To wonder how school bullies feel as adults?

[NeonIcedcoffee]

I'm just thinking about how people who were bullies at school feel about it as adults. I went to a really crappy comp which served a number of socially deprived areas. Bullying was absolutely rife. This included physical violence. There was also lots of general intimidation and taking of things from people.
I experience a bit of bullying but it was for a relatively short time. So I'm less thinking about personal experience or wanting closure for myself if that makes sense.

I left secondary school in 2003 for context. I'm not sure if bullying is less tolerated now?

Anyway somone who was really vile and an awful bully popped up on my people you may know on Facebook. She just looked normal now. It made me think do people who behave like this know they were bullies? Do they feel bad?

I'm not talking about the normal politics of friendships in teenage years. That obviously goes on all the time. We probably all behaved selfishly or unkindly as teenagers! I'm thinking of proper bullies here.

It made me think do people who behave like this know they were bullies? Do they feel bad?

No, and no.

They're usually rather nasty small-minded people.

I wish I could apologise to the girl I bullied. I have no excuse though or explanation for it. It stopped as abruptly as it started I can’t even work out what my thought process was at the time. I remember her face I know how hurt she was I feel awful to this day but I simply cannot work out what the hell my 7 year old self was thinking and why it stated and stopped so abruptly nothing bad had happened to me in my life so there was no trigger for the behaviour ?? Does this ever happen are children just sometimes that horrible for no reason ? Whatever the reason I truly am sorry

I would go so far as to say that people who have experienced hurting other people may be better able to understand how not to in the future. Compared with people who happily type 'Bullies are vile scum who never change' about the actions of children.

People who have owned up to bullying on this thread strike me as far more self aware and self critical than people making sweeping statements and hoping for bad things for people.

So I'm supposed to just say "They were only 18 when they stopped bullying me, so they were children during those 7 years and were still growing so not responsible for their actions."? In supposed to say "They were children so their words can't hurt me anymore."?

No. Trying to down-play something that has had an immeasurable impact on my life during and since is trying to minimise my experiences. I'm sure any times they may feel guilty about what they did are far and few between and that they don't lose any sleep over it. Whereas I am still suffering the emotional and mental impact of their words and actions. Every day.

As far as I'm concerned any moments of guilt they feel in passing are justified.

@ThisIsMeOrIsIt

I would go so far as to say that people who have experienced hurting other people may be better able to understand how not to in the future. Compared with people who happily type 'Bullies are vile scum who never change' about the actions of children.

People who have owned up to bullying on this thread strike me as far more self aware and self critical than people making sweeping statements and hoping for bad things for people.

So I'm supposed to just say "They were only 18 when they stopped bullying me, so they were children during those 7 years and were still growing so not responsible for their actions."? In supposed to say "They were children so their words can't hurt me anymore."?

No. Trying to down-play something that has had an immeasurable impact on my life during and since is trying to minimise my experiences. I'm sure any times they may feel guilty about what they did are far and few between and that they don't lose any sleep over it. Whereas I am still suffering the emotional and mental impact of their words and actions. Every day.

As far as I'm concerned any moments of guilt they feel in passing are justified.

No, I'm sorry, I definitely don't think you just have to dismiss it as inconsequential. Not at all.

In my experience it's complicated and good people do bad things.

I'm sorry you've been so affected by your experience.

I don't wish unhappiness on anyone, even people who have bullied me. I feel like some incidents might not have happened if the bully was happy.

I was bullied. I grew up in a rural community and was quite a nervous and shy girl. I led quite a sheltered existence. I got through primary school and secondary school ok, I didn't have a lot of friends but it was fine and I wasn't bullied.

Then after School i went to college and that is where everything changed for me. I was in a class with 5 other girls. 4 of these girls quickly formed a group and they made my life a complete misery. The other 1 girl was accepted by the group. She didn't take part in the bullying but didn't do anything to stop it either. These girls were all young adults at around 16 and the bullying carried on for 2 years. It was never physical. It was all mental torture. Dirty looks, nasty comments and being excluded. I had no idea that girls could be so nasty. What little confidence I had, they completely destroyed.

