If you’ve ghosted a friend why did you do it?

[friedshrimp]

Just that really. Recently ghosted by a friend with no explanation - there were no issues, everything was fine and we chatted almost everyday. Why does it happen?

I was close friends with a girl when we were both very mentally unwell. We leaned on each other for support and were in contact a lot. Our lives went in different directions and I found she was making a lot of passive aggressive comments about me not being in touch enough (it was still very regular contact for a while) or not making time for her (I had moved to another city, was working full time and with family issues that required time). The constant passive aggressive comments and demands for attention became very wearing and so I tried to reduce contact. I haven’t fully ghosted her but I don’t initiate any contact and try to keep all messages brief. I still feel bad but I feel the friendship would have fizzled out naturally anyway, though maybe could have been maintained at a lower level if she hadn’t been so demanding and critical 🤷‍♀️

If it's something very recent, I think maintaining friendships is currently really hard, you quite literally have to pick your favourites and having done that, contacting the ones you didn't pick becomes quite uncomfortable. Doesn't make it right but maybe understandable?

One who I supported for years emotionally and practically then was really consistently rude and belittling to me on a holiday to her home country (well, long story but one nearby). It was as though she took pleasure in trying to cut me down to size on her turf.

Upon our return, she was straight in touch in a very friendly tone wanting me to do some work for her. I was going through a hard time and just said 'no, sorry' to the work and made excuses to drinks invitations then eventually stopped replying.

I had noticed one thing too. Although it is nothing I could prove and I would sound a bit mad if I accused her of this, over the years, any time something went wrong for me, her face would really light up and she would take a vigorous interest. Any good news would be dampened slightly. Although I'm not doing too badly and I try and stay optimistic, I'm not someone who has sailed through life with constant good luck and privilege (not that it would be a nice reaction I was but I could maybe understand).

I think some people flit between friendships and take what they can get until the friend is no longer useful.

I’m picky with who I chose to be real friends with. I’ve had the same friends for 30 plus years and added a few extras on the way.

When I see people at work who become very friendly very fast (friend bomb each other) and do then one of them leaves a year later then they stop being friends - until the next person stars and they be one they’d new best friend.

I find those relationships odd but it’s quite common surprisingly. Fair weather friend I believe is the term!

The one I ghosted just started being a drain, she just wanted to use me to whinge and whinge. Usually about problems that she has brought about herself. If I had a problem she started taking days to reply to me (she had been furloughed and complained she had nothing to do all day- but couldnt find a couple of minutes to text me back?)

It was during april that I thought, actually fuck this and just deleted her number. Probably a bit hasty really and I do miss her, but her constant moaning just added to my pile of stress and I needed her out of my life.

Twice - first I found out she had been bitching about me behind my back about my engagement (she was massively jealous). We weren’t close anyway, she was someone that assumed I’d always be around and she could say whatever she wanted about me, so I ended it.

Second - woman who I worked with, was super fake nice but really very jealous and competitive. I put up with her nasty comments because we worked together but once she left the workplace we never contacted each other. Then she stopped wishing me happy birthday etc (when I would still send her a message) and I thought I should just bite the bullet and end it. To be honest in both instances we were more acquaintances than friends, and we had already drifted apart.

I ghosted someone without a word. We had a to do earlier in that year where she was bang out of order. I told her if she ever did X again, that would be it. She did X and I blocked her on all forms of social media without a word. I told our mutual friendship group about what happened (couldn't not really), apparently she 'does not know what I am talking about'. She does, she won't admit she was wrong.

One dropped me when I was no longer useful to her. We spent a lot of time together with our kids when I got divorced and her husband died. But when she re-married a super rich man and moved away I was dropped (though our kids still meet up). To be fair we are very different people and don't have a lot in common.

I'm afraid I did drop another friend. She was super needy and chaotic calling me and texting me all the time. My Mum died and I just couldn't cope with it.

Another friend I'm slowly growing apart from. We have been friends for 30 years but since she got a new partner and re-married (and she's also a workaholic) she doesn't have a lot of time for me. We speak or text now and again but I'd never call her in a crisis - as we both used to do - she wouldn't get back to me for a week or more. Its always me who suggests meeting up. I can see that it will seem to her like I'm becoming a bit tricky with her but actually its hurt. but these things happen and during lockdown local friends have become much more significant in my life.

