To wake DH up on days off?

[Pumpertrumper]

So just a mild AIBU, not angry or anything but interested in opinions.

I have an 8 month old and have got into the habit of early nights and early mornings with him. Works well.

DH works FT but has this week off. Whenever he has time off, whether annual leave or just a regular day off, he chooses to stay up late on an evening (enjoying time on his own) and then sleep in on a morning.

My issue is that he then gets stuck in this body clock, meaning he gets all morning to himself asleep every day because he ‘can’t get to sleep on a night’ then after he returns to work he complains how he ‘can’t sleep’ and is ‘so exhausted’..etc for days.

I think he should be sensible and stay somewhat in his regular work routine, come to bed early with us and get up early with us. I mean I do this every day. I don’t ‘sleep in’ ever really and don’t feel I need it because I go to bed at a reasonable time.

I’ve not said anything as I don’t really mind but I do end up feeling quite eye rolly when he’s looking for ‘I couldn’t get to sleep last night’ sympathy.

AIBU?

If I have to get up at 5/6 then I need to be in bed by 9 - I can do less sleep if it's not an every day thing, but I need 9-10 hours sleep in general. If I was going to bed at 10, and getting up at 6 every day, I would be the walking dead within a month.

DS1 is an early riser, he's 10 now, and I think has slept past 7am once in his entire life (if not ill), no matter what time he goes to bed or the time of year or the existence of blackout curtains. When he was a baby/toddler, he had trouble going to sleep, so I'd take him to bed at 8 or 9 and sit with him until he went to sleep which could mean that by the time he was asleep, I was ready to sleep too. I still remember when some switch flicked in him when he was about 3.5, and suddenly he was easily going to bed and asleep by 7:30 and DP and I got evenings back. We'd forgotten what we even used to do.

7 years later and he still goes to bed at 7:30! Albeit with a little bit of reading allowed so he's probably only asleep by 8:30.

Sometimes you can do something, sometimes you just have to wait it out.

I’d not be impressed at another adult trying to make me go to bed at 8pm, it’s a ridiculous time you must get no ‘adult time’ at all?
You could go to bed at 9.30-10 and still have 7-8 hrs sleep.
I’d be trying to extend the baby sleeping in to 7am to get into a more normal routine for you.
He should tidy up his mess though.

I’m not telling DH to go to bed at 8pm.

I said I do because that works for me when we wake up at 5am. I’m happy with that. DH stays up pretty late. I’d be very happy for him to come to bed at 10/11 which isn’t unreasonable when you know your child will be awake around 5.

There’s no ‘controlling’ behaviour from me. I’ve not even mentioned it yet.

I am currently getting up with DS 5am-9am (ish) alone, often to a mess of plates, pans, used oven trays and packaging. Then having to ask DH for a couple of hours to myself during the day.

I think it stinks that a PP accused me of being ‘controlling’ because DH has to ask to go play computer games when he already has substantially more down time than me and I also have to ask for any time to myself. How am I controlling but he’s not? For exactly the same situation?

Not a chance I’d be going to bed at 8 pm, that’s ridiculous. I’ve had 3 children and even started work at 6 am and not ever gone to bed that early.

If your DH is awake until gone midnight and you’re asleep, who responds if your DS wakes up? My guess is it’s you. Then he has his nice long lie in the morning and you look after DS then too.

DD2 (8wo) goes to sleep for the night at about 9/10 and co-sleeps with us. DH and I take it in turns to go to bed with her whilst the other clears up downstairs. Whoever goes to bed first gets a longer time in bed but they have DD for longer. We swap when DD2 wakes for a feed at around 3/4am. I have to be up at 6:30 every day because I am expressing but DH is responsible for DD2 during that time.

The point is that you have to have give and take with babies. Your DH is being selfish and not pulling his weight when he’s not at work.

Also it’s not a huge big issue, I’m not angry about it just been frustrated recently listening to an adult complain about how he ‘can’t get to sleep’ at a reasonable time and ignoring that it’s probably because he keeps staying up super late and sleeping in on a morning.

