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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wake DH up on days off?

104 replies

Pumpertrumper · 21/11/2020 07:28

So just a mild AIBU, not angry or anything but interested in opinions.

I have an 8 month old and have got into the habit of early nights and early mornings with him. Works well.

DH works FT but has this week off. Whenever he has time off, whether annual leave or just a regular day off, he chooses to stay up late on an evening (enjoying time on his own) and then sleep in on a morning.

My issue is that he then gets stuck in this body clock, meaning he gets all morning to himself asleep every day because he ‘can’t get to sleep on a night’ then after he returns to work he complains how he ‘can’t sleep’ and is ‘so exhausted’..etc for days.

I think he should be sensible and stay somewhat in his regular work routine, come to bed early with us and get up early with us. I mean I do this every day. I don’t ‘sleep in’ ever really and don’t feel I need it because I go to bed at a reasonable time.

I’ve not said anything as I don’t really mind but I do end up feeling quite eye rolly when he’s looking for ‘I couldn’t get to sleep last night’ sympathy.

AIBU?

OP posts:
rosegoldivy · 21/11/2020 07:34

YANBU. Me and DH take turns to get up with DD. my DH will stay up to stupid o clock when he knows DD gets up between 6 and 7. I will still deliver a swift kick to the shins for him to get up with her when it's his turn even if he's only been asleep 3 or 4 hours.

Does your DH not get up with the 8 month old when he's off?

Di11y · 21/11/2020 07:54

Depends how early you're expecting him to bed and how late he expects to sleep. Asleep by 11 and up by 9 latest (earlier some days to give you a break) would be fine in my book.

Beentherefonethat · 21/11/2020 07:58

I think YABU, as long as he’s doing his share when he’s up and all that jazz.

If you want a lie in then you need to talk to him about it.

Original poster
Pumpertrumper · 21/11/2020 07:59

@rosegoldivy

Not often no but I tend to go to bed with him at 8 and get up with him quite happily at 5/6am. If I ask him to he will but I don’t want to stay in bed so it works out fine!

If I ask for a couple of hours back during day, like to have a bath or watch a show DH will oblige so I’m not super hard done by. But equally DH will ask to watch the football or play his computer games and I end up saying no and having to remind him he already had 4/5 hours of ‘personal time’ on an evening AND a lay in! He generally understands.

It just frustrates me listening to him complain about how he ‘can’t get to sleep’ on a night when it’s pretty obvious why! I find it frustrating.

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 21/11/2020 08:04

I'd have woken him if he has work to go to on Monday. Changing sleep patterns is very disruptive and takes a while to reset. If he needs to be alert and ready for work then he needs to get his sleep back in order.

Original poster
Pumpertrumper · 21/11/2020 08:04

I think I’m ever so slightly resentful that he doesn’t do any jobs on an evening either. I get that he’s ‘enjoying his downtime’ but I get up on a morning and do a load of washing/washing machine...etc.

He rarely even tidies his food or plates away. I can always tell what he’s been up to on a night by the trail of mess I find on a morning. He does clean it up once he’s awake though... so I assume he just wants me to enjoy looking at it all morning.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pumpertrumper · 21/11/2020 08:05

*washing/dishwasher

OP posts:
EllyNC · 21/11/2020 08:08

YANBU if you want a lie in, he should defo give you a chance for a lie in too regardless of when he chooses to go to bed. But YABU (A bit) to want him to go to bed earlier just because it annoys you when he then struggles to sleep once he’s back at work. Many people go to bed earlier when they are working and choose to stay up late when they aren’t? I get your frustration but I can also see why he would want to enjoy his time off.

EllyNC · 21/11/2020 08:09

Ok having read your last post that’s not on. YANBU to expect him to help you more round the house, particularly if he’s sleeping in all morning whilst you are parenting!

Beentherefonethat · 21/11/2020 08:11

Leaving mess is not on op.

I’ve changed my mind, wake him up Grin

This little things need to nipped in the bud otherwise they just fester.

Could you do up a rota? Or say do you want to cook dinner or do bath time etc.

I had three children under two and one day my ex husband came home from work and said what have you been doing all day. I went to my mums and left him to find out. He never asked me again!

HeyDuggeesCakeBadge · 21/11/2020 08:11

OP, so you never get an evening to yourself? I do think YABU, he is an adult who can choose what time to go to bed and get up, as long as he isn't sleeping until the afternoon. Unless you want a lie in, then let him have the time and you get it back during the day!

