If you’ve ghosted a friend why did you do it?

[friedshrimp]

Just that really. Recently ghosted by a friend with no explanation - there were no issues, everything was fine and we chatted almost everyday. Why does it happen?

Because they were hard work and I just didn't want to be friends anymore. It's part of life and happens to us all occasionally. Dust yourself off and don't think of her anymore.

I’ve been ghosted quite a few times, I expect because I’m no longer useful (both DH and I have skills which are expensive to hire, so freebies or ‘mates rates’ are often sought out by our friends). I also think I have bad taste in friends. Perhaps because we moved a lot (12 schools) so I’m trying to build a superficial connection into something more than it is. Right now I’m being semi ghosted by three friends... they need me so they can’t ignore me in an obvious way, but the conversation is stilted and uncomfortable. Equally, I’ve made a promise so I can’t block them either (my word is my bond etc) so I’ve put the conversation on mute.

I’ve ghosted one person as she has constant family drama and after nearly three years, I felt her problems were exhausting me. I helped her apply for various supports which she would then opt out of within weeks, then she’d be back moaning again. I felt my help was enabling her and I was too invested in supporting her over my own life.

@Applesonthelawn

I did, friend of 20 years. She behaved as if she utterly loathed me and complained about everything I did, and continually gave advice that I knew would make my life worse. Basically she was jealous and became classic abusive. She did have mh issues but I explained many times that friendship was not about me being her punching bag. I eventually ghosted her one year when I had been fretting about what to get for her birthday - it was always such a massive deal, sad face when it wasn't exactly what she wanted (always costs over £100 quid), always asked for the receipt the second I gave it to her. This one year I just thought why am I bothering worrying about it. Birthday came and went, I never spoke to her then or since. I'm not proud of it at all but I was at the end of my tether with her.

OMG, where did you actually meet this friend?

I would have ended the friendship after the first time that they were rude about a birthday present.

" telling me how much all of our mutual friends hated me. I was as sure as I could be that the latter wasn't true"

I have a friend who does this. It's harder to deal with because I think the things she says are true, things like 'x says you didn't look good that day' or 'x says you're too y'. Yes, they probably meant it, but it wasn't meant to come to me with added nastiness. It's hard because I have to make an effort to stay friends with those people because falling out with them is what she'd want (on her bad days).

I ghosted someone who may have considered me a friend - to me she was an annoying work colleague I had no respect for, who was constantly pestering me for lunches / after work drinks / advice. I went to lunches many times to be polite/kind but after one particularly hideous lunch where her saliva kept spraying all over my food I just followed my gut and ghosted her. She was in a different department by then so I was able to avoid her at work.

@dogseggs I do wonder whether the trend for positivity and cutting negative people out (I don't mean in a genuine, life affirming, abuser-escaping way here, I hope this comes across) has been picked up and used by selfish people as a way to justify hideous behaviour. I'm aware this could get me flamed - what I mean is, talking about toxicity is common now and I think anyone has the ability to twist a narrative to suit their own ends. I don't believe all people cutting out others in their lives are doing so selfishly. I think this thread shows that even the word 'ghosting' has different meanings for different people.

I've been ghosted by someone i thought was a friend recently. She was there when i went through a difficult time but once i'd picked myself up she was no longer interested. She had a few issues in her life which i tried to help with but she was always argumentative and everything i said was wrong. It appears i am no longer useful so i've been dropped.

Catkin that is awful. What a horrible, insensitive person she sounds. I hope you have some better friends now.

@Gwenhwyfar

" telling me how much all of our mutual friends hated me. I was as sure as I could be that the latter wasn't true"

I have a friend who does this. It's harder to deal with because I think the things she says are true, things like 'x says you didn't look good that day' or 'x says you're too y'. Yes, they probably meant it, but it wasn't meant to come to me with added nastiness. It's hard because I have to make an effort to stay friends with those people because falling out with them is what she'd want (on her bad days).

Well, she isn't a friend, is she? To you or to them. She deliberately sows division and conflict, for reasons that don't matter because they won't justify it. She gets off on setting people against each other. Who needs it?

Given that she's not a friend, I don't think you need to feel bad about ghosting her, though you could tell her why you're knocking it on the head if you think that'll make it easier.