So he gets up at 9am? That's not such a massive lie-in on a day off, is it? It sounded like he was zonked out all morning but it really sounds quite normal to me. Why does he need to get up at 5am if you get up then anyway and get some time back during the day? That seems like a balanced way to do it if one of you is a natural (weirdly) early to bed/early to riser and the other prefers to stay up later (as many adults do). If you wanted a lie-in and him to get up with the baby at 5am, I'd understand that more, but I don't see the big deal in spending the early hours just with the baby and having a few oven trays on the side. Although I'd be nixing the 5am's anyway and shifting the baby up to 7-7 if at all possible.

It's hard to gauge if yabu or not as you haven't said what time he goes to bed or gets up.

I would think a lot of people go to bed later if they know they don't have to get up early.

Yes I get up with DS in the night but he’s not a bad sleeper now and sleeps through 50% of the time so can’t complain.

I do appreciate all the responses. I’m just gonna mention to DH tonight when he says he can’t get to sleep that it’s probably because he’s been staying up and maybe he should avoid getting into such a late sleep pattern to start with. Will also ask him to tidy up on an evening.

I’m gonna leave any further responses now as have the opinions I’d wanted. Thanks

Also the feeling of unfairness because he has 4-5 hours alone time to do what he wants in the evening is weird, because the only reason he has that amount of alone time is because you've gone to bed. Of course he's alone 8-12 if you go to bed at 8pm. He shouldn't be expected to lie in bed on principle rather than watching TV or whatever just because of your unusual sleep pattern, which doesn't sound like it's all on the baby or like what other parents follow. Sure things are crazy in the newborn phase and it's all hands on deck patchworking bits of sleep together, but having some proper grown up time of a night should be possible by now.

I'm a night owl and my dh is the opposite, but I will always try and tidy up before I go to bed so he doesn't wake up to my mess. I have the same issue on a Monday with being tired as I slip back into my 'night owl' antics on a weekend too.

I think if this is him then that's fine, but he needs to pull his weight around the house and with your dc when he's home, which includes weekends, week evenings and holidays. Plus stop moaning about being tired, there's no great mystery to this

He sounds like a bit of a selfish fucker to me.

@Pumpertrumper

I’m not telling DH to go to bed at 8pm.

I said I do because that works for me when we wake up at 5am. I’m happy with that. DH stays up pretty late. I’d be very happy for him to come to bed at 10/11 which isn’t unreasonable when you know your child will be awake around 5.

There’s no ‘controlling’ behaviour from me. I’ve not even mentioned it yet.

I am currently getting up with DS 5am-9am (ish) alone, often to a mess of plates, pans, used oven trays and packaging. Then having to ask DH for a couple of hours to myself during the day.

I think it stinks that a PP accused me of being ‘controlling’ because DH has to ask to go play computer games when he already has substantially more down time than me and I also have to ask for any time to myself. How am I controlling but he’s not? For exactly the same situation?

Do you mean me? I think my post was fair and balanced, I agree with you on a lot of points.

You said "I think he should be sensible and stay somewhat in his regular work routine, come to bed early with us and get up early with us". I said I thought telling him what time to go to bed would be controlling. I'm not saying you're a controlling person, just that I think this course of action every day would be.

I don't understand how people communicate in relationships.

"I can't sleep at night, it's so weird"
Surely you'd just say "because you were in bed til midday?" rather than whatever op is doing - ignoring, agreeing, uh huhhing.

And if he's sleeping all morning and you're going to bed at 8 and he's having a few hours to yourself and he's having a few hours to himself do you ever do anything as a family?

I'd also be waking him up and asking him to come and I've his stuff as you can't safely make DS breakfast or put him down to play. A dew6 am wake ups he'll learn to tidy up after himself. It's utter utter selfishness to leave stuff all over the sides and floor when you're coming down and unable to do what you need with the baby

The main issue in my opinion running through all of your posts is that you seem to be the "default parent" - your husband's life doesn't seem to have changed much since he became a parent?

When you are the only adult awake in the house you are looking after the baby and doing chores. When he is the only adult awake he is gaming and making a mess. I think you need to consider the idea of equal leisure time - currently he seems to have hours and hours of it any you seem to have hardly any?

Are you doing all nighttime care for the baby and then all of the early mornings as well? If you are, it's no wonder you need to go to bed at 8pm to get enough rest! Your husband needs to reduce his personal leisure time and take on more parenting duties so that you can have more time together as a couple and as a family.

