If you’ve ghosted a friend why did you do it?

[friedshrimp]

Just that really. Recently ghosted by a friend with no explanation - there were no issues, everything was fine and we chatted almost everyday. Why does it happen?

"Well, she isn't a friend, is she? To you or to them. She deliberately sows division and conflict, for reasons that don't matter because they won't justify it. She gets off on setting people against each other. Who needs it?

Given that she's not a friend, I don't think you need to feel bad about ghosting her, though you could tell her why you're knocking it on the head if you think that'll make it easier."

She has her good sides as well and I don't make friends easily myself so I just take breaks every now and then.

One friend was using me as an alibi to hide her affair. I ghosted her as soon as I found out.

Another was vile to another friends new girlfriend. He sneered in contempt and was very condescending to her because she worked stacking shelves in aldi. I never spoke to him again.

I haven't but I nearly have. I decided to be really brutally honest and back of simultaneously,luckily it worked. She helped me thru a very bad time (which I'm truly grateful for) but when I started getting better and going on with life,she didnt like it. Things I remember now but ther were many more,include;
Hanging up on me when she phoned and I was at the pub. Because I'd not told her I was going*
Throwing an angry strop because I answered a phone call to my abusive ex. It was a 2 min phone call, about the house we used to share. A required call I needed to take. Anger from my ex, her abuse as a result,is why this friend had supported me,i didnt need it from her now, too.
Ringing me all the time when i was out (I'd not gone out for months because i was so depressed) and wanting long calls. I understand why that upset her but,it seemed like she wanted to keep me upset so I relied on her more or continued to.
I realised she wanted more than friendship and although I appreciate her support and always have, it left a bad taste with me. I felt she had supported me hoping to gain a relationship from it.

• she lives miles away, it wasnt a case of I could have invited her. I feel terrible that I hurt her,it wasn't ever my intention. I was vulnerable after an abusive relationship and leant on her. Perhaps I shouldn't have. But it couldnt carry on where it was going so yes in almost ghosted but I decided to tell her the truth about how I felt, that she was being controlling..luckily she is an intelligent person and trusted me with it, and she has actually changed herself for the better now, not just regarding me but in other realms of her life, so I am pleased I did that option.

@BecomeStronger I could have written your post. I am going through a very similar situation happen right now. Someone who I thought was a good friend, was just not there at all when going through a very tough time. I didn’t have as much time for her-due to firstly own ill health swiftly followed by having to care for a very sick family member in the summer. Now she is ghosting me. I feel pretty foolish and saddened and exactly that- I am just not useful to her anymore.

I ghosted a friend a couple of years ago. She'd always been a bit of a bad friend and a compulsive liar. But I messaged her when pregnant to tell her the baby had issues and was no longer growing. She replied "That's great, small baby is an easy birth!" Final straw.

@BadLad

Because I realised than in actual fact I hated him.

We had been best friends at school.

He came for lunch when we were at different universities.

After about half an hour, I realised I couldn't bear him.

We finished off, said goodbyes.

That was that.

I kind of have this with an old school friend - not hate, just think we don't have anything in common any more. Awkwardly, she's rekindled the friendship with mutual friends and we're now in the same group of friends again. I was really happy to see how well she's doing, how her family is etc. but am still not sure that we are suited as company for each other.

Friend was having an affair with several people behind husbands back which I wasn't comfortable with so I blocked her on everything. Husband contacted me later to say they were divorcing so I had to explain why I'd cut her off.

@pessimistiquerealistique but it depends if the person you are ghosting is emotionally abusing you and you are ghosting to get away. Every scenario is different.

@pessimistiquerealistique

Ghosting is equal to an emotional abuse. The other person may have no clue why you are doing it. You may have good reasons to not to talk to that person any ore but you may be also wrong to do it. Some people ghost because they heard something without checking if it was true or not.

No, I don't agree that it's always abusive. Some friendships do just wither naturally, you see each other less and less frequently, etc.

I agree that if it's a close friend, they deserve an explanation. However, we can see from this thread that some of the people being ghosted would react very badly and aggressively themselves to being criticised.

@Gwenhwyfar I think toxic encompasses lots of behaviours that are just that - poisonous. It was just an example, really. My main point was that people can take anything that's currently being talked about and bend it to justify something. And it depends on what you're being 'negative' about, surely? Positivity can be toxic too. I think it's too complex and case-by-case to simply say ghosting is bad, negativity is bad.

Because I don't have time for dramatic or negative relationships and if you're behaving badly and I don't want to be friends with you anymore, there's no point in discussing it. If I value the relationship and trust there'll be a change in the behaviour then I would discuss it.

She chose to go to her boyfriends friends birthday party, and I was on phone begging her to come to hospital. I was in labour. She said no she was tired. She also would respond to my messages two weeks later but read them automatically.

Ghosted an acquaintance because I always arranged meeting up and her only topic of conversation was herself, her child, her work. She wasn't really interested in me or my friendship, so I respected it and found people who were.

Ghosted another acquaintance because she's always been cool/neggy to me. And on occasion really rude. She once acted very interested in my professional qualification, having never been interested before, and then kind of smiled awkwardly and said, "You'll have guessed I have an ulterior motive in talking to you about this," and asked what she was interested in (help with a problem related to my profession)... bleurgh.

However, if I arrange anything to do with our mutual hobby she's all over it and acts put out if she finds out I've done something without inviting her.

I don't need her in my life. I've realised she'll never like me apart from what I can do for her.

Not everyone has to get on, there's something about me that she's not keen on, and I respect that.

