Discussion on inheritance - is it sometimes ok to give children different amounts.

[Whattheactual20201]

Was talking to parents the other day and then DB
We are a family of 3 siblings, I am the youngest at 28 then the eldest is 36.
I have 2 children soon to be 3, my own house with a very small mortgage and not much left to pay. We survive and have luxuries. I do have savings
DB who is a few years older has 1 child but they are trying for number 2 and has a house with an affordable mortgage and a great income.
Eldest is DS who has one child and one on the way. She has always worked as hard as us but does earn a lot less and rents has no savings and lives a bit more day to day than we do.

My parents have always told us the grandkids will have their own “ pot “ which will be equal.

However us as their children will get different amounts due to circumstances.
They would want to leave the house to sister
With w smaller cash inheritance
Then a bigger cash inheritance to me and DB ( it wouldn’t be as much as what the house is worth by any stretch )

I am ok with this and see their point in a way however DB feels a bit hurt they would leave the house to only one of us ?

I also did have money saved in an account from childhood jobs - that my parents never allowed me at the time. Which I put towards a deposit when I received it.
That was helpful.

Sorry to read about your father. It seems to me that there is more than enough to go round, with the three children all getting something, either cash or house and their children also getting cash.

For those worrying about resentment and hurt feelings, hm...the sister with no house would feel hurt and resentment, presumably, knowing that her parents could have changed her life in such a significant way as to leave her with a house - which her siblings already have, and for which good luck to them, I say - but chose not to. The brother has already won the lottery of life - the great divide is house ownership - and if he can't see the need for his sister to get a leg up, I don't know.

OP, I don't see any need for you to offer the £50k to your brother and ask him if he will give it to his sister. He may resent that. You could give it half and half to brother and sister but that wouldn't be enough for her to get a house and he doesn't need it, so not much point really. Leave it to your parents to sort out as per the will. By the way does your sister have a spouse or partner? Implications of that too. And where is your mother going to live, when the will gives the house to sister?

@TW2013 we are all adopted.

They are biological siblings though where we I am not.

I’m starting to not be able to answer questions without outing who my parents are 🤣
My mum has her own money she doesn’t want to live in the bigger house so she wants to get a bungalow type properly.

Sorry, don't mean to pry! They are more trying to find justification for the different views. I would try to sit down just with FIL and discuss how you think your db feels and see if you can find some solutions. It sounds as if there should be enough money to make your dsis comfortable without alienating your db.

What does your sister think about this ?

@Mo81 she is at work today
I think I’m going to ring her tonight and speak to me dad to see if I can try and I don’t know calm them situation.

The problem when parents start to try to even things up between their children by leaving different amounts to each child is that there is no end to the variables.

One went to university the other didn't; he's a good saver, she's into spending; some children have had large families others no children or one child. One child may be really bright the others less so.......it goes on and on.

You can't make life equal for all your children, but you can distribute your wealth equally between them should you be fortunate enough to have assets to pass on. That doesn't stop any of them giving to their siblings after the event, if they feel that's what they want to do. But giving more to one than another, regardless of their individual circumstances, is leaving them a very bitter legacy, imo.

I definitely think it depends on circumstances. This seems like a pretty big difference in what each sibling would receive, although I would agree your sister needs more help as she's not a homeowner and doesn't earn as much as you or your brother.

I own and my sister doesn't, and I also earn significantly more than she does. I also chose to buy in an inexpensive area as I work from home, and she lives in one of the most expensive areas of the country and that makes buying as a single person even more difficult.

I fully acknowledge she would need more help in a hypothetical inheritance scenario, but if she was left the house and I was left cash that was a small percentage of what the house was worth I would likely feel a little miffed :) if the split was 60/40 or even 70/30 in her favour I would feel fine about it though.

That said: I do not expect to ever get an inheritance, or at least not until very late in life (I hope!) so if my parents were to give my sister a cash gift to help her buy a house I'd encourage it as I do want her to be able to own and I do currently earn a lot more than she does. If I had the cash spare, I'd gift her some cash to help her buy a house but I don't earn THAT much yet :)

@AnotherEmma - my comment about lefties was not so much aimed at the parents in this position (I think it's very difficult for parents), but at the suggestions during the thread that those who have more money will necessarily have worked harder than those with less. And the questions about why posters should be penalised for doing well. I would be interested to understand why people feel that way. I don't think I "deserve" to be paid as much as I am. I needed to do well academically to get my job, which is unpredictable and I work long hours, but it is also satisfying and interesting. I have benefited disproportionately from having skills our society pays well for. That is primarily down to luck. From my perspective, my parents would be well within their rights to want to even that up a bit, and I would never view that as "penalising" me for "doing well" (or, as I see it, for being very lucky).

Ah yes I see what you mean. I did find it interesting that lots of PPs have felt the need to point out how hard people have worked (or not). Deserving v undeserving poor!