I remember thinking that once I had finished I would never have to see any of them again and it would be over. In twenty plus years I have only seen one of them once. I was in a supermarket and she was walking around with two small girls. It took me a while to place her but when I did I couldnt get out of there quick enough. If she recognised me she didn't show it.

As for being over I still bare the scars. I can remember incidents clearly in my head. It has affected my confidence long term, my mistrust of people and lack of friends. If they do feel guilty which I doubt they do, it doesn't help me as the damage has already been done and I can't rewrite the past.

You're not supposed or not supposed to say anything. I certainly am not telling you to.

I think it's important to say, from time to time on threads like these, that even serious emotional injuries can be healed. Healing doesn't mean pretending things didn't happen or that they don't matter. It doesn't mean dismissing or minimising - quite the opposite - to get anywhere one must really take the thing seriously.

It is possible to heal from terrible experiences; it's important to say that from time to time, because not everyone knows it's possible. I had a really bad time at school. I was suicidal. I was hospitalised. I left at 12 and never went back, and that hugely affected the course of my life in my ways that still impact me today, socially, financially, and physically. But still, I have got over it. I am not stuck in that child memory and I can see it with all the resources and knowledge of my adult self.

Healing can be possible.

The people who bullied me all appear to be spectacularly unsuccessful as adults.

It’s great. Bunch of losers

I met our mean-girl school bully as an adult and she was under the impression that she was the one who had been bullied. It was weird. I think it was just too hard to accept and so she had genuinely convinced herself that it was everyone else who was at fault.

I accepted a Facebook friend from one of my bullies, I mentally cut her a bit of slack at the time because I knew her upbringing was pretty horrible, violent dad. Then she started sharing Britain First shit and I realised she hadn’t changed much from the girl who spat on me at school.

I wouldn’t want an apology from my bullies, because it’s 30 years too late. It was not kids being kids, when it’s queen bees tormenting the least popular girls in the class it is not banter, because that was the only social interaction they deigned to have with us. What I do see now is lower status girls in these groups were being bullied as much as we were by their own “friends”.

Really freaks me out how many bullies went into caring professions though.

I was bullied horrendously in high school. Three of them in particular used to make constant fun of me because I lived with my grandparents (my parents were abusive alcoholics so we were removed by GPs). Every single day their torments started with "Even Lyra's Mum/Dad/Parents hate her".

The school only took an interest when I had my jaw broken and was pinned down and threatened with rape (then the taunts after that were that the boys wouldn't even rape me) and the police got involved. Their interest went as far as "mediation" which was just hell on earth for me. In the end my Nana went to town on the school and I was moved form and the girls were told to stay the fuck away from me or my much older siblings would come looking for them.

I've met the three main instigators since. One who approached me, drunk, in a nightclub when I was 21 and said she knew it wouldn't make a big difference, but she was being sexually abused at home the whole time and making someone else feel shit was, in her teenage brain, a helping point. She was genuinely apologetic and I discovered after that encounter that she's attempted suicide five or six times. I think she was genuinely troubled.

The second one I seen on a bus and she pretended not to know me, but she was red faced and clearly panicking I'd say something to her.

The third I met in my role running the breakfast and afterschool club a considerable number of years ago. I was asked to give her children a place, bypassing the usual waiting list, for reasons. In the meeting with the school HT she insisted on speaking to the "organ grinder and not the monkey" and was genuinely horrified when she realised I was in charge. I put aside differences for the sake of the children, but her hatred culminated in her making a complaint to Ofsted that I'd struck her child. Thankfully she wasn't even smart enough to make sure I was in that week. I was in hospital for 12 days with pregnancy complications. She still tells people in the town that I banned her kids from the playscheme because we had "a few spats as teenagers".

They become Home Secretary

I didn't go to my school 25 year reunion as I didn't want to bump into the girl who made my life (and others) a misery, along with her mates. I somehow got added to the Facebook group about the event, and she was on it wondering whether 'spastic mong' boy (a vulnerable kid who had a terrible home life and possible autism not Downs) was attending as she could rip the piss out of him.

I fear people don't change that much.

One of my high school bullies is now very famous and successful in their sports hobby/career. He routinely told me to kill myself, and that I should cut myself and bleed all over my Dad's grave so I could 'fuck off and be dead like him'. Hilariously, he claims he is an advocate for anti-bullying and bangs on about how to help people with depression. I often want to email him and tell him how much he ruined my teen years, but I don't know if it's a smart idea. I still think he is a piece of shit.