I ghosted someone I liked very much because she always cancelled meet ups at the last minute. She probably cancelled 2 out of every 3 meet ups or more - sometimes we’d reschedule and then she’d cancel the rescheduled meet up. It was disappointing because sometimes I’d have refused other invitations because I had prior arrangements with her - it got so I never really believed we’d meet up and so if we did, it was an unexpected bonus. And then I just couldn’t be bothered any more so I ghosted her.

"I ghosted someone I liked very much because she always cancelled meet ups at the last minute. She probably cancelled 2 out of every 3 meet ups or more - sometimes we’d reschedule and then she’d cancel the rescheduled meet up."

One cancellation without a good reason is enough for me not to contact someone again. It hardly every happens to me, unlike many MNers - the last time was when someone cancelled because it was raining. We're not close enough for there to be a need to ghost - I just made the decision that I wouldn't bother again.

I think some friendships become toxic . I had a friend who after 14 years I realised we had a very different friendship to the one I was having . She was insanely jealous and bitter and spreading lies about me . I just stopped all contact , no idea if she thinks she has been ghosted but I deserved better!

I’ve stopped bothering with an ex friend who made absolutely everything about herself. It was tiring being in a competition I didn’t want to be part of. I once started to tell her about my plans to move out of our home town and within seconds we were discussing her recent weekend away. I stopped talking about it and she never went back to the conversation or mentioned it again. Was then surprised to hear I’d moved 3 hours away a few months later.

I may react like that because I was ghosted by one person (an adult, not a teenager) and it felt very unfair. I know for sure that the other person was wrong. In this case it felt like an emotional abuse but I do agree that sometimes you have to stop the contact as a result of their abusive behaviour.

@Lifeisgood1

I've been ghosted by someone i thought was a friend recently. She was there when i went through a difficult time but once i'd picked myself up she was no longer interested. She had a few issues in her life which i tried to help with but she was always argumentative and everything i said was wrong. It appears i am no longer useful so i've been dropped.

@Lifeisgood1 this happened to me. Had a tough time, friend texted/chatted etc but once I was moving on and going forwards she completely blanked me. She also had some difficulties going on and I have been supportive and always made sure I asked about her issues.

I wonder if there’s an element of jealousy when they see you’ve picked yourself up?

@pessimistiquerealistique

Ghosting is equal to an emotional abuse. The other person may have no clue why you are doing it. You may have good reasons to not to talk to that person any ore but you may be also wrong to do it. Some people ghost because they heard something without checking if it was true or not.

It's not emotional abuse. It may not be very nice in some cases but it's the most efficient way of cutting out toxic, manipulative, nasty, abusive people.

Nobody's entitled to our time and tinewasters don't deserve another second.

I was ghosted by very close friend. Found it probably one of the most hurtful experiences I could have. Was out of the blue when my first baby was young & I was finding life hard as you do as a new mum. She did tell me why after several months but I had to get it out of her. I had upset her over the years but she hadn’t wanted to tell me. I had been there for her through a lot I felt & feel awful that id upset her as never intended too. I see now I had misjudged the friendship & have left her alone. I feel lucky to have a good group of friends who maybe as lives change over the years I have similar mindsets with rather than childhood friend

It wasn’t called ghosting - I’ve done it twice - just let a friendship drift when someone’s been really hurtful . Both years ago . The second time the friend didn’t make any contact with me either though so I guess it was done for them too . The first time I was quite young and received a long diatribe from a close friend all about what a useless friend I was ... as an older person I now know she had bipolar - at the time I had no experience to know how to deal with it . We’ve been back in contact a while now - not close but keep in touch .

My young daughter was ill, I was offered a friend's house as a respite break for myself, asked old friend A to come with me as a break and a chance to spend some time together. First night was fine, then the second night she started going on about how fat I was. I was hurt but assumed she was a bit drunk; then the next morning she said the same thing again - in fact she went out of her way to repeat it "Oh yes last night I was saying how fat you are". We'd been friends for 20+ years and I've been this size for 20 years so it hardly came as a surprise to her. Frankly I would have been happy to give her a piece of my mind but she made it clear she wasn't bothered if she'd upset me.

Friend B - always unwilling to meet up but I wasn't bothered, happy to keep in touch by text or phone. Came to see me one Christmas and said she couldn't spend any time with me because her father was ill. I'm not sure if she'd forgotten all the photos she'd posted of her being out at clubs every night the week before, with a mutual friend. So decided that one should die a death. I didn't ghost so much as waited till she said "oh we must have a coffee" some weeks later and then said "no I'm busy".

So basically I feel justified, sad but true sort of thing. Have also cut a few people out for racism. Again, sad but I feel its justified.

I've had a bit of an epidemic of it in the last couple of years due to major (really major) life changes, including a massive but painfully won improvement to my mental and physical health. The friendships I have had to drop ended up that way because for years I had very poor boundaries low self-esteem and tended to lean on people who wanted to "save" me. So I invited them to get involved in my life and decision-making and then became really uncomfortable once I was stronger on my feet and they kept sticking their noses in, especially if they questioned my judgment publicly or were clearly hoping I'd go back to the victim role. But I was still a bit crap at listening to my own feelings, so I'd keep putting up with it and making excuses, maybe trying to effect a bit of change as nicely as possible, until I was so irritated that the whole thing was irreparable. A few long-term friendships went that way, and it was usually those I'd made at a very low point in my life. But others have hung in and got even better and more rewarding, and I truly value those friends.

I got ghosted, and I think it's purely down to the fact that she and her husband didn't get a formal invite to my new house. Pathetic. I figured it out. I was going out of my way contacting her, arranging to meet up, she basically started ignoring me. We had a lot on when we moved, the house just wasn't ready for guests, she clearly thought she's so bloody entitled. I did invite her over when I realised it's because of that, but she refused to come as her husband isn't free at the weekdays. It's my house and am not available at weekends. She's not been in contact since and neither have I, am done sucking up to people.