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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Discussion on inheritance - is it sometimes ok to give children different amounts.

522 replies

Whattheactual20201 · 21/11/2020 12:16

Was talking to parents the other day and then DB
We are a family of 3 siblings, I am the youngest at 28 then the eldest is 36.
I have 2 children soon to be 3, my own house with a very small mortgage and not much left to pay. We survive and have luxuries. I do have savings
DB who is a few years older has 1 child but they are trying for number 2 and has a house with an affordable mortgage and a great income.
Eldest is DS who has one child and one on the way. She has always worked as hard as us but does earn a lot less and rents has no savings and lives a bit more day to day than we do.

My parents have always told us the grandkids will have their own “ pot “ which will be equal.

However us as their children will get different amounts due to circumstances.
They would want to leave the house to sister
With w smaller cash inheritance
Then a bigger cash inheritance to me and DB ( it wouldn’t be as much as what the house is worth by any stretch )

I am ok with this and see their point in a way however DB feels a bit hurt they would leave the house to only one of us ?

OP posts:
lockeddownandcrazy · 21/11/2020 20:04

Their money, their choice - they don't owe you any inheritance at all.

Lovewinemorethanhusband · 21/11/2020 20:07

My parents in law have put different amounts for their children although grandchildren will have the same apart from step grandchildren as sil is on 3rd marriage and one if her step children refuses to speak to them so will get nothing! We have already had some money from them to help buy our house, but sil has been bailed out on numerous times due to drink, debts and drugs and previous divorces, she had 40k from 1st divorce and blew it all in 3 months and even though promised to put money for son in trust never did she just pissed it up the wall. We get money and she will get some money but we get the majority of the house and we can sell to her but she only gets a 30% share due to previous bail outs.

Lovewinemorethanhusband · 21/11/2020 20:08

My parents are leaving their house to my little sister and me and my older sister will get a lump sum, less than the house but we both have houses and my little sister doesn't, circumstances meaning she will never own a home unless inherited

Classicbrunette · 21/11/2020 20:13

Totally depends on the family dynamics and circumstances. It’s nobody’s business but the person who’s will it is. It’s THIER money to do what they feel is best. People who benefit anything should feel grateful.

shamalidacdak · 21/11/2020 20:28

Of course it's ok. What if you have six kids and only three cared about you and had a relationship with you? What if only one cared for you or became your carer? Why should the others get the same amount? What if one is a millionaire and the other is on skid row? There are so many reasons to leave different amounts and items. That's why trusts are so great so you can specify detailed assets and ensure they go to the right people.

beavisandbutthead · 21/11/2020 20:29

I missed the post about the sister being a midwife. I am a nurse and earn a very good wage and have a great pension. So I am sorry but unless she lives in london there is no reason she cant have a good lifestyle on a midwifes wage. I can only assume the rest of you earn alot which is why you view her as being the poor relation?

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 21/11/2020 20:38

I can understand why they are doing this. They want to be safe in the knowledge that all their children will be financially secure after their deaths.

I told my mum to leave me out of their will. Neither of my siblings have got a pot to piss in. Bizarrely l was the one born to a single 17 year old mother and a father that didn't want to know but l have achieved more than both of them put together. Let them have the money, l say. I won't need it, l would give it to my children.

SentientAndCognisant · 21/11/2020 20:39

Yes she’s in London as a mw

Inertia · 21/11/2020 20:52

I think your parents may be well-intentioned, but as it stands their legacy to their children is likely to result in sibling discord, because it doesn’t feel fair to each sibling. Leaving unequal shares (unless for reasons such as provision for a family member with a disability/ in need of ongoing care) is setting up tensions between siblings which could easily be avoided.

Your sister doesn’t have a house whereas you and DB do. Parents would like your sister to have a house. It doesn’t have to be their house.

If the finances and IHT rules allow, it seems fairest for your father’s money to go as a 50k each share to your brother and sister so that everything is on an equal footing. This may well give your sister enough for a house deposit. Any remainder, and your mother’s estate, should be split equally.

Specialgodson · 21/11/2020 20:54

Mine think it’s fine . Hopefully not for decades as I don’t like thinking about losing them but they are giving almost everything to my sibling including our childhood home which is my favourite place on earth and he visits rarely and says would rent out. His partner doesn’t like being so rural .
The odd thing is we are a very close family and I find it represents something altogether different to money, it’s what it means and how it makes me feel (deeply hurt that they didn’t even discuss it with me too to tell me. A friend of theirs told me recently they are making a mistake when I’m the one whose heart has been there since a child as it’s very wild. Our parents did though say they’d split their flat equally with me Confused. We have two DC and I just can’t imagine doing this and when we can’t buy our own home and my (lovely) sibling has .

I am hurt but grateful for DH who works hard and asks for nothing and don’t blame my sibling at all who I love and I don’t think has even thought about me really.
We personally will take DH’s parents approach who didn’t have much but spoke to each child to let them know their plans and tried to be fair which is all one can hope for really !

randomer · 21/11/2020 20:58

The midwife could come into money,the brother may need expensive health care are the OP could have a massive change in circumstances. Not wishing ill on anybody.

