If you’ve ghosted a friend why did you do it?

[friedshrimp]

Just that really. Recently ghosted by a friend with no explanation - there were no issues, everything was fine and we chatted almost everyday. Why does it happen?

I had a friend (A) who I ended up ghosting who had also been ghosted by someone else (B) and was really hung up on it as she never understood why. She was really horrible was why - I later found out through a mutual friend (C) that he had told B that A had slagged her off and she had decided enough was enough. C also told me that A had slagged me off and eventually A slagged off another person to me who i cared about and enough was enough. So this person is ghosted for being bitchy basically. And C is a shit stirrer.

@Usernamechange101

Its such a sad story and sadly, one i can relate to 100%
I have infertility issues and have the same feelings. Baby showers were something I couldn't stand, no matter how hard I tried. I even would make baby hampers for those expecting, and did so for years, but all I did was put on a show and try and convince myself I wasn't in pain over it all.

In the end I stopped the hampers, and told people I wouldn't be going to the baby showers etc. Took some pressure off.

I tried not to distance myself from friends having babies, but the resentment I felt was horrible, and I knew unreasonable, I would get over them having the first baby, just for them to start talking about the second, or third, or friends having babies around the same time.

I just couldn't cope with it all. Recently a friend had a MC, only told me because I mentioned something in passing. I know she was gearing up to try again soon, I am dreading the text to tell me she's pregnant, and its so daft. I known about my infertility since my early 20s, and still it effects me.

I can really understand how you feel.

Please don't feel silly for reaching out to your friends now, if thats what in your heart you truly would like to do. Infertility is so cruel. Prehaps reach out to one friend and she how it is reciprocated. Dont put too much pressure on yourself... you haven't blown things because you've backed away more than once, just be open and honest and don't expect too much from anyone.

Nothing is to say you have to go back in 110% with what's app groups/SM/Phone calls.

A few messages prehaps? A quiet meeting up and a genuine chat when able.

Please dont let infertility win everytime. You deserve happiness and your friends.

I ghosted one friend. She’d been a really good friend for years, but really changed. We used to meet once a week for a drink or meal, but when I didn’t have a lot of money she refused to go to the more affordable places, and when I’d order the cheapest thing on the menu she’d have an expensive meal and dessert and then say we’d split the bill. I didn’t feel used, she was just totally unaware (despite me talking about it). In general her views became totally opposite to mine, very much that poor people deserved their lot in life and she was very callous about another friend that had depression. I started seeing her less and less, but one week I’d just quit my job that was making me ill with stress, I was on antidepressants and was worried about what I was going to do next. We met up and she was driving, she drove us to an expensive restaurant instead of the pub we’d agreed to go to, and spoke about herself the entire time. The next time she messaged me I realised I didn’t want to do that again, so I stopped replying.

I miss the old her and still think about her a lot.

I was 21 and really really scared of confrontation. She had upset me so many times but she wouldn't have had any idea because I never dared say anything. I tried to distance myself but she just kept trying harder so in the end I just completely ignored her and cut her off.
Looking back I would never do that to someone now, I would tell them I didn't want to continue the friendship and exactly why. Although I don't feel that bad about it because she wasn't nice to me at all.

We drifted, but they thought they still had a monopoly on best friend status and demanded to be front and centre of my wedding (it was a tiny affair and we had barely spoken for years as I grew up and realised they were behaving in ways that would be deemed abusive and controlling if it was a romantic relationship). The threads binding us were barely there any more, I just finished them off.

Another person ghosted me and once I realised, I was so relieved to have them out of my life. That was a bizarre and unexpected release.

I ghosted who I thought was my best friend from uni. It's been two years now and I did it because I felt the friendship was very one sided. I made all the effort with little back and would message or ring her with no reply. We would go long periods of not talking and didn't know what was going on in each other's lives. It got to the point where I thought it's pointless being friends.

We would meet up and get on well but then the same thing would happen. I would have to initiate all contact, she rarely made an effort to arrange anything and I just felt she wasn't bothered by anything going on in my life. No present/card when ds was born, only came to see me when I asked her to when dd was born. I told her I was pregnant and just got a thought you were, told her dd was a girl and got a that's nice back. She was very busy with work and family situations I got that but still had time to make an effort with other people. I got increasingly upset by this.

When she did contact me it was usually to invite me to an event she was having, no how are you? I drive 1 and a half hours round trip to her ds birthday party and she hardly spoke to me, no thanks for coming or follow up afterwards.

The final straw was at a big event for her dd. She chose another friend to have a significant role (I wasn't expecting to have this role) but was shocked as I had been in contact much more than this friend and been more supportive. I realised everyone she had been friends with at uni had had a vital role in important events in her life except me. It finally hit me that she didn't see me as I saw her never would. She did contact me afterwards checking everything was ok- she'd noticed I was quiet. Saying she didn't want to loose contact had she done anything. Saying why she was so busy and hadn't been in touch. I got all that but I was finished by then. I do miss her but life hasn't really changed without her in it and that's makes me think I did the right thing.

