which prevented them from earning more or life was more restricting due to the responsibilities. I haven't read the whole thread, but surely the parents worked for it/inherited these and it should be up to them how they want to split it whether giving it to a charity or splitting it unequally.

I’m the eldest of 3, it’s absolutely none of my business what my parents leave to my brothers and whatever comes my way will be just fine. My parents bought their home, with money they worked for. They have saved using money they have worked for. No one has the right to say how they leave it and to who when they die. If my parents thought for one minute my brothers and I would fall out over it, they’d leave to the Dog’s Trust!

In some cases I'd say that it shouldn't be equal - for specific reasons like being NC or not bothering with the parent. My neighbour died and left his money and house to 2 sons who never came near him even when he was dying. A neighbour who had done virtually everything for him over the years got nothing.

I only got a fraction of what my mother left to my sister because I had brought disgrace on her by getting divorced

I struggle with this idea, OP.

My brother is an addict, has been in and out of rehab for most of his life and has never worked. My dad has paid for him throughout his life, including for treatment and it's added up to millions. My dad also been abused and treated badly by him.

Should my dad leave him the same amount as me, even though he's already sunk millions on him and inevitably any money given to him will likely go on drugs?

Or should he get more than me because he doesn't have a job and can't pay his way? It turns out my dad IS planning to give him more and as his daughter who hasn't taken advantage and worked throughout my life, it's hard not to find that deeply upsetting. It's prodigal son gone mad.

I dont agree inheritance should be split equally whether you earn more or not, doesn't matter. My moms brother was a druggy/alcoholic didnt want to work, my mom and dad worked their arses off for a nice lifestyle, which my grandmother then saw my mother as not needing inheritance as much as her brother, said brother actually died and mom then had a word as his assets would then go to his kids and she explained it was no way fair, will did get changed back so 50/50 split its the only fair way. My husbands parents are thinking about giving his younger brother a load of money bcz he cant be arsed to save and goes out all time so cant afford his own place etc etc...again not fair just bcz my DH and SIL have both got own houses doing well doesn't mean younger brother should get a sub cz hes lazy!!

It’s money not love. Because it can feel like a measure of love I think equal is best unless their are extremely niche circumstances.

Must be equal split between siblings.

A gift us a gift,not a lever or a punishment. Think of the genuine pleasure for both giver and recipient when something comes from the heart. I have this and I wish it to benefit you and your family,is a kind,even noble gesture.I have this and I am going to dole it out according to some tally in my head,is something else.

@Waferbiscuit

I struggle with this idea, OP.

My brother is an addict, has been in and out of rehab for most of his life and has never worked. My dad has paid for him throughout his life, including for treatment and it's added up to millions. My dad also been abused and treated badly by him.

Should my dad leave him the same amount as me, even though he's already sunk millions on him and inevitably any money given to him will likely go on drugs?

Or should he get more than me because he doesn't have a job and can't pay his way? It turns out my dad IS planning to give him more and as his daughter who hasn't taken advantage and worked throughout my life, it's hard not to find that deeply upsetting. It's prodigal son gone mad.

Omg have you discussed this with your dad and told him how you feel i would be sooo angry if my parents were to do this...totally unfair...in fact they should put his money into some sort of trust so that he cant spend it all at once on drugs!

I think percentages are better than setting amounts in £££££. It seems unfair to give less to one sibling and more to another.

Equal split is the only fair way. What brothers and sisters have done with own earnings/life does not matter, believe me theres always problems over inheritance.

I always seem to be in the minority icon these threads but I don't always believe that inheritance has to be equal. I'm one of 6 and five of us have done relatively well for ourselves, have own homes ,career etc . One sibling for various reasons is unlikely to marry and will probably never have the wherewithal to buy one. I'm assuming abs hoping that my parents will leave the family home to them so they can have a home of their own home too because we love them, I think that this blind obsession with every child receiving the same regardless if one is a millionaire and one is impoverished is bonkers. We know our parents love us all the same, the inheritance is a totally separate issue imo.

Inheritance should be equal. Circumstances may change in the future so whilst you may be ok now might not be in years to come.