VestaTilley · 21/11/2020 21:04

I wouldn’t fall out over it as it sounds like your DPs are really trying to do right by everyone.

But I’d say always split things equally unless there’s a disabled child/children who’ll need long term care or other support.

Obviously it’s different if one child is on benefits and one child is a millionaire - but that would be rare I’m guessing...

tempnamechange98765 · 21/11/2020 21:05

It's a tricky one, as on paper it would be lovely if neither you nor DB minded your DSis having more seeing as she is worse off. Especially as you're clearly unusually comfortable if you only have a very small mortgage at the age of 28; a lot of people don't own a home at that age.

However I think I err on the side of things should be equal, as you never know what's round the corner for anyone. Also unless you're all extremely open and honest, you don't know the ins and outs of each others' finances. Your DB could well earn a high income but have high outgoings, hidden debt etc. Your DSis might not have been able to buy her own home because she's spent a lot on "luxuries" like holidays in the past.

I suspect this will be a very similar situation for my own DH and his two siblings; his youngest DSis is clearly his DM's favourite and as she is single and currently not a home owner, whereas he and his other sibling are married and own homes with their spouses, and the parents of both spouses are much better off than in laws themselves, I suspect the vast majority will go to youngest SIL!

Original poster
Whattheactual20201 · 21/11/2020 21:11

I should add I don’t own a massive house or anything like that. I have much less disposable income than DB. I am 28 with 2 kids in a 3 bed terrace.

OP posts:
Sophoa · 21/11/2020 21:14

All should be split equally unless there’s a specific health / disability reason why one of the children will need lifelong financial support. Anything else is completely unreasonable

Watermelon222 · 21/11/2020 21:14

I agree with those who say it should be equally split.

Ds may have spent more on meals, holidays etc, DB May have prioritised buying a house and have less of the other luxuries.

It’s all hypothetical of course but none of us know what the future holds.

GooseberryJam · 21/11/2020 21:53

OK, how about this? Your mum sells the house sooner rather than later, moves into the bungalow she wants and

GooseberryJam · 21/11/2020 21:56

(Hit post by mistake before I'd finished) gives each of you your inheritance then as a lump sum. Your brother doesn't have to feel put out and your sister can use hers as a deposit but with the advantage of getting it more quickly.

shelvira · 21/11/2020 21:59

It's very hurtful. I'm not sure how parents can expect their adult children to maintain a relationship if they treat them differently/favour one child over another. It would take a massive degree of bigheartedness, or possibly a massive lack of self-esteem, or possibly both, from the unfavoured child.

speakout · 21/11/2020 22:04

shelvira

Maybe they have a child who has wronged them badly, or stolen from them, or hasn't visited them in 15 years.
There are many reasons parents treat adult children differently.

Voice0fReason · 21/11/2020 22:09

I have never understood this notion of it always having to be equal - we're not all the same, we all have different needs.
I own my home outright. Extreme good fortune.
My brother is close to paying off his mortgage.
My sister rents. She works hard but will never own her own place.
Of course I want my parents to leave more to her. She would benefit from it in ways that we wouldn't.
It would be selfish of me to whine that it wasn't fair.

Clymene · 21/11/2020 22:11

@Voice0fReason

I have never understood this notion of it always having to be equal - we're not all the same, we all have different needs. I own my home outright. Extreme good fortune. My brother is close to paying off his mortgage. My sister rents. She works hard but will never own her own place. Of course I want my parents to leave more to her. She would benefit from it in ways that we wouldn't. It would be selfish of me to whine that it wasn't fair.
Why don't you just give her your share then?
sbhydrogen · 21/11/2020 22:20

If your brother feels hard done by, then the inheritance should be split three equal ways. However, you could gift her some extra so it's "fair".

Mortgageandmoney · 21/11/2020 22:27

My PIL completely cut out my DH. There has been no falling out. The house is worth half a million. DH very hurt (we both work, they do not) but have a small house and live within our means. We have no children and they have 4. I can't see the logic.

MustardMitt · 21/11/2020 22:37

Personally I think that in the event that there’s no animosity between siblings and no one with a disability, that inheritance should be split equally and then the sibs should make gifts between them if they feel one of them ‘deserves’ more money. Someone posted way up thread that sister has no stability or fall back and might end up in poverty - which is potentially true of anyone? Just because she’s not earning loads right now doesn’t mean she’s destined to a life of penury! And if she’s not paid into a pension, tbh it’s a bit shit to be relying on a windfall from a parents death (not saying this is the case at all, I just think the previous poster’s comment was a bit daft).

Your parents are clearly wealthy. Again, I think it should be split equally - but if that means one gets a £300k house and the others get cash or whatever then maybe that’s fair. It’s not fair for one person to get a house plus loads of cash.