I ghosted a newish friend. Every conversation was all about her. Showed little interest in my life, thoughts, or activities: every conversation was about her. Buh-bye.

Many friendships are quite transient, in nature IMHO.

You meet due to circumstance, at work, mutual hobbies, school gates.

Those friendships often don’t last as life changes.

I have lost people along the way that I would have thought, would be life long friends. I was diagnosed with a disability a few years back, friends that I thought would be there, weren’t. A very close friend of mine tragically lost her child, and whilst I did everything to try & support her, you just can’t fix it. She is the first to admit she is a different person now. I love her dearly and would always be there for her. But she does not want to see me, just too many memories. I respect that and some of the problem may be me, as I feel awkward to mention my children, as I feel like it would be insensitive and I don’t want to upset her.

I am a very giving person & I am have often been used by some friends. I look out for the signs now, I am much more selective of who I choose to spend time with. As I am usually a better friend to someone, than they are to me.

Its interesting the reasons given to ghost someone. Im sure they all feel valid at the time but to do that to a person is incredibly cruel even if you felt they deserved it. Why not just be clear
and tell them the reason your ending the friendship then go your own way rather than just disappearing into the ether leaving them wondering? I ended a 25yr friendship but told her why. Why wouldn't you?

@EvilPea

Because my mental health is shot and I can’t cope with human interaction unless I’m forced to. I feel incredibly sad about it, they were good friends and good people.

That is very sad . Perhaps , if they are really good people , they will understand.

Call her and ask her what is wrong op.

The posts on here are interesting but won't help you to find out why your friend is not speaking to you.

Could she be ill?
Have you tried to contact her?

I have a bright, humorous, close uni friend who I think the world of, but she is stuck in a rut of self-pity and depression (following a break up and exacerbated by a neglectful childhood) and will insist on not only doing nothing to help herself, but also dragging others around her too. Over lockdown she would call several times a day for hours to have long, rambling circular discussions of her sex life, would never consider therapy, exercise, healthy eating or anything to self-help, but would also lash out at me horribly, criticise my personality and choices. I stuck around as long as I could but it was impacting my own mental health to the point that people around me noticed. She’s sent me a couple of abusive messages since - which I know is just her lashing out. It’s the second time I’ve done this - I ghosted her for 3 yrs out of uni for similar reasons.

friedshrimp OP sometimes the ghosting is more about that person rather than the person they are cutting lose so try not to take it personally.

I'll never know but I suspect he was trying to exit the friendship for a while before, maybe like a year or so and I just didn't get the hint, because I thought we were close friends. In actual fact he was slowly drifting away and becoming someone a bit different who didn't like me as much and the shine just wore off the friendship. We also didn't communicate well about enotions throughout, and I suspect he's one of those people who just thinks 'fuck it' and jacks it in rather than going through the excruciatingly awkward British conversation about things.
His long term, long distance GF also met me finally shortly before he ghosted me. So, possibly she vetoed the friendship as well as she didn't like me. Which hurt as we'd been friends before he met her, but it happens I guess.

I still miss him but I accept everyone has the right to end friendships even if they do it in a not very emotionally intelligent way. It's made me warier about trusting new friends and I'll probably never relax that much around a friend again or let my guard down, which sucks.

I have also semi ghosted one of my exes who I stayed friends with, as they began to really annoy me, but we still text once in a while. That's what I wish my ex friend had done but I guess I just wasn't getting the idea.
I've also semi ghosted my mum because she is very toxic and bullying, but I still send her money if she needs it and stuff on Christmas and Birthdays. Because I had to go NC with my mum I always felt my ex-friend was subtly judging me for that, and I sometimes wonder if he decided to end our friendship in the way he did because he wanted to give me a taste of my own medicine.

I think I'm being ghosted at present by a friend. Nothing happened but he's stopped responding to my emails. We've been platonic friends for decades. We're both married for 10 years to other people.

Not sure whats going on. I assume its that I just don't fit in anymore. He's from a posher background than me it never used to matter but recently I think it does. Noticed a while back I wasn't invited to parties etc at his house just always on my own or with husband.

I don't know exactly, its sad but theres no point in clinging on to someone who has no interest in me. I'll send a card and email at Christmas but that will be the end of it.

