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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Discussion on inheritance - is it sometimes ok to give children different amounts.

522 replies

Whattheactual20201 · 21/11/2020 12:16

Was talking to parents the other day and then DB
We are a family of 3 siblings, I am the youngest at 28 then the eldest is 36.
I have 2 children soon to be 3, my own house with a very small mortgage and not much left to pay. We survive and have luxuries. I do have savings
DB who is a few years older has 1 child but they are trying for number 2 and has a house with an affordable mortgage and a great income.
Eldest is DS who has one child and one on the way. She has always worked as hard as us but does earn a lot less and rents has no savings and lives a bit more day to day than we do.

My parents have always told us the grandkids will have their own “ pot “ which will be equal.

However us as their children will get different amounts due to circumstances.
They would want to leave the house to sister
With w smaller cash inheritance
Then a bigger cash inheritance to me and DB ( it wouldn’t be as much as what the house is worth by any stretch )

I am ok with this and see their point in a way however DB feels a bit hurt they would leave the house to only one of us ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattheactual20201 · 21/11/2020 15:55

@TW2013 yes. Well there’s I only loved there 10 years.

OP posts:
Feedingthebirds1 · 21/11/2020 15:55

Maybe the sister has chosen to be a nurse while DB has chosen to be a city banker? Doing what you love as a job, whatever that may be, is important.

OP my suggestion (fwiw!) would be that the house is sold, add in the cash and the value of what you were given. That makes the total pot equal to what it would have been if you hadn't. THEN I'd divide it up in such a way as your sister gets more than the two of you but not with the same level of discrepancy. Take out of your nominal share what you've already had, take the difference, and what's left will be the agreed split between sister and brother.

PS is DB hurt - or grabby?

Frokni · 21/11/2020 15:58

I feel it should be equal unless there's a disability or a NC-level falling out.

If your parents sell the house, plus leave the cash, your DSis will still be much better off regardless. There are also options for discussing this when your parents die to still allow the house to go to your sister whilst taking into account the difference in monies so she would need to buy you and DB out of your shares if that makes sense?

If you are close, it is easily sorted with everything still being split evenly but just looked at another way. Although, DSis doesn't just get the house off the bat. So much could change between now and then. That is, DSis could have saved for a deposit on a house.

Welshwabbit · 21/11/2020 16:04

I always think people who say Mumsnet is a hotbed of lefties should come on the inheritance threads. They'd soon learn.

OP, my husband and I have a high household income and we have both told our parents that we would prefer them to leave more money to our (less well earning) siblings. I don't know whether or not they will, but I hope they take us up on it. It is true that fortunes could change, but given our ages, where we are now and the savings we have built up, it is unlikely that we'll be on our uppers. I don't need the money, and I don't view inheritance proportions as indicating favoured child status. But I appreciate that's not the case for everyone.

randomer · 21/11/2020 16:04

Equal treatment and being fair are two completely different things and I think the people who complain, tend to be the usual cheeky fuckers in life

No they are the siblings who suffered the same abusive upbringing and wish for some fairness.

I went with DM to the solicitors to get it properly drawn up.

randomer · 21/11/2020 16:05

That is entirely different to having it dumped up on you.

HollowTalk · 21/11/2020 16:05

OP, do you mind my asking how you've almost paid off a house in London when you're only 28 and had a child very young?

I think what your parents should do in these circumstances is give your sister a big kick start on a mortgage. If they look at how much rent she pays now and gave her enough of a deposit so that she could continue with a similar amount, I think that would be fairest.

You don't mention your or your sister's partners. I think you have to consider what happens eg if your sister got the house and then died - would her husband/partner inherit that? I can see that would make you and your brother resentful.

My goal as a parent would be to have all three children getting on after I died, and I wouldn't do anything to prevent that happening.

Livelovebehappy · 21/11/2020 16:06

Definitely should be equal. Some people live for the day, others are savers. Why should the one who saves and is careful be penalised because another family member doesn’t think beyond the next day and spends all their money? Neither way is wrong, but it shouldn’t mean they’re treated differently when it comes to inheritance.

MaelyssQ · 21/11/2020 16:08

Your inheritance might come to nothing if either or both of your parents need 24/7 nursing care at some stage.

speakout · 21/11/2020 16:08

Does not have to be equal - at all.

nosswith · 21/11/2020 16:11

The person who said equal and fair are two completely different things are spot on in my opinion. Financially I have had several bits of good fortune/luck and so if my sibling is given more, I have no issue with that.

1FootInTheRave · 21/11/2020 16:11

I think it should be equal.

Circumstances change frequently so the sis may need it now, but what if the brother is made redundant and loses his house?

AnotherEmma · 21/11/2020 16:11

I don't think politics comes into it or at least it's not clear cut.

