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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wake DH up on days off?

104 replies

Pumpertrumper · 21/11/2020 07:28

So just a mild AIBU, not angry or anything but interested in opinions.

I have an 8 month old and have got into the habit of early nights and early mornings with him. Works well.

DH works FT but has this week off. Whenever he has time off, whether annual leave or just a regular day off, he chooses to stay up late on an evening (enjoying time on his own) and then sleep in on a morning.

My issue is that he then gets stuck in this body clock, meaning he gets all morning to himself asleep every day because he ‘can’t get to sleep on a night’ then after he returns to work he complains how he ‘can’t sleep’ and is ‘so exhausted’..etc for days.

I think he should be sensible and stay somewhat in his regular work routine, come to bed early with us and get up early with us. I mean I do this every day. I don’t ‘sleep in’ ever really and don’t feel I need it because I go to bed at a reasonable time.

I’ve not said anything as I don’t really mind but I do end up feeling quite eye rolly when he’s looking for ‘I couldn’t get to sleep last night’ sympathy.

AIBU?

OP posts:

GreyishDays · 21/11/2020 08:35

You should be sharing the mornings at the weekend and when he’s off work.

But other than that I’d let him sort his own sleep habits out.

Do you not want to have any evenings together?

And also you need to make sure you both get the same amount of time off.

TreestumpsAndTrampolines · 21/11/2020 08:35

It's time for the 'big box of things DP is too important to do'

Because yes, my DP used to do the same, and leave a trail of devastation, then go off to work saying he'd clean it up in the evening - meanwhile I had to live with it all day. I started taking pictures of it all and putting it in a box in the corner for him to sort out later.

When it comes to the bed/get up times, DP does this too - TBH, as long as I get my lie-in at the weekend I don't mind toooo much, although it would sometimes be nice to be able to spend a bit more time together. I don't have any truck with moaning about being tired though, and apart from at the weekend/if he's ill/been working late, I'm not going to tip-toe around the house either.

DeadGood · 21/11/2020 08:35

YANBU about the asking for time off to watch football, that would piss me off. Think you might need to make a short timetable that visually explains the disparity between your free time and his.

By the way, you like to use the phrase “on an evening” or “on a morning”, but I’m pretty sure it’s “of an evening/of a morning”.

Ginandplatonic · 21/11/2020 08:38

Sounds like you're a morning person and he’s a night person. It is unreasonable of you to expect him to operate on your preferred schedule especially if it involves going to bed at 8pm.

But it is not unreasonable to expect him to clean up his mess before going to bed, give you equal free time at a time that suits you, pull his weight with chores, and stop bloody whinging about problems caused by his own choices!

StrawBeretMoose · 21/11/2020 08:40

@RishiMcRichface

Not often no but I tend to go to bed with him at 8 and get up with him quite happily at 5/6am.

It's difficult because I understand your point but your schedule is a bit unusual and most people don't go to bed at the same time as the baby. Your dh is really doing things more normally by staying up later and leaving chores till the morning. I'd say ideally you should meet in the middle by getting into a schedule that means you put baby to bed and both stay up till a reasonable time (say 11), then maybe take it in turns to have a short lie in (till say 7 or 8) if the baby wakes early and work together on doing chores during the day.

This sounds like a compromise by both if that's what you want.

I don't get the angst of 'looking at mess' like a few plates if he clears it away when he gets up. Leave your breakfast things for him to clear at the same time.

Yes you need the same amount of downtime but going to bed at 8pm because you've always been an early riser is your choice.
I'm a night owl, I couldn't sleep at that time, doesn't matter how much I try.
My parents were opposites lark and owl and didn't fight their body clock, one got a lie in and one got to stay up late, both happy.

TheVanguardSix · 21/11/2020 08:48

I'm sorry but he's just too rested, which is why he can't get to sleep. 4-5 hours every evening, chilling out? Then a lovely lie in... every single day (I know it's on days off, but still)? No wonder he's up 'til all hours. He's all rested, isn't he?
This is his family home, not a house share, and he needs to start acting like he knows that.
He doesn't need to go to bed at 8pm. He just needs to pull his weight.
You need to have the 'I can't be doing it ALL/meet me halfway' talk with your DH. And it starts with him not leaving his nightly mess for you to tidy up in the morning. That's just so selfish and inconsiderate.

Disappointedkoala · 21/11/2020 08:49

YANBU for him to do his share of the mornings - we split weekends so we each get a lie in and take it in turn on holidays. We're both adults so we get to decide when we go to bed though - my DH will often stay up past midnight but then that's his problem when he's shattered having to get up with DD at 6am! I do think going to bed at 8pm is a bit odd personally - it must give you very little time as a couple, I did it when DD was tiny or has had periods of horrendous sleep but I'm grateful for a couple of hours with my other half to talk & watch something on TV (as dull as that sounds!)

He should be tidying up the dinner stuff though of an evening, I'd be pilling plates up next to his pillow.

VeganCow · 21/11/2020 08:54

its give and take. You dont mind early mornings, he does and as it doesnt really bother you I would tell him you wont mention the getting up late as long as he clears his shit away at night so you dont wake up to it. You said he gives you time in the day to do your thing, I think you should give him his time on his week off to play on the computer or watch sport or whatever.
The rest of it, house stuff, should be non negotioable and shared, and if you are both getting separate down time there should be no resentmentment regarding splitting the house tasks.

