If you’ve ghosted a friend why did you do it?

[friedshrimp]

Just that really. Recently ghosted by a friend with no explanation - there were no issues, everything was fine and we chatted almost everyday. Why does it happen?

I’m considering ghosting a friend. Sounds awful, I know. But I’ve felt this way for quite a long time.
She drains me, we always seem to have to talk about her problems, we do talk about mine sometimes but I feel she’s not really listening. Before lockdown happened if ever we were going to meet up I’d just feel flat and not excited, just like I couldn’t be bothered with it.
It always seems that I have to be the first to text & it’s become a chore to be honest. I’ve not texted in a while now to see how long it would be before she’s texts me. Nearly a month now.
I don’t really know if I’m hanging onto our friendship because we’ve been friends since we were 11 (28 now). Maybe she is too?
I feel that we’ve just grown apart and gone different ways.
I feel terrible about it and don’t know what to do!

I've been on both sides of the fence with the same person!

I had a close friend from my late teens who was a real sulker and would have huge mood swings and I was constantly on eggshells around her. But I also adored her because of our history (I was bridesmaid when she got married etc) so I ignored how bad it could be. It was only when me and my new partner at the time (now my long-standing DP) went round for dinner with her and her DH and she was incredibly rude to me and he was like, "why are you putting up with that shit?" that I realised how awful she could be. But me being me and our dynamic being as it was, I sent flowers to apologise for whatever it was I'd done wrong (I still don't know to this day!), only for her to ignore me still for another week. Finally the scales fell from my eyes and I ghosted her.

However, about 18 months later she got in touch and because I had missed her I let her back into my life. But the dynamic had shifted and the friendship felt awkward and forced, so when she ghosted me by binning me off FB I was overwhelmingly relieved. A couple of times she's reached out and I've heard from a mutual friend she regrets cutting me off, but I've ignored it all. The friendship was just too toxic and draining for me to want to give it another go.

Its interesting though as we have this term "ghosting" now and we have social media through which we can ghost, but 20 years ago this would simply have meant not telephoning someone or always being out or unavailable if they phoned. Then it was just giving someone the cold shoulder I suppose - was it easier to deal with then?

"
I wonder if there’s an element of jealousy when they see you’ve picked yourself up?"

Yes, but also people who are 'down' gravitate towards each other and have less in common if one of them gets better.

Posted too early! Anyway, I'm very aware that the friends I ended up having to drop were not a good thing in my life by the end. They clearly saw me in a pretty instrumentalising way. But it was also absolutely on me, because if I'd been in better shape and listened to myself more I wouldn't have made those friends so central to my life, and I might have asserted myself earlier and with better effect and been able to salvage something. I've also been a ghostee, and I know how shitty it is and am determined not to get to that point again. Chin up, OP

I have ghosted a couple of friends and am not proud of it. I could have done it differently.

One had a chip on her shoulder after buying a big house and kept talking down to me. She was always so smug and I decided not to bother anymore.

Another I tried to build a friendship with but it was impossible to talk to her about anything. She would constantly dish out advice, tell me what's best to do for me I found it exhausting. I kept trying to have a normal conversation but it was impossible. She'd also constantly go on about her own problems - she should have taken some of her own advice.

I 'ghosted' my childhood friend. I went to her 40th birthday party and stayed at her house. Everyone, except me, was high on coke. I couldn't get to bed til 4am.

Coked up people are very boring.
But the main issue was that she was so wasted she couldn't remember paying the babysitter and there was still coke all over the surfaces when the two year old got up, and friend and her husband were in no fit state to be in charge of him.

I took us all out for breakfast because I couldn't stand the state of the flat. I felt like I should have called social services really.

Just couldn't be friends after that, not that she's been in contact with me either. Though her husband has looked at my Linked In profile recently.

Yep. I probably should have been brave enough to tell her what the issue was face-to-face. But every time we met she would spent 90% of the conversation talking about herself and her woes. Then my Mum died and she didn't even phone/write/text to say 'really sorry/thinking of you'.

I just found the bereaved me just didn't have the energy to keep that friendship going anymore....

Because she lied about her child having a medical condition. She is still very busy convincing everyone that I'm the problem, I suspect to discredit me in case I tell people (I won't, I don't want the stress of her rage, I had to remove myself from the situation though)

Because she was getting very overbearing and clingy. We lived in different cities and it was always me travelling to her. I then moved away from our hometown myself and she didn't once suggest coming to see me but was constantly asking when I was going to her.
Id been trying to phase her out for about year, I'd just got engaged and she was getting really arsey with me and was quite hostile towards my now husband. I could just see her taking over all my hen do and wedding preparations and I was getting a bit worried about how I was going to manage the situation. She got really annoyed with me when I told her I wasn't sure how much time I would have to catch up with her over Christmas and she sent me a really snotty message saying how angry she would be if I didnt find at least half a day for her. I just never replied and that was that. I'm not proud of it, I think I could have handled it better as we were good friends at one point.

