Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Discussion on inheritance - is it sometimes ok to give children different amounts.

522 replies

Whattheactual20201 · 21/11/2020 12:16

Was talking to parents the other day and then DB
We are a family of 3 siblings, I am the youngest at 28 then the eldest is 36.
I have 2 children soon to be 3, my own house with a very small mortgage and not much left to pay. We survive and have luxuries. I do have savings
DB who is a few years older has 1 child but they are trying for number 2 and has a house with an affordable mortgage and a great income.
Eldest is DS who has one child and one on the way. She has always worked as hard as us but does earn a lot less and rents has no savings and lives a bit more day to day than we do.

My parents have always told us the grandkids will have their own “ pot “ which will be equal.

However us as their children will get different amounts due to circumstances.
They would want to leave the house to sister
With w smaller cash inheritance
Then a bigger cash inheritance to me and DB ( it wouldn’t be as much as what the house is worth by any stretch )

I am ok with this and see their point in a way however DB feels a bit hurt they would leave the house to only one of us ?

OP posts:
JacobReesMogadishu · 21/11/2020 18:30

I agree that apart from disability and similar issues it should be equal.

But I guess for your parents they worry about your sister’s future and what safety net she does or doesn’t have any how will she manage when she’s older, etc. I’m not saying it’s right but I can see why they might do it....for their own peace of mind.

ThanksItHasPockets · 21/11/2020 18:36

the pittance that our government pays them

Can we dial back a bit of this rhetoric, please? We would love to be paid more and it would be wonderful if society valued our skills more highly but it is unbelievably patronising to read over and over again on this thread that nurses / midwives / teachers are clearly thought of by some as paupers in need of charity from our own families.

I was genuinely surprised to read OP’s update that her sister was a midwife. I had the impression from her previous posts that she was living hand-to-mouth on NMW. With respect, OP needs to be very careful not to create the impression in real life that she thinks her sister in need of charity.

JacobReesMogadishu · 21/11/2020 18:39

Oh I’d totally missed the update about the sister being a midwife. If she’s top of the normal band for midwives she’s on about 37k a year. That is not a bad wage.

iftherewereahorseyinthehouse · 21/11/2020 18:42

No you all get the same.

We are three siblings in very different circumstances. I am the only one with children or who is ever likely to have them (two), good job and nice house but a big mortgage.
My younger brother is an investment banker and earns at least double what I do, has a house that he bought for the same price as we paid but I suspect with a far smaller mortgage. My sister has never worked as she has a long term illness, although her partner has a very good job and his own house which she lives in.

Obviously my sister needs the inheritance more than us. But we would never see her homeless.
I would give either of my siblings everything I own but my children come first. Anything i get would go straight to them.

randomer · 21/11/2020 18:55

No wait....you are adopted? DS has buried her talent and you have grown yours? Equal all the way.

I cannot get my head round this at all.

randomer · 21/11/2020 18:58

their life choices have affected their income
exactly

carbnarA · 21/11/2020 18:58

Split equally. DH has two siblings. One is in another country and rarely rings his mum, the other married a complete arsehole and went no contact with MIL and the rest of us years ago. So we do all the care.. however the will is split 3 ways. Which is how it should be

StoneofDestiny · 21/11/2020 18:59

Equal - unless one needs special care due to disability. You don't penalise one sibling because they've worked harder, saved harder, made better choices etc etc - they may face hard times in the future or be exhausted quicker. Love them equally, treat them equally.

EmilySpinach · 21/11/2020 19:20

@randomer

No wait....you are adopted? DS has buried her talent and you have grown yours? Equal all the way.

I cannot get my head round this at all.

Midwifery is ‘burying talent’?!
randomer · 21/11/2020 19:22

lives a bit more day to day ?

leavingvegas · 21/11/2020 19:25

@ThanksItHasPockets - in london 36k is often not enough to get a property if say you need to have bought recently. If you rent and have kids, there is no way to save for a deposit. No I dont think midwives are paupers but clearly its a low wage in London. And London needs midwives-am assuming most Londoners earning six figure sums still expect somebody to do the job, they just dont care too much whether they can live a decent life.but maybe OPs parents do....and thats comendable.

leavingvegas · 21/11/2020 19:27

and do people really think that midwives work less hard than a banker??? its not about talent or working hard but society's value system

ThanksItHasPockets · 21/11/2020 19:32

@leavingvegas

and do people really think that midwives work less hard than a banker??? its not about talent or working hard but society's value system
Who said that?

You specifically used the word ‘pittance’. It’s possible to be of the opinion that midwives and teachers should be paid more without being quite so patronising.