BonnieDundee · 21/11/2020 08:13

Read your update. I wouldnt expect an adult to go to.bed at.8pm but he does need to do his share and you need as much down time as he does.

timeisnotaline · 21/11/2020 08:16

I would say he leaves his mess all tidied up or you wake him at 6. Not fair to make you look at it.

RishiMcRichface · 21/11/2020 08:18

Not often no but I tend to go to bed with him at 8 and get up with him quite happily at 5/6am.

It's difficult because I understand your point but your schedule is a bit unusual and most people don't go to bed at the same time as the baby. Your dh is really doing things more normally by staying up later and leaving chores till the morning. I'd say ideally you should meet in the middle by getting into a schedule that means you put baby to bed and both stay up till a reasonable time (say 11), then maybe take it in turns to have a short lie in (till say 7 or 8) if the baby wakes early and work together on doing chores during the day.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 21/11/2020 08:19

Dh and I take a lie in each on weekend mornings, and then when he and I are both on annual leave together we alternate lie ins. Would something like that work for you both?

Fleetwoodmacs · 21/11/2020 08:21

Yeah mine is exactly the same. He is like a big grumpy teenager, and doesn't understand why I have no sympathy when he is soooo tired.

howtobe · 21/11/2020 08:22

I wouldn’t ask another adult to go to bed at 8pm Confused

But he should be pulling his weight with chores etc

Cuppaand2biscuits · 21/11/2020 08:25

Are you married to my husband OP?
He's exactly the same, either speak up now or be prepared to live with it because mine is nearly 50 now, and if anything has got even worse for lying in bed as he's got older.

Original poster
Pumpertrumper · 21/11/2020 08:25

Thanks for the opinions, think it’s probably a mixed bag (as I suspected). It’s not normal to go to sleep at 8/9pm for a grown adult but I’ve just fallen into a nice routine with DS and it works. I’ve always been an early riser rather than a night owl.

DH does clean up his nighttime antics but once he wakes up in the morning. I don’t want to look at it all morning so will ask him today to start tidying up after himself on a night (else I’ll wake him up to do it).

Think given it’s annoying me so much I might have a ‘look I don’t mind you stay up on a night and sleeping In on a morning BUT that’s clearly why you then can’t get to sleep until late again the next night so please stop complaining about it like it’s some giant unsolvable mystery!’ conversation.

OP posts:
InTheLongGrass · 21/11/2020 08:27

Try and curtail it now, or 10 years down the line you will have 2 kids who STILL wake at 6am, but know to read until 7, and a body clock that wakes you around 6 whatever is going on. And a husband who will happily stay up til 2 or 3am and sleep late in the mornings. It really messes with the amount of time we get as a family at weekends.
He's a owl. He's always struggled to get up in the mornings, but not really doing anything until after lunch every Sat and Sun is really starting to grate on me now. If he'd get up at 9 I'd be very happy.

Pyewhacket · 21/11/2020 08:28

Don’t sweat the small stuff.

InTheLongGrass · 21/11/2020 08:30

Oh, but bear in mind people posting on MN are going to be the ones that are larks. You probably heed to wait a few hours to get opinions of natural owls!

DragonMamma · 21/11/2020 08:34

The mess - YANBU, that would piss me off.

Going to bed at 8/9pm - YABVU. You know that’s unusually early for an adult to go to bed. I certainly wouldn’t be able to sleep at that time. 5/6am wake ups aren’t that early - you could go to bed at 10pm and still be getting 7/8hrs sleep.

If you’re going to bed that early, when do you spend quality time with your DH? I find it quite bizarre at 8months you’re championing this routine. I’d be trying to get your DS on a 7 - 7 schedule so at least you have a couple of hours to yourselves in the evening.

Dinosaur19 · 21/11/2020 08:34

My DH and I take it in turns to get up in the morning with DS. DH always always comes to bed post-midnight and ALWAYS moans about how tired he is on his mornings to get up. DS can wake anywhere between 6-8am so not exactly the crack of dawn, I’m done reminding DH that he’s ‘so tired’ because he prioritises gaming in the evenings over getting an early night.

Dinosaur19 · 21/11/2020 08:35

I’d be trying to get your DS on a 7 - 7 schedule so at least you have a couple of hours to yourselves in the evening

MUCH easier said than done! This never worked for my DS.