Because I realised how crap she made me feel whenever we got together. Because she had eroded my confidence for YEARS & in the end I didn't even have the confidence left to tell her that, so I just became 'busy' whenever she contacted me. I also didn't return texts etc because I just couldn't handle it.

I know she thinks bad of me & I still have an awful urge to contact her & apologise just to be back in her good books.

I'm a fully functioning adult but I felt bullied by her & found that I behaved in a way I wouldn't usually, when around her.

Breaking contact with her was for self preservation & I'm so glad I did.

My oldest friend basically stood me up because she got a better offer. Problem was it was Christmas and she was staying for a week. She didn’t contact me, she just didn’t turn up and was uncontactable (she’d come in from abroad).
She rang me the day she was meant to leave as she wanted to pop by for 5 minutes (I expect for presents). I said I was going out and I’ve never spoken to her again.
There’s no point explaining to her as she would see she had done nothing wrong. But we had arranged Christmas and New Year at home be available to her, and she doesn’t even bother turning up.
She has sent some vague messages including one where she wanted me to basically pay for a holiday for her.
I’m suspicious some of the behaviour is caused by her new husband she met abroad, however she always was trying to dump you for more interesting people/nights out.

Because my mental health is shot and I can’t cope with human interaction unless I’m forced to.
I feel incredibly sad about it, they were good friends and good people.

I've tried to namechange for this because I'm embarrassed. In my case, because I was a coward. I actually did it twice.

My friends from school were all having babies and building lovely families while I kept having miscarriages. I pulled away. I slowly got back in touch and they were kind enough to reinclude me.

Then some time later they all seemed to get pregnant with their second around the same time. Instead of being mature and saying something like "I need a break", one day I just turned off WhatsApp, and then before I knew it, it had been a month, then a year. One of them tried writing to me and everything. I'm sure from their point of view I just ghosted them for no reason.

I still feel so fucking guilty about it and don't know how to fix it - I also don't want to try because I know now that I'm unreliable, and I don't think you get third chances once you've shown who you are.

So, in short, it wasn't them - they were amazing, I miss them, and I've been thinking of them a lot, especially over lockdown.

Some of us are really stupid OP and maybe your friend is going through something daft herself (although I'm sure that doesn't help you right now).

She had a lot of severe MH issues. We'd been best friends for 15+ years and I supported her through EVERY in-patient stay and 4am suicide-threatening phone call.

But in the end nothing I ever did was good enough for her. I wasn't supportive enough, I was selfish and apparently I had no idea how much she did for me (spoiler alert: looking back I can't think of one thing she's ever done for me).

Her constant accusations and lack of empathy were having a massive impact on my own MH when I was going through a tough time and she was totally uncaring about it when I tried to confide in her. She twisted my issues to be about her and I didn't have the energy to take on her burdens as well as my own anymore.

So I ghosted her. I felt so guilty for months and months. But it was impossible to talk to her and she would have twisted it to make it all about her. But it wasn't. For one fucking time it was about me and I needed to put myself first.

It's been a couple of years now and I don't regret it. I also dropped a couple of 'friends' who massively enabled her and tried to guilt-trip me into going back. Predominately because they didn't want to deal with her attention-seeking and general woe-is-me attitude.

I later found out that she had told a man that I was dating at the time to ghost me (a few months before I ghosted her) because I had too much on my plate to deal with and I wasn't in the right headspace for a relationship. Actually it was because he was "her" friend and she didn't appreciate him and I doing things without her. I also apparently committed the cardinal sin of not asking her permission to date him (WTF we were all in our late 20s and I'd been friends with him for 10+ years). I also found out that she'd spread some pretty horrific lies about me over the years, for no reason.

I am sad about it sometimes. But then I realised that she isn't the same person that I was friends with anymore and I've changed a lot too. I've had to accept that the person that I was friends with doesn't exist anymore and I don't think she'll come back. I still keep track of her, because I do care. But I have to put myself first.