Oh and one more, someone who I realised was doing things for me to make herself feel inportant. Offering advice that was coded with messages of "I know better than you". Little comments, tiny cuts. Once I was trying on some clothes and they had brought over (we often gave stuff to each other) and when I whipped my top off, she said "Oh. You do have a nice body." She was so disappointed, but tried to hide it, and I was like wtf? Another was when her son innocently told me in front of her that she and her husband had been joking about how funny it would be if the baby I was pregnant with would be ugly. I'd struggled with hyperemesis, which she'd been there to help me with, getting close, being the good guy... There were many others that were just so tiny but barbed, they would almost seem inconsequential to an outsider. She was like a kind granny figure secretly poisoning me with tiny amounts every time I saw her. I avoided her because I expected judgement every time I saw her. My family thought she was an angel. Very insidious. It wasn't just me that noticed something off, eventually. I didn't ghost, but I stopped initiating communication. Her son is lovely, that's the part that makes me sad.

It turned into one of those friendships where she only contacted me to criticise me or because I was useful to her.

@Rollmopsrule

Its interesting the reasons given to ghost someone. Im sure they all feel valid at the time but to do that to a person is incredibly cruel even if you felt they deserved it. Why not just be clear and tell them the reason your ending the friendship then go your own way rather than just disappearing into the ether leaving them wondering? I ended a 25yr friendship but told her why. Why wouldn't you?

As I said in my post I tried but just got verbal abuse back so I just left it there . If you think this is easy to do , it isn't . Great that your friend was receptive. It's nothing to do with DESERVING IT - it's about protection of your own mental health .

No. I have been ghosted though by someone I'd stuck by when she had lost everyone else. She fell out with everyone, her family, her friends, her housemates, her colleagues...
She disappeared off the radar abruptly. I sent occasional messages, e.g at Christmas, just wishing her well. She reappeared out of the blue, and made contact by email, some years later. And at first I was pleased, but I realised that I was very hurt by what she had done, and then we lost touch again. I didn't try anymore.

Actually, I have done it before. I had two lovely flatmates that I lived with at the beginning of my working life. We all had great jobs in the city but were fairly fresh out of uni. They both liked acting very ‘posh’ and used to almost compete on how much ‘naiiiice’ stuff the could spend on - Waitrose, luxury travel, high end makeup, expensive trendy restaurants. They’d even indirectly criticise me for shopping at Iceland (for myself), not constantly going out every evening and weekend, and for living a generally boring life and having a LT bf. When I moved out to do a Masters degree, we kept in touch, but I started dreading seeing them - being interrogated about why I hadn’t been to trendy brunch spots or far flung destinations. Eventually I just transitioned out of the relationship without mentioning it.

I ghosted a friend a few years ago.

My DS was born extremely prematurely and when he was fighting for his life and was very unlikely to survive (she knew how ill he was) she texted me to say she’d just had a positive pregnancy test (she was literally 3 weeks pregnant) and how lovely it would be that our children would be in the same year at school.

My DS, unsurprisingly, has complex disabilities due to his extreme prematurity. It took him a long, long time to learn to walk and talk and she sent me regular video clips of her DS’s first steps, first words etc even though her DS was 9 months younger and she knew how worried we were.

Her mother told me on one occasion that I needed to get my DS “urgent help before he realises how delayed he is”. She agreed with her.

The final straw was when she was pregnant again and told me breezily that there had been a small concern with he pr 20 week scan and she might abort the pregnancy because she didn’t really fancy having a child with special needs.

Reader, I ghosted her.

It took me a while, and it was upsetting at the time - still is - but I realised I was no longer useful to this one friend. I thought we were closer than we were. When our children were small she had a horrible break up and was a single parent for a while. I spent many hours listening to her problems, frequently babysat her child at weekends, gave lots of practical help over the years. She begged me to accompany her to pubs and clubs so she could meet men, then would leave me on my own when she met one.

Later when our children were older and she'd settled down with a lovely man I started to notice she wasn't getting in touch and didn't seem so bothered about meeting up.

The last straw came after a horrible few months where both my parents were seriously ill, my DH was ill and having all sorts of hospital tests and then my FIL died. I was having a horrible time at work too. I was suffering depression as a result and confided in her about it. She told me she didn't like spending time around negative people and brushed me off. I still miss her - she was great fun and very good company - but I don't think I can forgive or forget that. I've not bothered staying in touch.

*her 20 week scan

Because everything was all about her, she made no effort to visit me, ask me about my life, it was all broadcast and no listening. I wanted to see what happened if I stopped running after her, and unsurprisingly the friendship died.

Seems to be a common theme

I ghosted a friend who was enormously demanding. She wanted to have earnest discussions about our relationship if I didn’t answer her constant text messages quickly or expansively enough. I felt smothered, and she didn’t appreciate that her expectations were unreasonable, and any conversation we had about it led to her telling me how let down and hurt she was that I wasn’t there for her all the time, whenever she needed it. There was no way to stay friends without her constantly demanding more from me than I was willing or able to give, and it was boring and depressing having to talk about it all the time. In the end the only thing I could do was cut and run.