I'm as lefty as they come (would never vote Tory, over my dead body!) and a feminist. But I'm not going to fix society's economic inequalities by leaving different amounts of money to my children, and I'm not going to fix the gender pay gap by leaving more to my daughter than my son. They will get equal financial support and inheritance from me.

I do think that certain jobs should be much better paid (teaching, nursing, in fact most "key worker" type jobs!) but I'm not going to give my child extra money if they decide to do one of those jobs.

A PP mentioned playing god and I agree with that, we're not gods just parents.

Original poster
Whattheactual20201 · 21/11/2020 16:11

@HollowTalk I can’t say exactly what I do as I would completely out myself, I was very lucky to be given an opportunity after having DS so from 16 to 28 12 years ( minus 2 years where I was out for DD ) I have made my way up and particularly good at what I do. I do not earn as much as my DB but also don’t spend as much as him 🤣
I was lucky for the first few years of DS life I had very cheap rent and I was able to save.
I also live well below my means.
I don’t even have a phone contract 🤣
We don’t have sky or anything like that.
I am also not a clothes person.
I also do work on the side for commission.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 21/11/2020 16:12

Are all three of you adopted, OP? a because I think that changes the dynamic a bit, in that some of you may have baggage as a result. The older children weren't enough so more children were adopted etc.

It doesn't have to be rational for people to have deep insecurities about it.

I'd suggest a different split- maybe your mum moves into the bungalow, your sister into the house but continues to pay 'rent' into the estate or to the two of you.
She'll then be paying toward her share of the house.
There are ways of doing it so that she receives the house, and your brother doesn't feel short changed.

Original poster
Whattheactual20201 · 21/11/2020 16:13

My DP who we are just starting to settle down wirh each other after a very unexpected pregnancy earns 58k a year.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattheactual20201 · 21/11/2020 16:14

@picklemewalnuts yes all of us are but at diff age stages. I’ve been around a lot less time 🤣

OP posts:
Muddledupme · 21/11/2020 16:14

We dealt with the same situation by inheriting according to the will then we gifted to each other to make it equal. Once you've inherited the money you can use it as you see fit and we decided that our future relationships were worth more than money.

Original poster
Whattheactual20201 · 21/11/2020 16:15

I also caused the most trouble in the less time 🤣

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 21/11/2020 16:16

That makes me laugh!

Original poster
Whattheactual20201 · 21/11/2020 16:17

@picklemewalnuts BUT they are biological siblings - I am not.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattheactual20201 · 21/11/2020 16:18

Which could be the reason I suppose that Maybe I am less emotionally involved - but I don’t know.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 21/11/2020 16:20

When my Mum died she left all her DC exactly the same. 1 sister and also me are quite well off. 2 sisters fairly secure and their mortgages paid off. Youngest sister very grateful for inheritance as she had huge debts, mostly because her DH job is very insecure and she is on MW. She paid off all their debts had some urgent work carried out on her house and bought all her kids new clothes, shoes and coats and new bedding for home and replaced her washing machine and cooker. She had very little left. I used some of mine as deposit for another buy to let. 2 years later my sisters old car conked out so she could not get to work. I bought her another car using some of my inheritance and also paid an allowance to my dniece for 4 years she was at uni as her Mum could not afford to help her. I am happy to help my sister as she has more need. My other sisters help her out too. I would have been upset if my Mum had left the rest of us less because we would have felt less loved. I also think if siblings get unequal inheritance it weakens their future relationship. My dh's parents discussed and considered leaving his brother their house and DH a lesser amount of money and when he thought that was what they would do my dear sensible husband said to me his parents had always loved his brother more. He did not say anything to his parents as he says it is their money to do as they wish with but he was surprisingly upset. Then on a visit to in-laws about a year later his Dad just mentioned they had considered leaving his brother more but decided against it they realised it would be unfair to DC. WTF????

SugarCoatIt · 21/11/2020 16:22

I think that the inheritance should be equal between the three siblings, I think things get complicated when grandchildren get added to the equation, and that they shouldn't be included as it's not fair on those who don't have kids as at that point in time.

It also feels like penalising those who have done well for themselves - it's not their fault they've been successful or had a better stroke of luck.

I'm speaking in very general terms here.

I can see why your DB is upset.

TW2013 · 21/11/2020 16:24

I think being their childhood home makes a difference too. Is it in a location where he might have considered buying you two out? We didn't want to and bil couldn't afford to but even though dh didn't want to move to FIL'S house he did say it would have felt really strange visiting his brother there if they had redecorated(it needed it) or changed lots of things.

Plus, and I am not sure how to say this sensitively, is there any possibility that your db might feel as if because you are adopted, if they are not, he is somehow not being treated as equal as his other sister but more like you. I am sure that this is not in your father's mind, but sibling rivalry can run deep.