All in all, I'M VERY WELL RID OF HER. I'M HAPPY. (Gosh, that was very cathartic to write out.)

Also I don’t think ghosting is cruel. From what people have posted, these people weren’t being friends anyway.

Sometimes you do outgrow people and they just don’t make you happy anymore.

An old friend (Christmas card stage after being very close at uni) wanted to do multiple calls a week during lockdown. We were both still working full time. Her phonecalls were all about her, her boyfriend at uni, how she wishes she’d married him (he dumped her) instead of her much older husband. I had zero desire to re-visit that time of my life, it wasn’t great for me. She kept calling even tho I asked her to calm it down, I was in A&E twice during lockdown, so I blocked her.

user that's so sad I hope good things come your way.

I’ve never ghosted a friend. I think it’s cruel and there’s no excuse for lack or no communication.

I was part of a friendship group and one friend ghosted the other friend.... it was awkward as my other friend mentioned several times that “X” is not replying back and she would ask me if I had heard from her. Both of them attended my child’s party last year too. In the end I told my friend not to contact “X” again!

Because she was possessive, tried to distance me from my other friends, tried (and succeeded once) to prevent me from being in a relationship, pursued my boyfriend (now DH) at the time (and told me she was doing it, to the extent she took a job an hour's drive away to come into contact with him) and systematically worked to undermine me and chip away at my confidence, all under the guise of being "a caring friend." It's the best thing I could have done for us both, I think. She didn't seem to be happy unless I was unhappy. After I met now DH and her efforts to break us up failed she became really flaky and it was always me putting in the effort. She let me down on my birthday once and I just decided that was it and stopped trying. It was only with distance that I realised what an unhealthy friendship it had become. It's a shame because she had been a good friend to me before that, but to me real friends are those who are pleased for you when your life is going well, whereas with her it seemed to be the opposite.

I'm on the verge of ghosting. A friend who I probably wouldn't have pursued a friendship with in the first place however she was quite pushy and insistent that we meet for a coffee/dinner/cinema (I saw her every day at work so it was just constant asking). We did become friends however I've seen a horrible side to her that I don't like. She texts constantly, gets mad when I don't reply asap and wants to have an hour long game of text tennis each time. Very huffy when she constantly asks to meet up and you say no. She's just too much.

@ShirleyPhallus

There have been a number of threads recently where people say they feel like they’re doing all the leg work and have just tried not contacting their “friend” to see if the friend gets in touch first. Perhaps that’s what has happened here and you didn’t realise how much contact she put in?

This is pretty much what happened in my case. It got to the point I had 2 years worth of Christmas and birthday presents sat waiting for the next time I saw her, so I just gave up. She did eventually contact me about meeting up but I ignored it and we haven't spoken since.

I have it was simply due to the friendship being one sided, she had zero interest in me or whether I was ok. It was all about her and her needs. She would also dump me for a while when she moved onto someone else. It was easy for me as I moved for work and just didnt share my number. She was a drain on me and I felt so much better not having her in my life.

Somebody might have ghosted me but I'm not sure! Occasionally we arrange to meet but it always falls through. But I am not putting any pressure on her so not sure it counts as a ghosting if I"m not even certain I was ghosted.

I was ghosted by a close friend about 10 years ago. Irritatingly it still hurts. I found not knowing why really difficult. A few years ago she actually messaged me to say that she missed the friendship. It was too late for me, I couldn't have a friendship without honest dialogue. It really hurt me at the time. I find threads like these reassuring, makes me see that it's pretty common.

I ghosted a friend who I'd been very close for a few years. She'd always been very intense (ringing me at least once a day and wanting to talk for hours), self-absorbed and competitive, but after university, it entered a new level. All she wanted to talk about was which boys fancied her and how every girl was jealous of her (they weren't). She now had no interest in my life, and though I'd supported her through something a couple of years earlier, she couldn't be bothered doing the same for me later. She was also quite dishonest so it was hard to tell her I was finding her hard work. I put up with that for a year or two, thinking all friendships go through bad times, but eventually lost patience and stopped taking her calls.