To wake DH up on days off?

[Pumpertrumper]

So just a mild AIBU, not angry or anything but interested in opinions.

I have an 8 month old and have got into the habit of early nights and early mornings with him. Works well.

DH works FT but has this week off. Whenever he has time off, whether annual leave or just a regular day off, he chooses to stay up late on an evening (enjoying time on his own) and then sleep in on a morning.

My issue is that he then gets stuck in this body clock, meaning he gets all morning to himself asleep every day because he ‘can’t get to sleep on a night’ then after he returns to work he complains how he ‘can’t sleep’ and is ‘so exhausted’..etc for days.

I think he should be sensible and stay somewhat in his regular work routine, come to bed early with us and get up early with us. I mean I do this every day. I don’t ‘sleep in’ ever really and don’t feel I need it because I go to bed at a reasonable time.

I’ve not said anything as I don’t really mind but I do end up feeling quite eye rolly when he’s looking for ‘I couldn’t get to sleep last night’ sympathy.

AIBU?

I'd be fucking furious if you woke me up to tidy up my night time stuff. He can do it in the morning. If you don't want to look at it, look away or put it away yourself. But a person can relax a bit in their own home without a cleaning robot waking them up at dawn. You do sound a bit OTT.

Why should OP have to get up and look at/deal with all his mess because he can't be arsed to tidy it up before he goes to bed?

Because in sexist AIBU land the woman has to do everything without complaining, apparently!

@nannybeach

I think this is hilarious, I breast fed my DKs, wouldn't dream of expecting DH who is going off to work sometimes more than 12 hours heavy physical work, to get up in the night, would be dangerous. Falling sleep driving, several hundred miles. I ont actualy even know any DKs who go to bed a t 8. No point in my posting when I go to bed or how many hours sleep, only get got at.

But op isn't asking him to ge up in the night, she's asking him to go to bed at a reasonable hour so he can get up in the morning and actually have time together as a family, and to not leave the detritus of his late night binging strewn around the house. And it's his weeks holiday. So not remotely similar to getting him up 3 times a night when he has to go and do 12 hours hard labour. 8pm doesn't seem an unreasonable hour for the baby to go to bed either

My ex was one of those weird early rises because he would go to bed ridiculously early and get 10+ hours sleep.
He would often piss off to sleep leaving all the work to be done by me. He moaned lots about me being lazy. Sometimes he would try and embarrass me to friends about my sleeping, would soon be quiet when I told people about his habits. He would tell them I was lazy because he didn't wake up to a pristine house. Why should I have been left nightly to do the grunt of the crap that had accumulated during the day? If we both pissed off to bed at silly oclock, who would come and do it the fairies?

@Viviennemary

YABU. It's his week off. I just wouldn't put up with this bullying. But I think he could get up early say twice go give you a longer life in.

And when does op get a week off? Even if she goes back to work and books a weeks leave, some one will still be getting up at 5 am and it clearly won't be him

I'd be fucking furious if you woke me up to tidy up my night time stuff. He can do it in the morning. If you don't want to look at it, look away or put it away yourself. But a person can relax a bit in their own home without a cleaning robot waking them up at dawn. You do sound a bit OTT.
And I'd be fucking furious if I couldn't make the baby a bottle and get him some food without having to clean the kitchen and wash up first, and if I couldn't put the baby on the floor to play without having to clean up first. You seem to expect op to get up half hour before baby to make the house safe for him because Mr Precious Penis can't possibly be expteced to walk his own crap into a sink and bin

How do you know it wouldn't be him?

I would get up with the children to also give him lie ins. He would still get up at stupid oclock because he wasn't capable of sleeping in.

If he put it in the sink, there would still be moans about it not being washed.

Perhaps dinners need to also be looked at. You must be pretty hungry to start getting oven trays, pans and using more than one plate for your nightly snacking,

@Pumpertrumper
What time does he wake and sleep?
We know yours. We know your prefered, but his actual time has only been referred to as later in the morning.

Waking up at 5 am gives a different later morning than someone who wakes up at 8am.

Wake him to clean up after himself. He shouldn't be leaving a shit tip for you to get up to.
"Morning babe, will you come clean up all the pots and rubbish you've left out last night, I've enough on looking after DS and it's a right mess"

You do get leisure time - you're choosing to go to bed. In the same way that I might chose to watch netflix or do yoga or have a bath and still be in bed for 10pm giving me 7-8 hours before the inevitable "mummy" cries start. You've got used to getting to bed early and getting up early, your DH has got used to the opposite. There is a middle ground and a more equal way to do it.

Just ask him to please tidy up a little before bed as you don't like to see it all when you get up. Even if he just throws the rubbish in the bin and puts the washing up in the sink. Then let him clear it all up along with your breakfast stuff when he gets up.

Your baby will probably (hopefully) sleep a more 7-7 type schedule once he sleeps by himself. Mine both did at around 9-10 months.

How do you ever have any quality time together when you're only awake during the dc day?