Yes and it broke my heart.
Kids godmother and close friend of many years. She was selling Herbalife and got involved with what I can describe as a cult. Only wanting to mix with as she classed positive people ie her fellow reps attending seminars.
One day chatting the next silence..no explanation and this has continued for five years

I didn't really ghost them but I tried to phase out my NCT group and when that didn't work I started cutting them off Facebook which caused a huge argument with one in particular.

They were never my kind of people in the first place and I found two of them had a tendency to be a bit mean when they were together.

One of them I think thought we were better friends than we were and was desperate for 'answers'.

I just could not see what possible good would come from me telling her I found her competitive, full of herself and extremely draining to be around. She didn't need or deserve a character assassination she had plenty of other friends she just wasn't my cup of tea.

She was pretty livid with me. We had known each other a few years and I guess to her that meant we were close but I had always found the friendship difficult.

Wish I had backed away at the start but the fog of new motherhood and people insisting I needed a 'support network' made me give it way more of a chance than I should have.

I ghosted a friend , or rather dropped off communication and refused suggestions to get together. The issue I had was with the friend's husband who was super controlling and gave me the creeps. We couldn't do anything without him tagging on too and dominating the conversation. In retrospect I regret that I was too much of a coward to come clean and tell her that I didn't have an issue with her personally. I didn't want to offend her choice of husband but I really wanted to completely distance him from my life.

I think with age I would be more forthright and honest now. I can see how ghosting is cowardly and can leave the person hurting and confused.

@itsakindarabbitrabbit

I didn't really ghost them but I tried to phase out my NCT group and when that didn't work I started cutting them off Facebook which caused a huge argument with one in particular.

They were never my kind of people in the first place and I found two of them had a tendency to be a bit mean when they were together.

One of them I think thought we were better friends than we were and was desperate for 'answers'.

I just could not see what possible good would come from me telling her I found her competitive, full of herself and extremely draining to be around. She didn't need or deserve a character assassination she had plenty of other friends she just wasn't my cup of tea.

She was pretty livid with me. We had known each other a few years and I guess to her that meant we were close but I had always found the friendship difficult.

Wish I had backed away at the start but the fog of new motherhood and people insisting I needed a 'support network' made me give it way more of a chance than I should have.

Sorry, but you sound a bit two-faced if you never likes those people, but pretended you did.

I did it once to a very close friend at the time. I felt like I'd supported her a lot through some pretty traumatic things, and when I needed support she bailed on me. I felt very hurt and it made me see our friendship in a very different light. I might not ghost her again in the same situation because it was pretty stressful, but I would definitely take a massive step back and cool the friendship considerably.

I’m fairly sure I’ve been ghosted due to religion (evangelical Christianity) twice - I was no longer an appropriate friend due to being a (quiet unless asked about religion) atheist. I did wonder about the level of influence their new churches had over them, at the time.

She slept with my husband.

One was a raging alcoholic who made constant poor decisions around men and I just didn't have the mental or emotional capacity to deal with the constant drama.

I did it because the friend was just emotionally draining. I felt exhausted after seeing her and listening to her non stop talking about herself in tedious detail.

I once ghosted a close friend of about 15 years. It took me a few years to realise she was only friends with me out of convenience and she only ever contacted me if she wanted something. She never just sent messages to ask how I was or kept track of important things/dates in my life like I would with her. I was not an important part of her life and it became more and more obvious.
One day we went out for food together (after it taking about two months to get a date in her busy schedule) and she spent the whole time on her phoning arranging a meet up with someone else for the next day, taking calls from other friends and just being as disinterested in me as she possibly could. I made my excuses and left as soon as I could, despite her trying to insist I stay as she "was having such a good time catching up" - not sure how as she'd barely spoken to me all evening.
Afterwards I made the decision to not contact her again and cut her out my life completely - that meal had been an epiphany and my life changed for the better at that moment. About two months later she tried texting me asking what was going on and was I angry with her as I hadn't been in touch - up till this point, neither had she, she'd clearly realised it was usually me that text/called first. I never replied to her and haven't spoken to her since.
It's been about 15 years since we last spoke and although I've seen her once or twice in that time, we've not even made eye contact. I don't miss her at all.

I tried an experiment with another friend last year when I realised it was always me making the first move. I decided to not text her and see how long it took for her to contact me. It took about six months and during that time I had a really rough time and would have loved my friend to have been there for me. I was close to cutting her off completely when she text me out the blue to meet up for a meal. Turns out she'd also had an awful six months and had felt really alone and unable to reach out to anyone. We reconnected at that point and have been in touch regularly since then despite COVID putting a stop to us meeting up.

Sometimes ghosting is for the best, other times it can be very damaging.

Exactly Gwenhyfar that's why I extricated myself, because it was was two faced.

Because it was an NCT group there were extra complications of their children being (at that time) my dc only friends and I felt guilty about disrupting that.

These things can be quite complex, don't you think?