At eight months our baby's sleep was totally rubbish, the "eight month" regression hit at six months and lasted for four! So I coslept with our baby because that was the easiest way of maximising my own sleep instead of getting up and down a million times a night, and my husband did all of the early mornings. He would get up with the baby at half five every day following a solid night's sleep for himself so that I could catch up a bit after my disrupted night, so I got a short lie in on weekdays and a longer one on weekends. That way we both got enough sleep to function and we had a bit of time together in the evenings. He also pulls his weight at home despite working long hours in a stressful job because he is an adult and I am not the maid.

It's very disrespectful of your husband to leave the house in an untidy state when he goes to bed, he knows that's what you'll come down to in the morning. I think you need to really up your expectations of him, not to an unreasonable level, but just to the point of normal adulting. Expecting him to do a fair share of baby care and household chores is not asking for the moon on a stick.

I think if you continue to go to bed at 8pm with DS every night you are going to have major relationship issues very soon. There needs to be some middle ground on your sleeping patterns. DH needs to stop winging about a self inflicted issue. He needs to clean up after himself before he goes to bed and he needs to pull his weight but at the moment you are both at extremes in terms of going to bed and need to find something that works for you both. At the moment you are probably both BU.

I think the sleep thing is frustrating. My DH used to irritate me with this. Now, we both have one day each to lie in on the weekend and on holidays we alternate days. I think lack of parity is the problem. Because I’m in a sleep routine I don’t usually sleep as late as he does, but I use my ‘lie in time’ to take a long bath, read a book etc.

I think this is hilarious, I breast fed my DKs, wouldn't dream of expecting DH who is going off to work sometimes more than 12 hours heavy physical work, to get up in the night, would be dangerous. Falling sleep driving, several hundred miles. I ont actualy even know any DKs who go to bed a t 8. No point in my posting when I go to bed or how many hours sleep, only get got at.

Not often no but I tend to go to bed with him at 8 and get up with him quite happily at 5/6am

That's 9-10 hours sleep. Every night.

Most people don't want or need that much.

I have to get up at 5:30am for work, I go to bed at 10:30pm or later.

I can't understand why you don't want any time with your DH at night once your baby is in bed and if I was your DH I wouldn't want to go to bed at 8pm.

Sounds lonely

Agree to split the lie-ins. On days x he is in charge of getting up with the baby. He can go to sleep early on the evening before or he can be tired and take care of the baby.

YABU. It's his week off. I just wouldn't put up with this bullying. But I think he could get up early say twice go give you a longer life in.

Yes, the whinging about not sleeping is annoying. You'd be quite right to point out the obvious cause.

The mess is annoying. Leaving mess for the morning is fine if everyone's going to be up late. Not if you know someone else is going to be up early and have to work around it.

The basic principle here is equal leisure time.

You need your own time, away from baby care. Your lark / owlishness complements each other, you're happy to cover early mornings, that's great. You're both happy for you to time off in the afternoon or early evening. Also great. Just make sure you take it.

But, also remember that no-one needs to be caring for the baby when the baby is sleeping.

Your DH is not missing any 'baby care' time by doing his own thing in the evening, only by sleeping in in the morning.

To get up at 5am after a healthy 7-8 hours sleep, you'd need to go to bed at 9pm. Maybe you need more sleep than average, or take a long time to wind down. But I think you could recognise that choosing to going to bed at 8pm is a form of taking leisure time.

Also, that spending time together as a couple is important (hard in the baby stage I know, it will get easier). Spending time as a family is important too.

Is some of the resentment because you're missing out on child-free time in the evenings by going to bed at 8pm? For DH and I, that evening time was sanity-saving.

It sounds like your choice to go to bed at 8pm. Could you go at 10pm instead? Yes, you'd still have to get up with your early-rising DC, but your DH could split the mornings with you.

You currently have two children.

One of them needs to wake up and acknowledge he is now a parent and do his share of actual parenting. Bedtimes are secondary, he isn't pulling his weight.

But basically it sounds as though you'd like him to stick to 'work week' bed times, 10/11pm, so be able to get up and join in with family activities at 8ish, rather than leaving you alone all morning.

That does sound like a reasonable solution to you getting more family time.

If your child is a lark, like you, trying to train them to wake later isn't going to work, easily or at all. You're going to be covering the 5-6am starts for a while.