Original poster
Whattheactual20201 · 21/11/2020 19:32

I actually wrote “ lives a bit more day to day than us “

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattheactual20201 · 21/11/2020 19:33

@leavingvegas 100 percent also trying to save when renting.

OP posts:
Albagal · 21/11/2020 19:33

I have two siblings, I absolutely would not mind if one of them was left more due to them having a less secure financial situation. Also, it’s my parents money, they can do what they like with it! I’m not entitled to a penny of it, that said they are extremely generous and have doled out thousands over the years for various things at various times and no tally was kept between siblings, we are lucky to have parents that were able to help financially when it made a difference. But they didn’t have to and we didn’t expect it. I would be happy for my less well off sibling if they got more than me, and I would be grateful for whatever I got.

randomer · 21/11/2020 19:38

Its nothing to do with being a midwife. Couple adopts 3 children, they are fortunate enough to ( possibly) have funds to leave. They then split 3 ways, all paper work is drawn up and transparent. Anthing else stinks.

NeedToKnow101 · 21/11/2020 19:42

@Regretsandregrets

Even if the parents distribute their inheritance equally there is no guarantee the siblings will get on well with each other.As a parent your instinct is to ensure your childern's well- being and comfort and you do what it takes to make it happen.Doesnt always mean you spend EQUAL time and effort to achieve that.Its need based and that instinct stays even when the kids are grown up. Luckily, with only one daughter things are a lot simpler for me!!
My parent split the inheritance equally, between my sibling and I. However she moved in to the family home and has so far refused to move out 😱
Original poster
Whattheactual20201 · 21/11/2020 19:43

Is being adopted isn’t really here or there we are as much there children as if they were our bio parents.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 21/11/2020 19:44

It should be equal unless there are extenuating circumstances such as SEN or disability.

The problem of unequal splits is it's based on the situation at the time the will is written. There's nothing saying that the 'poorer' single child could meet someone, have a higher household income and end up comfortable, whilst the 'wealthier'sibling could find their marriage falls apart, or falls seriously ill, is made redundant etc.

Meredusoleil · 21/11/2020 19:46

Stte.

Having been on the receiving end of this and being totally cut out with nothing whilst my sibling got everything, I will say always divide equally. This was all decided behind my back and I only found out about it 4 months before my parent died.

The result of this is I will never forgive them for the lies, secrecy and deceit and I have stopped all contact with my sibling due to their involvement and greed.

Flamingolingo · 21/11/2020 19:55

I think part of this issue is that so many people I know see their parents’ assets as in some way their birthright. It’s easy for me because my parents have nothing to leave. So I know not to expect. But with DH parents I would fully expect them to split unequally. Both DH and his DSis1 have good incomes and homes (we have been super fortunate and at this point have high earnings and a large house). His DSis 1 earns well, as does her DH and they own a property but it is maybe not large enough long term. His DSis2 earns well (Dr) but is still at home and unmarried. At this present time I would expect their will to reflect the fact that she has no property of her own and no home if theirs was split 3 ways. It’s just practical and makes sense. And tbh I would want to know that she’s been provided for because at nearly 40 it’s looking more and more likely that she might not marry in time to start a family etc.

cheeseychovolate · 21/11/2020 19:55

Inheritance is a gift not a right. If my circumstances and family were like yours, like you I'd say that's fine go ahead and split it how you like. If my sister had a harder time financially and I'd almost paid my mortgage off and wasn't struggling I'd want my sister to be given more, she's my sister, I love her, if it'll make her life easier, why not?

Sceptre86 · 21/11/2020 20:03

It is totally up to your parents being their money and all. However for the sake of avoiding resentment I think it should be split the same, with your inheritance minus 50k. It isn't yours or your brother's fault that your dsis chose a career that doesn't pay as well and midwives are not paid poorly by any means. Providing a home for her children is her responsibility and I don't think your parents or anyone else should be propping her up to achieve that. If she chooses to put her inheritance towards a deposit , good for her. If your db chooses to spend it on a lifetime holiday, why not?

I can see my parents doing something like this, as one of my sisters is in a less well paid job. I like you wouldn't begrudge her the security my parents house would provide. My younger sister though would be upset because my sister's income is down to her own choices in life.

I think it is a good thing that your parents are willing to talk about this openly and i hope it leads to a decision you are all happy with.

copperoliver · 21/11/2020 20:03

I can see why but it is hurtful.
My sister is a lot younger than me, when my mum died my sister got a bit lump sum to put towards a house as she was still living at home.
I only have a council house but because I have a house I got nothing it is very hurtful. X