@WildishBambino

What a nasty piece of work. I hope someone publically called her out for that comment.

What a nasty piece of work. I hope someone publically called her out for that comment.

Her mates all laughed and joined in and started listing the names of other people they could abuse at the reunion. One man, who'd been a bully himself, called her out and said he wasn't proud of the way he'd behaved at school. I was pleasantly surprised, but he was the only one. He'd moved away from the small rough town we grew up in. The bullies-who-were-still-bullies were all still there.

There was a girl who used to mock me for being ginger.... now she has 3 ginger kids.

Karma.

My dd2 was bullied by two vile girls particularly in her art lesson which she had taken in her gcse year as a way of relaxing as the family had been through a traumatic time. They were merciless, calling her ugly, fat and thick. The teacher failed to intervene.

Last year she went to get her hair cut and the woman who collected her to get her hair washed was one of the bullies. She was with her sister who was also going to get her hair cut and her dh. She said she got up but then said that no, she was not going to let her touch her. All three walked out. That salon lost three appointments on one day and strangely they did not even bother to ring to find out why.

@WildishBambino It's actually rather pathetic that they haven't grown up and moved on from their childhood selves. With them having exposed themselves on Facebook, hopefully their former victims will be forewarned and will
either not show up or will be strong-minded adults who are able to put them in their place.

Personally, I can't even imagine caring what my childhood bullies think of me now. I would just think of them as sad and pathetic. I have my own family and friends.

This thread has been such a sad read.

I was bullied much of the way through secondary school, from about the end of year 8 (then known as second year) until most of them left school at the end of year 11 (then fifth year). School were utterly useless at dealing with it so it didn't subside until I was in the sixth form, which was much better.

It is true that bullying casts a very long shadow. It isn't something you ever forget. I dreaded going to school each day and certainly wouldn't say that my schooldays were the happiest days of my life.

I bullied a boy in secondary school, I’m very ashamed of it and think of him often.

I have considered apologising but I think it would have meant more at the time and I don’t want to bring back old memories for them. Plus if I do that- selfishly the only response I want is forgiveness and it’s unfair to expect that. It was probably from the age of 11-14/15. It’s not an excuse, but yes I did have a dysfunctional home life. A lot of people bullied this person unfortunately. I feel terrible that the school ultimately did nothing.

DH was bullied badly and my heart breaks for him.

The only thing I will 100% try to ensure is that my DD never repeats my mistakes.

@Rosee91

You seem to think he won't have remembered being bullied for four years? Does your husband remember being bullied? He appears to.... If you have bullied someone for four years, they deserve an apology. To me it sounds like you are making excuses not to do it. What's that teaching your daughter?

[quote Sally665]@Rosee91

You seem to think he won't have remembered being bullied for four years? Does your husband remember being bullied? He appears to.... If you have bullied someone for four years, they deserve an apology. To me it sounds like you are making excuses not to do it. What's that teaching your daughter?[/quote]
Yes, she should have the guts to apologise to the poor boy she bullied. I don’t want to hear her feeble excuses. A bully is a pathetic human being.

Sally you’re right. I agree with you, I absolutely know he would remember.

I’ve thought about the apology for a long time. I really want to do the right thing. I would want to find the right words. Yes, I am scared that I will open an old wound, make him feel worse if he has moved on. I know that sounds like an excuse but I genuinely don’t want to make him feel worse.

I absolutely want to apologise and this person is on Facebook so I could send a message. It has been around 15 years since leaving school. Those that have been bullied- how would you feel about a message out of the blue?

@Janegrey333 I’m not going to argue with that. I agree.

@Rosee91
Speaking as a bullying victim, I would really appreciate an apology from one of my bullies. I would have respect for your courage in approaching me, especially in view of what you've shared about your dysfunctional family life.

For me, though, the bullying wasn't the worst thing I went through, as I was a victim of childhood SA and the main culprit was my F, who is dead, so I'm not as angry now about the bullying as some of the other posters on this thread.

I would recommend reaching out and apologising. It might really have an impact on the man who you bullied as a child. But either way, it is right thing to do IMO.