Usernamechange101
I too think you should write to your friends and tell them. We are coming up to Christmas you could put a note in a Christmas cards, you don't even need to go into detail "Sorry I deleted you, I really miss you, but I was struggling at the time and couldn't cope, please get in touch."

What's the difference between ghost and drift??
I've done the thing of letting friends drift, when I realise that I was putting in all the effort. And mutual support was lacking.
I thought a friend was trying to ghost me but I now think she was just having a hard time.

Yes I have, and I am not proud. I'd say it's one of my biggest regrets and I wish almost every day I could reach out and make amends, but know I don't deserve that second chance.
Reasons I did it; I was very ill with an ED and my friends were 'too close'; I feared being found out, that's how all consuming it was. I've been better for 7 years now, and regret those lost years and friendships.

"It's highly unlikely that anyone is ever ghosted for "no reason" or "no issues"."

Oh, I'm not sure. I think some people just move on, either geographically or to a kind of life that the old friend doesn't fit in any more and they just lose interest. I'm sure it's not always something the old friend's done.

I reflected on this, and I haven’t. I have cut people off social media but told them I was going to do it and why. I have been ghosted myself twice - both times I still have no idea why. Just wish people would be honest and have the guts to say if a friendship has run its course!

I unintentionally ghosted a friend. I had a lot going on. My dad was seriously ill and I was travelling (journey of three hours) to see him every other day and fitting it in around working fulltime and looking after the kids. It was a very stressful period and I was exhausted. She kept trying to make arrangements to meet up and I was very straight and told her I had a lot going on but I'd love to have her and the family round for lunch when things calmed down. She kept texting - not how are you, but are we going to meet and I didn't reply. I think she took it as a brush off. I just didn't have the mental energy for anything at the time. I texted her many months later but she didn't reply and almost ran to the other side of the supermarket when we ran into each other one day. Actually now I write this down, maybe she ghosted me. We no longer see each other. She had no empathy for my situation when I was having a tough time.

@dogseggs

Catkin that is awful. What a horrible, insensitive person she sounds. I hope you have some better friends now.

Thanks dogseggs.

I don’t think she ever meant to be unpleasant really, she was just gloriously oblivious!

I have some amazing friends now who are incredibly supportive of my DS and adore him (as they should - he’s bloody brilliant!).

Because I realised than in actual fact I hated him.

We had been best friends at school.

He came for lunch when we were at different universities.

After about half an hour, I realised I couldn't bear him.

We finished off, said goodbyes.

That was that.

Yes, I have. Ghosting wasn't even an expression back then.

We were brought together by work and college in our mid 20s. She was very focused on her appearance, there was an 'edge' to her and she had a 'mean girls' streak, none of which I was entirely comfortable with. She was single and it became apparent that she was having one night stands and affairs with men who weren't single. The men could and should have said no of course, but she very actively pursued them and offered them 'no strings' sex. We knew some of the men through work, college or social situations and, though they were acquaintances rather than close friends, if we didn't know their girlfriends, partners and wives then at least we knew of their existence. She was in no doubt that I didn't approve but she was adamant she was doing no wrong as she was 'not interested in a relationship with them and so no risk to their existing relationships.' I had started to distance myself as much as is possible when you work and study with someone. The final straw came when my partner at the time and I gave her a lift home. This was the first time she had met him. She openly flirted with him, which was her way, and when she got out of the car she gave him her phone number on the pretense of just being friendly. She wasn't just being friendly.

I wonder if she ever settled down or whether she has carried on through life like that.

They made a pass at my long-term partner and didn’t realise I knew.

I have. Several people I know knew her too and often asked why I was friends with her as she was so manipulative but I just couldn't see that at all.
For the few years we were friends she would tell me my then boyfriend was a useless, fat, ugly arsehole etc etc and I always left feeling like shit. Anyway one day I tell her something embarassingly private and she tells lots of people. I was fumed and suddenly I saw all the times she had been mean, nasty and downright manipulative. I couldn't be her friend anymore but I knew if I tried to talk to her she would wrap me around her little finger again by lying and I would get swept along with it all so at the time I felt like ghosting her was my only option. She didn't contact me after this so she must have known I'd had enough.
I felt guilty about it for a long time but she's now got a baby with my "useless, fat, ugly arsehole" of an ex so I know I did the right thing.

I'm in a large friendship group of guys, and also a few girlfriends have joined us over the years. I am also in another friendship group, and the two groups mixed at a party. One of the guys from the first group met a girl from another, and decided to start dating her. They ended up engaged with a house.

