To wonder how school bullies feel as adults?

[NeonIcedcoffee]

I'm just thinking about how people who were bullies at school feel about it as adults. I went to a really crappy comp which served a number of socially deprived areas. Bullying was absolutely rife. This included physical violence. There was also lots of general intimidation and taking of things from people.
I experience a bit of bullying but it was for a relatively short time. So I'm less thinking about personal experience or wanting closure for myself if that makes sense.

I left secondary school in 2003 for context. I'm not sure if bullying is less tolerated now?

Anyway somone who was really vile and an awful bully popped up on my people you may know on Facebook. She just looked normal now. It made me think do people who behave like this know they were bullies? Do they feel bad?

I'm not talking about the normal politics of friendships in teenage years. That obviously goes on all the time. We probably all behaved selfishly or unkindly as teenagers! I'm thinking of proper bullies here.

I do forgive her, by the way. People grow and change.

Thinking about it more,most of my bullies (3 out of 4) went on to go through really shit times themselves. I feel sorry for them but also maybe was karma at work!

I was bullied at school and it was not nice. It was a knife in my back when the worst bullying by far came from my narcissistic mum at home.
However, I'm doing buddhism to free myself from the past.
Whether or not the bully remembers, regrets or is cruel to others now depends on their level of enlightenment and introspection and being able to admit that they caused harm.
So it's definitely not a 'one shoe fits all'.
Some will have developed emotionally and some will have stayed the same and some will have got worse in varying degrees. It's humanity and learning about life.... or not!
I still struggle hugely with the pain my mum bestowed on me, but if I rightly tell myself that it was about her expectations and want for me to fulfill her happiness (which is impossible anyway) then it makes it less personal. It's the same with a bully at school.
They weren't happy people and they used you/us as a means of taking out their emotional pain.
When I say this, please know that I'm not excusing or advocating harm done, it's toxic and I'm still suffering too.
If bullies don't address the source of their pain, they'll likely go on harming others.... and themselves.
Bullies appear to be confident, but it's a facade known as the ego. We've all got one but we need to dissolve it with care and attention.

I hate bullies but even more so I hate people who look the other way. I think that’s why a lot of people have a problem with teachers, because an awful lot of them have pretended not see or tried to justify it.

I was really badly bullied all through secondary school by 1 particular girl.
5 years ago (I’m in my 40s now) she friended me on FB and apologised for all the things she’d done. She wanted us to meet for coffee etc.
I declined.

@DestroyedByBullying & @Spaghettibetty345, I’m so sorry for your experiences. I also had a very large roman nose and my life was made hell because of it.
I didn’t realise it was so big until I went to secondary school. Every day I encountered comments. Every day I would wonder “why me?” Every day I felt worthless and I remember thinking I could electrocute myself with the socket in my bedroom to escape it all.
I was quiet and this just made me worse. It affected how I held myself, my head was down all the time, trying to hide and not draw attention to myself. It affected how I interacted with people as I would just expect them to see the nose and not me. I could write a book with all my experiences. I somehow excused the kids’ comments but thinking they were kids and didn’t know any better. I thought that when I left school it would stop in the adult world, but it didn’t. That I struggled to understand, as I was shocked that adults could be so cruel. I remember being on a bus and a group at the back delighting in shouting about my nose. The comment that made me snap happened when I was shopping in Tesco. A couple probably in their thirties and the man said ‘have you seen the nose on that girl”. I was only 3 feet away and obviously heard them.
In that instant I decided I would have a nose job so I took out a loan and did. I was 26. I know it was drastic action to other people’s reactions but it did change my life. I can walk about with my head level now, I no longer hide. I feel ‘normal’. People are awful. I always choose my friends carefully and I like to think it has given me a good understanding and empathy to others.

@whiskybysidedoor

I hate bullies but even more so I hate people who look the other way. I think that’s why a lot of people have a problem with teachers, because an awful lot of them have pretended not see or tried to justify it.

This exactly, if you stand and watch then you are as culpable.

My bully met me years later in a pub & was trying to chat me up when I told him who I was. I'd lost the acne & v thick specs by then & was quite attractive. He was mortified. But he didn't apologise! He just went bright red, his voice shook & he kept trying to pretend we were old friends. When my friend later asked him why I'd been so off & just stood, stoney faced ,not replying, as it wasn't like me, he just told her 'we didn't get on at school'. He made my life misery for 4 years & I still have self esteem issues.

You get bullies as adults too. There's one who lives around here, she's vile and shouts obscenities out to people she doesn't like.
She's not perfect herself by a long shot.
She has shouted to me when I was getting my shopping out of the boot of my car.
Guess what? She is a parent helper in my 5 year old daughters classroom. I really wanted to say something to the school but since my daughter has started there 14 months ago now she hasn't said a word to me or looked in my direction.
I just think how can they have someone like that helping in the school - no matter if she's paid or unpaid.

 for you, @DestroyedByBullying - I am so sorry you were made to feel how you do.