He is a natural night owl, I am one. Trouble is, no matter how many times you tell yourself you need to be up ealy so go to bed, it doesn't happen and in the morning you wish you had listened to yourself

AnotherEmma · 21/11/2020 08:54

I used to like staying up late and sleeping in late. And then I had kids. I'll never be an early morning person like you, OP (happy getting up at 5-6am) but I've adjusted my body clock because I had to. I think most parents have to do the same, and those who stay up late doing what they want, then have lie-ins, then have the cheek to complain about struggling to sleep or being tired, are just taking the piss.

You seem to be operating on the basis that childcare is your job and yours alone, and you're even cleaning up after him to. Continue in that way at your peril.

AnotherEmma · 21/11/2020 08:55

*too

JiltedJohnsJulie · 21/11/2020 08:56

If baby is still waking who gets up in the night? As it was always me sorting out the babies at night my DH would get up with them and let me have a lie-in for a while.

MammaPapa · 21/11/2020 08:57

YABU let the poor lad have get sleep on his day off - least he deserves after being at work all week!

Candyfloss99 · 21/11/2020 08:58

YABU. Is he your husband or your child? Why would you be telling him when to go to bed? If you want a lie in tell him but telling a grown man to go to bed at 8pm is ridiculous.

VainAbigail · 21/11/2020 09:01

Sorry op but you sound like a bit of a bossy martyr.

Cheeseboardandmincepies · 21/11/2020 09:05

8 is rather early to be going to bed to be honest....

MargotLovedTom1 · 21/11/2020 09:06

I can't quite get over an adult going to bed at 8pm every night!

How often does this issue arise, given that you said it's when he has holiday from work or a day off? Surely for the most part he's going to bed at a more reasonable time and probably thinks you're the problem for going to bed at 8pm with the baby. Do you ever get sit together in the evening, having a converstion, watching a film or programme, getting a takeaway and all that?

buttery81 · 21/11/2020 09:07

Going to bed at 8/9pm - YABVU. You know that’s unusually early for an adult to go to bed. I certainly wouldn’t be able to sleep at that time. 5/6am wake ups aren’t that early - you could go to bed at 10pm and still be getting 7/8hrs sleep.

If you’re going to bed that early, when do you spend quality time with your DH? I find it quite bizarre at 8months you’re championing this routine. I’d be trying to get your DS on a 7 - 7 schedule so at least you have a couple of hours to yourselves in the evening.

I agree with all this. 7-7 is the answer if you can!

OverTheRubicon · 21/11/2020 09:14

@Candyfloss99

YABU. Is he your husband or your child? Why would you be telling him when to go to bed? If you want a lie in tell him but telling a grown man to go to bed at 8pm is ridiculous.

I think the issue is the whingeing and lack of sharing, right?

An adult can go to bed when they want, but if they are a parent they also need to do their share of mornings and care, and not complain about the results of their own choices...

MargotLovedTom1 · 21/11/2020 09:15

Actually, I think this has to be a wind up . OP thinks going to bed at 8pm is a reasonable time. OP thinks telling another adult to go to bed at this time is acceptable. OP's husband will ask Mummy for permission to play on his computer games. All very strange!

Dishwashersaurous · 21/11/2020 09:21

Don’t go to bed at 8pm. Spend time together in the evening. Then both go and bed at a normal time. Then get up together and go out

LazyLucille · 21/11/2020 09:22

I actually think it is ridiculous to expect a grown up to go to bed at 8pm because it suits you. Do adults actually need 9 to 10 hours sleep?

What time are we talking about when you say he has a lie in? Is he up at 7 or is he staying in bed till 11?

I think you are being reasonable to expect him to not leave a mess for you in the morning but the rest is a bit bizarre.

Thinkingg · 21/11/2020 09:23

I don't think it's fair to tell him when he should go to bed, that seems pretty controlling of a grown adult. But he does need to make sure that it doesn't impact you unfairly.

So you should have a chat and work out a solution that means equal free time, and a fair split of childcare and chores. If you wanted him to get up with DC half of the days, that would be fair, or you could have a different compromise where you get up early, since you're happy to anyway, and then he takes over childcare later on.

You'd not be unreasonable to give him short sympathy on the moaning that he can't go to sleep, and insist that he puts his plates away before bed.

BigPlanes · 21/11/2020 09:26

You both need to meet in the middle here. Take it in turns for a lie in. Decide who is doing what jobs. It takes a while but communication is key.
There’s no chance anyone would be telling me to go to bed at 8pm but he also needs to be helping more.

violetsilvergold · 21/11/2020 09:27

I’m a lark, but going to bed at 8 is crazy even to me!

I will often be in bed by 10, sometimes 930 if I’m really tired, but 8?

Pinkdelight3 · 21/11/2020 09:30

DH does clean up his nighttime antics but once he wakes up in the morning. I don’t want to look at it all morning so will ask him today to start tidying up after himself on a night (else I’ll wake him up to do it).

I'd be fucking furious if you woke me up to tidy up my night time stuff. He can do it in the morning. If you don't want to look at it, look away or put it away yourself. But a person can relax a bit in their own home without a cleaning robot waking them up at dawn. You do sound a bit OTT.

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