The problem is that if the money is eaten up in care but the house is still left to her then your sister would get that and you and db would get nothing

This is a crucial point. The notion that your mum 'has enough in the pot' to pay for any care she needs is a risky one. Most people underestimate how much that would be. As a pp said, care homes average £1K a week - if you're in the south it'll be higher - so 10 years in a care home (say aged 85-95) would be at least 520K. If that's not available in cash that would have to come from the value of your mum's remaining property. So your mum's plan to sell up sooner rather than later and get herself a bungalow is very wise. I agree with posters who said it can get emotional when one sibling inherits the family home too. Far better to sell it now and give some money from that to your sister for a deposit. Then they could potentially plan to split what remains equally when they're both gone.

I do see the point about your brother feeling slighted by all this on an emotional level. Alongside that, it's hard to overlook though that anyone who earns 100K more than their sibling shouldn't really feel life has given the sibling a better deal. I think @NellWilsonsWhiteHair's point about how inheritance issues bring out resentment that was already there below the surface is really insightful.

@HotSince63 I would be casually mentioning to your FIL that he must have made plans for your SIL to look after him or organise care when he needs it. If he says he thought your DH as the responsible settled one would be better placed to do that - this wouldn't surprise me, I've seen it happen - you can make it clear that he can leave his money as he pleases, but what isn't on is expecting one child to get all the benefits but that the other will still pick up all the dirty work. It's most unfair.

I think fair = equal is simplistic. Families are complicated and there are a multitude of reasons why an unequal split might be the fairest thing to do.

Besides, nobody is entitled to an inheritance, and it is completely up to the ‘giver’ what they do. For example, I saw a thread on here recently where someone had been left money by the grandparent of an ex, and the family had been left nothing. Everyone was in agreement that if that was what the old man had wanted, then that was what was right and fair.

Your parents clearly have their reasons for wanting to leave the house to your sister, and it isn’t about favouritism. They love and respect you all enough to be discussing it now, i would respect them enough to honour their wishes.

I think particularly in the case of adopted children, it's really really important that parents are seen to treat them equally.

One would hope that parents had done a good job in raising reasonable, kind individuals. Therefore as in childhood, all should be shared equally.

The millionaire could have it swept away and the pauper could win the lottery.
The love and regard from parents, which in this case in expressed in inheritance should be equally shared out. Of course parents are at liberty to donate as they wish.

i completely see your parents point of view particularly in terms of different earning capacity e.g. a teacher v lawyer will never have the same earning capacity especially somewhere like london. its not a personal but structural inequality-and am assuming most people think there should still be teachers or nurses and i woild hope that their family would care whether they can afford a house on the pittance that our government pays them

i also think it can be a very real question if siblings live in different countries e.g. splitting things equally doesnt guarantee equality if one of the siblings lives in a much cheaper country

@GooseberryJam as the extra kick in the balls, DH gets the arse-ache of being executor of the will, SIL couldn't possibly help with that because.... ???

Anyway, we're about to have a discussion with him about Christmas dinner. After hosting him and SIL for the last 15 years we've decided we are having a break this year. I doubt SIL will do dinner and have him over and I'm not sure they'll go out for dinner if we're not going along to pay for it so I don't know (or much care) what either of them will do.

Any inheritance that is left should be completely equal. If you feel strongly that you should help your sister, then you can execute a deed of variation and pass over part of your inheritance.
The hurt that situations like this cause can fester for years.

There's really no "should" about it. Your parents are free to leave their money to anyone they want. They could leave it all to charity or simply have a ball with it before they die. FWIW, their decision seems fair.

@HallieKnight

Inheritance should be fair. Fair does NOT mean equal.

THIS ^

Inheritance should always be equal. Life is better for some and worse for others. I would always leave it in an equal split - if the beneficiaries then wanted to divvy it up differently between themselves, that's fine.

I suppose the argument about inheritance being split equally between the grandchildren isnt going to end up correct if one of the adults ends up with the house. As that house will I have no doubt in the event of her death the money from that property will be shared between your sisters DC.
My mum is clear we all inherit equally no matter who has more. at the end of the day the decision is your parents. Your parents probably dont see it as not being fair as they can see you and your brother are doing well and in there eyes dont need it. If your brother is aggrieved perhaps he should speak to your parents and suggest older sister is not gifted the house , however she can stay in it and in the event of her death the money from the property is shared equally amongst the grandchildren?

Inheritance isn't a right at all.

It is entirely someone's choice to do as they want with their money.

It would be a sad parent who'd brought up their children to let someone struggle because of some bizarre notion of fairness over equity.

I grew up on a farm. One sibling inherited the farm, the rest of us got much less (think £1M farm vs £10k cash). It's not fair but we grew up with the expectation of it. I'm certainly not going to fall out with my brother over it. We're in Scotland as well so were expected to sign away our rights to a fairer share of the assets.

It's very much a feminist issue as well, it's always a boy who inherit the valuable land and girls who get the smaller amounts of cash.

I think in the OPs situation then the parents should share it out evenly, all the DC are able bodied and NT, their life choices have affected their income. In cases where someone is e.g. disabled then things are slightly different.

These bloodline adverts at the moment are awful. But it goes to remind everyone if you want to ringfence your money in a will it's best to be specific.