A friend of mine was bullied very badly in school. Like followed home, beaten up and locked in public toilets and sheds for hours kind of bullied. By one girl in particular. A few years ago the bully added my friend on facebook. Friend declined and bully added again. This happened multiple times. In the end bully send my friend a message. Bright and breezy. It just said something along the lines of "Hi, I've noticed you keep deleting my request. School was so long ago but If I ever did anything to upset you im sorry." we were all gobsmacked at her sheer cheek and making it seem so small. Friend didnt reply.

I would like to say she was doing shit in life but she isnt. On her social media anyway (which we all know is what you like to portray but still!). She is a single parent to 3 beautiful kids, works full time in a decent job and spends her spare time in the gym and has a washboard stomach :(. Karma clearly missed her.

I was bullied a bit at school till I found my "people"

At uni there was this just vile nasty little bitch- she spoiled the whole experience for me and I now have very few friends as she just made me not trust people.

I looked her up recently and she is now a highly qualified psychologist/ counsellor- wonder how many people she treats who are victims of the sort of crap she dealt out...

I was bullied horrifically at school & was terrified every day during high school. I entirely disagree with the pp who said bullies often join the army. I had the best ever experience in the forces which really helped restore my confidence. I met amazing, kind people (who’d often been bullied at school themselves). It really was the best decade of my life!

I have never been a bully but when I was younger I made some really bad decisions and hurt quite a few people badly, selfishly with no insight. I feel guilty every day for my behaviour and am honestly a totally different person now. I try to make up for my past by being kind and thoughtful, and have apologised to those I hurt.
Maybe it's the same for some bullies.

Strange thing is I was having a discussion about bullying with my friend. She took her daughter out of a school because she was being bullied by a girl who was also encouraging other girls to gang up with her and bully her. They were also bullying her on line, Snapchat etc.My friends daughter was really upset and felt suicidal. No child should ever feel like that. My friend complained to the school but they didn’t do anything because it was also done out of school and on social media. My friend eventually took action and had linked her daughters phone to her own phone and had proof of the horrible stuff that was sent by this particular girl but the school didn’t do anything.

@hotpotlover

Only one of my bullied apologized to me. He sent me a Facebook message a couple of years ago and said how genuinely sorry he was for what he did and that he just didn't have a backbone back then and that he wasn't strong enough to stand up against the group.

I didn't appreciate the apology at all. It opened up all wounds and in an instant made me feel like the helpless teenage girl I was back then, abandoned by her dad, with a shit home life and a shit school life, with no safe space.

He also coincidentally went through a divorce at the time when he apologized and said he'd like to visit me where I live and if I've got somewhere to sleep for him in the house. Probably he felt quite down and low at that point in his life and thought the best thing was to contact the girl he relentlessly bullied for therapy and a soul massage to give him an absolution. I felt abused all over after his apology.

I’m really sorry this happened to you. He clearly had the self awareness of a rock!

I honestly believe there should be laws against bullying. It is abuse, plain and simple. There should be strict consequences for proven bullying. Maybe that will serve as a bit of a deterrent.

I hate bully’s, there’s just no need for it! I’ve had 6 cousins who were so horribly bullied at school that it’s affected their entire lives.
I just can’t understand why some people can’t seem to be kind. It takes a lot less effort to be kind and just smile at someone or say hi, than it does to mentally and physically torture somebody every single day! 😞

@CatsMother66
Good for you doing whatever helped. Wishing you all the best.

@Valkadin Not surprised that made you smile. It is pretty hilarious.

Yes I agree with most bully's are despicable but as someone who was bullied as a child and also my dc was I feel it's not dealt with properly at schools etc .
It should be instant suspension and if proven expelled depending on the level of bullying. It effects you for years and until authorities deal with bullies properly bullies will constantly think they are getting away with it and think it's the norm.

Mostly oblivious . I was bullied terrible at school. I have a couple of the girls who bullied me on my fb and they share posts about bullying , how awful it is and how awful it makes people feel. No idea how much they taunted people at school.

Also so sorry to hear of people's stories. I have experienced bullying and was beaten up once. But it wasn't the whole time I was in school. I am thinking about how it shaped me now though after reading these posts.

I was a bully and not that I’m asking for sympathy, but to give context, I think about it on a daily basis. Trying to make amends colours a lot of my behaviour now. I feel I’m not deserving of many things and so didn’t push myself into my favoured career for instance. The bullying I did in primary school is my biggest regret in life. I experienced bullying myself at that time and afterwards but it doesn’t excuse. It was a weird situation whereby most people bullied her in a kind of passive way, alienating, not befriending etc. There were times we were friends and others when I was utterly horrible to her. What can be done? I don’t know but I intend to share my experience with anyone who will listen if it can help prevent just any instance of bullying.
It’s also complex. I can think of times I have publicly intervened with bullying when others have been turning a blind eye.
I did have opportunity to apologise to the woman I bullied as we became somewhat close in later teen years. I now have little to do with her and I’m not sure if that’s because she’s decided to go no contact or that she is facing other demons. It seems doubly cruel that she was and went on to suffer lots more of life’s injustices and I hate that I played a part in that.

There was a group of bullies at my school, they only called me a few names but were violent to other people. They used to be removed from lessons for their behaviour, never expelled because this was the late 90s. Now all I see on Instagram is “look how well Maddy is doing at school” with a photo of the school report about their kid. They are totally shameless. I wish I had the guts to call them out.