I ghosted a friend who became far to needy and dependant on me, friendship needs to be a balance, but everything was all about her, and most conversations involved her moaning about how terrible her life was, and how it was everyone else's fault, or slagging off mutual friends, who she would then be nice as pie to their face to - got me thinking she was probably slagging me off uphill, and down dale as well, and I just couldn't handle that level of 2 faced. Every time I came away from being in her company I felt emotionally ground down.

Ghosted a friend of 20 plus years, was always there for her but when I went through some serious rubbish times, she never so much as messaged or sent a card (bereavement) I looked back over the friendship and realised just how one sided it was, she was a very me, me me person and if you'd a cold she'd a broken leg type thing, it was like playing a woeful game of top trumps.

Ghosted a friend who sent me the most unbelievable insensitive message of condolence, that included accusing me of ignoring her at a party we'd both been at a few weeks before I suffered the bereavement, and saying how annoyed she was but none of that mattered now (I hadn't intentionally ignored her, and she hadn't come up to me either, but she seemed to miss the point)

I now surround myself with positive people, I've no room for negative, emotional vampires, and fake in my life.

I was still sad to let the friendships go, initially, but a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders, life's just too short.

@Gwenhwyfar

" telling me how much all of our mutual friends hated me. I was as sure as I could be that the latter wasn't true"

I have a friend who does this. It's harder to deal with because I think the things she says are true, things like 'x says you didn't look good that day' or 'x says you're too y'. Yes, they probably meant it, but it wasn't meant to come to me with added nastiness. It's hard because I have to make an effort to stay friends with those people because falling out with them is what she'd want (on her bad days).

I'd be tempted in that case to say, really? Must have a chat with them, I didn't realise... Because chances are the 'friend' is making it up. I did it to someone at work one time who said our manager had said x and y. I said I will arrange a meeting with her, because I need to sort that out. The story changed very quickly.

I also have a sibling who takes comments out of context and repeats them, I don't feed that anymore. I keep conversations very superficial. She still hasn't figured out what I'm doing, or indeed why I do it.

OP, can you define 'friend' in this scenario?

I am handholding a friend of mine through trying to get rid of an acquaintance. The acquaintance is a total steamroller, doesn't seem to have any boundaries or social skills at all, and wants to see my friend every single weekend. Friend finds her hard work, doesn't enjoy her company much and has discovered this woman is racist, but the woman is persisting in trying to make plans with her - she doesn't pick up on cues or hints and is very demanding and intense. It occurs to me that if my friend does succeed in shaking her, the woman could describe her as 'a friend who ghosted me' although 'friend' is rather subjective here.

I'm not suggesting you're racist, intense and socially inept, but just offering some perspective! If it's quite a new friendship it may change things slightly.

My DS11 was ghosted a few months ago by a friend. He didn't know he was ghosted until after a week to 2 weeks of contacting him, being ignored and then the penny dropped when some of his peers let him know that he had been ghosted as the boy told them. My son was very upset, confused and felt humiliated.

I was **ing livid that someone would treat someone who is meant to be a close friend like this. During this time his mum didn't contact me either, which is really unusual. From what I can see from the communication preceding this, it was out of petty jealousy.

After a while the DC decided he had punished my DS enough and wanted to be friends again. I asked his mum why he had ghosted my DS and she came out with some bullshit. I had taken this extra time we had on our hands from not hanging out with him to coach my DS on how people should be treated and about self respect. I told him that he wasn't a friend and friends don't do that and to make year 7 a new start, with new people. He did this and now has a lovely set of new friends who don't act like spoilt brats and he hasn't spoken to the other boy since.

The child's mum actually went on to give me loads of grief and caused some trouble for my DC when he didn't jump at being friends again but was very firmly put back in her box.

Recently I have been ghosted by someone who was a semi-friend. Whenever she sees me she blanks me. At first I was a bit taken aback but now, when I see her I give a massive smile and a head tilt. She is a massive drama llama and I cannot for the life of me think what I have done wrong, just that I am this seasons drama and cliff hanger.

Ghosting people is immature and nasty. If you do it to people please don't think you are big and clever. As for how to deal with it. Well, be bright and breezy and get on with your life. Show that person that when they ghosted you, they did you a favour and you didn't realise it till now, but they were dragging you down.

I've been on both sides of this. The time I ghosted a friend was when I found out she had slept with my boyfriend then lied about it. When I confronted her about it she threatened to tell the wives/girlfriends of male friends of mine I had been having affairs with them. She left it a few days then tried to get in touch and act all normal. I ignored every attempt then blocked her and changed my number.

The time it's been done to me was when I wouldn't skip my eldest sons birthday to go out on the piss with her for her birthday. I was also breast feeding with an 8 week old at the time and was not ready to leave him plus suffering a few complications following birth. So because I wouldn't put her first she ghosted me. I tried to reach out a few times as she was suffering depression and having problems in her marriage and it was usual that we would go a few weeks without speaking but eventually I gave up. She did it to alot of people. Our priorities changed. My family always has been priority for me while she wanted to get revenge on her husband and getting drunk and getting attention from men was hers.