TBH it sounds like whoever does dinner, you both eat then that's it you're off for the night with the dc until the next morning. Does he ever do the nightly bath and go to bed routine?

Going against grain here. I’d leave your DH be and let him be the night owl his personality is. I’m early like you and yes, I did get a bit grrr when the children were small. But the roles reversed once they were teenagers and one of us had to stay up until they came home at ever later times...10pm, midnight, 2am....my DH being a night owl happily took that task on and I was able to go to bed at what was a reasonable time for me with the assurance that if a drunk child called at 1am wanting a lift home, DH was on call to do that.

The way I see it, you're both working full time (albeit very different) jobs, and you both deserve a break. Being a mother doesn't come with paid leave, so he needs to help you get that break.

If my DP had a week off, we would alternate days for taking care of the baby, so we each got 2 lie ins (maybe toss a coin for the extra one haha).

I think that's fair.

Yes, he's off work, and he deserves a break - but as a father he doesn't have the luxury of reverting to the life of a teenager for the duration.

Yanbu to expect him to do his share. It’s not fair for him to enjoy his downtime and then sleep in when you don’t have any downtime.

However I sympathise with him a bit. I’m an absolute night owl and the only thing I really want from time off is to go onto my own body clock timings. I lie in does me soooo much more good than an early night.

So I think some sort of compromise maybe?

@SleepingStandingUp she doesn't have to deal with it. She has to look at it because she lives there and it's their home. He deals with it at 9am when he gets up. If she can't handle seeing some oven trays on a worktop from 5am-9am, she needs to seriously unclench. Or even - radical thought - sit in the living room.

[quote Pinkdelight3]@SleepingStandingUp she doesn't have to deal with it. She has to look at it because she lives there and it's their home. He deals with it at 9am when he gets up. If she can't handle seeing some oven trays on a worktop from 5am-9am, she needs to seriously unclench. Or even - radical thought - sit in the living room.[/quote]
Which is also a mess. So can she even get in and make bottles, breakfast, put baby down to play? Or is she having to clean and tidy to make it safe before she can even feed her child?

I think you are focusing on the wrong things. People are different with sleep and what works for you might not work for someone else. Personally, I would find going to bed at 8 and getting up at 5 every day really miserable, I value my evening time and am more of a night owl than a morning person. So I think you are unreasonable to bulldoze over his wishes and wake him, unless it's a question of you not wanting a lie in yourself, which it doesn't sound like it is.

However, YANBU to tell him he isn't helping enough and needs to clean up after himself and do more chores, whether that be in the evening or during the day. You are also NBU to tell him it is irritating listening to him complain about being tired when he won't listen to your advice.

And for all we know he didn't want to look at it all as she swanned off to bed.

I know some adults are lazy (hello) not known many to make a place an unsafe shithole in a couple of hours from eating or leaving the washing up until the morning and slobbing in front of the tv.

Do you moan op about missing out on the stuff after 8?

I think we all moan about our sleeping habits tbh.

Put your ds to bed at 8, spend time with DH til 10 or 11, if DH stays up later tell him you don’t want to see mess when you wake up and go bed.

It’s weird to expect a grown adult to go to bed at 8.

Which is also a mess. So can she even get in and make bottles, breakfast, put baby down to play? Or is she having to clean and tidy to make it safe before she can even feed her child?

She never said the living room was a mess. She said he leaves out oven trays and food wrapping in the kitchen from whatever he's made (and unless he's banqueting, I think even plural trays is pushing it). This is the type of unclenching I mean. Seriously, "make it safe"?? It's fine, chill out. No one's going to have an accident or contract a disease because some crockery wasn't washed up until 9am.

Wouldn't a good compromise be for you (either of you) to put DS to bed at 7-8pm, then have an hour or two together, before going to bed somewhere between 9 and 11pm? So sometimes you go together at 10pm, other times you go earlier, him later.

You'd still get a good night's sleep before your early start, he'd be up at 7-8ish to join the family for the day.

I do know people who 'go to bed' with their babies, in the sense that they retreat to their bedroom at 8pm. But they're not sleeping straight away and they only do that when their DH is away.

@Pinkdelight3

Which is also a mess. So can she even get in and make bottles, breakfast, put baby down to play? Or is she having to clean and tidy to make it safe before she can even feed her child?

She never said the living room was a mess. She said he leaves out oven trays and food wrapping in the kitchen from whatever he's made (and unless he's banqueting, I think even plural trays is pushing it). This is the type of unclenching I mean. Seriously, "make it safe"?? It's fine, chill out. No one's going to have an accident or contract a disease because some crockery wasn't washed up until 9am.

If someone did that in our kitchen, you'd have to tidy it all up before you were able to make breakfast.

We have two tiny work surfaces and if they've got stuffed dumped all over them and you want to cook, you have no choice but to clean it up first.

If he wants to have late night snacks, he needs to be grown up enough to tidy all his crap away. It's totally unfair for him to inflict it on someone else because he's too lazy to do it himself.