The girl knew that the guy had a crush on me when we were teenagers (a long, long time ago) because I used to tell her about it, though it took her a bit of time to put two and two together and realise it was that guy.

When she realised, she blocked and deleted me from everything, and stopped coming out to group events if she knew I was there.

She threw a house warming party which I was excluded from (and it basically included both groups of my friends, and I was the only one left out of it) and she was very active in planning things like BBQs and drinks at theirs over the summer as well. In the end I was left out of everything.

I text the guy asking whether there was anything I could do to sort this, because it really hurt - and because we're such busy people, their house (which was nice with lots of room) was kind of being used as our exclusive meetup point, meaning I could never meet with the full group as I was never invited. He text me back and said she felt uncomfortable because we had feelings for each other (used in the present tense - bear in mind I have NEVER had any feelings beyond friendship for this guy, which she knows, and he knows full well and was gutted about for a full decade) so she wouldn't have me in her house where he would just sit and stare at me, pining. This wouldn't happen. A lot of time has passed since we were teenagers.

So I sent him a text saying I hope he'll be happy, and then blocked him from everything.

Apparently he was quite upset, but he can get fucked if he thinks I'm sitting there watching photos pop up of events where they're all having a great time and I'm sitting at home.

Ghosting is equal to an emotional abuse. The other person may have no clue why you are doing it. You may have good reasons to not to talk to that person any ore but you may be also wrong to do it. Some people ghost because they heard something without checking if it was true or not.

"Perhaps because we moved a lot (12 schools) so I’m trying to build a superficial connection into something more than it is"

This is interesting. The people I've known who moved a lot as a child tend to get to know people very easily, but don't have too many close friends, probably sub-consciously protecting themselves. You don't seem to fall into that pattern because you wanted those close friends.

[quote Mashingthecompost]@dogseggs I do wonder whether the trend for positivity and cutting negative people out (I don't mean in a genuine, life affirming, abuser-escaping way here, I hope this comes across) has been picked up and used by selfish people as a way to justify hideous behaviour. I'm aware this could get me flamed - what I mean is, talking about toxicity is common now and I think anyone has the ability to twist a narrative to suit their own ends. I don't believe all people cutting out others in their lives are doing so selfishly. I think this thread shows that even the word 'ghosting' has different meanings for different people.[/quote]
Toxic suggests that the person is nasty to others though doesn't it? More than just being negative.
I've definitely been rejected by others for being a glass half-empty person. I suppose I understand them. I wouldn't want to be around someone who brings me down either!

I’ve done it quite a few times. Sometimes just total avoidance but mostly scaling contact right back until it ends completely. My friends are bloody wonderful women. I love each one of them and would be there in a heartbeat to help them bury a body, as they would for me. I’m too old and too busy to be putting up with anyone’s crap, or trying to force something with someone who just isn’t my cup of tea.

One I realised that I was doing all the running. I wondered how long it would take for her to contact me if I didn’t phone her. It’s been 23 years so far.

Another was voicing absolutely vile opinions and making shocking accusations about everyone around her. So, of course, if she was saying things about them, she’d be saying things about me and I thought she was dangerous (proved right, as it turns out).

Another just wanted too much from me. I considered her to be a friendly acquaintance and didn’t mind having a coffee with her every now & then, where she seemed to think that we should be close friends, socialising weekly and in and out of each other’s houses. She was a nice woman (although very different from my friends, who all have similar personalities) but it was like being love bombed with friendship. She was giving me little gifts every time she saw me (not expensive things that would be easy to refuse, but like a mini pot of posh jam if she’d been to a food fair, or a fridge magnet that I couldn’t refuse without insulting her taste) It was too much, too fast and it felt awkward and forced.

I’m currently in the process of distancing myself from another friend. I won’t cut him off overnight because he does struggle with life, but I’m being used as a free therapist and it is utterly draining. I’d be totally supportive and happy to be there for him if it was ever a two way street, but I’ve let him get so used to off loading onto me that he doesn’t even bother with a cursory ‘how are you?’ before he launches into four hours of what’s happening with him and how he feels about it. No point in telling him because he is so self absorbed he hasn’t even noticed that my only contribution during these lengthy phone calls are hmm, yeah, uhuh.